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Sunday, July 29, 2007
•
i'm sorry, i suppose i had better explain myself. there's noone to blame, so i should really just quit being unreasonable, huh. i'll call. also i just thought i'd say, it wasn't cause i was in a bad mood that i wanted you to keep away. it's just that there were big tubes going in and out, blood and stuff coming out all the time, and i was constantly in some pain so i was kinda cranky too. the long and short of it is, it wasn't pretty, and i just didn't want you to see me like that. that's the real why. this post is the victim of multiple editosis. i don't know, there are just so many things that i'm tired of, huhh. maybe i'm just being an arse about it, but i don't understand why our batch is so childish compared to people just two or three years our senior. i don't really care that much about other batches - they know where they are, and we've really in no position to point fingers, it seems. it's all just so, ugh. don't be too surprised if some psycho-analyserama person comes by and figures that i'm into older women. the point is, seriously, there's a very big difference between being yourself and refusing to better yourself. not asking you to emulate anyone. just to know what you believe is good and beautiful and right, and to work to become your own vision of yourself. alright? anyway on a completely separate and ironic note - aww man, my sis has a hot tuition teacher. darn. back to chem with me. 4:25 pm Friday, July 27, 2007
bring them home. •
it really felt great to spend time with family. it's so little, we're so far apart, but it feels like we have the time and opportunity to draw closer, somehow. so i guess it is in some way a small foundation of hope. i just pray that the little things we do can come together to make this an even better story..and then there are always the things that don't give me that sense of security, that you'll be safe and there. so there are questions of what i can, should, must do. or can't. always praying.. then there are things hanging in the air, or are they? either way, i sort of wish i knew, but things will run their course. and there are other things that are just so depressing. only this family could make my heart glad again.. kinda random, but if there's one important thing i've learned from mr. lee this term, it's when he showed me what this commandment that means so much to me, in all that i do, and what it really means; to love thy neighbour as thyself effectively, you must first love yourself.. don't know how i missed it before, but how true. i just want to say, i'm really thankful.. Bless the people whom we love. 11:49 pm Thursday, July 26, 2007
when i see myself •
maybe it's childish, but i don't know how many times i've seen treasure planet. it's just a story that plays out so.. amazingly. it's a tale of how sometimes so much crap happens to us, and how somehow we get out of it and we tend to take it all for granted.. but when the crunch time comes somehow we'll be able to shine and make everyone who's ever cared about us proud, just like we're always trying to do. and it's about real concern, real emotion; just to avoid the word that has so many false implications. it's about someone there for you who believes in you and is there for you, with all their heart and soul, for no real reason - just because they do.really, guys just give too much. when we care, it's the world to us, and there's no other situation where "always on my mind" becomes more true. but on the other hand, the most common subject of our concern is preoccupied with every other thing. not to say that it's not ok, but.. and even when supposedly the feeling is reciprocated. but somehow.. and don't say anything, cause i know it's dumb. if we know, i don't want to go there. it's just that i'm tired. i'm working over-over-overtime, i'm so dumdumdumdumdum, everything just goes in so slow, i can barely keep up, don't even talk about making up for time lost. i can play games, because that what people like us do, but there just has to be an end to it. i really don't think i can keep anything like this up for two years. and then there are other things; if i tried to address it all, i'm fairly certain i'd just implode. it's tempting to find an escape, to play an easier game to distract from this one. one that i'm not really interested in, but hey, means to an end and not an end in itself and all that. the point is, i don't really think i'd want to go there, but i have to say.. it is tempting. just to show you that hey, two can play the insensitivity-yourenotreallyallthat game. but that's dumdumdumdumdum, as usual, coming from this brain. which is why i pray, please, enough games. let me see (). 9:55 pm Friday, July 20, 2007
when i am weak •
your song carries armsfrom what happened today, you can tell i'm losing it. right there in delusion, asking the questions that need to be asked anyway; what if. sometimes we ask too much, sometimes i just avoid. sometimes avoidance seems to be the right way, if you truly want to pursue what you want. too many troubles at once, was always the downfall of a man.. when there's nothing left to fall back on but the one, you have no idea how hard it is not to just say, falling(fall on). past, future, present. all about ideals and potential and dreams and goals and perhaps, overconfidence.. but will you blame a boy for chasing dreams alone? at the same time, it really is hard to be decent. i know that all the selfless-benefits-everyone-but-the-subject and walking-your-own-authentic-path philo, but i know something more important as well, so i try. and i fail not only a few times, i perceive.. but it's so hard. how do you say, we all need somebody, if only one person. and out of love, not duty. it just sickens me further, imagining that possibility that seems so.. possible? sigh. it's just that it's reached a state, after all the stuff crashing down on me and then people, how do i say.. letting me be? abandoning? that i've come to tell myself a new lie, as i do whenever i need to make myself act in ways untrue to a heart that whispers. it's a dual reality. my dream of the future holds, and i believe with all my heart that i will slave and be that person with the people who run alongside to their places; but at the same time i lie to myself when i'm utterly discouraged and alone that, hey, you know that it's not that path that matters but how you walk it - you can come up with a new ideal that is no less beautiful if all fails, because in the end you are the same person walking the path. and i come up with a few to convince myself. then i push it out of my mind so that i am able to work.. i hate you for taking it away, for spoiling it for me, for comforting me with your hand still on the hilt of the blade, and i hate myself for being so selfish and immoral at the same time. but i still do hate you. and at the same time i love you so much, for simply being, thanking God that your souls are, and will be, and i am so blessed with your presence, as simple as that. i can't for the life of my figure why i love people, it's stupid, maybe irrational and sometimes uncalled for, but.. every quirk and tilt, every whisper of breath and sparkle of light. perhaps it's the love of life. and i do love you. perhaps it's the duality that's tearing everything else apart. but most likely not. i honest to truth think that it's just that i perhaps just wasn't meant for this dream.. no, wait. i can't..think. there just isn't an answer.. i can think of a beautiful ideal to happen.. i would never have asked for it before, because i said, there's still much to do before that need happen. it can't turn around and become an additional problem, because that would mean it isn't the picture i'm seeing. but perhaps one does need it. 10:56 pm Tuesday, July 17, 2007
try to be happy. •
 make a mistake, so strip off your cloth and embrace the part of the cold fluid light that is yours, that bites and washes; an artificial shower the contours are imperfect, for that is what makes it our path - there is no bartering, no parley with the devil that gives and takes, even as we all do.. if she takes it away, it is gone forever, and that portion given not unto us is forfeit; our love is forfeit. in reflection we see; in reflections only see we bodies shifting or drifting, not transformed by the things their hearts whisper, as we learn to ignore them whilst the universe gives us armor of faith in humankind.. touch gently glistening smooth steel of roses ripped forth from our own trust; what is the night to children of the light - it is warmth forbid. can you smell the life in leaves and coffee, in skin and felt; a more sensitive touch from a petal claret was never endured. tumbling masses of deep brown; sweet scent, lucent and fair are all that far away from the sinew of boys who walk unattended in their affairs, foolish and proud, oh strident cloud you come and go, you're that sweet breeze, but dear i fear i don't love you anymore- your melodies arms, carry. 10:01 pm Saturday, July 14, 2007
the subject doesn't matter. •
it's one thing to say, try not to think about it. but when it's thrown before you, there's no restraining resent, and when there are distractions i can be happy. so, does it mean that there's no point in trying to do anything at all? at least within.i'm kind of tired of doing things like this, having to bear with things that aren't good enough, not being able to do anything about it. don't take it literally; what i mean is that there are certain ways i wish for things to be, and they aren't. just want to live a picturesque life, right down to every moment, but obviously that's impossible.. because we see things in a certain light that demands stability, results. but perhaps you know what i mean anyway. the rare moments when you play just the person you want to play, in a scene that is just right. not very coherent, i suppose, but you either see it or you don't. perhaps it's naive, but to see yourself playing a certain role, with everything just right, and so moving towards playing that role, in just the scene, for a long term, is a motivator for so much. there are so many troubles, and sometimes it seems that you won't get there the way you expect, or things at the present are just so painful, but there's still some hope that there's a way you'll get to play that part, be that person that you want to be, and somehow you keep moving, and you think you still could do something in this world. at the present it's a multitude of things weighing down, and there's no energy to be anyone. fret over a million things and nothing gets done, and then when the spark catches, full speed just isn't fast enough. you know there are too many assumptions, but you're having trouble handling the things that you know aren't going to work as it is. sometimes you begin to imagine that there's an easier way; but of course you don't dare to try it. over time, it's tiring even to meet new people. tired of rigidity, but nobody's gonna improvise along with you, and we live in a society where results are all that matter. there's no point shifting away from exam-oriented learning; you'll just fail in a world where they just want the paper. tired of people who are just certain ways, hiding behind a shield, then poking fun at the other. so who's the recluse? tired of having an open mind, and then people shoving stuff into it(quote and unquote), taking advantage of forbearance, disconsidering feelings. i know it's called longsuffering, but.. tired of searching. bring us together now, please.. it's not all i ask, but it's what i dare to ask now. tired of being self-contradictory. individually they all make sense to me. too tired to reason it out. these two years will pass horribly fast, and perhaps we'll get taken away from one another. who am i kidding; of course we will. we don't treasure one another enough. who's suppose to be proactive? who's going to, perhaps, come, if people do. can i go on an adventure in search of people who would? who believe in making the picture of their lives come true now. no i can't. many things aren't laid out even in that picture, because they've already been broken, so there's nothing to do but to wing it. things that are already underway give more and more pain, perhaps regret when you decide it's worth it. but what's to be done..? tired's a horribly misfit word for this. but what the heck; too tired to think, tired of being tired. meh. 10:32 pm Monday, July 09, 2007
i hate poetry. •
 i don't know, i have to say i'm getting fed up. how easy can it be when it's thrown in your face? there are reasons, elsewhere, now, for me to try my hardest, but here and now where it matters, all i can say that it pretty much sucks. i'm still trying. but it sucks, it does. and you had better know why. in the long run, there are a lot of things to worry about. it's a lesson i'd learnt from rev. 20. so there are things down the road that could make all we're doing now meaningless, or even more crucial that we can even begin to comprehend; the thing is, we cannot know of these things in themselves. so what's there to do but just to do what seems best now. so maybe when the thousand years are up it may all be for naught, or that may or may not be the true end for our beloved who will be left behind(at first?), but there's really nothing to do but keep trying. it's true: how admirable it is that his actions truly affected people more than his words. hmm. so maybe it's applicable. but how? keep trying? what if i decide to say, there's nothing more that i can do, really. will you slam me like he did about that other thing? if it would change things, please do. because maybe i'll just listen to you and i will let go. maybe the rope isn't worth hanging on to anymore. it's one person's loss, then the other's then the first's again. and then for eternity it is the other's. 8:44 pm Saturday, July 07, 2007
sun son one day one day pass •
我要你陪着我 看着那海龟水中游"have a little faith in yourself, believe that you are a good person, and be the real you for the people around you. that way, if you aren't as good as you hoped, you'd realize it yourself too." just don't dare to do some things, haha. it's easy to become bitter, suddenly remembering again things that i actually want to forget, but had forgotten unconsciously. sometimes it's like we think we're stuck in time and things will just continue as it's been. but people get old, we gotta step up and do the things that have to be done. reminiscing can nice, provided there are actually things to reminisce about, and not just emptiness. i don't know how people can not regret, and just say, oh it's okay, it's good enough, or that time was short, or some excuse. time is always short, gotta catch one another.. but all of that can be done at other times; when there are things to do that are about now, why remember the past and make the present sadder for the future you. i don't know. maybe people just don't feel that way. it's all, it's okay, huh. these times are always eye openers, realizing what the world out there is really like. gotta plan for everyone's happiness. gotta catch you now. 6:08 pm Wednesday, July 04, 2007
not questions again.. •
 A lot of times there are just numerous questions floating around inside your head with regard to individuals and what they're thinking/feeling, a lot of questions, hasty confidences somewhere at the side, harmless wondering once in a while. Sometimes i just wonder, what's to be done like this? nothing really wrong about it. but just feels uncomfortable somehow, like ahh what is..? ah it's probably none of my business. i mean what the heck, it's definitely got nothing to do with me. then one feels like some nerd and so goes off to vent somewhere in certain physical manner. honestly, that's how i feel about this whole matter. in a way that i can't decide is rational or not, i don't understand why i bother. and trust me, it sucks to be saying this, cause i really don't like it when people do. cause i'd say, because it's worth it; why else would you otherwise..? i just want to stop having to regret not knowing people deep down. but people make mistakes. when do you find out whether you have or not? you know when. i know when. but it's called too late for a reason. 11:39 pm Tuesday, July 03, 2007
因你的声音 在我心 是最为动听。 •
我常常寻寻觅觅寻找着你是梦而已 在现实里我曾经问过自己是否爱你 还是个游戏? i'd have to say even i am super tired now, slept for like half an hour the whole of last night, from five to five thirty (was doing art, fun but zz a guy needs his sleep also can) before heading to school.. results are the kapoot, but post mortem will have to be delayed, i'm hitting the sacks. plus went gym with geof just now, cause tomorrow won't be able to, what with chorale starting up again, hahaha.. but good anyways, singing together is always good. i'll just have to say, quietly, that, this wasn't part of the plan. wasn't even anticipated. the plan will not go off track again. i need to sit myself down on the carpet in my room and sort out the papers flying everywhere, and then cozy up and settle the issues that are flying around in a similar, somewhat irritating manner. it's more of how they're flying around in a fuddle than what they are that's bugging me, but now i'm too tired to handle it. i'd take the rest and peace promised just about now, but there are things involving that that i have to settle too, so i guess it'll have to wait. i do love all you people, and i have a Witness to how hard i'm trying.. to be so many things that i see as desirable to be. but it's always a long struggle. i've far to go. i'd appreciate any comfort right about now. =) keep fighting the good fight, people. 8:21 pm Sunday, July 01, 2007
keep your eyes on the prize •
 I don't know about you, but it's easy for me to get distracted by stuff around me. people and feelings, draw me one to do things that i wouldn't do otherwise. And sometimes there are things that just jab you where it hurts the most, so you have to believe things that you don't believe and say, i don't care, i'll look at the bigger picture. there are better things to come, then we'll see who's laughing. But we've been there, and i've said enough about that. but sometimes it's the former, and really, just have to give myself a good slap and wake up. you know what you believe to be good, and what you want to be, to become. so do it. the image of who you will be at your best is within you, you have to stop being changed to become what people who don't understand make you, and get back on the path to being what you want to be, what you know is right. So perhaps there are physical constraints, and perhaps mental ones, but there is much you can do without worrying about those that will be opened up to you in good time. you can never finish talking about love, and i'm not through talking about it, but i'd say enough is enough. it's one thing to never lose the passion, which is good and true, but it's another to be torn from the path, by self or by compulsion. I love my brothers and sisters, and perhaps unknowingly you've taught me that all things will be fulfilled in good time.. perhaps even as i tried to turn myself back to the path of becoming what i believe is good and right, i'd forgotten to concentrate on simply being that as much as i can now. i certainly can't say i've worked myself to exhaustion. give me strength then, to do what i can from here on, because you know i'll need it.. Let's just say, one can have an image, however vague, of certain qualities.. qualities that one believe in, that we would like to have to make up our character. also certain qualities that make up a personality, first and foremost agreeable to ourselves. Surely you know what you want to be, in that sense.. Perhaps it's time to start being that. and then, only after that, to begin to become what we hope to be in the future. 10:03 pm |