| archives connections journal |
 recently
|
please leave a message, after the post. |
archives
|
the continuous chain
danne |
Friday, November 30, 2007
isn't it. •
i don't know what you or anyone expects, but.. some things are personal, and sometimes i can't and won't say stuff. yes, expectations are high, but what's given is just as precious.. it's a willing sacrifice, with risks and no deductible.i really miss the way things were, in more ways than one, feel it for more than one period of time. i want to move, but i'm not, and there's nowhere to go anyway. yeah, actually the point is i don't know what to say, and i can't tell you anything anymore. actually, i don't think i ever really could, it was just stupidity and impulsiveness and no-one else. pretty sad case. the problem is, it's all about seeing what you want to see. i'm in love with an idea, the product of wishful thinking, and when a guy considers the illusions unveiled he wonders if those pretty pictures passed over were actually for real. there is a point of no return, isn't there. no turning backwards, no second chances. it just sickens me to see how everything is so interlinked, and how the universe can be a hypocrite. i'm not going to make the same mistake twice though. i know what i stand for, though i may not have a clue where this is all leading, and i've no choice really, have i. there can be no receiving if there's no giving, and there can be no giving if there's no-one to receive. i can sing, though.. ai zai na li? fine. maybe.. for now, ai zai xin li. haha. you look cold. sound cold. feel cold. whatever happened to that project, warmth. help me to move on to something new. 11:44 pm Wednesday, November 28, 2007
like a pine cone •
this really is pretty sad, but i don't really have much motivation to do anything these days. when i find myself actually doing something, it's usually cause i'm out there anyway and there isn't anything else i would rather be doing, or i just randomly have the craving for some feeling, to experience some state of mind and body, to be somewhere and think about something. it's just spur of the moment, and when the prick is gone i'm sleeping like a manhole cover on a Manhattan sidewalk dreaming about berlin and rustic houses that don't reek of old man with no family and friends-i find myself lying face up on the floor in the middle of the room thinking about things you don't want to, pick up Le Corbusier and the Reader's Digest just to be doing something other than that, something which doesn't really require any thinking or commitment or guilt about things past or future besides, but before you know it i'm asleep on fuzzy browns till three, isn't a beautiful thing to have had early mornings? i still feel a little guilty napping for those two hours though, it's not like i did anything useful. not that i have at all anyway, for a long time now.. realizing i'm not good at committing, what with the always looking for something fresher and more beautiful, can you keep up? 이유리, multiple personalities isn't such a bad thing, i think. values are values, but things don't have to be dull. true diversity's hard to find.. perhaps the bad thing is that shifts aren't always picked up immediately, even by the closest of friends. can you keep up? subliminal messages and unconscious influences in our actions and choices, does this face look familiar to you? i'm not saying i can help it, the truth is that i don't think i dare commit again unless i'm dead sure in so many ways, or it's just a fling. this is so not going to work out. but times are a changin', the 6th page of the papers read: Dylan scares schoolchildren by singing while waiting to pick up grandkid. haha.. isn't it kinda sad. somehow i can't think about anything else for more than ten minutes. cookies and milk at one in the morning are an attempt to make it all feel alright again, traditions keep, for some reason. it's just to draw the feeling out, and also cause i'm hungry and pasta burns fast. also, getting fat and not caring. in five and twenty.. * * * i call it the midlife crisis of the new millennia, because while elder sis is flying away and caring for two-year-olds, i find i'm the one who's lost his direction. the most important things in life have lost their urgency because of some genial yet somehow condescending belittlement that makes no sense to me at all.. how is anyone falling for this, how am i. it's not just the closeness and care that i'm missing, it's the meaning that it gave to me and to life, to the things that we did, whatever they were, whoever they involved. please bless the ones we love, and help us to do thy will. amen. 12:06 am Saturday, November 24, 2007
when you find the one, •
hello, whoever's there. it's been a while, because somehow i've been busy doing things. a few useful things, a number of incredibly stupid things. and a number of ok stuff that's been good. november's coming to an end.. i suppose it has been good.have to say though, there are a good number of things that i wish i had done better. i said i'd study like crap, but duh i haven't really been.. have been catching up though, and well i say i plan to double triple quadruple in the month to come, but.. things happen, commitments busy blah. there are like a million things that i was supposed to do. that i haven't done for people. i sort of know where this started, now that i think about it..and it really stinks. this is why i can't let myself slacken anytime, but just to digress and give excuses, it's not and has never been easy alone. i'm not going to list them out for myself here, but i know.. things that i owe people, things that i owe myself to do. but more importantly owe people i guess. but well, this month has been fairly brainless now that i think about it. basically have been in this sort of emergency freeze mode or something, i don't know what went wrong when to trigger it, but i do know that when i start trying to think about it, everything just.. augh. can't explain it. it's that sort of fuzzy crushing feeling that i got from that childhood nightmare that kept coming over and over.. to tell the truth, i'm still locked up in that shutdown. things haven't been going well, in my eyes anyway, and well i've just left myself hanging. come right down to it, i've basically been acting like nothing was wrong and ignoring the problems, it seems. been just studying without thinking about it, reading all sorts of weird architecture stuff just to fill my head with something to try to make it feel better. but yeah, you know how it turns out. the thing is, a lot of people just don't realize that to know the problems is one thing, and to know how to fix them is another altogether.. makes me wish for that big pencil that guy from that game had and to use the giant eraser on the end to rub out all these things.. one big issue is this, i suppose: i can see the next few years, these really really important years, important to me. i really wish things can turn out certain ways, not because of anyone or anything else. but these things don't just happen.. people have to make them happen, and i'm really not strong enough to pick up the pieces and start fitting them together properly. i don't even know which pieces belong in this puzzle.. but i do know what it's supposed to look like, and i know that things have seldom worked out for long in the past, if at all. and well, my mind is flitting, but i haven't been true to myself and a lot of people i suppose. i've been thinking too much about how i envisioned things, and tried too hard to connect with people. just haven't been myself, really been out of sorts.. choir, chorale has always made me very, very tired in that sort of way. the last one or two times i don't know what this feeling is anymore. maybe i'm being brought to my senses, maybe i'm quitting trying to do things and just going to let them happen if they're meant to be.. because i'm finally accepting that i can't do things..? sigh. the truth is, i treasure a lot of things, and a lot of these things aren't physical. i know i envision things to be better than a lot of people would, so in the end different goals means we get to neither or we get there alone, and there's no point in that for me. i know a lot of times i see people to be better than they actually are, but that's just how the pieces fall into place for me. at the end of it all, if things go well i just want to be happy with someone, and well, if things don't go so well i'd settle for being alone knowing certain people are happy. maybe i had to be tired out till i couldn't do anything more before i let go and let God, and just went back to just being the best me i could be. i would love people more than anything heaven can promise, but sometimes i don't, because it's painful sometimes, the way things turn out. and when i get mad, i know inside that i'm actually angry with myself. time is really short, you know. i'd like very much for everything to be settled in ten years time. it's too tiring, and i don't think i can keep up with this sort of game for too long.. i keep losing sight of what's really important to me, and already once this foolishness has taken happiness away. it never had a second chance to take it away.. for all the wrong reasons. in this kind of situation, all i can say to anyone who might wonder in any way(and i know i'm not very personally approachable to some people) is well, hold on tighter than i did. 11:12 pm Friday, November 16, 2007
such a young, happy family •
 wish i could draw like that.do stars have dimmers? 8:51 pm Sunday, November 11, 2007
i would. •
i'd be gone real quick, and so would we all. the paperbacks are piling up and the smoke isn't from candles or last year's issues burning. can a cardboard box? if a tin can. rainbow chains of paper cranes take far too long to fold, the wishes i make are so hopelessly worded, we'll never get this scene right, not till never.in two years my dad will be gone for three, off to see the US of A, i'll be enlisted in the army, then it's on to university. david'll be a littler kid brother, and it'll be forever till we see each other; who cares? it's only fair, nobody even bothers while we're all here, jobs and friends could matter more, what can i do now? is it worth trying to make these years count, what is with the obsession of starting afresh. can a guy really say, since i can't go deep, i'll just try for far and wide. tip me to one side or the other if you care in the least, friend or less, whatever stands between us. when is love worth fighting for? this is the last flight to blood over water, choose or dye between dysfunctional and unable to reject though so richly deserved -no, that hasn't even been thought through, the paperweights cover more than prints, move like kings and queens on the chessboard of the ocean of failed, bugged programming and winesy dressers. seize it because it's worth it, or try it because there's nothing to lose, or just go and spare yourself the pain. choose for me, ivy. russian roulette never seemed such an easy gamble. responsibility falls to your fancy ruffled collar, all your satin and silk and fair white frill could do naught but nick off another chip and send me reeling. first mates don't always rise willingly, what if the baker was happy being stupid and innocent in his little town, to marry the miller's daughter? there's work to be done, and it sure as codfish isn't going to do itself, or we'd be halfway to pluto and about the belt, the even balloons don't inflate themselves in space. i'm not some sort of supercapable genius. pray do, do let me live normal.. because just because you can imagine things doesn't mean i can build them for you in two minutes, the fire of the heart and mind is all but that powerful, and when people don't talk -sit down and talk properly, arm over shoulder brother to brother to sister, i can't make small talk on the bus at eight when i'm neither high nor enamored. yes, would be, body language should say so much, but only if you're reading. i could all but say, 还是姐弟关系好, the hope's still there, cause i'm too blinded by desire. sigh. it's true. every time we go, the candle goes out faster now. there's no pretense, girls and boys. i'm not up to this. i'd ask to be held, but the nib's broken and my voice is gone. what's there left to sing for? too many internal conflicts, external disappointments. i'm disappointed in what i believed in, because it was too little to compensate for how it turns out. i'm serious when i say, who can spark the fire? no one man, friends(for lack of another word). no man can do it alone. i don't miss the escapades: i miss the support and care i got. i think i only really just realized that. all i can say is, emotional weather was stormy sea enough to tilt my charts off course and send my marbles spinning even before this sort of love came into the doodleboard. i do need this kind of questioning, but i really don't think i can handle it now, alone, bonnie. catch my sails and take me to that calm stretch now, i'm torn to enough little tiny pieces to say, i can only worry about love lost when eternity's already begun. i'm too tired from nothing now. 11:20 pm Wednesday, November 07, 2007
no, no no no •
 this is the way puddles grow anyway. rain comes and goes, but inside is personal, nobody sees it there. people find ways to take the meaning away from things you love, the training curve is up then maximum then dip. whatever. little boys pick up the smoothest, flattest stones only to skip them away across the surface of what's calm and both passionate and uncaring, plink pink pink pink plonk. how far will you go. and i've really never met anyone as shallow as you before. should we still meet for coffee and cream on tuesday by the eiffel? this is friedemann saying, back off! suddenly so many friends saying they decided they want to do architecture in the future, agrhh i'm giving it too much positive advertisement, later all you frikkin pro people will kope my potential places in uni/jobs! nooooooo..! time to show the boring side of it..? hahhaha.. just kidding. but really, imagine friends from school going into different parts of the same industry and working together on stuff. would be awesome.. bah this sucks. have i mentioned it. people are bloody insensitive and unappreciative. woohoo tickle me emo, yeah i'm semi-high on oatmeal, it's my long-lost midnight drink-snack. except it's not midnight yet. i realized that fringe is damn emo-ish. so time to think of something new. darn. and now for something completely different. living in a daze of emotions and issues and things that need contemplation, sorry please hold the line is busy the singtel mobile customer you have reached is not available please try again later. thursday and the day after will be a little while to gather myself together again perhaps. school is short.. gonna milk the rest of these days for all they're worth, every moment in this uniform, haha. 10:28 pm Tuesday, November 06, 2007
you never really know what's going on •
i'm a happy sort of guy. i like to laugh, and joke around, and make other people laugh, but there are just some things that have this predisposition to get me really pissed off.. and yeah, i know it's me. relativism and all that. but i'm done trying to accommodate here, as much as i'd love to be a part of it all. this is just beyond me. i'll have to refrain from comment.crazy days, crazy days. got to school early this morning, was supposed to run but late night and light rain made me lazy, so i koped a classroom on the fifth floor and read on green design and marketing for architecture. the first opened up a few new ideas.. i'd always thought the structure's design should be to minimize impact and cost of HVAC and lighting, but didn't realize it was such a big international project. and the second was just boring.. in the end i got bored until started trying to get comfy to catch some shuteye cause of late night before, but after like 45 min the guard came to lock up the room just before 9am, goodness knows why such a weird time. so went down to find yuhyiing, then went to bum around lt2 for a few minutes before going for CIP. other than that, today was pretty much waste of time.. lunch took forever for certain reasons, so got back super late unforch. at least got some stuff done after that, then junda suddenly suggested going to shoot some hoops and shanhui was there, so played for an hour plus. surprisingly after like 2-3 years of not practicing i've still got it, sort of, haha.. handling is damn off, but shooting is just cause of lack of practice i think, hehh. felt good, even though we three never really got to know one another after those two years.. made those hours ploughing through old books that made me sneeze(but were actually pretty interesting, some anyway) feel significant, haha. yeah, actually i don't really see the connection either, but whatever, lol. well, there are more basketball than squash courts in singapore. if nobody will play frisbee with me i really don't mind going back basketball crazy like those days, provided there's the right crowd to play with, hahhaha tomorrow long day too. gonna see if i can run in the morning to make up for today, then go help out the isle folks for a while, then if we're mostly done maybe go down to whatevertheplaceis where chorale people are playing badminton to watch for a while. after badminton in primary school.. i can never give that sport any respect anymore, unless it's like those national folks who are uber zai, hahaha. oh well. then.. gonna shoot some with me class.. haha, we are funky folks. but i've been blowing a whole lot of money on pool since chinese A levels been over, as a number of people have noted.. so gotta tone it down for a while, go do cheaper stuff, like RAID LIBRARIES. but then again gotta get done with those borrowed first. also, going to see again if i can pick up something special.. been a pain to find. oh for a way to buy stuff online.. yeah, heck load of stuff to do actually. weiren's gonna help me ask if i can join frisbee proper, THANK YOU WEIREN, then shall have to see where that goes, haha. i'm super noob compared to that bunch loh.. but learn, yes hah. so on weds maybe join them, then chorale prac too, then go shoot pool with joseph to unveil his power. darn why shoot so much.. can we go back to playing tennis instead, lol. and of course the multitude of paperwork to be done, and when i mean paperwork i mean all un-fun reading and writing(basically all such things that have nothing to do with architecture). SATs, class CIP planning, jacket/shirt designs for people here and there, arrange that meeting that's to be so important, zz. why can't things just, happen. people are so un-spontaneous. oh well. yeah, that was a lot of blah. all in all, yeah things keep popping up, i'm going to make myself sit down and finish the three tutorials by.. this thursday. yeah ok. hm and well people are people, super fun and super annoying(in an un-fun way), what can i say, people are the world, haha.. even those who don't say anything. you never really know what's going on, about and around and down the line. maybe someone's thinking of you. maybe someone's going to push you over the railing on the seventh floor tomorrow. 12:14 am Friday, November 02, 2007
we're one big bundle of warmth •
 pw is OVER! presentation was freaking awesome, woo! now that it's actually gone for good, realize that it's a little sad in a way, no more ahem productive sessions together, haha.. but has been absolutely awesome working with you guys, great job woohoo! can you tell i love my group, hahhaha.yeah now it's back to the real world, study study mug mug(yeah right) haha but seriously got loads to catch up with. people and stuff and work alike. singing is be the demoralizing.. is the sort of thing i really wish i had someone to just talk to about, hahaha, but oh well things is things, we live as we are. not gonna jabber here. but grah. took the time to raid a few libraries, bishan, jurong, bpp, cck of their architecture stuff, and the more i read and see, the more i realize how pathetic all the stuff i've done up till now really is.. lol there are like a million and one things i'd never stopped to consider in any one project. sigh. now what. read read read. educate self. also, sianying taints my dream profession with her tiny rampaging urban ninjas. meh. back off! hahaha.. darn really got a lot of reading to do. i'm really super noob at all this stuff. architecture, philo.. need to stop randomly doing stuff and self-educate systematically. art too.. for school. and bleargh of course there's math. dammit, i know i can come to terms with this dumb subject. just gotta find and flick the switch.. time really flying by, walking down the same streets in this uniform for who knows how long more, i realize that even whilst doing all these other stuff i'm just not able to find that peace.. sigh. it really bothers me so much more than i'm able to talk about with the people about me right now. i need to be able to sing again. this totally stinks. zz. 10:29 pm Thursday, November 01, 2007
forty things to do before graduating •
as PW draws to a close, begin to realize that we're going to be J2s.. time is really so short.. there's really so much to regret, things that aren't in my hands to do, but sigh no point thinking about it, huh? hmm. things are only going to get even more busy in the year to come, especially for stupid little me, gotta study even harder.. really regret those days in useless little RI now. no more PW, no more forcibly spending time with these people, won't be as close..? haha.. perhaps not.. small class after all. hope not, anyways. Here we are as in olden days,really going into the tougher bit of being sick now.. funny taste and muscle ache and tired.. darn don't share drinks with me, haha. ok never mind.. just hope this gets over soon! i realize that actually i've already got a lot of stuff to do this holidays, like it or not.. sigh now to slot in stuff and plan roughly what to do when. this coming year is going to be such a blur. missed out and failed in so much this year already. well, i know what i'm going to try for now that certain things are out of my hands. other things.. oh hm. had an interesting dream this morning. hm. ahhh. i'm going to sleep. 10:30 pm |