finding the strength

last sunday. hurtling along the road in that creaky old bus to church, nothing outside the window when i opened my eyes but the road rushing past, greenery and brush, endlesss sky and the occasional passing car. i just.. felt like falling into someone's arms. it makes no sense at all, yet all the sense in the world. just tired.. not just mentally, or emotionally, or physically. just, tired.. don't know how to describe it. and i turned my eyes upon Him and asked, now what? then i prayed a desperate prayer. i don't care what people will say now or in the future. i need.

notes from the week: when i'm not there, i imagine, i seem to remember that it's great; when i am there, it sometimes gives that warm feeling. but then i realize we're just strangers sharing a special moment, like she said. we don't share a real relationship, as friends, as brothers and sisters, as far as i understand the terms. i don't think i want this sort of thing.. i want something real, that isn't just imagination, that doesn't just last for a while sometimes, that isn't so superficial. i don't want to just be strangers sharing a special moment, however often. i want brothers and sisters.

i want to say, i have no family: you are my family. but you already have your own family, i can't be a part. whose fault is it? i want to say, how can i get to know you, without people hearing anything else, perceiving anything else than what i'm trying to say.

i'm sick of people playing me out. i can climb to the top and ask, why? but i can't take any action. it's forbidden, and it's pointless. i said, i'm not playing with people anymore. how long can it last.

* * *

the whole problem is that people don't dream enough. all it takes is to think: with these circumstances, with these people, with these things given to me, what is the best that could be? what would be the perfection that could be wrought with this? and then to go for it. but people are obsessed with the past, with themselves, with people who don't deserve it simply cause they aren't interested in living the examined,perfect life even though they know why they should, could. doing every other thing but trying for perfection.

i'm trying too. i still won't plan for failure, because every time failure hurts less i'll shun it less. so take away everything i wanted, loved, planned for.. it's meant to hurt. all i can do is do all i can to prevent it happening again, and i will.

i'm not saying i deserve anything. i'm just saying, i want it more then you do.
0 comments
11:47 pm

Friday, January 19, 2007

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sometimes i'm just too trusting.
on a separate note, it's wierd how anonymity can make communication that wouldn't happen under mutual recognition, happen.
0 comments
9:14 pm

Thursday, January 18, 2007

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alright, i give up.
auditions are over. i just walked up, sang, walked down. i can't remember what i was trying to do.. wasn't even paying attention, sang the wrong lyrics at the end.. haha.. man. i hope i can get in. i really really do.
KI is goodness. just keep talking and talking and thinking. but still, people grow tired after a while.. just wanna stop, and then we sit there and do nothing. i wish we could just talk and talk and talk.
LCDS is something unexpected. it's just, corny-hongkong/korean/japanese-drama-serial ironic, the flow of events that made me end up there. i'm afraid i'm not living up to expectations of what i am.. that i'm not even showing what i can do. gah, what am i talking about. it's just the first session.. yet..
entre hasn't called me. entre ppl, please call me. i want entre.
chorale is questionmark. the way it's working, i'm staying till after SYF at least i guess.. RJdance doesn't seem worth the time, don't think volleyball will work out, and i'll get owned in squash and fencing. hm. i shall just hardcore clubs. studies are supposed to take priority these 2 years anyway.

philo stuff. i could stand doing philo stuff. and music. music was always going to be there anyway.. but somehow the two seem to fit nicely together. he was asking me for a backup for architecture. maybe philo is it. philo and music.

short on funds.

asking, what if, take the first step, just start talking where unwanted is a possibility. how? how will people react. it's a risk.. i have to use you and i. won't you think i am crazy?

people just don't talk anymore.
i like being with people a little younger, cause i can relax and do stupid stuff and be a kid too, and at the same time i can be the big brother.
i like being with people a little elder, cause i can learn, and watch, and listen, and say things without being blammed. because i can be the kid brother.
0 comments
10:20 pm

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

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random thought: i just realized that i feel more comfortable among people who are taller then me, and people who are older then me. there's a connection there, somewhere.. maybe i got some sort of psychological disorder..? hahAha..

plenty of stuff to talk about.. but i'm spam blogging already. another time.
0 comments
8:20 pm

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

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maybe it's wrong, but i envy those in 07batch. two words:senseless fun.
people are too busy putting up fronts. maybe it's just the people that i know.
what to do, what to do.
?
0 comments
10:37 pm

Monday, January 15, 2007

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this is weird. i can't understand what i'm turning into, but it can't be all good.. something is wrong. but there's no time to stop and think, i'm just going to have to try to work it out somehow along the way.. i'm behind already, somehow. gah. what is this crap lah. i'm doing something wrong.

jazz audition on weds.. a small hope that it may be a way for me to throw whatever else i have into singing. it's another escape. when nothing and nobody in this world is making sense anymore, i remind myself about eternity and put everyone away for a while, and just do something. music would be good. and a lot of things aren't making sense to me right now..

it's not very good timing either, if i can even say that.. haha.. i'm real tired. physically, mentally, whatever. schedule is out, i'm still trying to make it work.. fit in all the other things i want to do this year into the whole plan. cca isn't down yet.. so it's confusing there too.. gah. maybe i'm making too many commitments. craps..

maybe i'm trying too hard. that's when all the mistakes come in. inexperience?
probably.

i'm falling sick. i can taste it. hahAha.. i just can. craps, too many people and possibilities. judgemental. so is it better to be invisible to everyone, or to be judged?
not to be so negative, though.. there are good things happening, i think. i just wonder how far they'll go.. things and people tend to just walk out on me. possibly it's something i'm doing, or not doing. possibly it's not me at all. so, now what? do you want to find out who is standing before you, really, or just dismiss what you think you see?

it's like i said.. don't presume to know me. i don't even know me, exactly. i can be any one of a few, several less then before. what was it i wanted to say..?

oh yeah. i want to know you, and i want you to want to know me. and i want us to do something about that. and you is a universal set.
0 comments
11:15 pm

Saturday, January 13, 2007

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i'll tell myself why i live

i live because everytime i consider the world and the universe in absolute terms, and things are just depressing;

When the days stretch into forever
And storm clouds never seem to clear
And it's hard to go on facing each new day

i can whip out my handphone and listen to the recording i've got of shaula, xinyi, ruth, sokyin, pamela, carlos, everyone laughing like mad people for no discernable reason, and i can't help but smile and laugh too.

because i haven't begun to sing, nor sung forever with the most beautiful music, with the most beautiful people. it's a fault of mine; it must be, everyone's so negative to it: seniors always seem so perfect, so nice, just so picturesque. maybe it's cause i've never really had any one person to look up to, and i do need someone.. since young i always gravitate to elder people.. no idea why.
people make such beautiful sounds together, and everyone plays such an important part. i cannot begin to describe the feeling.. i really, really hope i can make it into jazz club.

Olha que coisa mais linda
mais cheia de graça
É ela menina que vem e que passa
nun doce balanço, caminho do mar...

Moça do corpo dourado, do sol de
Ipanema
O seu balançado é mais que un poema
é a coisa mais linda
que eu já vi passar...

Ah! Porque estou tão sozinho
Ah! Porque tudo é tão triste
Ah! A beleza que existe
A beleza que não é só minhaque
também passa sozinha

Ah! Se ela soubesse
que quando ela passa
o mundo sorrindo
se enche de graçae fica mais lindo
por causa do amor
por causa do amor
por causa do amor

at the same time, i'm caught in such a spot over chorale.. i think i love the people already. i wasn't completely wrong, but i wasn't correct about certain things, and chorale is a better place because i didn't expect this much.. i just don't know whether to stay now, because i really like the people. it's just, the music.. the songs that we do, the way that we do it. if i had to talk to toh tomorrow about staying or leaving choir, i can imagine what i'd have to say: just hear me out before you say anything.. i do love the people here, and i do love to sing, but i want to get something more out of the little time that i have.. i love the people, and really, they're what would keep me from leaving.. but i think that i have to anyway.. choir will always be my pet CCA, i've invested so much thought and emotion into it, and i hope that friendships still can grow even though i'm not in it.. i would stay and do it alongside other things if i could, possibly even if you let me, but i just get the feeling that unless i can really dedicate myself, i can't get the most nor give the most to anything or anyone.. i do have a sense of commitment, and that's making it really hard for me to walk out as well, but.. i don't know..

i live because there are people who i care about who still live also, and i remember my commitment to them.. i can never rest, until they are also safe with my Father and me.. i feel so helpless now, i cannot even help them directly, one by one.. only pray, hint, talk about Him, live the best that i can, trying to do something.. i hope so much on after the thousand years He spoke of. one thousand years.. then what? nobody knows. i can only hope that those whom i love will come. it's hard, so often, to just be still and trust..

i live because i haven't become an architect, haven't learnt how to be one. places are always what hold memories for us, and if you really think about what that means.. places are the spiritual vessels, that will remind us of past times, happy or sad, and just give us that feeling.. that feeling that's so special, even if unhappy stuff happened, we can remember that in the end everything was for good. it's not an investment in this world, it's an investment in the next; to create places that hold memories for people, for eternity. like the church where you played games that i never knew, heard of wistfully, regretting that i couldn't share the time with you; like the homes that you all live and grew up in, every event in your life that changed you, and moved towards greater understanding.. like the schools, shopping centers, clubs, resorts, hotels, any place where you spent time with friends and loved ones, such happy times.. like the road i walk down to my house, hdbs on one side, open skies on the other, terraces lining the sides, cars aloneside the road. things that we'll remember, whether the future be better or worse.

yeah. these are some reasons i live;
0 comments
7:14 pm

Thursday, January 11, 2007

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since i was a kid, everywhere i went, the world seemed to scream to me;
at every moment, there is some crazy thing that you could do, to change your life forever, and make it just like you dream. if only you had the courage to do it even though people might think you're mad, if only you're willing to take the first step, the first risk, others will follow along and then everything will be love.

it's hard. i listened, and a good few times it did lead to beautiful things, that i.. sadly, may not appreciate enough today.. but it also led to screwups, screwups of things that could have been beautiful, even as they were, perhaps. or if i had done it some other way.

so how do you tell when? and what to do?
0 comments
7:23 pm

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i think i'm just gonna act dumb and do what i can.. sigh. whatever lah. it's just so damn sad. can't express it.. why don't you people see it that way? z.

if that's the way it's gotta be, i wish things would settle down faster, so i can get into rhythm and i can make schedule. people missing from my life.. well, what can i do about it. bah. just gotta continue.. but i'm coming up with excuses to call you up suddenly in the future, so watch it.

math, vocal training, guitar, squash, design, drawing, wiring and plumbing, construction stuff. loads to learn. gotta try to find whoever can help me out with the scholarship problem in school too.. as soon as possible. i think there's some department for that. i guess i'm just going to go on with the plan as if everyone really is there. i simple can't do anything without, so i'll just have to pretend. better to live in denial then moping, i figure. whatever.

everything as planned then.. two years. the one thing left hanging is CCA.. gah. well, hope i settle that soon. i really don't know what i do about that one.

there's just no room for new beginnings even now.. i guess i wasn't all right when RJ was to be my new beginning. there's no room for not being the best at all.. just learning, and being with people. whatever.

whatever lah. i don't know if i'm being stupid or what, cause it could be either way, depending on who you ask. i never planned for failure. what plans there were.. were just for show. never serious. like chorale. i never really planned not to join.. now it's come to this, i'm left hanging when it comes to CCA. gah.

i'm going out. ciao.
0 comments
6:11 pm

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

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zz, i don't know what's going on. so luan.
i don't know what i dare to hope for anymore. probably nothing much. what to do about this thing and that. people just don't talk. for various reasons.

it's so hard, keeping my eyes on the prize and working towards it.. short term goals, long term goals.. they say everything you do should have a reason. somehow things just don't work that way. or the reasons is just.. obscure. not really a reason at all.

studies, architecture, mugging, meeting people, making new friends.. ns, uni, scholarships. it's all so screwed up. i don't know if i can do it anymore. math has started, i just can't figure it out. my designs are so sketchy, i can't draw to scale, express every nuance on paper. i'm not even sure if they'll work out to scale anymore, the old ones. gah.. and it's crazy, school will be over in 2 years, then uni how?? i can't even find a scholarship to work towards, don't know how to search. i suppose i could always go to NUS, but.. i want to aim higher first. actually, i just want to do it like i've imagined.. NUS is really a fallback. but how realistic am i being.

long term.. i'm not even sure what to think about what's going to happen anymore.. just too tired of thinking and worrying. it's so hard to keep it in mind, and do everything. tired.. i'm just depending on His grace, and the 1000 years. what am i talking about, i don't know what's going to happen.. gah. but i don't know how to help people anymore. i just can't connect with anyone in that way anymore.

everything envisioned just seems.. idealistic, but i just can't bear to give up on the dreams.. i forgot that people may not be what i imagined. i guess i just.. imagined too much. gah.. this is just heading back to previous thoughts.

i just find it hard to accept that it's more than, we only touch each other briefly on the surface in this world; we're really all very, very alone.
cause that's not how i imagined it to be.
the future used to be so bright..
look at us now.
0 comments
10:30 pm

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

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i probably shouldn't say phew yet but,
phew.
0 comments
10:00 pm

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it's taking all i've got to stop from swearing. call it a resolution.
this whole thing is worse then i thought. come to think of it, why did i even ask you? you're not everyone. but you'll affect everyone, but things are just dandy cause there are other people messing things up as well huh?

i give up, i really do. i turn my eyes upon Him and ask, how many times? how many times more? i give up.. all we ever needed was to be senselessly happy. if i can't have the people, i'll make my tomb into the place that was to be everyone's home, and i can sit there and talk to my Father and just mope for eternity. i can, really.
people just don't work. why? we could have all that, but no. it's worse then 40 years in the wilderness rather then 4 weeks, you'll take eternity and leave me. there is no paradise without people who are paradise. it's about what you choose.

all of you, left me with nothing to choose. i'll just take what's left, which is really nothing. and i'll make something of it, if i have to live forever torn apart for what could have been. i'll make it into regret, until the 1000 years are up, or whenever.

until people can come with me, to that place. to that place. and senseless happiness.
0 comments
2:49 pm

•

zz.
in the middle of it, dancing with everyone, it's like, beauty. it's what completes the beauty of the place; the beauty of the people doing what they do. just yell and sing and stomp, and somehow we won, after four years of getting second and third we won. that wasn't what it was about of course, but it did contribute. it's just senseless happiness.

then things slow down, and we begin to accept that this is the end. studies begin, we're moving apart, we'll cease to exist. i just think most likely that's what's going to happen. none of the rest will get to read this anyway. but it just sucks. its the end. because whatever the situation was, the thoughts that came, the stupid things done, that moment there only mattered then, and after that it's just senseless happiniess.

i have other things to think about, personal things. i learn. it's complicated.. ahhaa.. but what i think i should say here now is that it just all sucks that its going away. and it is.

i'm too tired to think further. in the midst of it all, i just prayed hard for the memory to remember every thing, because i fear, so badly because of its probability, that such things will, can only come so seldom, when people manage to click by chance, because people for some reason cannot choose to click. then it just.. fades away, and it's not enough, and everything just sucks.

z. i'm going to stop. it's different from jc2006, it's worse in some ways, similiar is some ways. but somehow tension's come to my lips at the place and time. i don't want to post lyrics..

先说goodbye.
0 comments
12:50 am

Sunday, January 07, 2007

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sigh.. i don't know how i should be feeling now, or i am.
i'm really grateful for the people who are part of my life now.. amid all the messiness, you guys just provide those little laughs, even in the city life, that let me relax for a moment..

but it's just so hard. it's probably stupid to complain, but so help me. i just find it hard to be assured of anything good in this world. things are so messy here and now, so many issues, things that don't look like they're going to turn out well. like the next two years, for example. i hate to say it, but OG prob won't last.. and my class stinks, or have i mentioned that already.

i dunno what's gonna happen in the future, and maybe after a month or two i'll get to know people(if i don't manage to change classes) and i'll go, wupps, sorry.
but seriously, i'm just.. tired of the way things are working out. in the end there's no assurance of happiness anywhere. at the present, people are distracted, just not trying, not interested in trying to get together. insistent on "being who they are", doing "what makes them them". if you are uninterested in improving yourselves, i really don't know what to say or think anymore.. i'll just slowly, back away, then run. as a kid who meets a beast in the woods.

and i don't know what to think of the future either. i thought about it seriously, and i really cannot bear two years alone. i mean, i haven't been close to anyone, but we were always buddy buddy, there was someone there for the simpler things in life when you needed someone, in the teeny tiny way. there was some security, guys who would, i believe, answer the call for help should things start looking really bad and you needed them. but two years, with nobody, just studies, regimentation, toiling with nobody really, except so, so seldom, people who might want to help but can't really.. i may survive, but i don't think i can take that kind of life. not for two years.

then i think past that.. if i look at it realistically, things beyond don't look that good either.. i don't know.. it's just so hard for me to leave it all in His hands.. right after He condemned people whom i care about, for some ridiculous reason or another, He promised to take my into His protection and wipe away all tears. how? and if our relationships are the same as before, our minds are part of our souls, then people still will not be able to truely communicate, understand things.. i'll still be as alone as i am now. and always, people will have their own 'lives'; it's just not possible for people to just live and love, and the people who are to be enough, because they are who they are. to just live with these people and certain things, and that's all we need in life. gah.. i don't know how to explain what i imagine.

let's just put it this way.. imagine just one group of people whom you love. imagine you get a house, a building, so huge, with all the facilities you could ever dream of, tennis, basketball, squash courts, swimming pool, recording, dance, computer studios. the most amazing kitchen, the most incredible stock of food you could imagine. the most beautiful rooms, the best places for fellowship, for sitting and laughing and talking and eating into the night, indoors and out. imagine a place that has everything, physically.

what i know is, we can have such a place in the future, by my Father's grace.. but who will come? none. that's what i fear. because one group of people is not enough, and it's just difficult to imagine different groups of friends merging, joining to form just one, which can coexist like that. and each of us have more friends, out there, more and more, and we just can't get to know all of them. the human mind is only built to know up to 150 people as good friends, "good friends" meaning you know some details about their lives, some happenings. it's not possible for me, and even in this world i can see it's impossible for other people whom i care about. such a scenario just can't happen. people won't come together like that.

and people just.. can't be satisfied. with all these things, we can't just be happy, and create things to do. play games, do stuff together, make music and art, think and talk about all that is was will be. i can just imagine it. people will go, i'm bored, there's nothing to do here, even amidst all the perfection. because that's how people are now.. how will they change in the future? if they do, will they still be them? will i still be me?

the bottom line is, the possible perfection that i imagine is, in fact, impossible under the present circumstances. impossible for me to fulfil, because of the way people are. and i don't know if i can say that i wish they were some other way, because that would just.. change things, and then it gets complicated.

and the possible perfection of the future, and beyond, is also doubtful. i do not know, even in the least, so i cannot really decide whether it will be good or not, but from what little i do know.. it's hard for me to believe that it can be as good as.. i imagine the best to be.

and when the best can never be, as it is for me..
it's like, all hope is lost. nothing can ever be that good, and that fact is thrown right at me.

if not for the hope that my Father gives, there would be nothing left for me in the universe or eternity. what little hope that fuels what little desire to keep living and trying, is the hope that i am wrong, that i actually know nothing whatsoever about what the future would be like, that perfection is actually possible.

but all i have is the promise that He will set things right, that everything will be all right in the end..

and it's just so hard to believe, when i'm already told, and shown through the world and the word, that so many things will go wrong.
0 comments
10:13 pm

Saturday, January 06, 2007

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yeah you see, i wonder and poof.
i'm singing,
oh tell me why
为什么快乐又单纯的年代
消失得那么快
oh tell me why
为什么那些想要
留住的感觉
找不回来

class sucks. yeah. i really don't know what to do there..
people are just so busy with stuff and stuff, but how often do we stop to think, how long can these things last us? throwing so much heart and soul into it, but in the end it has no meaning.
that works in so many ways..

edit:change. change. change.
0 comments
12:59 pm

Thursday, January 04, 2007

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hello.
KI test was good. pretty confident i done good, but i didn't write all that much for the essay, so i'm depending that those fellers who wrote like, 3 pieces of paper, wrote mostly crap. mine's the good stuff, k, hahAha.. just hope i make it.
getting our class allocations tmr.. hope i get a class with some.. people. OG stuffs is muchos bueno, i just wonder if it'll last. haha..

i realized something on the way back on the bus tonight. pretty sure it was something important, but now i can't remember. something philoish and discoveryish about life etcetera etcetera thing. yeah whatever.

here's to 2 years before army green.
0 comments
10:53 pm

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

•

first day was good. pathy raaj junyi prassat cheejun joshua same OG, so.. yeah. new aqquaintances. it's only the first day.. haha..
old friends too.. now we share a space. wonder if we could make it so we share more. natasha, celeste, sharon, of course junyang and ron. arnold duneed to say. am i missing anyone out? tired from newyear's stuff..
stupid grouses and little things bugging me that shouldn't, and i try to tell my soul and heart to shutup, just for a while. sigh.. but i don't even know what i should do. maybe they're right. but part of my soul thinks otherwise. zz. confusing stuff. i won't bother trying to sort it out here, or anywhere, probably.

busy busy. clashing stuff. hope this doesn't last.. i like some control over my time. yeah well. that falls under stupid grouses. next.

oh there's nothing next.
ok. go practice guitar.
i'm tired.
0 comments
9:01 pm

Monday, January 01, 2007

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lol.. great night. the last, that is. i'm outdone in words, so.. the second half, haha..
amanda and jamie had to leave just before the countdown, and pamela left halfway through step up.. gavin came around 3am. after that it gets cloudy, haha.. played some games that timothy and dunno who came up with, people went to shower. at some point people started blanking out.. i dunno about you guys, but at some point at dunno what time, i just woke and and it was like, what the? what happened? everyone's asleep? when did i fall asleep? then i went back to sleep. lol..
in the end everyone woke up at 10+, moped around and did some final cleaning up before heading out.. xinyi picked up her pals and the rest of us went to kfc for breakfast. yeah. that's about it. lol..

all in all, wonderful time.. thanks millions to xinyi for letting us in to mess up the place.. lol..
in the end, i've still got some unanswered questions, things that i wonder about. what people were thinking and feeling at times. but i probably don't need to know.. hmm.. yeah ok.

went home and showered first thing. changed up and grabbed my jacket, supposed to go out and get some curtains to replace that kiddy one i got back in pri sch and a study table.. in the end kept delaying, i fell asleep on the carpet for like, an hour before the old man was ready. yeah, then ikea alexander. zz. i don't like ikea. but budgets are tight.. when were they not. got a plank and stuck legs on it, couldn't find a curtain in the right price range. yeah, more or less end.. haha.. it's the first time in like, forever since i've eaten out with my parents on a weekday. quite.. ok. hahahahhahaa..

said a little prayer for each and every one of you in morning.. it's a little game i play, forming the perfect future that we can make if only we tried. potential is just an attempt to say, hope, in an intellectual way..
i have so much hope for each person.. who we can grow up to be. i pray that it'll turn out as good.. or better. may the Lord provide guidance.. =) for me also.

it seems that over the past year, or past 2 years, i'ved changed so much.. especially over the past few months. i have a new confidence, a new perspective. but i still lack many things.. like direction, in certain matters..

guidance. pray for guidance.
0 comments
11:42 pm