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danne |
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
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i'm sorry, you know? cause everything was just starting to get really fun and engaging, then everything falls away. i know i'm repeating myself. i do.stuff tries to come back. there was the play. there is the play. the musical, "Children's letters to God". They're looking for actors. who can sing. i was tempted to go; or that's how it seems now.. it seemed like an unignorable opportunity for fun, exerience and to get to know more people.. but now it's like.. something that i would never have been able to do anyway. the deadline for the audition application is tomorrow. i don't think i'll be sending in mine.. for no good reason, i just let things affect me, you know.. found out the title, i thought about The Prayer, at AGM, and then i thought about pamela, and then i thought a lot of things. dreaming always hurts in the end. but now i doubt i'll be sending in my resume.. nobody would want a guy like me in a commercial musical. it may be the description of the character i wld audition for, but somehow it's just wrong.. withdrawn, quiet, just basically unknown and seemingly unknowable. besides, i asked a bunch of other people who i knew who fitted into the age group wanted(15-18) whether they wanted to go for the audition, and they just laughed it off. who am i. huhh. directly contraditing myself in what is your deepest fear, aren't i. bah. the thing is, everything sucks now. more or less. i bought The Zahir by paulo. it seeemd like a biography at first, but he's really just using a portion of his life to pass on certain thoughts. i understand how his mind works now, to some extent, if what eh writes is true, and there are things i can connect with, those i can't. which is more or less like saying nothing. hm. but after reading this kinda stuff, pretty heavy even for me, it's like..i don't want to think about it. i would never have had to think about it, to be so frustrated with infinite thoughts leading my mind off into twice as many directions, to think: everything i have is superficial. but everything that i should desire is utterly impossible to achieve. i never wanted to think about these things. i just did. i just wanted to have fun, be happy by having my loved ones happy and being with them, and obeying my Lord until i am called and go to Him forever and get to be happy with those i care about for eternity. that's how selfish i am. why should i think so deeply about all these things? but i do. and they are true, and i cannot ignore them for long. haizz.. enuff about these depressing stuff. just thinking about how complicated yet pressing these matters are is enuff to jut make me go mad. i can't even try to consider these things properly without eventually just blowing up with frustration at my incapability to do. okae. so now, for all that i've done, i'm nothing but a sectional leader. a lousy one. it's not my calling: i'm not good at teaching people such stuff, as i'm expected to. i can never tell people what to do. in groups, organizing events, doing projects, all i can do is say, okae, here we are, together, with these materials and such capabilities. let's put our minds together and contribute as much as can to the ideal we work towards, and attain such as our dreams demand. i can help bring people together to start doing stuff properly, instead of standing around bickering as these people are inclined to. but it's pointless now, because i'm not supposed to. how is it that people can say, it's not that you're not important that you didn't get into the committe, it's not that your contributions weren't important or weren't appreciated. that makes no sense at all. isn't it because we are believed to be able to perform, to deliver, to help, to acheive, that we are made to lead? to be made to help otehrs lead themselves, such that we no longer lead, but the whole group moves together with such cohesion? how then, say you, that my contributions were great, my aid greatly appreciated, and yet i am no longer allowed to bestow my talents upon you, to use them for these people. i am rejected, thrown forth. i was something, but now am left to become nothing, because i was not one of the chosen ones of the ones who were before we are. and yet i do not know how is it that i have fallen out with them. it was just when they recieved their duties when they tossed me aside, like a companion for a game that, one the game is over, is utterly useless. when practical use is departed, so must i. i don't understand it. i'm probably uttering nonsense, but the fact is simply that, i can't understand it. not at all. this truely must be a case of king lear. everything else is similiar but one, which is not apparent, so i must assume: i have done something wrong? i have bestowed power upon the wrong persons, given my blessings to the wrong parties? it might well be so, but i love these people for who they are; therefore if i see what they do as right, my blessing is with them. yet what i dreamed for is denied. therefore i cannot believe in the Favour Bank. should such an institution exist.. these people would not use me so. this talk must be enough to drive paulo himself away. fine. i need another bag then. take this piece of petty, probably none less selfish news from my life, and depart. i seek a new sling bag for school. and yet this is completely irrelevant to you: why do people seek such news? why do people write it? 5:55 pm |