finding the strength

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

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amanda's covered the night's events.. so i'm not going to repeat, haha.. it was great. but i did stupid things that i can't forget, and some that i couldn't even fix on the spot even thought i knew it was going wrong. everyone seemed to listen when jamie spoke, but.. why but? i get the feeling that nothing's going to change.

and the scary thing of it all is that i know i can live without it all. i make my own dreams. my Father is always there, and i can make a new dream should people come and go, change and turn against me. i can make a new dream with just Him and the physical world, if i must. and i will, if i become convinced that all other options are no longer possible. if i'm turned to believe that there's nothing more in this world, other then the world itself. then people will become abstract, part of the physical world, not the spiritual. i can't say that would be a pretty sad existance then, because should such a thing happen, then it was my own illusion all along that the other world was possible. a world with people who saw, and loved.

i hope i've grown enough in the past two years.. so many things never seem to be enough. but everyone, becky, geoffrey, carlos, have helped me realize something. idealistism becomes an indaquate definition: every opportunity in life that comes along, every situation that forms, there's always the ideal, for each individual. or there was, when we were children.. we saw and we dreamed, what if it were that way? what if it were that perfect? and that's what i work towards. i imagine something to be perfect, then i try to achieve it. and it makes me ignore so many things, disconsider so many possibilities, even as i take the restrictions into consideration. past a certain limit, it gets tedious, and easier and easier to ignore, and just strive..

but is it so wrong? to try to be the best elder brother possible in a given situation, to be the best son possible in a given situation, to be the best friend possible in a given situation? to be the best possible kid brother in a given situation? who are we to one another? why can't we just try to be that of our dreams?

something this season just begin to make me imagine, consider. where all i have to be is the best possible son of my Father. where that's the only relationship that matters at all. sigh.. it's not His intent, the most likely, but it can happen. it could happen.

there's a song about our existence that never ends.
there's a song about our love that we must defend.
there's a song about friends that come and go.
there's a song about hope that seems to flow.. and flow..

i can't imagine a time without hope. from my limited perspective, there always seems to be something that could be better.. even when we live with Him in the heavens.

but it could happen.
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11:25 am