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danne |
Monday, March 03, 2008
when will we realize? •
 i'm beginning to understand.. that a lot of the things we talk about in life, won't be accomplished, just like that(snaps fingers). it's not that i thought it would be easy, and it's not that i didn't appreciate that the beauty of life is the walk, not the door at then end. it's just that.. too many times, i think, i keep saying things as if i can do them. as if i can make them come true, somehow, just by believing it. the thing is, a lot of these stuff can't just be done, just like that.. it really takes time, and effort, and not just by any single person. and i believe i haven't been doing enough.. it's just that, augh. i keep saying that, but something is just wrong. i won't say i don't want to be held back, because i'm not really being held back! i mean, augh. well, imagine what i'd mean in a way that makes sense, that'd be it. it's the whole part of your past experiences thing. it's something that i'd keep with me. and with past as the keyword, i cannot but come to terms with how it takes as much time as it does. and yet, i don't want to do the wrong things, with what i have now. i've fouled up something that meant a lot to me already, call it misfortune or sheer idiocy. i probably just aren't able to see it now, as i wasn't before, but i don't want to do it again. you have no idea how i don't want to. that's why i have to constantly make now the most important thing, if only i can. yet, i want to go back to living life properly, like, now. i want to live life so that if i realized i had only (number) days to live, or hours, i wouldn't live them out in an unusual way at all. just as i always would. my gran turns 73 today.. she looked really happy yesterday at the dinner, so many 孙儿女 crowded about her and in her lap, it's not hard to understand why our ancestors liked to have large families, hahhah.. i realize that i'd have a lot of things to say to people, and time needed to be spent, if it came to that anytime soon at all - and it makes me unsettled. not counting "i love you", because somehow that's something that can never be said enough, but just doesn't mean anything unless you can say/do something more. i'd be inclined to say that at one's deathbed, it's appropriate that that's the only thing left to be said to anyone at all, haha. well, what's up with this sort of musing, eh. sigh. i don't really know, honestly. it feels like i'd completed a designated part of my course and, given a moment's respite, had a shocking cold shower and then such a steaming one to melt all the tension away, and come out drying my hair, rested. but then it suddenly seems that it didn't really happen, and it feels like it wouldn't have made much of a difference if i'd been made to continue walking towards the next stop for a rest instead. like the shower was only good while it lasted, and wait- did it even? when was it? what was it? oh, right. it never came. 8:13 pm |