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Sunday, November 26, 2006
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music from 4 years back to get the heart beating and voice throbbin'.. eyes watering. shucks.. when i asked toh, he asked me back, do you intend to take up a career in music, i'm like, huhh. there's a dream chucked aside. no music background, no real talent nor looks, there's nothing there for me.. i put it aside a long time ago, i tell me, haah. the art of the place is love, that's what i'm gonna put myself into. no point chasing dreams that can't become reality. when i'm old i'll remember i could have tried and failed, and wonder what it would have been like, but haah, i don't know.
* * *
all's fair in love and war, but nothing really is fair, in the other sense of the word. sometimes i think that what matters is we're aware of what's going on, we know what we're doing, and doing make any careless mistakes that we'd regret. of course, there are bound to be things that we'd regret later, in hindsight, but the best we can do now is what we can with what we know now, isn't it?
well, that's beside it. i'd always believed that i'd be better for me if i kept my peace in such situations.. i've strove for that mark of perfection, however small, and i think, have hit not too far off the mark, to quote a character from fiction.  i can't remember the last time i got totally worked up, but if i ever did it was over schoolwork. school just tends to make people irrational
"Be ye angry, and sin not...." anger without losing one's senses, without losing one's calm. that's what it means, i think.. i've tried, and i don't think i've struck too far. people who know me can testify.. but when i'm pissed i'm pissed, haha.. at the stupidest things sometimes. but seldom. and with my family i'm always calm. lately, anyway. it takes time to grow up.
i think that's enough.. it's pretty obvious what's happening, again.. but i know more now, i've seem more, so i see it in a different way, and react differently.. haiz. independance may be a curse, as is to rule, but sometimes it's the best of a few evils.. i look forward to it, somewhat. i remember the nameless man who wandered the mountains for no other purpose than to wander, and i wonder. haah. how likely is it that i'll meet someone else who isn't just stopping to be mature and thoughtful for a while, then go back to doing ridiculous things. i'm tired of following, in too many senses. i've been far too respectful.
pah, tis a dreary subject. i'm going, going away for a goodly time.. won't be back, but u may hear from a messenger. or maybe i'll quietly meet one friend somewhere sometime.. i don't know when i'm coming back. the more i consider my own curse, the more i lose faith in the hope of finding another.. i've an eternal friend now with me in spirit. so there really is no body here.
yeah, actually it's quite apt. i've lost my blood. it's not something that people who haven't experienced can understand. my blood is now spirit.. insubtantial things run through me. i really do, feel incredibly, desperately sad. and nobody will respond, will they? it's an open ended question, despite it all.
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11:27 pm
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