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danne |
Saturday, August 27, 2005
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that day was really wierd. thursday. step out the door, something funny's going on. people were alerady up over the place even tho i had gotten up earlier than normal. walk towards the train station, lightning flashed behind the clouds and highlighted the edges. it never rained until the next afternoon.that one.. that person. hahh. there are so many, but what t3h heck. i'm so glad it's back to normal for you. it got so screwed up that i gave up, i'm sorry. but there really wasn't anything more i could do for you. but now, it's okae, somehow, i think. so i'm glad. nee ann poly was cool. was telling pathy and si en, from primary sch to RI, it's like, woww, big place, possible to get lost during the first couple of months. then go nee ann, it's like, hahha, all over again. really big. when they start numbering their canteens, you know it's a big place. it's related. somehow when i go places, i know people. i don't know how i know them, but somehow i just feel that i do. of course they don't recognize me, but then if they did i wouldn't be here thinking. i haven't been to exactly a lot of places, but.. it's just funny. as in, wierd. i wish i could just talk to them, but.. 害羞. huhh. ... ... it's like bro edmund said. saying goodbye.. imagine it's the last time. he talks about death, that when that person comes back, it'll be for your funeral, and stuff like that, but actually, isn't it true that when we meet people everywhere, and get to know them even in the slightest, it's really like, we'll never see them again?? watch chinese wu xia xiao shuo,that's how it is when friends meet again; it's such a rare thing, they really spend loads of time together. then when it's time to part ways, it's really in the knowledge that we'll enver meet again, because China is such a dang big place. that's how i feel it; every time. mostly which those people i've met and known, but of course with those i've gotten to know. well, i'm human. i'm afraid to get to know. in the same way, it's because of this that i'm saying, never mind i'll find these people again. i remember them; i remember some small details. if i have to search the world and befriend all the miltary and police around the world to help me find them, i will somehow. i've got to. because i've got unfinished business with you. so many people that i've met in so many different circumstances. but why didn't i just do it then, or now? why wait? ... i lack the courage. and there's another thing about saying goodbye so often. it's so convinient, to say something then leave before the other party can reply, can have time to think about what to say. not that it's right, but.. in the same way, always going around, that's how it becomes sometimes. i hope it never becomes like that for me, because i never want to be forced to leave a place or someone because i've got a schedule, because i'm in a hurry somewhere else. i want to be whereever i want to be, or with whoever wants me for as long as neccessary, or even possibe. ... haiz, thinking about it, it seems so impossible, but i know i'll do it. it seems the word is about that i'm a guy for impossibilities. somehow, i can convince teachers otherwise about things, make them think; somehow, i'm slacking, but then i'm not; then i am again, and somehow i survive the year, i get promoted to the next level. it doesn' t sound good; it makes me sound.. insecure? hahaha... yea, but insecure in this case, not in the emotional sense. but doesn't this just lead to the latter? and if this isn't the truth, didn't i get into RI this? and do i regret it? i don't know. but that's how it is now. going everywhere and meeting everyone, and talking to everyone, having a portion of time when souls can contact, i believe it'll give me something. it'll help me understand people better; as a whole, and individually. and somehow, i have this unconcious conviction that this will give me further courage to do things that i've enver before been thick-skinned, or daring, or just man enough to do. with people. for people. to people. for me. ... maybe i'm thinking too much. the situation now is, i'm not allowed to take O levels as a private candidate. that's what i've heard; i want to confirm it before i believe it. but then again, i've got no reason to disbelieve Si En.. whatever. i'll check it out. because that would just worsen matters for me, not being able to take O levels. i'm soo deep into this damn RP thing that i can't back out now. they've been teachign O levels syllabals, yes, but ever so extremely slowly, such that we really can't do O levels now. it's too late to turn back. instead, we're stuck with a bunch of other knowledge that we will only need to attain certificates much later in life. will we even remember it all after NS? all this, it sounds very superficial, all about getting those stupid papers on which my employement counts. but i can't help it; that's how we've made our world, and i will ned some small measure of savings to carry me around in case of emergency, and such a wide range of skills that will make it easy for me to find a job anywhere in this world to keep me alive physically until my mission on this world is complete, until my race has ended. i just pray that once again, against all odds, as they say it, there is a way somehow. i pray God's blessings in this sense will stay with me, because i'm convicted that this is what i should do with this life He has given to me once again. and i pray that the blessings of everyone i know are with me also. because it does matter, knowing that people are praying for you, are concerned about you. people in far away lands.. it seems so fake to us, but onyl because we never really knew these people properly, because they are always so far away. so i promise that i will never stay far away. i will always be there for everyone; but i doubt. doubt that people will want me. let me know, please, because when you are not desired anywhere, but only not minded.. that is such a great pain. as it is now. so i pray that i can, will be wanted. and i will be able to be there. let me, as the Book prophesied, run to and fro on the face of this earth. all this awaits me. Lord, help me walk towards this, with you by my side. give me strength to prepare myself for what will come, and keep me on the path. all this awaits me. in the near future. 明天. 11:51 am |