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danne |
Sunday, September 30, 2007
blue suede shoes - •
 well, it's been some time. promos aren't QUITE over yet, and i'm horribly scared for art, cause i really haven't been keeping up, what with trying to fix my problem with other subjects, to the extent of totally embarrassing myself in class by confusing one movement with another completely, zz.. i really begin to regret not going the humans path, taken geog, art, ki and math and h3 geog or h1jap, hahhaha, but it's kinda too late for this sort of regret. we'll get where we're going, somehow, hmm.. yeah, so i'm.. wasting time here, lol no lah, just trying to destress. woke up at 9.35 this morning and like zzz grope about the sheets for specs, then see the time on handphone WHOMP fly out of bed to shower, hahhaha.. but really tired, i think i'm reading a lot of unnecessary stuff for art, somehow, cause there's just sooooo much i read till 4am, i think i'm going to die. i borrow phrase: ttm. i don't talk much about my church or God here, you'll realize.. i don't know, sometimes i ask myself what's going on too, why i am where i am, hahhaha. it's convoluted, but sometimes people can be frustrating, and i'm starting to babble. it's just that sometimes i wish things were just, better, too, but they can't be, and i can't walk away again, not like others can or might. it's like wishing to help, but this boy's already waist deep in other smelly crap called studies, and sinking.. and to top it off, it's that same feeling. every time i get the itch to do something about stuff, to organize stuff, to get things happening, i just get overcome by this horrible whatchamacallit. fear, or depression, whatever. i guess it's fear. so many times things don't work out because people don't have the vision, don't think they can do it. well if you don't do anything, of course you can't! sigh, i stop, yes. but then again i've been through this, so i begin to ask myself, so what. if someone's got to try it might as well be you, you've somehow managed to bounce back so many times with only a broken heart and injured spirit that refuses to die despite having it's arms and legs lopped off a la black knight. what can i do, i guess i'll try if some part of me wants to. tired is as tired does, i'll try whatever i can convince myself to.. so yeah, big ole project yay ! i asked my dad, do you know what he's doing..? is he for real, but he wouldn't answer me. i'll just have to try and see i guess. in the end it's not about him anyway, it's about the people. i guess i won't die from one more awesome project being turned into farce by skeptical folks. it's just that.. it's such an incredibly disgusting waste. it's most definitely not just there either. chorale's starting up, and i'm getting the blues again as you can tell, HAH ! it's no fun, i hate it. i need to do other things, i need to learn to live with extended failure. cause failure isn't a destination, it's a way of doing things that undermines the dreams that we had as little children and ran around on pebble beaches while your parents are waiting patiently in the car around the clump of connifers with your sis grumbling about it being late and wanting to go home, but you just have to find the biggest, smoothest, roundest "pebble" that you can pick up to bring back and nestle into your luggage midst the little red and white and blue polos with odd designs that all little boys have at some point in their lives, bring back home on the plane and then forget about it, only to have it put with so many other smaller pebbles from the gardener's in the little garden with the clipped grass and squat black light sitting alone. my dad used to call it "that 金枕头", which i never got, cause i'd go, but it's not gold! and he would have this lack of any sort of expression on his face when you looked at it. blank. come back to today, to 2007, these times are blank. i don't like this, but heck, it's too long already. i'm not in the mood to take the effort to mess with aesthetics, art is cramping my mind up, why am i such an incompetent ***************** grah. i'll get this over with, fingers crossed and leave the rest up to Him, go shoot pool and spend money money money, run and hit and throw, bake something nice and ridiculous, start calling people, do PW, study for chinese and mug my ass off. i just refuse to believe that i couldn't do it even when i tried so hard. i must not have tried hard enough. oh, and about Him. it's because it's a very personal relationship, that's the way relationships go with me, hahhaha. and because really, it should all be in your heart already, or someone's planted the seed, and singing to it too much may or may not encourage it to grow =) 4:18 pm |