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danne |
Saturday, March 01, 2008
put the lime in the coconut •
 so much for being at peace with the world. it's difficult to say, but.. i'm feeling once more like maybe deciding to wait, not to do anything might turn out to be a bad decision. it's just a feeling, you know. the thing is, logical things can always be explained away with counterlogic. feelings.. just are. could be the crappy day. well, i don't know. it wasn't really that crappy. i feel it's the whole internal aura thing, you know? little things nagging my unconscious mind just making me unsettled and on the edge. i'd try to understand them, but i don't know if i can. retarded chinese common test yesterday had some passage about not living any moment of your life like it's just a dry run; it's the real deal, all the way, boys. somehow most of the times i've been to chinese class this year and the teacher tried to say something instead of showing a movie, i actually got reminded about something about life. can't say why, but i hate it. augh. gramps is in the hospital cause of some breathing problems.. mom's betting on him chowing down on all the leftover CNY stuff, plus not taking his meds regularly for his various old person ailments. he always was an ok-shape sort of guy.. messing with chemicals in the spare room in the old, larger flat the grandparents used to stay in, hitting the beer hard. not too hard, anyway. but now he's hospitalized. a thing like that can really affect the resolve and inner strength of a person. then, granny's birthday celebs at GWC on sunday evening. it's quite an interesting feeling, like some bittersweet-lemon gum of a feeling. i'm quite happy for her, cause her children generally are really one big family with her, but maybe that's just me contrasting with the other side of the family. and as one of the oldest male grandchildren.. it's a certain feeling, haha. like i want to make the rest of her life good as it can be, feeling. sigh. on the way back via mrt today i discovered something important about music and me, and extending the reasoning just right now, i learn something new. i like for things to have, meaning.. i can't stand songs when they don't mean anything, aren't trying to say something meaningful. likewise with art, in hindsight. thankfully, though, that doesn't often happen, cause it's quite hard to do these things without trying to express something, and that in itself is meaning. i could well be wrong about Mondrian. perhaps i just don't understand him, like i seem not to understand so many things. so maybe i'm just feeling stagnant, like something about life just isn't moving on and growing. maybe the non-action is by choice, and it annoys me in some profound way that i can't deny. maybe it's just today, and i can sleep it off. maybe reminders about certain relationships ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE tempting the socks off of me, and then tempting me to headbang(insert object). maybe after tomorrow something else little will provide the little tweak to my mood and it'll be alright. or maybe there's a solution to this thisthisthsitshit problem. 8:17 pm |