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Monday, July 07, 2008

compose yourself •

i think at the end of it all i still need some clean clear time to think about this all, and sort all these things out into their own places - but there just isn't this sort of luxury now, won't be until, well, it doesn't matter anymore. trying to lay it out here just makes me more aware of how messed up things are..

living life as if it's supposed to play itself out like a serial is all very nice and all, with the self-indulgence and the memorable parts of it all where things click and stick, and when the good times roll, everything just feels like they're in their places.. but in the long run things go up and down huh? i should just try to make it feel like things are smoothing out again, and hey maybe they'll oblige. it could happen.

just need to be serious about doing stuff.. some things, in the back of my mind i knew i'll never forget, and it may have taken a while to realize how much things mean to a guy and to come to comfortable terms with reality. but maybe with some things, i've just got to be more hardhanded, huh? i don't know what to do, damn i really don't know what to do, but i better darn well get serious about whatever i AM going to do, and there's the only option, right there, quit moping around waiting for the devil already.

sometimes it's hard to live things out properly, since things started falling down or i don't know what started it all, i can be freaking immature about stuff and just get too comfortable behaving in ways that i really shouldn't be comfortable with, would never have been if not for- well circumstances, i can blame them for everyone else's stuff but can i blame it for my stuff. i don't know! i think i need to make more conscious effort once again to be the person i want to be. i'd let myself fall apart far too much and forget to pull it together when the heat dried up.

wake up, kid. by all counts architecture is the only thing that's left. people are illusive, people are too simple or too far away, people only want so much or they get what they want and come and go. every time i try to settle the problems of today i keep ending up feeling so alone. what a screwball, huh. well, i have my days.

it's all still a pretty drama i guess. days when things were technically more complicated, more stuff was going on, more places to go and see, life was just so in line and *snap* alright. now with nothing left on my platter, people just, really get to me. maybe the key was having just such few people who counted, and really taking it all the way.
how do i make that happen again, hm.
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9:34 pm