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Tuesday, October 31, 2006
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hello! haah k it's been a really long time hasn't it. seems that way anyway. hm what's been happening? hm starting from the recent.. belgariad is coming into my possession gradually, hmhm. several things to think about, amusing diversions. what is, is there a specific purpose in life? lol.. and various others, of course, but that one just came to me. and reasons. and other things. ok.yeah ok the lung. dumb thing keeps breaking just after it gets fixed, every time i go to the hospital for a final in-case checkup, tadah! actually it's deteriorated! and you're gonna have to waste more time in the hospital! and you're gonna have to waste the holidays doing nothing if you don't wanna die! and the rest of your life too! bloody lung. yeah, i'm pretty pissed about it. it's interrupting everything. hm what else. yeah well, no essay today. i'm coming to understand how hard it can be to read essays on things that you feel are quite pointless and well, just about a person talking about himself. i just realized i don't have that much to say on what happened anyway. since the last post - geof flew, finished seeing the biennale, messed around, poked hole and sucked out air frmo bubble in lung, wasted time in hospital, wasting time at home not being able to to anything with a constantly failing internet, yeah. that's it. a lot of things to think about suddenly, its' hard to dwell, sometimes i just find myself wandering off and doing stuff. it's like some subconsciousness is still trying to make me not think, lol. yeah, i'm reading too much belgariad. but it's thought-provoking, and that's what counts. yeah.. somehow feeling lethargic too. room redesign.. suddenly it seems too much of a hassle and waste of money, with the lung thing. anyway, parents gonna wait till the other place is sold till doing some stuff, so might as well wait and do at the same time. lol. excuses. for similiar reasons, kayaking and training is put off for some time. oh, submitted subject combination today.. praying hard i'll get it.. but i'm not placing my hopes too high.. H2math, H2physics, H2chem, KI, and H1 econs. and of course i'll be taking chinese H1.. zz. hm design is something i can spend my time doing, i guess.. and jap... well.. it's just, hard. -.- i sit down with the books and before i can begin already have a sian feeling. i need some motivation man. something more obvious and less future-thingy-like. hm ok. going through that old list has given me new idea, haah. maybe it's time i sketched out full diagrams of those two designs i had.. should be interesting going into detail. not very much is laid down, actually, just the concepts. hm. no more hardcore blogging. internet lets me online occasionally only, when the router and modem both decide to work at the same time. stupid ancient stuff. anyway, i just somehow never have that mood anymore. i get a lot of thoughts, but it's just.. both consciously and subconsciously, i just don't wanna say it anymore. i dunno. it just seems quite pointless. maybe it's good enough that i know. maybe.. in the future, when i'm some old man, haah. but chances are at that time even fewer ppl would be interested in the things the idle greek philosophers busied themselves with. 9:32 pm Monday, October 23, 2006
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 first singapore biennale was great. still have the smaller places to visist, but been to old city hall, tanglin camp and national museum already. it's just interesting to think, however amazing the artwork, it's just one piece of artwork amongst so many. it'll never last, physically, or in the minds of anyone. sooner or later, the novelty of the art becomes, that thing is weird, and eventually, forgotten. the more fortunate, if you could call them that, are just pieces of history. and seriously, nobody likes history that much, lol. ok, that was random. geof's flown off with aileen, have fun lol. 4.30am in the morning, i'm sorry i couldn't have been there. stupid lung's healing though, i think i'll be alright soon. now it's just pain, i can breath a lot better. no singing yet though, don't want to risk it. pressure.  k, i wrote all that way back then. just posting it up.. proper update later. 3:05 pm Friday, October 20, 2006
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i'm gonna push it back, because i'm really feeling physically lousy right now.lol, i was just about to spam, but then started talking about the past. thinking about it, i really had a great childhood.. haha.. america really is quite a nice place when you're a kid without a care in the world.. the juice box culture, the natural greens of the suburbs, there were just so few people in the world, and everything was so perfect. i never really went to the city until we left monterey.. hahaaha.. and i don't remember anything of them really. but those were the days. too bad i didn't even realize i was living them when i was. and too bad that childhood is over. anyway. yeah ppl, someone really took my breath away.. lol.. before yesterday night it was just pain, plus it was getting better. then suddenly this. it's like my lungs refuse to inflate enough, just can't breath. so many things planned for today, so many things to achieve. so many things planned for these days after exams, and all taken away because of this wretched lung problem. so many things in the past, so many things in the future, as always. so many things to long for, so many things to worry about. so, everything was called of today, i'm gonna plan for tomorrow anyway. yup. been wanting to go and see the singapore biennale, but with all the projects and assignments, then exams.. just found out tomorrow is the 2nd last day they have those nifty badges, haha.. nice memento for the biennale, somehow this year it's such a big deal. i want! so, hopefully tomorrow the haze isn't too bad, but bad enough to deter too many people from going down and koping all the badges.. haha.. i'll just take it slow and hope i don't drop dead. thankfull, kino is in the area, i can finally go and start picking up the belgariad. it'll be a source of money wastage for a while.. picking up the 13 books. lol.. the fantasy bug. it had better not last. hm, but somehow i seem to remember it striking before.. sometime. also, part of then biennale is around tanglin, so i'm gonna waste a little time in that quiet little my cd shop and see if i can find some panpipe stuff, and some new bossa nova.. haha. supposed to crash jiamin's flag day also, but no idea where that is and when, so it's pending. sunday morning geof is flying off.. now i'm beginnig to think it may not be such a good idea spending the night at changi alone. but then how to send off?! gah wdv. then, the first yinC after eoys. no choir this week though, i wouldn't have been able to sing anyway. arnold and geof overseas till 30th, I HAD BETTER BE COMPLETELY WELL BY THEN you heard ah lung. or saw. or something. breathed. yeah, i'm not in that mood. mood mood. it's all about moods, isn't it. moods and logic. how do they get along with each other, in the same body? compromises.. intertwining? blah. i know it wasn't gonna last, and it didn't, but sometimes i still wish. it had. anyway, looking ahead, i dunno what i want anymore. so, as jiahui keeps saying over the radiowaves in the night, maybe work will do it. time to quite being a useless crap. don't wanna continue.. more crap will come out, now's not the time; physical torture not enough ah! gah this morning there was this really pro baritone on the radio, sang l'amore la musica or something. that song was beautiful man, started out sounding like song contemporary jazz, then became this awesome.. thing. it was just, awe. man, to sing like that. i gotta find that song XD kae off with me. instead of posting lyrics, . i really need to sing again.. come back to me, breath. 8:51 pm Tuesday, October 17, 2006
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in summary:angst all round nobody's talking major fud in the rain, the pavement shines like silver said: fud? in the rain, the pavement shines like silver says: fear, uncertainty and doubt? let those who don't feel the burn be still, and let things run their course.. nobody knows what's going on. but it has to end sometime. i felt like writing the stories of all my dreams and fantasies, but then i found that there were neither words nor sounds nor concrete images. that's the ideal world.. with no rules, but everything flows like a dream. an endless cycle of problems and resolutions, with all the quirks and love and humor. two more words to come: i need to think about both sides, to review. this doesn't count. 11:10 pm Monday, October 16, 2006
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will we act like complete strangers? it's too easy to. but aren't we now. if two people have never really spoken, never really met, never really done anything together, what other name can you give but, stranger. it's just that in the all guys environment in school, you don't have to think too much about other people's feelings, in the sense that there's a common understanding, or at least some preconceptions of others that give some measure of tolerance and acceptance. then outside, begin to think, what if this, what if that, what if they see it this way? or that? or the other? interpret the wrong way? what sort of message am i trying to put across anyway?so nobody really does anything more than give a glance of recognition, or a nod or a 'hi', when you see someone you recognize, and you know they recognize you, but the relationship between two of you has never been anything more than that. what more if, the other party doesn't even seem to recognize you anymore. it's like waking up after a reboot, a period of stasis. systems begin to run again, all the same applications reopen, with some new windows, and new files to settle. most will probably never be settled, till the end of time.. but maybe i'm having too idealistic an idea of eternity. struggling to think, maybe it's better to be alone, than to not and suffer despite. it would, in a sense, just make it a sort of cruel irony.. zz hello world. why are you this way and not another? another entirely? that's how fantasy came about, i'm guessing. i once thought, why not just ask questions? things that you don't know and wish to know, ask and find out. but it's not that simple.. and it's not about logic. nonetheless, let me treat this as another experiment, if i dare to risk all these things i love. i own nothing, anyway. i've only been taught as much as Job, and in a less cruel way? or more? revelation with no respite, i'm in control of nothing, i AM nothing. i can contribute to nothing, everything just will be done. i couldn't help myself, and even after that i still can't really help anyone. everything i do is inconsequential. what is eternity? everpresence? what is eternity without being able to play some part in it? ok. i'll bet this much, then, if only because i don't know what else to do. it's not that i can't stand passivity, watching and waiting, knowing there will be no outcome, just existence. what if i play it and lose it all? it's all in Your hands, Lord, and there's nothing i can do about it. i just hope i'm right, and i don't hurt anyone. 10:33 pm Friday, October 13, 2006
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of late the sound of music in my life has.. faded. the sound of the music that i loved, voices. i listen and sing in my head, but i can't sing now.. i don't know why. it's like.. i just shouldn't.it's happening again, and i'm not responding as usual, of course. it's an unnatural obsession, no point putting in the effort to think about it. or rather, i don't want to think about it; i can brood over it enough without making myself know more about it. i just can't bear to think about it. i can wonder about related things, though.. by faith i understand reality to some extent. don't bother arguing with me about the flaws in that statement, just know that i already know, and i believe just the same. it's not something you understand, if you're asking, and it's not likely you'll be interested to hear the explanation, so just leave it. by faith i know generally what is, and what will be, but sometimes.. i wonder, what if it were something else, if something from our imagination was real. it is from our minds and dreams, and we are from Him - is there no relation? i wonder if such an alternative reality could be possible. and since it cannot, i just wonder about it in general.. i don't know what i'm thinking about anymore, haah. ah whatever. i wanted to talk about the metaphysical today, but i cannot express it. the first day is over; five papers remain. so it has begun; so it will run its course till the end. happy friday the thirteenth. 10:05 pm Thursday, October 12, 2006
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eoys begin tmr, and here i am. haiz. i think i'll take my mind off tomorrow's three papers for a moment.. but it's getting late. gah.looking for quieter music to listen at night whilst mugging.. tension just fits in so perfectly, even the faster paced songs. i think it's just the tone of the singers.. the quality of their voice. it's just that sort of boyish, peaceful, relaxed tone. i'm kinda glad i was first exposed to them.. it's affected my approach and tone somewhat, when i'm singing properly, not just choral singing. still a long way to go there, and many directions to develop in.. so little time. gotta get started. a fresh start awaits.. may i have the wisdom and maturity to use this opportunity well.. right, continue mugging, lol. ciao` 11:54 pm Tuesday, October 10, 2006
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stupid chin yang's got me captivated by the belgariad now.. sigh. too many worlds in my head, but as said, if only for the sake of opening one's eyes, gaining new perspectives. but when will i find my Ce'Nedra? lol. now is the time to roll your eyes.hm, still doing homework instead of mugging for exams, i figure i'm quite doomed. but haven't given up yet, of course.. that tends to come at the last minute, and so willingly i'm afraid. it's like, at 3am in the morning with this project that threatens to make me fail the subject and get me retained is hanging there, but even as my spirit is sober, my breathing is.. ghostly. like i'm breathing wisps of grass with each inhale, exahle, inhale, exhale.. and something inside says, give it up, go and sleep. you may or may not be able to complete it even if you stay up, but just go to sleep. sometimes i trick myself into lying down for a moment, and however uncomfortably i arrange myself, i somehow will drop off into sleep.. yeah well, it's the stories that have made me so. i'm in a frame of mind i haven't visited for some time.. i'm not really that impressed by epic fantasy tales, usually. but now is kind of a bad time.. with exams, and so many other things that are needed, besides getting me the series! i tend to buy books that i have read and know or that i have a hunch that there is this re-reading value in it, that i learn something very important, or that there are infinite possible lessons i can teach myself with the book, if i put myself down with it and some time. this is such a case, and considering my empty pockets, i'll have to get myself acquainted with several 2nd hand bookstores. maybe chin yang can help me.. haha. but pushing aside the other thoughts, it's something to sigh about again, in a new light. i never allowed myself to think about that for some time. i'll take a moment to say, forgive my obscurity, but those who are knowing enough to understand what bothers me, those people i don't worry for having knowledge of these personal thoughts and wonderments.. haha. quite frankly, being in an all-boys school for four years does do something to you, however much contact you have outside. we get a lot more freedom, and we all relish it incredibly, treasure and guard it greedily.. but next year it'll be gone, you know. and everyone reacts differently to the environment without girls.. i'm almost certain certain people will benefit from the presence of members the fairer sex.. haha.. people need to get a life -.- what i'm saying is, what i thought of today, when i was supposed to make my oral presentation but didn't, because i really hadn't prepared at all. it's the same thought, that everyone reacts in certain ways to certain situations, dependant on their beliefs and character, but placing that into this scenario, and with these people, the possibilities become a little more limited, and it is quite diverting to think about.. haha.. some people will learn to leave their books a while, some people will mellow down, some people will open up, perhaps some people will become a little wiser and mature. it's all empty speculation of course, but it is interesting, and all the more so when one begins to consider oneself. but then again, since i know myself, somewhat.. hahaha.. i have some idea of what it would be like. i am no one in the Belgariad. people tend to struggle to stick people into classes, even themselves, but i'm afraid it's not going to work this time. on the more comprehensible plane, i'm worried about CCAs also. toh has a reputation of forcing choristers to devote themselves wholly to choir or not take part at all.. i get the feeling he resents even time we put aside for studies. i can't live that kind of live in JC.. i made the mistake of playing out and shy once, twice, thrice, it's not going to happen again if i can help it. the least i can do is throw myself into things. besides, these are things i want to do, and as much as i love singing, which is incredibly more than the impression i'm probably giving you now or ever, i don't want to miss out on the other things. i need to learn: gain all those perspectives, knowledge, views. i need to understand all the possibilities. i don't know why, i just need to. sigh. the human mind truely has the capacity to be so.. complicated by thoughts. even without that people are confused enough by emotions. aw man. what am i doing. i had better get out of here.. lol. ciao. 6:54 pm Sunday, October 08, 2006
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zz, stupid stuff, eoys begin this friday and still there is hw. we dun need to mug ah. dumb raffles teachers. english oral defence, including portfolio and various crap, lit CRP and english book review, the last of which should be somewhat entertaining at least. good thing it's just SS and english and chinese this friday, so that the traditional last minute mugging won't be interupted.meeting today was diversion enough, after that went home and ended up doing loose physics excercises and chinese stuff. exams will be in the rajaratnam block thing, which is containing more or less the entire school, together with the junior block. the whole freaking admin block is a ghost town now, lol. come to think of it, there's probably enough space in the campus to chuck in RGS's enrolment, considering how there are gonna be some more classrooms in the new block(supposedly), the fate of the senior block is unknown, and the staff rooms are presently vacant. lol.. also, that would probably make the raffles campus a prime terrorist target, since supposedly by bombing the place they get rid of a goodly portion of the future political and economical leaders of singapore. got some interesting ideas for shirt design, but wonder if it's a bit too much.. well, won't know until they're thrown out for critique, and there's no time to do it now, stupid exams. maybe i'll start once i'm halfway through the exams. after exams, throw the stuff at me! wanna stay busy, there shall be no warming up time next year man. full steam. hm other than that nothing much to talk. every day climb six storeys up to classroom, then down for assembly, then up for lessons, then down for chinese, then up after chinese, then down after lunch, then up after lunch, then down after school. and on top of that most days have at least one period that requires us to go out somewhere else other than chinese, and the lift whole day spoil and is for teachers only(muaha), so we're all gonna become super fit or something, whole day running stairs to get to classes. 9:28 pm Sunday, October 01, 2006
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time to count down- twenty days to liberty.stuff i haven't been mentioning.. RJ talk on friday was more or less the same things they've been telling, but meeting some of the big shot teachers over there in the flesh, it's kind of reassuring. of course, taking it with a healthy dose of skepticism, but still.. it does look better than the situation at RI. they've got everything planned out.. which may sound normal, but it's not what happening in RI, so, sucks to be us. at least in a couple months it'll be history.. but then again there are still good memories in this place. won't exactly have a proper farewell with choristers, sadly.. they're all busy preparing for the prague trip, and i'm still pretty chafed at not being able to go, for this ridiculous reason. zz.. class spirit is just a spirit, we may yell hey! and dance around, soccer, but not really that close. for me, anyway. going to try hard for KI, but i don't know how possible 2.8 is now.. just too many variables. just hope a miracle happens, or i'm stuck with H2 geog, something i haven't been doing for 2 whole years. preparing myself mentally for RJ.. gotta get serious now.. schedule everything out, keep busy. i've wasted far too much time this year when i had stuff i wanted to do, or had to. chorale, (unless i find something else), mugging, project work, independent study if i get KI, kayaking, gym, and singing.. and of course my design. of course there's a list of short term goals, which i shall dive into once the exams are over.. certain questions i need answers to, things i have to go out and think about. things have been changing a lot, and i need to go out and do the thing again. hmm.. on the subject, i'm starting to think of things i would like to do on top of these also.. shall try to get into that mood quick, try to visit huiqi jie.. man. it's been forever since i've seen her.. wonder what it'd be like to see her again, lol. since everyone will be overseas and stuff, i'll have too much personal time as it is. i highly doubt that i'll be taking any new courses that i've been thinking about.. just live and learn. hahaa.. take it as.. the last bit of unscheduled life for a while. *break* hm that was a long break. i picked up an old article about this journalist whose friend helped him realize that he was attracted to funny girls, and then i noticed something about.. well you get the idea, lol. zz i'm off. may these days pass quickly, and may the outcome be.. a good one. yep. 8:35 pm |