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danne |
Monday, December 04, 2006
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the island. i'm just at a loss for appropriate words, at this point, like so often.. it goes beyond song and lyric into the need to be present there and then, to feel the wind and sun and hear the voices and touch the people. i did take the opportunity to find some peace regarding matters, but the island just plucked me up and dumped me into new ones =) i really love these people, more than i can ever show.. and i've learnt so much. but beyond it all, i'm grateful for the peace in my soul it has given me for the time.. forgetting long troubles and busying myself with newer, oddly pleasant ones. it's like a part of my mind is amused at me, how i busy myself and become melancholy about the little things that have popped up, from these few days at the island. they'll feel like eternity, and a dream. some things will stay to worry my at the back of my mind, and i'll be grateful for the chance to brood about these things in the near future, when the old things of the future return to my mind to trouble me again.. but none of that for now =] gah.. there are just so many thoughts, but i just can't bring myself to say it, because that would make me think about them, and spoil the beautiful feeling.. there are certain songs that voices have never shared, words that hang in the air, but aren't words.. people aren't blind. it's a confusing thing to think about, how people pretend to be, but aren't, and sometimes come out and reveal their minds and eyes and what they see. it's heartening somehow. haha.. somehow i'm just diverting to troubled things rather then talking about problems solved. i must be some sort of unconscious sadist or something.. it really felt great to live with my family in the Lord, for these few days.. i'm not very close to anyone, but there is just the shared consciousness there, that we are one.. maybe it's just my imagination, but i like to believe that it isn't.. it's such a wondrous change from life at home. i could continue my eternity there with these people.. maybe one day my Father will give me such a chance. who knows.. there are just so many things to talk about, i simply don't know where to start, for fear that once i begin, i'll lose my grip on others on the edge of my subconsciousness, and forget about them completely.. maybe it's enough that i keep them there for the time..? haha.. or maybe face to face we'll exchange. that's fair, isn't it? haHaaha.. i can sing again. even on the first day, with the advance party, there was some pain, but i went to sleep and tried to believe that it wasn't that old trouble, and when i woke up it was gone, though i was with that headache i get from sleeping too much -.- it came and went, but i doubt it's anything serious.. i can breathe full, and at this point i'm ok, so.. hahaha.. crap, i digressed. i want to serve more.. contribute more, somehow.. in new ways. people do worry about the church growing, and i want to help too.. i will always have the painful remembrance that there are memories that i cannot share with everyone, but there are greater needs.. and i do have the desire. haa.. it's hard to let some things go; some things go willingly, and i let them, some strain so hard to fly away while i want to keep them close, and some.. just linger, and i don't know how to feel about them.. or how i should feel, or what i should do. i'll try.. on other things.. fiona's coming back on thursday, we'll be going to get her, haa.. heard they all did just fine in the competition, my raffles voices too =) i'm glad, but i know you all can sing better than that! come on. people without training sing with sweeter voices. haha.. that's the problem with me, i'm just too demanding of everything, or something like that. self included. geof will be landing on the 12th, and christmas draws near.. the next 2 years of school give me a towering sense of foreboding.. i just got to do better this time.. i've cut too close to the line the past four years. and another new thing is, i'm not so sure what i want to do anymore.. yepp.. doubts have been planted.. maybe design is the way to go instead, or maybe i will take a plunge into music, artiste or not.. i don't know.. but for now i'm staying the path.. i just hope that i'll make the right choice when the time comes.. yeah, i'm done.. there is a lot to say, but somehow this just doesn't seem like the time to say it, and maybe that time is never.. now i just want to live in this peace as long as possible.. because it's starting to fade, and only certain things hold yet.. i just wanna say, you guys made me really happy for a time, and i'm eternally grateful for the things we have shared.. =) 6:58 pm |