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Sunday, February 25, 2007
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 the truth is, i can't handle what i'm being made to think about. frustration - i could lay about me with great blades to try to get it all out, but i know there would be no end to it; there is no reprieve. yet, why am i allowed to be this way? and they say there's a reason for everything. sometimes i just don't see it, however much space i give for my own ignorance. the truth is, i'm incoherent. i don't even fully understand what's going on, what i'm thinking; how could you expect me to express it clearly? i could say anything now, but i wouldn't be able to express the whole picture. i'd just be showing you an incomplete image, giving you the wrong impression of what's going on. misrepresentation that nobody can help. i could talk on and on about what i mean to put into this paragraph. about what's really the whole problem. but i won't. because i don't know how.  the end of it all, as far as i got, is that there is no cure. if you had one wish, what would you wish for? something that you would even admit yourself to be frivolous, just to use the wish; something 'for the greater good', that would solve one problem but leave a of multitude others just, there. what if you had unlimited wishes. could you achieve what you want? you cannot even know what you want. can you make yourself happy? the only true happiness known to man at the present is ignorance, and from our standing, ignorance is still negative and undesirable, despite the escape. but that's the whole reason; because it's merely an escape, not a solution. but what if there is no solution? i'm sorely tempted, now that i've begun, to delve into it all. belief, reason, who are we? what are we looking for? why do we? but i wouldn't be able to. maybe yesterday night was the last straw. ever time after something like that, and only after something like that, i question my pursuit of the eternal and the present. the present matters because it is now, and the eternal matters because it will always be. so the answer is to find the best of now, and make it eternal. but things don't work that way.. there isn't anything. there is no perfection. how is it that i am an idealist? or an idiot? what is the difference? everything that exists is separate; the differences are so insignificant, yet they matter so much. everything is both things at once; good and bad, true and false, friend and enemy.. nothing makes sense.  in the end i get nowhere. people will attempt to make conversation, or say that it's too deep, or too confusing, or that it makes no sense. or people will try to console, say not to think so much. or just read and keep quiet. basically not know what's going on. not that i'm in any better a state. in fact, the only difference is that it's happening to me. i said once i could never wish myself out of existence. perhaps something could change my mind now. if the stereotypical adult who begins to question life comes ends up in a state of resignation, then the state of the youth who begings to question life is not angst, but avoidance. can't afford to think.. because.. why? no, cannot afford to ask. because the state which people describe as angst, in it's truest form, can only lead to inexistance. 8:52 pm Monday, February 19, 2007
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the man i constructed in somewhat obscure prose on deviantart is, actually, something of a dream from youth, of what i might, in a perfect, or semi-perfect world, hope to become.. but then again, i would have to try it to truly know if it would be any good, for me or others. one imagines it t'would be terribly convenient, to pop up into people's lives: people whom one does, in actual reality, have an inexplicable concern for; and to help, to be there, to advice, to do whatever's neccessary. but to pop into people's lives is such an uncomely thing to do, one imagines that one could never really develop a friendship or any relationship this way, so, how convenient it would be to vanish away after aid, but always being able to visit back unseen ever so often and again, and to see people whom one concerns himself with, happy. but to actually take such a course of action requires a great deal more courage than to imagine.. giving up the possibility of a friendship, relationship, without any awkwardness.. it's something that one cannot decide to do so simply. yes, it is selfish, in a way.. your happiness or my closeness to you. something that people so often embellish upon in love stories, but in a slightly more down-to-earth sense, if one might venture to say as much.. such sudden acts of what i must denounce as personal stupidity at the moment itself, as well as in the face of passing allusion, have crumbled upon me before: i am, after all, but a careless youth who hopes too much of people around him, as so pointedly pronounced by a respected elder, if she not be overly insulted to be referred to as such.. but upon occasion they have surprised me, and the quiet delight is more than can be told to any man on life; perhaps it is such that keeps one from giving up altogether on such a seemingly apparent childish dream. at this point there are too many trains of thought emerging, and it scatters my brain, to say the least, haha.. i'd adjourn to meditate.. of my rashness in the face of neccesity of making sudden decisions, of the danger of maintaining such a dream, of courses of action i would of would not take in light of the current situations around me.. and how to fix things gone wrong, be they already known to be, how do you say; screwy, or not known as of yet; be they due to bad choices in the past, or simply retribution for lack of taking action.. there, i think i've sufficiently demolished the english language in that last paragraph. it was somewhat fun typing and thinking in the language as used prior to that, however.. haha.. ciao. 10:55 am Sunday, February 18, 2007
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a lot that was meant to be said gone. curse or bless technology; what's the difference? if everything had always been the same. friendship and acquaintanceship too similiar, blessings and troubled times looked upon in conflicting ways, everything contrary yet the same. not knowing what the alternatives are, there are no alternatives.. things just are. how to explain..but there's no time, so:- even after all this time, one still does miss; regret about opportunities in the past missed because of stupidity not excusable for youth, but irreversible all the same; helplessness in so many things. and now more: you two whom i cannot help; and then you three who have disappeared; then those whom i have never known in the least. tired. if things hadn't turned out this way, maybe i could have lived happily in that condition with you until whenever. after all, if one doesn't know, one cannot regret nor desire. ignorance is bliss, whether or not we would want to be ignorant had we the choice. ahh. tired. 10:47 pm Tuesday, February 13, 2007
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on things not thought about since.watching things, one gets that feeling.. when someone whom one wishes the best for, changes for the better.. watching someone grow up, in a sense, become more mature. or so it would seem. and i don't quite know what the feeling is. satisfaction, sincere best wishes.. but is there something more? the question marks, that i daren't write even here. going about the things one must in life, and taking a moment, plucking the courage to do something stupid, and when it somehow works out as desired, or better, that feeling.. don't quite know what it is either. happiness, put simply.. joy from your joy; i hope you gained as much, at least. but.. something more, definitely.. the question marks that nobody can really answer. it's in the past. if anything can happen now, it's in the future, and that's another occasion to take the risk, and just go for it.. and hopefully, it'd work out.. hopefully. may the day come sooner. walking and thinking.. one doesn't quite know what to think of people around. surrounded by geniuses.. superior intellect. it's quite overwhelming. so many surprises from unassuming people.. but it's my fault for expecting less; why would any of you be worth any less? yet.. sometimes.. it's like being surrounded by children. grow up, if you please. if not, oh well. that's the alternative path, i guess. perhaps you would say i don't have the courage to try it; but do you have the strength and capacity not to take it? talking to people.. sometimes it's like not talking at all.. somehow it just isn't enough. there are thing that just need the right timing, the right atmosphere to talk about. it just isn't there, ever. i'm with you, becky.. i want to go away for a while, but i want to bring so many people with me, a few at a time.. just to be able to talk. sharing unique experiences, it can't but bring people together.. shallow relationships are so disappointing, sometimes.. i don't know. i just can't bring myself to continue. if shallow's what you want, then shallow. i'm acquainted with many people; a lot of people know who friedemann is. if that's all that can be, then so be it. i'd look until i can find. haiz.. does nobody think that real relationships are possible with many people in one's life, rather than just the one, if at all..? on happenings. while the O level results are out, one still awaits results from certain people on certain stuff. renaissance, for one.. then the question of CCAs. chior exco? council? fencing? entre? LDCS? -i'm a fool, in that.. i'm sorry i've disappointed. i never should have waited that day at the gate. i should just have gone. everything really is always moving here. it's so hard, trying to keep up.. i'm barely maintaining my distance behind everyone else. hopefully the one week coming will allow me to catch up.. but as PW comes into the picture, and KI gets serious.. i just hope i can manage. encouraging words from an unlikely source(econs tutor), and unintentional, surely.. haha.. one is hesitant to believe, but if such a one would have such a notion that scholarships to non-english speaking countries are easier to get than those to english speaking.. well, i guess i have a little more reason to hope. but time is so scarce, and i know not who to ask for advice or help.. is there even anyone..? on things to come. it's hard to say if what's happening may be called settling into schedule and monotony.. but if it isn't, then the excitement is likely to continue, and continue.. haha.. there are just always too many things happening. i just hope i remember all that i need to. tight schedules, so many things to be done.. before i know it, it'll be off to NS.. so many things that need to be planned for, be they short term(these 2 years), after that(uni) or the more abstract future.. ho hum. i supposed there isn't really anything to think about for the last; there isn't anything to grasp onto, to build upon. it's just as well; the former alone could give me a headache it i stopped to think about it properly. just gotta keep moving and doing.. for a moment in plain english, it's really sad that we get to spend so little time with our J2s.. particularly those in choir; i mean, those are the J2s whom we know the best now, anyway.. time's just too short, one just wants so much to find some excuse to keep people together even after we go our necessary ways, but.. one does fear failure in this sense. to fail would be.. somehow, worse than not to try. haiz.. what to do. oh well. as usual i'll just stop thinking and leave you all in the middle of nowhere.. haha.. goodnight. 8:28 pm Sunday, February 11, 2007
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shucks. this stinks.admission fees+ 4 years undergraduate+ 4 years doctorate (the above for UNIVERSITY OF TOKYO, THE) 56,757.09 SINGAPORE DOLLARS, or 4,508,400.00 JAPANESE YEN 4 years of dormitory rent, approx. 30,214.05 SINGAPORE DOLLARS, or 2,400,000.00 JAPANESE YEN and that's not even including daily expenses, like food and clothing and stuff. everyone needs money for stuff, right?? either way it works out to more than 100k singapore dollars. it'd take forever to pay that off.. mann.. the things i'd do for a scholarship. can somebody advice me on this..??? somebody who actually knows stuff and who won't just brush me off and tell me to stay in singapore?? to be updated. 10:47 pm Friday, February 09, 2007
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who was it who said, there are two sides to everything; and i'm not talking about the good and the bad..? one is extravagant, the other is subtle; one is displayed, the other is hidden; one speaks for the truth; one teaches those who will learn; one appears to be less then it is; the other believes itself to be more; one has confidence; the other expounds respect. who can say which is greater than the other?11:57 am Thursday, February 08, 2007
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there are a lot of questions raised about conformism, and the like.. i guess the long and short of it is that we cannot avoid being influenced, for even if you avoid, you avoid because you want not to conform, or you want to. true ignorance becomes difficult; furthermore, we aren't blind people, in that sense. haiz. there's no question that most people need approval. to care also means, to care what they think. people always say that you love not because you want to be loved in return, but when you do love, isn't it true that you do want to be loved back? we need, however much or little. fresh starts are beginning to look impossible.. there isn't really much of a point in the end, because you keep certain beliefs, certain values, and it always carries over. people respect or they don't. but the question to ask, very often, would be.. why do you want people to see you the way you're behaving..? are you even aware what people may think. put bluntly - immature, so many of you. why? why pretend to be so? yeah, i do have a plan for my life, and like so many other plans of mine, it's such a weird combination of idealism combined with practicality in the weirdest places. but why tell? it's a rushed conclusion for tonight, but really. please don't ask unless you really want to know, don't say unless you really mean it, because if one even believes what one hears at first, one would only lose more faith. 11:03 pm |