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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
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blogsurfing when i shld be studying.. really. too much? hmm. many wld think so, and take action. hahh.yingyi gotta lotta interesting links, hhaha... hm. it's pretty stupid. i'm pretty stupid. people around the world(note reference to me) go around and go, oh woe is me, but then there are two things; for one, there are so many others who think the same, feel the same, maybe hurt the same, the reasons: who will know? and for another, we actually like it, or at least, don't mind it. really. when i stop to brood by the roadside on a morning walkajog, when i fly with the birds to school on mornings with the sun peeking behind the clouds, it's really a feeling of.. embracing something. it feels like sadness, but it's.. not. you can't really embrace sadness, huhh, unless you're talking about, ohh i'm really sad, but nevermind.. i'll just go on being sad for eva and eva, oh oh. i think that's just kinda stupid. that is, if you actually manage to do that. me, can't do it. i've just got this short term memory loss thing. i mean, okae. i can remember it. i messed it up big time, or u pushed me into deep shit so that you could get away sparkling kleeen. big whoop. i'm pissed off. if i don't take action there and then when you-slash-i did it, i probably won't have the... emotional capacity? to do anything about it in the, near future. stuff just.. loses it's impact. i mean, it depends, really. loads of things.. are different. but that's another thing altogether. you can't compare it with that. what i'm saying is, i did somethign stupid and got u pissed at me, vice vera, blah blah blah, i can't remember it, now it doesn't seem like such a big deal. and real soon. so ppl get like, uuuuugh. dowan to talk to you. and i'm, why are u so xiao qi, still bothered by that little thing. i've forgotten it. okae, i think i'm repeating myself. what i was saying right at the beginning was, this attitude, it's really just, not sadness, hahh. maybe we pretend it wld be, to ourselves. but i think maybe it's not. ohho, now i'm going all maybe again, says you. well, i don't know. i don't know a lot of things. i don't know why i think about such things. girls are going, bahh guys are so insensitive, so jerk-y(get that a lot frm ppl why hear tt ur from RI then get as far away in their crowd of CHI or ACSI peeps as possible). then the next moment, when u go quiet, they're all, whatcha thinking about, why so quiet, why do u think about such things, blah blah blah. well, okae. i'm stereotyping. ARGh. *Kicks self*. no really. that was stupid. butbutbutbut.. i dunno. it's just something about us. now i'm starting to think, maybe okae, it's us. slapslap, wake up, nt maybe liaoz, is is is. kae. it's just that, suddenly, at certain situations, we'll see different things. things that maybe another guy in a similiar mental-slash-emotional state wldn't notice. maybe it hits older guys. maybe i'm premature or something. big whoop. aaah. wash face. okae. another things i notice is.. i'm really kinda immature. kinda. really. huhh. dunno how to further comment on that. i'll just make myself seem more immature. to myself! hahahah. oopshyt. hoohahh. think.. maybe i got to sober down. this isn't me. is it? i don't know. i don't have a real voice. don't know what i'm really like. don't know anything. make stoopid sounds, even when blogging. hm. wait. wasn't it sober up? ughh.. dunno what to think. there's what i want myself to be like, then there's what i.. am like. because of situation. then situation changes. sumtimes it's just me, sometimes it isn't. ... ... maybe shld just change topic. on one hand, there are people who are even more confused and worse off than me. which is relevent to the first thing i realizzzzzed tonite. yayy. (lesson time. but not school homework, nt graded, huhh.) but then.. why shdl tt matter? what other people are like? shld set my own standards.. but at the same time.. there is the desire to help others. when u-slash-i sit down to think about it. but then.. most of the time i'm kinda.. blinded. by perpectual realization of my own weaknesses. of my own desires.(weaknesses and desires not to be linked!!!!!!! maybe some are related, but not all, so there. end comment.) okae.. i really don't know what to think already. tooo messy. getting mussed up in the head. okae.. other things. after going through the entire collection of CDs(numberous times! hoho.. but mostly a few that i liked. a few being.. anywhere between 2 and 12.), burnt and bought after bring over from the old house, i'm back onto radio stations, nicce old 93.3 and newer Lush 99.5! yeaahh.. radio is good. hahah. yep yep yep. is good. yingyi, tune in to singapore radio online if ya feeling homesick, hurhurhur!~ just a while ago, DJ was saying, this time of the year, everyone is really busy.. esp. students bahh.. pamela, ruth, amanda, da 6L'03 guys who i knew a bit, kinda, haha.. and johnny, who's taking O levels oso.. all shuper busy.. yea.. then of course us other "normal" students, supposed to be mugging like mad for end-of-year papers also lahh.. i say supposed, because i'm not.. ugh.. just feel so.. unable to do. again. because i look at all the homework, then i look at the revision worksheets, then i look at books, then i thinks. "homework must hand in.. top priority. budden i see see see, all that i know how to do completely do already!! if i do halfway a few of these.. then oso useless. cannot hand in half done. cannot cannot cannot!! thenn.. never finish homework.. where got xin to go and revise.." even worse, the math revision papers ahh.. scary. dunno how to do almost all. math double weightage. when i go back to sch supposed to show head of math all the revision papers i did, including Thousand Year Series sia.. haben started doing! now is.. wednesday, tomorrow got remedial, friday got choir, saturday is church ditto(kae lah dis one oso not the whole day), sunday... stayign overnight in school, because on monday morning, 5.30 the choir is going to Kranji War Memorial to sing for the memorial.. first time the annual service for World War Two is being held in an Asian country, or so i lhear.. so is quite a big deal. also, is high security, must show IC, or EZlink card for lower sec peeps then can enter, cause got impt. people from everywhere there.. huhh.. the IC number had to register a coupla weeks ago, only like 20+ 30 ppl can get in for choir, so all the ji pro guys then get in, hurhurhur.. then cause some on sunday afternoon cannot make it, so also some other peeps come in lah.. lower secs.. most of them ahh.. nothing to say. better not say, just get more irritated. whatever lah.. exposure lorh. maybe they'll change. yea.. so basically i'm gonna get killed by him(HOD math), cause i got sent to him by my math teacher, who oso dunno how to teach properly(not i sayone hor!! other ppl taught by him, inc. my class ppl complain.. but dunno why sch admin never hear.. or did they?) ... now i say ah, then touch wood ah.. later kena sent to deputy headmaster by him, then the question will be, do you still want to stay in RI? then i really dunno how to answer already.. a lot of things i really must have u explain properly then i can understand mah... private schooling? too expensive lah, go and die. then this kinda of stupid system that has taught me nothing ever the past three years, what other secondary school will want to accept me? go anywhere else will oso kena shunned by students cause "tt guy kena transferred here from RI".. so i'm rejected by all parties, shunned by all sides. ask me do what. i oso dunno. everytime 快快乐乐过日子, in the end get through.. is it becasue last minute cheong is most effective? is it because, actually last time my standard of relax is actually not that relax compared to other people already? maybe.. but right now, maybe my standard increase liaoz.. until i kena, and academic failing.. another thing is.. when young ah, really cannot appreciate thing that are given freely.. hahahah.. i'm talking about days of my youth, and i'm fifteen. just goes to show what society is turning into. maybe it looks different to everyone. looks like a monster to me. okae, i was saying.. when i was young, the one thing given freely was.. piano lessons. hahh, it was practivally forced, to put it not-very-nicely. until one point.. i just find that i couldn't do it. i couldn't stand the repeated failure that i had to face before i could achieve success. huhh. i think i finally put it into words. i cannot tahan failure. nt afraid.. at least i dun think so. i just cannot tahan. hate it. rather don't go for it. huhh. that's why i'm screwing up now. is this a psycological illness? either way, it's a mental problem. that bad kind. here i am talking about what i idiot i am, and what am i doing to change it. ughh.. but how to change??? i know it's bad, and people just assume that i should know how to change it, and should just go and change it. it's like when planning an event, then someone makes a totally stuuuuupid suggestion. u say dun do that lah, then the guy/gal gets pissed off, and goes, FINE. U THINK OF A BETTER IDEA LORH. then i dunno then he/she will say, NO BETTER IDEA THEN SHUT UP!!1oneone. it's just this wrong idealogy that since you know something is bad, you know how to fix it. it's totally not true. i can't stand it that people assume that. that's one of the main things that i find myself getting really, really boiled up about, when i try to talk logic with people(讲道理!). i gotta write that down, and tell my rising anger to shut up the next time. but will it work? okae.. once again, i have rattled on and on until i dunno how i got here. anyway, what i wanted to say was, the DJ was talking about a good way to reduce stress is to plan what u wanna do after the examinations. which is what i have always been doing. the only problem is, now, most people would say that i'm not stressed enough!! but i'm really totally stressed. that's why i just.. uuuuuuuuugh. dowan to think about it. and somehow i can don't think about it. totally. but people just don't like that, and keep reminding me. so i really can't keep it up. so what the heck. then, to connect it with what i was saying about youth just now.. hahaha... say everything then connect. what, connect four ah. ahemm. okae. what i was saying about youth just now. youth then, got piano. UGH. BLOODY WOMAN JUST STARTED YELLING> DON"T MIND THIS BIT!!!!!!!!!!!11ONEONEONE. youth got piano. then dropped it. then now.. really with hadn't. listen to people like geof, pamela, peeps playing piano, it's like.. i shld be able to do that, i want to be able to do that, why can't i do that??? it's just so beautiful, i was such an idiot for giving it up. then there are other things, other things that i want to do now. okae, some of them i wanted to do since long ago, but my parents didn't let me do. i dowan to say anything about those. u know how i feel about them(UNNECCESSARY RESTRICTIONS!!!! LISTEN TO COACH CARTER!!!!! FEAR OF SUCCESS!!) . ahem. then there are other things that i recently got interest in. like music mixing. like real pop vocals. like piano, guitar, drumming(this is one of the above yelling shout shout scream tear hair lock myself in my room things), like wushu, like street acrobatics, like japanese(another), korean language(is there another name? koreanese? stupid me.). like real computer graphic design. i know i can do it if i try. but the thing that is killing me is, why didn't i do learn it earlier, from young?? why can't i learn it now? blaaaargh. dunno what to do.. now i got nothing that i want to do that i can do. it's just so stupid. these parent-type creatures, they have a list of thing they want you to accomplish. but once you also want to accompish it, they strike it off their list of things they want you to accomplish, and want you to do other things. bloody stupid, if you ask me. there's nothing i want to do that i'm allowed to do now.. cepting... pumping myself to death, then i sleep.. time to knock it down. 10:43 pm |