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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
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don't know what i feel. nothing. that's what i'm likened to.
how should i feel? the people i cared about have gotten stuff beyond what they have dreamt of achieving. without having to work for it. it's supposed to be a good thing. but.. i dunno. self-centeredly, i just sucks that, these people got what i wanted, dreamed for, thought i deserved for so long. and most of all, they don't give a shit. not a bloody shit. who cares what he wanted. i got it. hur hur.
just want to run away. i thought i was free. freedom.. it's what gives you the ability to make choices that directly affect what you get in the end. but no.
i'm starting to think, guys really aren't built to cry. wanted to, but somehow.. just couldn't.
but then now i can.
***
you don't really konw what it feels like, do you? when nobody really gives a shit, and when they do, for all the wrong reasons. now i've been likened to a fucking useless loser. that's what you have done. like arrun, like tim wee, like arthur. not to say they are; their definitely not. but some are. but they've basically slacked out choir, done nothing. before, and after.
before, you know what i've done. no use talking any shit. you'll just accusing me of things again. i say f.
after. hahh. we'll see. taking things for granted is just something that we all do. it's just when and where you happen to do it, when and where you don't bother to try to care. there are consequences to everything.
don't get me wrong. i'm not going to sabotage the choir or anything. i'm pissed bad, but i'm not a fucker that way.
besides, i couldn't care less anymore. before i thought i only cared about the music; now i only care about the music. my music. the music i make. cause i can't control the music made by the choir. i'm not allowed to. can't control the choir's potential and develop it, can't lead the choir to places dreamt of. can't do f.
so i'm just going to make it good for me. because nobody else is or will, and because nobody cares whether or not i do anything for this damn choir or not, after everything. no matter what i do, i know there are some people who would rather i just shutup and do nothing. now they're in power. nothing wrong wif the former. and the implications of the latter is that now i just won't go and piss them off.
i'm taking my own road now.
you thought i was aloof before. then i got in real good. and some of you wished i wld just shut up again.
wish granted.
goodbye and screw off.
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8:21 pm
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