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Sunday, April 29, 2007
arghhh cookie!! •
it was when everyone just sat there quietly doing their own thing when we had stayed on to spend time together that i remembered, i'd forgotten to go out and walk. spending time in the same room doing work, doing things so mechanically, working hard. no heart. little people who like to gather together and play their little games and tell their friends, haah, you can't play, this is our game, we're better than you. we do fun stuff together whee. i really worry about next year. will it become like last year, just living it out, waiting for it to pass, because the better times are(will be) already behind. because people can't talk and connect like people before us, even if it is "just an illusion due to our perspective". just going out and spending whatever time there is before the last bus home walking around looking at people, listening and taking in the world at that place in that moment. just keep moving under the sun or in the cold with jacket sleaves in brown corduroy pockets, talking about anything under the sun. shit i think too much about the past, right. 11:44 pm Wednesday, April 25, 2007
friends. •
another day gone. i'm losing track of time.today my throat actually got sore singing. but somehow still can sing like it's nothing. huhh. hmm. sooner or later, there will be concrete decisions that one will have to make.. things that one can't simply try to improve oneself and change over time. things that will be forced upon oneself, that seem so duh, you're asking me for fun, you don't really want me to choose; you've already decided, and other things that.. one just has to do. because time is running out, whether or not we count the moments, or can. time is running out, for everyone.. 10:54 pm Tuesday, April 24, 2007
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i am itchy. like, seriously. all over lah. i shall refrain from coming up with random lines to romanticize that. i'm too tired, anyway. and itchy. have i mentioned i'm itchy? weekly mugging sessions commence, hahAhha. monday is officual mugging day. join us till 10pm, muahaha.. monday shall also be art day, whee. since monday's so slack, might as well spend it nicely doing art and mugging with friends. yet to plan rest of week. need to schedule in time to spend time with people regularly, hopefully.. if people are willing to commit certain times to be together to just talk or do stuff. also, squash and training, frisbee is tentative, so is kayaking with class/dragonboating. also must do stuff with churchies. haiz. we're so drifted now. what else. ah basically fufil my resolution to be a proper mugger. or at least have a really filled tight schedule. want to talk, but tired. maybe a nice post later this week. which will prob end up weekend or next week, considering how my week gets more and more crappy, with a drastic increase on tuesday and the maximum point on friday.. haha.. well off to do other stuff, then go do chinese essay then sleep. is late, yep. g'night all. 12:07 am Thursday, April 19, 2007
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 time flies - and then, no need to endure anymore ; ! time dies.. quoth gabriel; i count the weeks, not the days.. everything seems to disappear before it actually happens. without anything, everything just passes. people will leave eventually, and the stupidness just sets in even before, for lack of a better word. bah. it's both a preempt of things that will be even more convulated and painful in the most conflicting way, and a document to reflect the past. huhh. but well, people don't like the past. so, ok. don't really know what's happening right now. maybe i'm just getting numb. bah. stupid. you know that whole slowly turning into a zombie scenario from KI? it just feels so much like that. i just don't know anymore. dead from fatigue. at the same time somehow able to lust over the short-term material. certain projects i want to undertake, certain tools neccessary.. only things that don't depend on others. it just sucks, i tell you. it's something to do, but it sucks when you think about all the could-bes. can i spam names for the sake of it? AKG C420 Headset Cardioid Condenser Microphone, 13" ibook with leopard and xp, and some software i can use(adobe thing ivan has?), Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ3, and the Intuos3 6x8 drawing tablet which i've wanted for the longest time.. haha.. ok, that should meet the demands of geekiness. art is awesome, but i just wish i could actually devote more time to it. pah. wish i had started into it so much earlier. now it's so touch and go, and it's irritating that 'teach has to get upset about stuff. to be able to devote all my time to this and music and PT, hahh, that would rock. somehow i keep coming back to the same thing.. it's about commitment, to spend time together, to experience one another and do stuff together. and it's really not about occupying the same space. about feeling and beginning to understand.. somewhat, anyway. love my chorale seniors, haha.. adrian, wenhao have really changed, somehow.. things to learn. weisong and chinee in some other ways, lol, but that's another thing. and it's always great to spend time together talking about anything, with ruth and huilin, avonne. haiz. which is kinda part of the whole time thing. thinking about people and lives. architecture will hopefully become all that, maybe i'll be able to contribute something, somewhere, but the most important stuff in the end isn't benefiting the world, but doing something for the people i care about. hope i'll really have the opportunity to do that much in this life.. through all the ideals and scripts that one writes for oneself to play out. and in the end all there is is, not to be nothing. to know that we've impacted people. to know that we are loved. 9:55 pm Monday, April 16, 2007
you don't love me •
dare i say it.i've been saying it over and over already where you can't hear it. 11:24 pm Sunday, April 15, 2007
stark. •
 11:50 am •
its times like this that i just want to run away very fast and die. or destroy stuff, stuff that i'm given the power to make. stuff that have cost me so much, and will cost double, triple. just feel like willing myself into inexistence. so much shit i'd just lose control and throw it all out, but no. i've already made enough aesthetically unpleasing. i should just shut up and go away, huh. perhaps i will. 1:28 am Friday, April 13, 2007
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chorale concert approaches celerius quam asparagi co ur; tomorrow is the beginning of the end and the end of the beginning, if i can say that without being too cheezy. i don't know what to feel; yet i do feel somethings, but they seem contradictory, and i don't want to feel some of it, yet i do. it's what they call conflicting feelings, i believe. 力不从心; the mind is willing but the heart is weak. did it really go another way..? hahAhha..so much lost due to fear and appearances. fear of appearing certain ways, fear of seeming to mean something that one does not, fear of displeasing, fear of failing.. appearing in a way that one is not, giving others the wrong impression, distancing unintentionally or otherwise.. it's because of all the haziness. the fog of war, they call it, the fog of war within the battle of life. such are our strategies. make some attempt to master your instrument, if you please.. there is so little respect for our voices, partially because we are so reluctant to flaunt them, as noted by several people. being able to sing well, ostensibly, in a choir, and nowhere else is like a pianist being able to play nothing but bach. it's very impressive when you do it, but it kind of wears dry very quickly when you find that you're unwilling to do it any other way. understandably we have our standards. so not trying for them while we are supposedly able to reach them is better than trying and failing, trying and trying, how? there are always ideals, but really, how isn't everything an ideal? let me explore this thought. the way any one artwork can have so many meanings, evoke different feelings in different people, each word can evoke certain feelings too. each letter that forms the word, the relationship with the other letters in the word; the proximity to certain other letters, the presence of certain letters in the word. so each word is unique, means different things to different people, yet each work evoke a very specific feeling for each person, because of the way they view the composition of the word. so the way we see the bits and pieces that make up the world, and the way we imagine them when they are as perfect as they can be- 1am edit!:saved as draft for tmr actually, but aiyah what the. talking with fiona till so late, phew. concert tmr leh. aiyah sleep in. much stuffs we talked manyly about. yeah im irritated with myself k. i shall just lose the persona. the bottom line is, there is a picture of perfection of every thing, and darned if i don't get there sometime. but moments are just lost like that, wrong moves made. having eternity doesn't equate to being able to redo things that are already done. i believe i just lost sight that the road to perfection isn't; it is the perfect road. to begin to walk it.. that's the problem i have, and i'm incredibly pissed at myself for how things are working out. everyone has an idea of how things should be, and if yours is just the same as mine, we're probably predestined to be soulmates or something. so the thing is, how? the conflict between ideals, the stupid ways i try to reach my ideal, and how you think i'm being stupid at wanting the ideal i seem to want. before i sleep, i just give up. it's more than i thought you thought i was being an ass now; now it's more than that. so i totally give up. take it away, whoever. i'm ready. 9:31 pm Tuesday, April 10, 2007
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love is the oddest thing.but yeah, i love you. 8:46 pm Sunday, April 08, 2007
anger! •
foolish men!words of old come back to mind; the weight they hold remains! must i take a foreign name, to gain acceptance amonst mine own kin? a changing face and hidden eyes, then wilt thou trust the forge of my fingers and mind? pah! yet i know, if i must, such course will i take, to remain by your comtemptuous sides. yet the choice will be mine when the time comes to forget or forsake. 9:28 am Saturday, April 07, 2007
swishing through the swash •
swishing through the swash and foam where the ocean kisses the sand; white grains swirling about our feet and little fish swim away! away! hahahaa.. ok.thinking about many things.. troubled people, want to help but don't know how. you know. there's the, hm maybe i can do something, go research research, hm i'll get back to you shh you didn't hear that. disappointment is something that i alone need to face in this sense. the limitless possibilities.. that i've blown. red dot instruction, dance, drawing, drama, singing, violin, performing, languages, cultures, experiences. if only i'd taken that initiative to step out that much and discover all that was possible sooner. pah. it's never enough, whatever one does. how clinical everything is, how everyone treats stuff. toh's right in that. toh's right in more things than usual; i begin to wonder if it could actually have been me all along-hah! why not. all the greenery, but none of the breezy, comfortable coolness, just lukewarm half-gloss white. distortion of beauty, worse than stuff that's ugly on purpose..? hmf. stuff and stuff. people, architecture, music, art. whatever. delving deeper into chorale. there's really nothing, is there.. there's nothing anywhere. there's only people. well, fine. people it is. how much can we do. let's do with as little of the ugly and drama in this two years as we can, if you please.. i can be anything you want me to be. just show me. i am everything and nothing, whichever makes you happier. they're the same. dig up a starfish from the wet sand. 10:32 pm Tuesday, April 03, 2007
•
relish the physical ache, but-quartet thing is coming along good, in the musical sense, i think.. haha.. great job guys =] sorry i've been a nuisance with my unmusicallyeducatedness, i'll just blame lack of exposure, haha.. wish i could do stuff like this more often. hope the result will be great, i know the process has been something.. the sad part is that this probably won't last, if i'm right. we're still only four people singing at the same time.. haiz. time i guess. work troubles. yeah. i can't decide whether i want this over sooner or later. grah. in the end it goes back to the oldest thing. can i keep the people? no, they must choose. but why? it's such an important thing, surely it should be beyond our choice. haiz. ashes smouldering.. i feel pulled in so many directions by machines. machines. hope ignite? pah. wish. hope. hope, wish. zz. brothers and sisters, grow close and strong in Him together, face the charge that is placed before us with heart; how can you be impersonal? how do you accept a gulf of eternity? fellows, come and gather into retreat and learn again, of things more important for which there is no better teacher than our world.. walk and search for what needs to be searched for, do what must be done. know what you must know. provoke and teach. friends, meet with desire and share your lifeworks, embrace our individual passions and spur us on in our work.. if you will, discover the music that we love with me. i can only say again and again; the beauty of the place is silent, completed only by the beauty of those who would fill it with life and love. 9:24 pm |