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Monday, October 15, 2007
really really really. •
i have to say, sunday was great, today was great. i'm comforted that maybe perhaps to some extent we're in this together, but i'm afraid for so many other things.. and there's this whole thing we're pushing for, little time and too many sounds. i see too many parallels, i can't keep up with the thoughts and referencing that tell me how to do the right thing from what i've experienced.. and all the while i'm reminded of this damn thing that's totally screwed my faith in myself, in the way i do things. why am i so bloody gullible? i can bluff myself any day of the week.
maybe i should, but i don't feel completely comfortable with any of these things. it affects things, even though i can't say that when i feel right,things turn out okay anymore. i'm just afraid that something will mess up and that'll be it for good, and then i'm afraid that this was all a mistake, and we're not ready to do this together, or we're the right people at the wrong places. i'm too worried about screwing up all of a sudden, but you can hardly blame me, these things build up, i go up and down and when was the last time i fell into this rut? oh yeah.
i DON'T want to think about this whole mess, really. i wanted to leave it behind me, but there's something still there, and maybe it's not about the people. i hope it's not about the people, because that's what i'm supposed to be leaving behind, really. really, i don't like feeling this way. i'm a new person, sure, and it's good for me, maybe it's one of the changes you talked about. but really, even thought i go PAH when people go on about the past and last time and don't spend enough time doing things about now, i miss that, really. i'm tired again, there's no need for explanations. i won't say it here, all the things, but really, really, really. i'd actually be content to just go back and loop.
and i know you'll laugh at me, hahhaha. maybe i can find help. if only people talked.. i don't talk. i make stupid noises, excuses, only certain people certain things certain times, only one for all. i'll keep moving, hopefully if all this crumbles on down i'll still have strength to get up. i want to talk to someone, but she's just a memory now and we all know memories are mostly made up from dreams. Déjà vu. but i'll try.. i hope. after all this time.
but yeah, amos. you're right. disillusioned. my eyes been opened to a lot of things suddenly, and i'm quite afraid. all this has been because people don't talk.. will i, now? will i keep my word.
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9:43 pm
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