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Thursday, May 22, 2008
pocketbook scribbling •
i don't know why i bring up certain things, things that well, for a good reason i choose to erase from my memory. there's a reason why strong drink often makes a man forget what he did when he was drunk, after all. oh well, maybe it's some sort of retarded arrogance, what the hell are you trying to show off man, that you've had experience being more of a retard than the other guys?SAT results back, i did abysmally. it really does feel like breaking up through sms, how you click a link and there's your answer from a load of colleges right there. i know i didn't really prepare, but oh well sigh. so much for all that, mr. ng was even talking to us about college stuff and all that today, he really can get a guy comfortable talking about these stuff when he's given the time and gets down to it, lol. i asked him about cornell and how i really hoped to study architecture there and he went, almost briskly, lightly and frivolously, oh! our students seem to do quite well with their admissions officers, those who apply are generally accepted. well. perhaps it's a test of how much i want it, haha. in the end i suppose all such things are idealizations based on what we can imagine and what we hope for, but i'd bet on them, since there's not much more to work on, i won't be able to go and see, duh. and well, reputation precedes them, so whatever. at this kind of time it's depressing to think about such things, even though when you really consider it the fact is we'll have to begin to handle these things seriously only in a few months time. anyway, what's at hand is our competition tour, and i have only one small prayer for trip, really. better that one's fears not be shared, so shush, haha. flu-thing is mostly cleared up, i do believe i'll be in perfect shape just as the plane takes off. or i hope, but i'm fit to sing my best, haha. now it's a matter of getting into top gear, fine-tuning all the equipment. sigh i wish i had a better recorder. do i sound like that! life has been trying, as usual. in flashbacks: i'm an absolutely horrible student to mr chia, sigh. i have no excuses, i just really suck, i should drop h1 but! i don't want to! oh gosh how do i work on solidifying my three core subjects, researching and studying for my thesis and KI, and spend all the time and passion i want to on art. i need a time machine, but well isn't this complaint all tired and worn out already from being used by people all over the world. people have been trying, i've been trying, i don't know! how have i been affecting people, how do i stop being something detrimental when so often some part of me just isn't interested in thinking about that. i appreciate that when i come right out and ask mr lee what it is about me that bothers him he can come right out and just say it too. i'm tired and tired of inadequate communication, if we're all equally mature individuals can't we just accept one another and work from there to better ourselves as we deem fit, to make ourselves easier to be loved. also i'm tired of backstabbing and well i don't know, that's too harsh a thing to call it! and and and come on.. when i ask questions, i'm not trying to challenge you! i'm trying to get a better understanding of what's going through your mind and heart so that i can make better decisions on how to think and feel myself. don't you think, just maybe it's something about you that's making you so defensive, nobody's accusing or judging you yet. and it well, shows, folks' worldviews, what is so surprising about talent and effort spent to develop a passion that's been kept under wraps because a person decides not only to be humble but to be actively so. perhaps all the surprise at a person's capabilities is because you yourself think too much of yourselves. sigh gosh this is so snippish. i begin to understand the stuckness of my psychological state. so many situations i'm caught in between emotions and beliefs and stands, i'm not angry i'm not hurt, i'm not confident i'm not humble, i'm not unconcerned i'm not desperate to get close, i'm not sorry for the distance i'm not happy about what's working out. what is with all this. i want to go back, then stop timeeee. nobody here will have anything to do with love it seems, at least as of now. i'm listening to old music again. really old. old as us. 11:09 pm Tuesday, May 20, 2008
dragonfly's wings •
Taking for granted (taking for granted) ... all of her smiles That got away so much for breaking the continuity of the tedium of life we're back in the emotional poverty cycle, the most exact description of vocalizing these days must have been that one; a day-time psychiatric nightmare. not vocalizing itself though, of course. somehow i've begun to sing with more heart, maybe something broke i bought an music player i'm in medium-major debt once again somehow i don't care for now. i'll get a job or something, i'll eat flowers and thoughts of her breath, i'll draw trees and trees, and trees and forests on your paper journal i'll see you soon, come back from ! what am i? am i a liability, am i a jerk, am i a problem that needs managing with human resource and thoughtful thoughts and placing, how do i articulate the separation, the link that seems to you to be enough, but i see plainly isn't there, we don't voice-dance in the hall before the lecture theater, we don't play anything meaningful on that stage. this is a psychiatric nightmare, i'll have to try harder to be a better person, or even the person i was though there's no escape and no soft refuge when people begin to cry only an day and a half after singing ! this is no time to be discouraged, we're all afraid, this was when we needed the ties of touch and breath and simple, speaking words on our lips i've forgotten what we were singing about, i'm singing about crying out and about things that aren't there oh, great and marvelous are your ways! Lord God Almighty let me stand on the rock, where - oh, great mystery. light, light warm - and heavy, pure pure, as if gold they sing and prophesy! dry your eyes, they chill the body but not the soul, if i can help it at all, if i can help it at all. If you find yourself here on my side of town I'd pray that you'd come to my door Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about Cause I don't remember anymore I just know that she warms my heart And knows what all my imperfections are And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar i'm tired, for what people are talking about and that somehow for some reason i had to come to know of it, i don't know. and we'll all have to go at it even more, i'm helpless i'll just weaken myself and sing my soul one last time with us children. i'm sorry! but for all i've done i'm sorry too that you've to be so sure that you're right and well, maybe you can take the time to tell me what and who i am and why i do what i do, as you seem so sure of, when i sing i seem to forget exactly. and maybe i'd ask to know all about you before you decide to walk away and i'll close something that never became more than acquaintance, you can ask a better friend of mine and a closer friend to you why i can't handle you or you or you i'm coarser than i thought, and i'll ask you about you and me and maybe you'll answer me for a while so that maybe i'll ask you early on a polish morning on the porch of a small town motel after we've missed the sunrise, gosh it must have been on purpose, wasn't it. it must have been. 8:45 pm Thursday, May 15, 2008
quoth the raven •
hello. it's been a vapidsort of week. people falling in and out of love, doing incomprehensible things. wondering about life and themselves, doing tutorials, singing songs. i'm in need of a new hobby because i'm done with all the tutorials i'm supposed to be doing, except for physics, which i intend to dedicate the tour to. and art, which i will do to- morrow, and so forth. so much for big decisions to become a lifeless mugger made at the start of 2007 i'm bored and i haven't even started properly. i'm browsing online, possible subscriptions to architecture magazines and such. the problem is they're quite costly, and a good number of nice ones aren't available locally, i think. i left school earlier today on impulse and - other feelings, to distract me from aksjdfhlaother things i'm planning on giving up on cooking, i swear it's impossible to explore without dedicating your life and soul. not that i cook anyway. just produce edible, passable stuffs carelessly. haven't had chest pains for two weeks now, so i'm taking it as a good sign and training again. illness is passing, just need to clear my sinuses; i think i'll be back into healthy singing form next next rehearsal latest. that's good, i guess. "'tisn't fair!" i swear it's not worth being homey and unexciting no-one appreciates the peaceable, and annoying boys who take the effort to play it gayish and please the girls in the weirdest ways, make me tired after i've cooled it. ah whatever really. what i need is something fresh something that will keep me occupied but open to the people whom i seek now, but are occupied or silently hidden, good grief i don't think i can take this much longer. no, EVERYTHING you speak of is cliché, it is so to me, and your lack of charity makes for no possible conversation nor engagement with you with me. no, it's just me, i'm sheltered, since i came out of childhood i'd never been made to be accustomed to have to find a way to connect intimately with people with no wonder nor compassion. no, wait it's just that the world is made so we don't connect. oh well ! this is so uppity. i could set myself on fire now. gah bah why am i singing this game has been drawn out too long it's really really tiring sitting in the same room as you all will someone open the door and offer to go for a walk. 8:09 pm Tuesday, May 13, 2008
de significância •
i wish i had the courage to step uninvited into your schedule where i need to be and: if you hadn't told me otherwise, nothing would have made me doubt for a second that you were the wonder-ful person who wrote those words. Lord, i owe you so much though often feel so little, for what you have given i'd run for the scrap of paper in my jacket where i've jotted down phrases that reminded me of you, just because they'd be the sort of meaningless pretty pieces of the language that i'd blurt out to you when we're walking arm in arm down the street, then ask you later, what on earth was that i did utter? as down the concrete hallway he trod, you could hear the sound of the kneading of his heels into the earth, "i do love your tempered womanliness, he murmured. learning further in: and i do fear i love you more for the parsimony with which you choose to so behave; with a light laugh - isn't is precious how we speak so in vaulted whisper? how cloyingly paltered, like the things we paint gaily in conversation, with distaste " we've only just begun, to live i'm slowly falling in love with bossa all over again (not that i ever fell out, it just sort of felt like unfaithfulness, willing yet technically blameless) this afternoon i walked back with cold sweat and feeling pretty queasy, but i decided to just go ahead with the plan; changed and washed to get clean into a new frame of mind like i've come to like doing put the stereo under the bed onto track seven and - in warmth that could only be called so for the artificial cold lay flat, clutching the sheets and cotton from beneath i got up at the end of the compilation and got on with life and that's how music has a coarse, comforting sort of touch on me. perhaps it's a sign. the discourse on beauty today reminded me of something; of how though we find it hard to know what is art, we hardly find it as difficult to call things art, airily. so if art is meant to represent, perhaps it is not so important what things represent, but that things represent important things to us. as reminders of affections we attach to metaphors for the bits of the fabric of life. and so perhaps it's not so important what is or isn't a sign, but that we are reminded of something important from time to time, through our way of living. for so often we might say, oh! is this what you signify when you did such and such an action, but the reply comes as, why no, i didn't mean anything at all. the value of the lesson learned is inherent, whether or not there actually is a teacher; life is the teacher for us, whether we actively pay attention and pick them out wherever we are given to so do, then ask relevant questions through our responses to the twists that she gives, that is more important, perhaps. so maybe she gives the beautiful answers to questions about life, only then. we've only just begun! to live our life in singing isn't coming to an end, friend. our education(in song) has just begun, and life will keep teaching us about voices and music through our lives, whether one becomes a maestro or a mother, and the true singing is the gentle road of living a life of song. not ending, or beginning to sing. only, the gaussian-ed crescents of our voices in song wafting our hearts into the time-weathered skies over the homes of the people whom we will and do love 6:46 pm Monday, May 12, 2008
On Chesil Beach •
i had written a suitably classy-upped two paragraphs to comment on the book, but rereading gave me one of those horribly tepid feelings, of disgust. i'll be quite plain, i hope. the entire writing constantly reminded me of dissimilarities, of course i cannot but help to draw comparison, haha. one thing that struck me however was how they too had realized how chance the meeting was, and how remarkable. i'd begun to wonder if anyone else has felt this way; then the entire consciousness slipped into foolish revelation; of course. how unremarkable. but! to not appear unsophisticated in reading(that of course was not the center of the text for me) i'll go on. well. there's not much that is impersonal to say, with the sort of writing it is. but the one thing it did was keep me up and down on the flow of the words between the two protagonists, and on how their unrestraint was every bit as devastating as their silence. of course, it is a central issue to pursuing this sort of life; life with another. the thing at play here is the circumstances under which i read, which are complicated as that three hour scene in less than an inch of pages, if that is possible at all. hm. no, it is not, actually. their lives are more complicated than they themselves, it is a product of an unhappy uncommunicativeness with those whom they love. we love. whilst people speak always of treasuring our time, building up precious moments, i wonder only now if i'm doing the right thing, trying to drink in the present and be glad in the Lord, now. trying to give up living on memories; and it is working at the same time as it is not. i do not think i live on memories anymore, but i keep a face in mind, of course. gosh, i suddenly felt confessional for a moment there. anyway. i do not live on the present yet either; packing my suit back into the wardrobe i fell back onto the carpet and stared onto the mended ceiling-fault i am living each moment to the fullest. am i, then. it feels empty, maybe because i am not really, yet? it feels like i am living on nothing. how does that work? hm. i may regret saying this, or this will have no effect whatsoever, but i wish that something would irrevocably be thrust upon me and force me to make some decision that would actually mean something. in any sense at all. the book is incidentally, like bread and marmalade to me; the wholemeal which is not coarse bread and therefore obviously high-bred, but- the citrus which is sharp and tangy, as it should be, but- in its entirety something that is quite generally not a taste i appreciate. it is a somewhat complex yet distilled course of experience, yet disagrees intricately with my palate; it's quite beyond description, i'm hopelessly inapt haha. either way, in conclusion i would boldly say that the crux of the difference lay in that we were not so tightly dedicated and chaste in our thoughts and passions; we loved every part of the world with complete and combined fervor; that is how i will recall it. and because of that, any miscommunication must not be irrevocable and we must forever be just as sensitive to one another's shifts in thought and feeling, right up till the moment when we are not there to sense it. 12:14 am Saturday, May 10, 2008
verse twenty-eleven •
week has been crazy, i see huilin around like the world actually is a small place, but oh well. i'm not a good enough person to have the energy to treasure with all that heart every moment and person with that sort of intensity, yet. we keep growing. i'm sort of sick now but this is one of those times i've decided to man it and slowly run it dry, rather than knocking myself out for two days and getting back into top form. i didn't want to miss a moment of it all. the music can be devastating to your body as it can be to your heart mind and soul, what do you know, eh. it's 17 days till competition tour! i do think i'll thoroughly soak in as much of chorale as i can in this time. by no means will chorale be the end of my affair with singing, but there's just a lot of unspoken unresolvedness, in my heart anyway. i don't know if i'm man enough to resolve them, but the fact is that time waits for no-one, and people leave. i don't know what to say or do about that, really, haha. i'll do my best? or not so.. or that inadequacy is a fundamental state, outside of my control to address. i wish it otherwise, anyway. i wish that things had turned out so much different, that i was a different man, sometimes. that i might have things some other more desirous way, from this perspective anyway. not really thinking straight, haven't been for a while(you can't really blame me, i'm some sort of quaternary transition ion that can't be isolated! noo) but what the hell. the bottom line is that when i do think i'm thinking straight, i can't imagine anything that i can see now comparing to what we had then, and 60 months and counting down the road i don't think i can reconcile myself with anyone just yet, not with a clear conscience. die Umarmungen du gab, dass so entwaffnet mich, wenn auch nicht zu mir, obwohl Ich hätte es so, sie füllte mich mit solchen nackt Sehnsucht nach jenem Augenblick, dann den Rest des Abends, damit ich kann keine Ruhe. 9:09 pm Wednesday, May 07, 2008
five hundred thousand lilies •
i'm pretty darn tired but hey i don't want to go offline to sleepwhat with everyone still here despite getting home at like 0100 concert was pretty darn good all in all i think. so much for discussions of which bits were good and which weren't so much i say it was damn good. every screw-up and every millisecond of locking into the sound, i think i'll remember for a long time, how we sang, as we walked off the stage: Great and Marvelous are Your Deeds! Lord God Almighty! since we're trying to feel, i'd try a different way now. i felt humbled by what He's done with us, little prayers backstage and in a quiet corner of the changing room, such beautiful music given to us. i'd like to believe we've given it back, back to Him and made our souls richer for the love we've shared. i'd say we've done good (: subconsciously i'd began to think about what i'd been feeling, so many people to think about, so many un-usual feelings to expect. ah well, reflection can come tomorrow, heh. i'll hit the sheets, five hundred thousand lilies planted in my soul five hundred thousand lilies golden white to make me whole fenced-in fields o'er the by and by satin buds they live and die through sleepless nights they've come to lie upon my heart for since the streams of life must part and every raindrop bends, breaks, heals and imparts a gentle brush upon their tender flesh besides i'll sing a song and move along touch your face then swell the throng five hundred thousand lilies in my parted heart belong 1:39 am Friday, May 02, 2008
blam! floodlights •
 do you know, my heart skips a beat when you speak about confidence- what kind? i'd like to ask, but any-way we're still sashaying around one another from day to glorious day i am immensely unprepared for the SATs tomorrow. if somehow i end up in a American university i swear my peers will murder me for how little i've spent on getting ready for this and getting in besides, haha. but whether or not that may happen.. is another cloud of thought altogether. i'm doing fractions of tests on and offline right now, should really print the admissions slip soon. these have been busy days, busy busy weeks but i don't even really recall where they went. i do think it's time to snap out of unfeeling-ness, at whatever risk. i'm sick of being blank, hahahahah, so help me. mostly i've been immensely tired from chorale. there have been a few more good moments, though sometimes it still seems like people can't feel and sing at the same time. furthermore i've pinpointed/been shown precisely where+how my technique needs improving, so i have Renewed Sense of Purpose when it comes to singing (: have been working on it. but oh well times is short these days, i'll get to it once this rush period of a week and a half is over. i do have a sense of how i've slowly developed vocally over these years of choral music, and well. i guess i don't regret it, staying through. it's never been for nothing, and there are always good times and bad times, (however disproportionate it seems all depends on your expectations, doesn't it). i promise never to stop expecting more, expecting something even more picturesquely beautiful. events coming up are i) SAT Reasoning Test tomorrow, ii)chorale concert, iii) trip, iv) CT2s, v)Singapore Garden Festival + Art Festival, vi)superhardcorefulltime mugging. which really should begin earlier. i'm listing them over and over to myself. also, knowledge and inquiry independent study thesis architecture admissions portfolio university research(to be done!) also, vocal lessons getting back into top form golf, squash, basketball, frisbee language course if necessary getting a job taking the effort to clean up and be proper. and i don't know. ice skating? i thought i wanted to, and not just for that, but they say i'm too old and i have to agree hahahhahaa whatever man. oh and i need to go spend money on clothes after concert i swear i have too many t-shirts, people keep giving them to me. this is like one of- how many? psyche ups into the game of life, which has to happen when you're at the sign-ups. i'm just.. taking it a step early and doing it during the pre-match games, i guess. might as well make the most of it and take it as a practice for the real one, even though it's a completely different ball game. because after you grow up, you can't say, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, as easily anymore. we are going to win this together. 9:56 pm |