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danne |
Sunday, January 07, 2007
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sigh.. i don't know how i should be feeling now, or i am.i'm really grateful for the people who are part of my life now.. amid all the messiness, you guys just provide those little laughs, even in the city life, that let me relax for a moment.. but it's just so hard. it's probably stupid to complain, but so help me. i just find it hard to be assured of anything good in this world. things are so messy here and now, so many issues, things that don't look like they're going to turn out well. like the next two years, for example. i hate to say it, but OG prob won't last.. and my class stinks, or have i mentioned that already. i dunno what's gonna happen in the future, and maybe after a month or two i'll get to know people(if i don't manage to change classes) and i'll go, wupps, sorry. but seriously, i'm just.. tired of the way things are working out. in the end there's no assurance of happiness anywhere. at the present, people are distracted, just not trying, not interested in trying to get together. insistent on "being who they are", doing "what makes them them". if you are uninterested in improving yourselves, i really don't know what to say or think anymore.. i'll just slowly, back away, then run. as a kid who meets a beast in the woods. and i don't know what to think of the future either. i thought about it seriously, and i really cannot bear two years alone. i mean, i haven't been close to anyone, but we were always buddy buddy, there was someone there for the simpler things in life when you needed someone, in the teeny tiny way. there was some security, guys who would, i believe, answer the call for help should things start looking really bad and you needed them. but two years, with nobody, just studies, regimentation, toiling with nobody really, except so, so seldom, people who might want to help but can't really.. i may survive, but i don't think i can take that kind of life. not for two years. then i think past that.. if i look at it realistically, things beyond don't look that good either.. i don't know.. it's just so hard for me to leave it all in His hands.. right after He condemned people whom i care about, for some ridiculous reason or another, He promised to take my into His protection and wipe away all tears. how? and if our relationships are the same as before, our minds are part of our souls, then people still will not be able to truely communicate, understand things.. i'll still be as alone as i am now. and always, people will have their own 'lives'; it's just not possible for people to just live and love, and the people who are to be enough, because they are who they are. to just live with these people and certain things, and that's all we need in life. gah.. i don't know how to explain what i imagine. let's just put it this way.. imagine just one group of people whom you love. imagine you get a house, a building, so huge, with all the facilities you could ever dream of, tennis, basketball, squash courts, swimming pool, recording, dance, computer studios. the most amazing kitchen, the most incredible stock of food you could imagine. the most beautiful rooms, the best places for fellowship, for sitting and laughing and talking and eating into the night, indoors and out. imagine a place that has everything, physically. what i know is, we can have such a place in the future, by my Father's grace.. but who will come? none. that's what i fear. because one group of people is not enough, and it's just difficult to imagine different groups of friends merging, joining to form just one, which can coexist like that. and each of us have more friends, out there, more and more, and we just can't get to know all of them. the human mind is only built to know up to 150 people as good friends, "good friends" meaning you know some details about their lives, some happenings. it's not possible for me, and even in this world i can see it's impossible for other people whom i care about. such a scenario just can't happen. people won't come together like that. and people just.. can't be satisfied. with all these things, we can't just be happy, and create things to do. play games, do stuff together, make music and art, think and talk about all that is was will be. i can just imagine it. people will go, i'm bored, there's nothing to do here, even amidst all the perfection. because that's how people are now.. how will they change in the future? if they do, will they still be them? will i still be me? the bottom line is, the possible perfection that i imagine is, in fact, impossible under the present circumstances. impossible for me to fulfil, because of the way people are. and i don't know if i can say that i wish they were some other way, because that would just.. change things, and then it gets complicated. and the possible perfection of the future, and beyond, is also doubtful. i do not know, even in the least, so i cannot really decide whether it will be good or not, but from what little i do know.. it's hard for me to believe that it can be as good as.. i imagine the best to be. and when the best can never be, as it is for me.. it's like, all hope is lost. nothing can ever be that good, and that fact is thrown right at me. if not for the hope that my Father gives, there would be nothing left for me in the universe or eternity. what little hope that fuels what little desire to keep living and trying, is the hope that i am wrong, that i actually know nothing whatsoever about what the future would be like, that perfection is actually possible. but all i have is the promise that He will set things right, that everything will be all right in the end.. and it's just so hard to believe, when i'm already told, and shown through the world and the word, that so many things will go wrong. 10:13 pm |