recently
"unassuming wisdom was never meant to be exalted, ...
奇异恩典 何等甘甜 我罪已得赦免 前我失散 今被寻回 瞎眼今得看见 如此恩典 使我敬畏 ...
nothing major. back to life.. the st. john's aura ...
the island.i'm just at a loss for appropriate word...
poetry that i can't shareit just isn't therebroken...
so many things to sayso many people in my headi'll...
say i'm harshbut ain't nobody the freakin' center ...
music from 4 years back to get the heart beating a...
"since our dreams exist in airwho on Earth can bri...
i really want my macbook now -.-went to collect AP...
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Saturday, December 16, 2006
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i resent that radioblog has only english songs -.-
stuff is coming along.. wenhao gave me a call yesterday night, i'm looking forward to chorale with some measure of hope.. maybe it can be more for me then RV was.. not that i don't love RV, but i always felt that.. we should be so much more. gotta remind myself that every situation is only as much as you make of it.. but you gotta admit, not everything is in our hands. it's not true that any situation can be turned to good if we just look it in the right light. but sometimes it even feels right to fail, to get hurt, to have to get out of the room for a minute.
cause when you try to live life like a drama, with all its beautiful twists and turns, ups and downs that come together to make it so.. it feels good to be aware of the many things going on. on that note.. ignorance isn't innocence. don't degrade the virtue so.. for me, it's to be cherished as humility. haa.. but whatever.
yesterday went out to shoot pool with geof.. just played for a couple hours. its moments like these that make me think about existence as a whole.. and the life we will live before the next in some sort of premonitory retrospect.. the things we can do with it. together with the ideal of architecture, there was.. this purpose, to make a picture.. a place of sorts, on the cliffside, detatched rooms here and there, pathways, hidden nooks and cozy corners in the rocks, and cemented areas of course. if eternity continued as such, and we have the leisure to do the things we can't at the moment, bogged down by neccesity.. to plant a mustard seed and be able to watch it grow into the tree whose greatness we have heard, to divide one's time between contemplation and joyous, joyous company.. those are the only two necessities for me in my existence, i think.. there is no need to wait. eternity has already begun, i already speak with my Lord.. only time is lacking, but what is time to a man who has assurance of a secure future? with someone to watch over him? only a certain uncertainty, the temptation of questioning, the questioning of one's own faith.. it's not easy to just trust, utterly unknowing. innocence.. i don't think it can be regained. but then again, even innocence is relative. i just cherish those who have it, if it can even be measured, more than i do..
yearning for the time when neccesity will truely bring only joy to those it forces itself upon.. yearning for company as dreamed of, as written in stories. now, it is true that everyone is lonely.. we only touch one another briefly, then move apart, because of fear, because of goodness knows what.
two years, then a newer world, and already one in the next.. but in the end is everything always changing, or is it all actually always the same? love less or hate more? kill less or save more? maybe it's all unimportant. in the end the big picture for me remains the same, so i should be concentrating on the things i did 4 years back.. but why can't i have that innocent fervor once more? things have changed.. i feel the difficulty of the task. yet.. the more i force myself to contemplate it, the more i know i have to try.. two years, then a new world.. maybe, then it'll be easier? i doubt it.. but it really is so hard now. it's not about the lapse of time, it's about me. it's about courage, about acceptance, and about love.
fine, things are different now. things need to be done before the world crosses that barrier.. but even that tempts me. to be selfish, to choose. what right have i to choose? yet it seems that it is somehow in my power, and blood will be on my hands.. grah. it's a horrible burden, and now i can guess how it came to be that i gradually came to throw it off, little by little.. but it needs to be done.. even more, i need it to be done..
please, guide me..
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5:05 pm
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