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layout by: detonatedlove♥
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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zz, i don't know what's going on. so luan.
i don't know what i dare to hope for anymore. probably nothing much. what to do about this thing and that. people just don't talk. for various reasons.
it's so hard, keeping my eyes on the prize and working towards it.. short term goals, long term goals.. they say everything you do should have a reason. somehow things just don't work that way. or the reasons is just.. obscure. not really a reason at all.
studies, architecture, mugging, meeting people, making new friends.. ns, uni, scholarships. it's all so screwed up. i don't know if i can do it anymore. math has started, i just can't figure it out. my designs are so sketchy, i can't draw to scale, express every nuance on paper. i'm not even sure if they'll work out to scale anymore, the old ones. gah.. and it's crazy, school will be over in 2 years, then uni how?? i can't even find a scholarship to work towards, don't know how to search. i suppose i could always go to NUS, but.. i want to aim higher first. actually, i just want to do it like i've imagined.. NUS is really a fallback. but how realistic am i being.
long term.. i'm not even sure what to think about what's going to happen anymore.. just too tired of thinking and worrying. it's so hard to keep it in mind, and do everything. tired.. i'm just depending on His grace, and the 1000 years. what am i talking about, i don't know what's going to happen.. gah. but i don't know how to help people anymore. i just can't connect with anyone in that way anymore.
everything envisioned just seems.. idealistic, but i just can't bear to give up on the dreams.. i forgot that people may not be what i imagined. i guess i just.. imagined too much. gah.. this is just heading back to previous thoughts.
i just find it hard to accept that it's more than, we only touch each other briefly on the surface in this world; we're really all very, very alone.
cause that's not how i imagined it to be.
the future used to be so bright..
look at us now.
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10:30 pm
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