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Thursday, May 22, 2008
pocketbook scribbling •
i don't know why i bring up certain things, things that well, for a good reason i choose to erase from my memory. there's a reason why strong drink often makes a man forget what he did when he was drunk, after all. oh well, maybe it's some sort of retarded arrogance, what the hell are you trying to show off man, that you've had experience being more of a retard than the other guys?SAT results back, i did abysmally. it really does feel like breaking up through sms, how you click a link and there's your answer from a load of colleges right there. i know i didn't really prepare, but oh well sigh. so much for all that, mr. ng was even talking to us about college stuff and all that today, he really can get a guy comfortable talking about these stuff when he's given the time and gets down to it, lol. i asked him about cornell and how i really hoped to study architecture there and he went, almost briskly, lightly and frivolously, oh! our students seem to do quite well with their admissions officers, those who apply are generally accepted. well. perhaps it's a test of how much i want it, haha. in the end i suppose all such things are idealizations based on what we can imagine and what we hope for, but i'd bet on them, since there's not much more to work on, i won't be able to go and see, duh. and well, reputation precedes them, so whatever. at this kind of time it's depressing to think about such things, even though when you really consider it the fact is we'll have to begin to handle these things seriously only in a few months time. anyway, what's at hand is our competition tour, and i have only one small prayer for trip, really. better that one's fears not be shared, so shush, haha. flu-thing is mostly cleared up, i do believe i'll be in perfect shape just as the plane takes off. or i hope, but i'm fit to sing my best, haha. now it's a matter of getting into top gear, fine-tuning all the equipment. sigh i wish i had a better recorder. do i sound like that! life has been trying, as usual. in flashbacks: i'm an absolutely horrible student to mr chia, sigh. i have no excuses, i just really suck, i should drop h1 but! i don't want to! oh gosh how do i work on solidifying my three core subjects, researching and studying for my thesis and KI, and spend all the time and passion i want to on art. i need a time machine, but well isn't this complaint all tired and worn out already from being used by people all over the world. people have been trying, i've been trying, i don't know! how have i been affecting people, how do i stop being something detrimental when so often some part of me just isn't interested in thinking about that. i appreciate that when i come right out and ask mr lee what it is about me that bothers him he can come right out and just say it too. i'm tired and tired of inadequate communication, if we're all equally mature individuals can't we just accept one another and work from there to better ourselves as we deem fit, to make ourselves easier to be loved. also i'm tired of backstabbing and well i don't know, that's too harsh a thing to call it! and and and come on.. when i ask questions, i'm not trying to challenge you! i'm trying to get a better understanding of what's going through your mind and heart so that i can make better decisions on how to think and feel myself. don't you think, just maybe it's something about you that's making you so defensive, nobody's accusing or judging you yet. and it well, shows, folks' worldviews, what is so surprising about talent and effort spent to develop a passion that's been kept under wraps because a person decides not only to be humble but to be actively so. perhaps all the surprise at a person's capabilities is because you yourself think too much of yourselves. sigh gosh this is so snippish. i begin to understand the stuckness of my psychological state. so many situations i'm caught in between emotions and beliefs and stands, i'm not angry i'm not hurt, i'm not confident i'm not humble, i'm not unconcerned i'm not desperate to get close, i'm not sorry for the distance i'm not happy about what's working out. what is with all this. i want to go back, then stop timeeee. nobody here will have anything to do with love it seems, at least as of now. i'm listening to old music again. really old. old as us. 11:09 pm |