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Monday, October 03, 2005
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what're you supposed to do, you know. what the hell do you choose. let the other party think you're some sort of bastard, some useless.. or what? would it really be better to let them know what's going on, then end up thinking they've been really hasty and judgemental, and then they start blaming themselves. these things don't happen. because.. i don't know. which is better? as it is, by doing nothing.. i'm still doing something. either way.. it just seems like it won't feel good.
read about people, and see people around.. form ideals. of what i want to be. i make it realistic; i convince myself, sure, that's possible. i just gotta work towards it. it's possible for me to be that. i want to; i will. but it just ain't easy.. i just keep screwing up. i know i can do it; sometimes i do. i can do it.
but then there are other cases.. i just can't, you know? i don't even know how i ended up here, how it's become such that these things are expected of me.. why? i'm not able to. why can't you see that? you said i don't try; maybe i can't? maybe that's just crap, why can't i try? i don't know. i just can't. i've tried, and i've failed miserably. i can't do it again. call it whatever you want.
things always start to look bad all at once. then suddenly you don't really know for sure that everything is going to be so bad. the bad omens suddenly become ambiguous, start to give you hopes. false hopes? how am i to know. it's not over yet.
it's just not over yet.
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8:38 pm
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