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Sunday, July 09, 2006
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i'm really tired just now, came back from the cdc's annual performance.. was quite good, but i learnt something else.. which is kind of why i'm feeling so tired now.
i don't know if i want to talk about it.. it just seems so futile.. pah.
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
just before the concert got me some bossa nova music.. didn't really choose properly, from that CD shop in tanglin.. hmm.. i'll probably end up going there more often. just like how it's so quiet..
got interested because of revived interest in the girl from ipanema, which we did for ensemble, and i remembered from this guitar track i had somewhere.. and now i'm lost in the music. it's my new love, you could say.. haha.. yes.. a fickle heart, but i somehow can't help falling in love with this music.
recently saw Herbert Grönemeyer's music video of Demo(Letzter Tag), on danne's blog.. and i love it too. the song, the dance, the music, it's all so exquisite. it's beauty, something i've loved all my life. isn't it natural for man to love beauty? for the same reason i fell to architecture.. because it's all part of the same thing.. beautifying every part of our lives. the things we hear, the things we see and the things we touch; the place where we live.
the pain of tonight's performance was.. something i somehow connected to all this..
an actor in an amatuer drama, has to pluck up the courage to throw himself, heart and soul, into the emotions which the scriptwriter devoted him/herself to, and such is the vunerability of an actor. one choice is indifference, which, i believe, cannot last long. and of course, there is the straitforward acceptance of who one is, how one appears. coming to terms with oneself, being comfortable with oneself, however one is.
i'm too arrogant to cheat myself with the former, for all my obsession with beauty, and so incapable of the latter. they say, one's greatest critic is oneself, and i can only hope that it's true.. friends give me so much hope. you alone can make me feel, what am i thinking about, this is all temporary. i'm really, too flattered by u guys.. but when i'm not drunk with inconsequential emotional blankness, i just get lost in all the things this world has. i realize that beauty doesn't bring happiness either.
that's what i learnt tonight. i've dreamt, imagined, how life might be like, if i got "lucky". i would graduate, and get a job in some architecture company, eventually become an independant designer somehow, throwing myself into making such environments as i can dream of, travel and see all the arts and cultures, learning and teaching as i lack and have, passing my life. but what happiness can one gain from such a life?
suddenly, the feeling that none of these can bring any real satisfaction. friends will leave me, mostly, for work, for marriage; my works will be distorted and mauled by this brutish race, and i'll watch as the world's most beautiful cultures succumb to globalization. nothing we can do on this earth can bring true happiness for long.. and beyond that, somehow i feel so uncertain.. for some reason i just lack that blind faith.
it's that dreadful foreboding, that grim feeling, like the ghosts of christmas past, present and future.. except that i am they, and i'm telling myself. and there is no reprieve for me.. at least none that i know of.
*deep breaths* kae.. feeling better now.. lol.. contrary huhh.. well.. now somehow it's clearer to me, in another step, and it's pretty scary. i'm not exactly the epitome of selfconfidence either, so i really don't know how to react. well.. just go along with whatever He sees fit to reveal to me.. and see what i am meant to do with what i learn..
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12:41 am
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