finding the strength

say i'm harsh
but ain't nobody the freakin' center of the world
i can live for history and lost love
but can you look upon eternity with me
because i do
i am
this isn't poetry
your lives aren't real
this world might be someone's plaything
but each heart beats anyway
who cares
not the stars
nobody can fill that place
nobody that i've met yet, nobody close
don't nobody presume to be who you aren't
i speak directly to this one, and another, and yet another
don't presume to be in charge
to know things
to not know things
to not be in control
to blame yourself just to make yourself feel better
you're lying
ain't nobody falling for it but you
is' good that you're trying
the rest of the world sits in a trance
but don't for a moment presume that you're going anywhere
the universe already is
things will always be
the work has already begun
we already walk in eternity
i'm not watching and waiting
i have and will continue to see
but don't presume for a moment
to know anything or anyone
don't presume that you know me

0 comments
3:14 pm

Sunday, November 26, 2006

•

music from 4 years back to get the heart beating and voice throbbin'.. eyes watering. shucks.. when i asked toh, he asked me back, do you intend to take up a career in music, i'm like, huhh. there's a dream chucked aside. no music background, no real talent nor looks, there's nothing there for me.. i put it aside a long time ago, i tell me, haah. the art of the place is love, that's what i'm gonna put myself into. no point chasing dreams that can't become reality. when i'm old i'll remember i could have tried and failed, and wonder what it would have been like, but haah, i don't know.

* * *
all's fair in love and war, but nothing really is fair, in the other sense of the word. sometimes i think that what matters is we're aware of what's going on, we know what we're doing, and doing make any careless mistakes that we'd regret. of course, there are bound to be things that we'd regret later, in hindsight, but the best we can do now is what we can with what we know now, isn't it?

well, that's beside it. i'd always believed that i'd be better for me if i kept my peace in such situations.. i've strove for that mark of perfection, however small, and i think, have hit not too far off the mark, to quote a character from fiction.

i can't remember the last time i got totally worked up, but if i ever did it was over schoolwork. school just tends to make people irrational

"Be ye angry, and sin not...." anger without losing one's senses, without losing one's calm. that's what it means, i think.. i've tried, and i don't think i've struck too far. people who know me can testify.. but when i'm pissed i'm pissed, haha.. at the stupidest things sometimes. but seldom. and with my family i'm always calm. lately, anyway. it takes time to grow up.

i think that's enough.. it's pretty obvious what's happening, again.. but i know more now, i've seem more, so i see it in a different way, and react differently.. haiz. independance may be a curse, as is to rule, but sometimes it's the best of a few evils.. i look forward to it, somewhat. i remember the nameless man who wandered the mountains for no other purpose than to wander, and i wonder. haah. how likely is it that i'll meet someone else who isn't just stopping to be mature and thoughtful for a while, then go back to doing ridiculous things. i'm tired of following, in too many senses. i've been far too respectful.

pah, tis a dreary subject. i'm going, going away for a goodly time.. won't be back, but u may hear from a messenger. or maybe i'll quietly meet one friend somewhere sometime.. i don't know when i'm coming back. the more i consider my own curse, the more i lose faith in the hope of finding another.. i've an eternal friend now with me in spirit. so there really is no body here.

yeah, actually it's quite apt. i've lost my blood. it's not something that people who haven't experienced can understand. my blood is now spirit.. insubtantial things run through me. i really do, feel incredibly, desperately sad. and nobody will respond, will they? it's an open ended question, despite it all.
0 comments
11:27 pm

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

•

"since our dreams exist in air
who on Earth can bring us there?
pretty pictures
delusions, hopeful preconceptions
the world is bleak
he said to me
nothing to look forward to
though eternity

abide with me yet
little while
dreams exist
so why not live there
and just think of pretty
things"
nothing much is happening as of yet. a tiny bit of catching up with danne in the night, geof fiona jiamin coming down later, dropping by choir again tmr with kwoks to see how they are and ask toh for some advice. juniors' camp draws near.

a lot to hope for, a lot to look forward to.. how they will truely turn out, noone knows. so men say, the future is in your hands, and others that fate is written in the heavens. but in the end noone knows, so we live life dreaming or in desperation, but life doesn't care. it just goes on.

so why not just accept it and dream, because dreams can last forever, but reality ever changes. coming to terms with the universe. maybe all that matters is that we know that we don't know.

eternity is a long time.. now i understand how people come to the state that they wish they were never born, or ceased to exist. unfortunately it's not possible. not that i do, haah.

i wish for a mind that perishes only with the soul, and true close companionship.. what else lasts forever? what other treasures are there?
1 comments
11:19 am

Monday, November 13, 2006

•

i really want my macbook now -.-

went to collect APR today. all i can say is, disappointing. blah. anyway, looking ahead and making preparations.. yeah.
went down to kino and splurged again.. lol.. 50 bucks! hoo. i'll be broke for a good while now. they didn't have the last book of the belgariad in stock.. hopefully the three gaping empty spots on the eddings shelve will clue the stock-taker in. haah.
went down to see the choir. bass doesn't seem to have improved or deproved at all.. so is that a good thing or bad thing? haah.. but as a whole choir they're sounding much better than before eoys.. but still need to buck up -.- at this standard i think we've only bagged us a silver.

dang itchy fingers go and play with scabs. lol. darn tubes made the wounds heal funny.. started healing once the incision was made and the tubes were placed in. only one of the three is healing normally. gah. stupid, later get 2 funny shaped scars there.

yeah, feeling out of sorts tonight. all the frippery after philosophy. oh well.

idleness.. feeling better now, but my left side's still pretty sore when i get up and down. all i want for christmas is a 6 foot hardwood bo, haah. yeah ok. i'll quit spurting random nonsense.

looking forward to junior's camp. such is the result of idleness on the comp! but then again it's nothing much, nothing at all. darn uber pro people at deviantart. hm, gotta dust off that lousy old camera. not gonna be getting a new one anytime soon as this rate, lol. nonetheless! count me blessings ay. i'm off to st. johns for 4(?) days!

next week reviewing. hope nothing goes wrong THIS time. it had better not, after all that trouble. and all that money wasted on surgery and hospitalization! i can think of oh, just under half a million uses for all that money.

yeah, just let me be an idiot for a while tonight. i've been cooped up too long, my brains are beginning to get poofy round the edges. i gotta.. hang in here until after review. too many things can go wrong.. i just don't dare to risk it anymore. yeah. ok.
1 comments
5:59 pm

Sunday, November 12, 2006

•

a peaceful diversion.. =) i've been waiting. i'm gonna go. i've waited too long not to -.-
3 comments
12:46 pm

•

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turn my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools," said I, "you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said "The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sound of silence"

it means something. please, try to find what. it means a million things at once.
0 comments
12:57 am

Friday, November 10, 2006

•

how does a coconut hit you?
at seven in the morning it in this time of the year, the sun's shining like midmorning, and random frivolous thoughts come to mind, like, it may well be the middle of the morning for some people who've been up for a while for one reason or the other. still, the streets are good and empty. even the maids are long done with the early morning car wash they usually do when i'm setting off to school. oh, there's one. it's probably the middle of the morning for them. and such.

after such a long period away from.. more or less everyone, i've been thinking about the simpler questions in life.. what am i going to do, make of it, this thing and that thing, short term and long term. comtemplate that life as a whole, in general, is never what we expect it to be: more specifically, then next phase of life that we try to prepare ourselves for.. no matter what dreams we have or plans we make, images we have or advice we've gained, it almost always tends to end up a situation which is totally not what you dreamed it to be. usually not as good. but we can adapt, we can accept, because we tell ourselves, this is what i've been working for, looking forward too all that time. i like it, i really do. and we do.

yeah, thinking about the different sides of a person's life. school, hobbies, friends, work, that other sort of work that you want to do, for some reason, but then again don't really want to do; the like. just, organizing thoughts, and in the process coming up with a multitude of new ones, hahaa..

being more conscious of simple thoughts that pop up as i do, normal things. it's nice having a one to one conversation, no matter where or when, or if it's just about simple things.. but it's nicer still to really be able to talk about.. serious things. the weather and present schoolwork and the like.. just seems to be conversation for the sake of it, that doesn't take people anywhere. not that conversation for the sake of it is always a bad thing.

dumdeedum. make myself finish the design tonight, i must have played around with different combinations for 2 hours before i decided, then took a bit of time settling some problems before finishing.. i think it looks good =) just an issue of colors now.. printing on shirts can be tedious x
haiz

and this whole tshirt thing make me notice too.. it's applicable in all situations, that one thing of so many of that issue that i've been thinking about. haah, complicated. people disagree a lot of the time, but a lot of the time also, alongside the disagreement, there is a general lack of understanding of what the other party believes. meaning, with the understanding, the disagreement may or may not remain..

and of course, then the issue at hand that i've always held firmly is that, there are infinitely many levels of understanding, so the only question is, who's on a higher level? because, although two people agree on the same thing, the one who knows more, who perhaps have had a this belief, then gained some knowledge and developed the opposite belief, then once again found that the thing that made him divert was falsified, as well as more evidence leading back to the initial stand, doesn't this person know more than one who simply had the first belief, and had not achieved further understanding of the issue? isn't the former able to act and speak and believe in what he does with more maturity, more firmness? and yet they have the same beliefs. which are you?

haiz.. i'm not sure if you'd understand. a general you, as always, from now till some time.. still, i believe that disagreements may always be there, due to different levels of understanding always, because there is no absolute revealed to our minds at this moment.. we can only hope to progress, and strive to gain greater understanding to act with greater maturity. disagreement should be handled firmly, but not too seriously.. and all things in the end towards learning.

haiz. that paragraph wasn't the topic i was trying to say at all.. but it's still something. maybe it's not the time to mention that yet, in any way. oh well. goodnight, you.
0 comments
10:34 pm

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

•

i think.. i'm beginning to realize how i'm changing, but that's not the focal point to night. it's nice to be able to somewhat live in the present that much more, but the balance isn't always kept.. there has to be a limit.

it's so hard to go and start at the beginning, once again, so i'll start from now. i got back from the hospital around noon today.. hadn't washed my hair in a week -.- and can't shower for 1 more... sooo, went to the hairdresser and blew 9 bucks washing. was worth it thought.. man. i died in the hospital with the hair. yeah, operation, blah blah, i don't really want to think about all those stuff. it's too obvious to say, but i'll say it anyway, and not other things to prevent offending people, but yeah, bad experience, i'm gonna take uber extra care now, and as soon as it's completely healed, woophee. cause, in the past, people kept up with the concert, and the thingies, and the stuff, and it only got me hurt over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. yeah, so i'm gonna keep it tight until i don't break so easily, ok? so don't get offended when i say i don't need people coming down, when they know, or they SHOULD know that it's just gonna get me hurt, again. i mean, ok, so maybe you know that already and nevermind. but no more anyhow. the button's in my hand, i'm not pressing it cause people beg and act nice no more.

ok, rant over. a nice long paragraph, so that nobody will bother reading that. nobody needs to anyway, for.. obvious reasons. but that's done with.

aw gosh i come back online and so many people you make me forget.. hahaa. it makes me think about that saying, how people always think about their dream lifestyle, and forget that what they have now is pretty darn dreamy, and it can be make better if only we try. k.. i'll try to remmeber, for the sake of archiving, and.. selfish reasons, hahaha.. that's something else i'm thinking about, but it's not the sort of thing one can discuss on a blog. heck, how do you even discuss things on a blog? doesn't discussing involve multiple perspective input?

and there was something else i finally realized today, i think.. i'm not sure. i never dare say i am, anyway, haha.. there's just this bad thing, thing, about people, that i never really could put my finger on before. i never knew what exactly was going, on, now i think i have some idea. some people just like to blame themselves for everything. it's the easy way out, not solving any problems, just demanding to take the blame and drop the issue, escape the main problem. it's stupid. please, for your own sake, when i speak random stuff, and anyone speaks random stuff-

ok. since i'm on the topic. you could at least try to learn things from your surroundings, sometimes, couldn't you? or at least more than you are? cause most people, or all people or something, just act, dumb, for no good reason. avoiding everything, just not thinking about it. blind faith can't last for too long. until death, perhaps, but if that's long enough for you, and you're willing to both take the gamble AND live a lie of a life, then there's really nothing i can say. every single thing that happens around us can teach us something, even if what we learn is completely unrelated, if only you think about it. heck, if you think enough about any one thing, you could probably learn almost everything else. something to that effect. the point is, the lessons link on, and on, and on. they stop when you stop thinking about things to learn, observations to make, situations and examples to gain understanding, maturity, experiece.

some people may have thought about this and just said, it's too much. i'm happy as i am, i'm not going to conjure up imaginary foes for me to defeat and make myself high and mighty. you're the fool, bothering yourself with this.
some people say, come on, just relax. you're thinking too much. every other time we speak, people tell me, stop thinking. how can i stop thinking?

how could you?

surely you were at some point?
you were giving the ability to. why live as a fool? knowledge requires years and lifetimes and extreme dedication.. but only a select few are willing to dedicate their lives to this sort of stuff. i personally don't see the point, as of yet, becuase there are certain things that i shouldn't know now, and i mostly couldn't know them if i wanted to. and i may not know these gaps of knowledge exist, and so on and so forth.

the point is, just try, to be mature.. gain understanding. maybe it gives an odd sort of peace, but that's not the point, exactly. the point is.. i don't know. it's frustrating to see people i care about.. bah. people will just get offended because of this outbreak. so fine, if you think that i'm not talking about you, go ahead. i'll.. not say anything to discourage your thinking, but i think what i think. the best that i can, until proven false, and always, trying to prove things both false and true at the same time. passivity.. bah. i just got back from the hospital what drove me to get me into this.. oh yeah. my mom.

ok.. lol. some people may find it ironic, but i think this is somewhat deeper than this. an interesting video.. as as per normal for talkingkok, the direction of the accusation is unclear, and it's quite obviously to both sides, unless you're.. i won't say it. anyway, it's another thing to think about, another day. ocassionally i'm content dreaming also. how my life will develop. to combine dreams with honest possibilities.. haha.

oh the vid. here.

hm yeah. i've clean forgotten everything else. oh! ok. hm, raffles voices.. haha.. for some reason i came back today, discharges from the hospital, opened the notebook computer and googled "raffles voices". haha.. seems some people from the public have a good opinion of us too.. blogs and stuff. ah.. as i thought. you can always anticipate and wonder what it'll be like, and regret and try to cherish it while it lasts, but you never miss something truely that much until it's gone, done and over.

right now, i'm probably not part of "us" anyway. not going for tour, my health wouldn't have allowed it if i had gotten the cash, so good thing i didn't and waste it all, haah. a blessing in that sense.. but i'll miss the people. the sad thing is, time will move on, we'll move on the JC, grow up, and the raffles voices will be newer, younger people whom i don't know. and these people may not have our spirit.. but the hope that it'll pass on is there, haah. i'll be sure to stop over time and again, but it won't be the same.. singing with us. yeah well. sad case with no pun indended.

sadder still, i have doubts about chorale.. mostly about the people i'll be in there with. not to go into detail: people whom i've met before, and thus have preconceptions about be. furthermore, almost 1/2 of them will be such people. i don't like it. yeah, well. yeah, well.

k, done for now. ciao.
0 comments
8:13 pm

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

•

hello, world.
please gain some humility
and don't mess with things you don't understand.

going for checkup again. pray i don't get warded this time.
ciao
0 comments
3:00 pm