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danne |
Monday, April 25, 2005
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haha... realized that when i just sit and type, i end up using loads of [dot dot dot] and my grammar becomes seriously erratic.. lol.nvmind. anyways... today started off really weird. i got this feeling that like... ppl were, avoiding me or something. hm... shan't elaborate on my daily morning routine, but today i went off to sch quite a bit earlier than usual. haha.. actually 15 min. but just before peak hours, 15 min makes a big difference kaes... anyways.. there are just ppl you pay attention to when you go around the place, you know. ppl who always seem to be there. or most of the time. haha. i'm using "you" again. okae. the point is... today these two ppl. i noticed. haha. i'm just being stupid. they were like. different. somehow. blehh. shld i say. hmmm. well lets just say the first was somewhere else... i thot i was just earlier, but then i saw tt person later. after i got off the MRT. so like. okae. am i doing things to ppl around me unconsciously. lol are ppl starting to think I'm a second variation of daniel or something... lol... scary. kick me hard where it hurts if i am. it's for the best. anyways... later nearer to sch, it was like. the other person was like. hurrying. to go to the MRT. hmm... and like. i dunno. hahahahah just get the feeling ppl i don't even know are avoiding me. haha. ain't a crazee. today.. at tt spot i always see a bunch of bird just sitting around doing nothing. there were 4. hahah. and they just sat there and walked around. unlike like, previously. they wld hop around... doing something else. hahaha.., something was different today. there were more of them, or something. yeah.. i think so. before there were fewer.. i think? hahahaha... i'm crazy. what, reading the omens? lol.. what omens.. i dunno. reading too much paulo coelho stuff i think.. haha... but his books are really good. and i don't mean the stuff tt ppl nowadays seem to be looking for in books... suspense, storyline etc. i mean. i think it's quite good, but that's not the point. it seems to... make a lot of sense. really. and just seems really meaningful. i just read 'the alchemist' a while ago. okae... a month plus actually. i think, it's really tt book that has helped me realize something... i was really worked up about making my life work out... a career that i both enjoyed and was like.. i don't know.. "good enough"? haha... seems so stuck up. i can't quite see what i was thinking at that point of time right now.. hahaha... what he said, somehow.. made me start thinking. if i enjoyed what i did in life, if i was happy, what did it matter what was "good enough"? what was i even thinking about, anyway? isn't being happy the most anyone cld wish for? i think it wld be for me. if i cld be absolutely happy, i mean. complete satisfaction. no..? hahaa... kind of obvious, isn't it. but people's actions nowadays... just doesn't seem to work towards this goal. of making themselves happy. everything tt God wants us to do... really is for us to be happy... thou shalt not kill... it's not so much to restrict us from killing... but rather, to restrict others from being allowed to kill us... thou shalt not steal... likewise... and thou shall have no other Gods beside Me..? that wld just make God mad... cause we're not acknowledging Him for all He has done for us... and we don't really want Him to be mad at us, do we? like i said. everything tt i cld image having in this life... it's purely for this purpose. think carefully, really. sometimes, we're so disillusioned by the desires of others, and the happiness that they seem to have obtained from what they had gained, we start to think that these are the things that can make us happy. or something like that. haha... i'm no philosopher or psychologist = if i had three wishes... to be honest, i wldn't know what to wish for. there are too many things. as anyone wld say. lol. but... wishes are so specific. you really have to wish for exactly what you wish. i wish everyone i love could be with me in heaven when God calls us home... but tt's really not possible, is it... cause this kind of thing.. it's up to the people themselves to decide... furthermore.. there are probably loads of ppl i wld get to know and love if i only had the time to really know everyone in the world.. but that's just one thing. despite all my desires for God and friends for heaven, in the end i'm a boy. i'm a guy. i'm human. this time on earth.. i want to live it the happiest i can. that wld mean so many things.. to get to know as many ppl as i cld... everyone, personally, as close friends... but tt alone is so difficult.. and of course for all these people to be happy.. haha.. for them to have everything they wanted. for me to be able to personally provide them with everything they wld need or want. to be able to be with all of them at the same time.. together. haha... people always have dreams. sometimes they're big dreams. sometimes they're not so big. sometimes they seem so impossible... sometimes it seems like it's just within reach.. but yet you just can't seem to just reach out and get it.. as a child i had a dream. born in america... i had two neighbors... two tanned teenage guys.. most definitely more than 5 years older than me. sometimes they wld ask my mom to take me out just to the open area outside near the houses.. haha... i still can remember one item they dumped me on a skateboard and pushed me down a slope. yep.. right into a bush. hahaa.. so sitcom-ish. but no... seriously... but i also heard loads of stuff from them... they wld chat with each other, of course, when i was around. sometimes i just heard them somewhere, goodness knows where, yelling to each other,, when i was in the house. haha... it's a mystery i can remember this. but they spoke of really weird stuff.. yet seemed so wonderful. can't quite remember what exactly.. but they spoke of huge dark attics, treehouses ever so high up, animals with them, so many kinds... i had dreams of my own. i don't remember from my times in CA... i remember from when i came back. when i came back..my mom tells me, the first thing i commented was, "why is it so hot here?" or something along those lines... hahaa.. but at that age, just after coming back, i dreamed of going back. Monterey was by the sea... a coastal town. yet i never actually saw the sea that i always heard was just behind the great forest of conifers behind our house.. i imagined a great dock, and loads of people.. wld have my own place, and a jack Russell. hhaha... always adored those dogs as a kid. now.. i don't quite know. hm. wld have a real big patch... all the way from the sea, where i cld just sail out any time; a rocky shore on one side, a great beach on another.. haha... dreams. a great big little area... have a patch for planting stuff.. i wld have planted stuff. haha. don't quite know what, really. hey.. i was a kid. when i mentioned conifers.. i really saw them as "trees that looked like the Christmas tree". i'm no child genius, and i'm not some ridiculous madman. but i wld have had rabbits. hahaha.. with a jack Russell? lol.. dunno. but a great hutch.. and a patch on a gentle slope. a kind of hillside. hahahahahha... now i think abt it.. how wld there be a hill so conveniently and horribly near to the coast itself? hm... haha. okae.. nevermind. yeesh, i typed a lot of crap. but what i wanted to say(i think. after typing so much...) was... that book made me remember times i tried to forget before. cause it really felt weird. the people i knew.. haha.. they were either Singaporeans, born and bred, completely and utterly, or they were these horribly cool dude and dudettes that like, totally grew up in the US or aussie or something, that came back as teens... haha.. dunno why i thot like that. but it just made me feel weird. okae... digressing. but that book helped me remember when i actually dreamed purely cause that was what i wanted. for no other reason... that was what i had wanted.. haha... okae. nvmind. but now.. as Paul said.. as a child, i spoke as a child, thought as a child.. now as a man, i put away childish things... haha... okae. a man. anyways... childish, but not child-like... i guess you could say i was forced to think: what do i really want now? with this life, that i know, erm, considerably better now? with this world that i am now familiar with? i wld like to side with philosophers who say, forget the limitations of the world, just know what you want and go for it regardless of what the world seems to tell you... but seriously... there are always hard and fast limitations. like... i wld never have had the chance to own the place of my dreams unless i worked for many year, and wasted my childhood.. as from that book, i realized that tt wasn't all... after having another job, other commitments... there were talents i wld be forced to gain in order to achieve my dream. i might get.. attached to my newfound talents. familiar with the things i have been doing so long, i might be afraid to venture out and truly fulfil my dream.. i might even, like the crystal salesman, no longer want to fulfil my dream. just to dream. i don't want to become like that guy. i want to keep dreaming... but someday, i will fulfil my dream. cause my dream is not a destination.. it's a process. my dream is to live my life in a certain way... which i think i won't elaborate now... lol. like, wow, look how much i've typed... lol. kae... right now u might have two reactions lah. like, finally... or, aw dang. why stop at this part. haha.. why did i say tt. hm no idea. if you actually made it this far, i shld be quite happy right? hahaha... yea... just want to say... share something tt i think i've learnt, generally, through this short span of time through which after much thought, i think i've found myself, and what i have to do. you have to keep dreaming. or you'll never have any dreams to come true. 8:44 pm |