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Saturday, September 30, 2006
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it's saturday. flipping the papers over lunch, bush is at it again. america really is becoming no better than the terrorists..flipping through thoughts and places, people i want to touch again. people wandering the world, going about their stuff.. i wonder what you're doing now? each of you.. i want to take the one in my arms again and whisper in your ear, don't you ever get tired of complaining? i'll tap your shoulder in everland this time around and ask for an hour. and the whole bunch of us would bounce every other city in the world we can think of. but these things are great because they're special, and in our day to day life, that's where i hope all of us will find peace. and that we'll keep each other in mind and within reach.. don't distance yourself. that's what i hope. 4:20 pm Thursday, September 28, 2006
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i sometimes wonder about thinking. you know how metacognition is thinking about thinking? what if you thought about thinking about thinking? would that make you metametacognating or something? it's an endless list huhh. and then there'll probably be cheaters.. they'll just think about the word metacognition, wondering what it means, and then TADAH! they're actually thinking about thinking about thinking.on the more serious note, i sometimes wonder about thse people around me.. somehow they're placed right there, but we're not like, in on each other's presence or something. something like that. people.. older and me by a little, seen more stuff, done more stuff, know more stuff. i wonder if it's really because of the few more years they're had, they just have this little glow about them.. first i want to become a part of their lives, and don't know how, i want to learn from them but i'm not eligible, but i can be a distant corner that you sometimes recall. but that's probably the problem in the first place, isn't it. but.. somehow i just can't make myself do something about it. pushing onwards, thinking maybe we can talk when i'm a little older, and people will begin to take notice of the words of a boy whose grown some. but it's probably all a falacy.. i should be able to do all that now, and i can't so i won't necessarily be able to in the future. now isn't that right? zz k. basically i wan't trying to think so much, just noted that.. there are people that i.. would love to have in my life in that kind of role. a mentor, a friend. a big bro or sis there. gah. nevermind. it's not about giving or recieving, but the presence.. that's what i.. thought. i think i still think so. yay metacognition. ok, what i wanted to say didn't really come out. hm. till next time then. 9:51 pm Tuesday, September 26, 2006
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happy times as the days fly by~happy birthdays to fiona and sokyin! sunday was fun, lol. aiyah, holidays also become so screwed, cause everyone is flying everywhere at different times. must have chalet, yep. must get arnold to show me down to pasir ris, then can hardcore kayaking while they're overseas. sian lah, all of you fly here and there i'm stuck here. now the days seem to past faster, like suddenly pOof and it's week three. good in a way, the EOYs will be over before i know it, but that also means they'll be here before i know it..! argh.. only halfway through bio, and i started two weeks ago or something. not that i've been doing all the while, but still.. better pick up the pace. people will be missed in junior's camp.. xinyi and pamela not going, who else eh? all so sneaky. zz.. still don't have much idea what's going on, but i think i'm still cameraman, and now i'm supposed to play guitar or something. logo design is scary. what if you don't like it? 0.o lol. whole list of things to do. get a pair of shoes to replace my lousy rotting pair, gonna get daily contacts cause of stupid dry eyes. and on the greedy side, i've been lusting over motorola's green pebl for forever.. since they began advertising before it was even on sale. and then they made a matt green one, so woOhoo! lucky i didn't buy first. the more reviews i read of it, the more certain i am. lol ok, shutting up. on the archs side, to cut the long story short, i met an old architect, and i've realized it's long past time to stop thinking and start doing. so i'm going to start.. picked up some pointers from the old guy.. nothing too much really. hm.. i'm just glad i'm starting now, that i didn't wait even longer to begin what i could have begun before. as a footnote, i've discovered the infinity pool. hm.. i want to make a style that's uniquely mine.. nowadays locally i'm seeing too much replication, boring "modern design" styles chucked everywhere.. i will create my own way =) i'm on the way there. and i'll get there, because i want to do it my way, but i'm not afraid to learn from what's already been done. sigh =] i have to say i'm content with the way things are going at the moment.. they're still spamming projects so close to EOYs, but nothing too major, just one for every alternate subject, and i think they'll be over soon.. but maybe it's cause i haven't had the time to think. hm.. or rather, that for some reason, i just haven't been thinking in such a way that i get.. all depressed. dunno what happened.. haha.. but i'm good with life now. things could be better, but i'm sure they will, and i'll work towards them. i love us sbbc peeps, dyf, my singing and my design, and that's good enough for me now.. i'll work on these, and i'll begin to do the things i've always wanted to, because i've realized that there was never anything holding me back from just beginning. i'm content =) 8:53 pm Saturday, September 23, 2006
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why do you fade?your green turns to grey the stories i told of you to children who never knew the pictures they drew of you and i 1:49 pm Wednesday, September 20, 2006
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write me a storysing me a song show me the people with whom you belong blow me a bubble draw me a heart measure the distance of two souls apart bring me tomorrow give me your hand show me the footprints you left in the sand somewhere close by fingers run through your hair hear a voice whisper your name in five years time, i swear. 10:50 pm Tuesday, September 19, 2006
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zz wasting time. geof come and throw blogthings at us. zz.. i think i should probably boycott the com like jiamin. k.. maybe i should like.. go now. or soon. yep. 10:22 pm •
you know, when it comes down to what kind of life i would want to make this, there are just so many considerations. but if you can imagine why i chose architecture.. perhaps you could gain some idea. i don't imagine it to be just dwelling in the art of the place all the time, but even for all the work that i hear is neccessary, it would be worth it. to have the place and the time and the people, the atmosphere, the passion and desire, the presence of these people.humans are such unfanthomable creatures. 8:28 pm Sunday, September 17, 2006
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today got me excited over juniors camp at the end of the year.. haha.. yeah, i find something special about st. johns too. really looking forward to those four to five days.. although geof and fiona will be flying off halfway through the camp, so i can't send them off.. sad case. ahh but the place will calm me down and i can always make a call. the advantages of modern technology.as for the camp itself.. i think i'm going to be photographer, unless there's dire need for me to be something else.. i more than don't mind it this way, actually.. haha.. let me explain. firstly.. i'm really not such a good teacher. i know, you're going to say, well, that's why i should learn, you think i can do it, and i know i can too.. but i just find it hard to.. teach in such a formal way, and i really don't know the junior chapel that well to talk and discuss properly. and frankly, it may be partially cause i want to not be so.. worried about doing something that i find hard. lol.. i know it's wrong to be this way, but.. if you can forgive me, truthfully, this junior's camp.. would be a sort of meditation for me.. to immerse myself in the Spirit, amongst His children.. calm myself and sort out my thoughts. and i'd rather be able to help out in all aspects, to learn a bit of everything.. music and publicity, whoever else needs me, i'm ready to work =) lesson planning? hahaah.. i just find it hard to speak with authority i dare not claim. hm.. k. back to the real world for a second, chin yang kindly reminded me about two essays i have to write by tomorrow, which i thought weren't due till dunno when?! chinese prelim coming loh lol. i've got several ideas for shirt designs.. gotta get down to actually drawing them.. yep. oh, gotta get hold of the mini songbook for the camp and make i know the chords for all the songs.. i'll be a good understudy =) 10:54 pm •
the wise man percieveth what he so desires to; unclean things pass unobserved."verily say i unto you, i love thee better unadorned by the vanities of this world. yet is it true, as the philosophers speak-love countheth for nothing unshewn? hear the boy with years upon his brow: sad the woman bearing the strong man who cannot but fight. man, so made in the image of God, blaspheme unrestrained through their daily acts about the earth; yet count they for so much in His eyes. do we suffer as much as we testify? have you not your beloved about you, and God's grace abiding? His grace is sufficient for me; these things spake the boy of asia. so count not any of my words for truth, but judge with exceeding care, according to the scriptures given unto us by the inspiration of God." 2:35 pm Saturday, September 09, 2006
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for all the things i forgot, i hope. i'll work backwards, and hope i don't leave anything out.once upon a time(because stories that begin with that always have a good ending), a song began to play. it was the sort of song that everyone loved, played over and over and over. you would hear it in malls, at parties, in clubs, on everyone's playlist. it's the kind of song i don't want to play again so soon, for fear that it'll lose its uniqueness. in case i'll become unable to draw the message i do from it for hearing it too much. three days ago, i received a message. yesterday i understood what it meant. now i'm on space two; thinking about deciding how i'm going to prepare, because before i was just thinking about thinking how i'm gonna prepare. when you want to achieve something, you have to work on it; not just think about how much you want it, how much you'd be willing to throw into it, all the things you could do to prepare yourself for it. to do it. i must be pretty dumb, to realize all that only now. everytime i look at the world around me, i wonder how these people are looking at the world around them. everyday we see such pretty things; and really, we can only be thinking one of two things. one would be, oh, things just seem better for others, we're really all the same. the other would be, life is so unfair. it depends on how you look at it at that moment, doesn't it? and sometimes, i kick back at myself, when i think the former; i tell myself: ah, you see things then you go 酸葡萄. and when the latter comes to me, i go, no point blaming life, just take what you have and start making it better for goodness sake. do what's important to you. then, taking a step back, all the rebuttals could really go on and on. there's no point comparing; the same way there's no point reasoning with people who are unreasonable. it's just that, it never occured to us to stop comparing, just like how people just keep arguing, and arguing, and arguing, getting madder and madder at their adversaries, at other people, at the world, at themselves. certain things there's just no point trying to do anything about it. but which are these? might school be one of these? 5 years ago, PSLE was incredibly important, Os, As, university were so far away. 3 years ago, PSLE diminished to next to nothing, Os replaced with coursework that was supposed to relieve us of our stress; but did they?. As were still in the distant horizon; it was too early to worry about it, they told us. university was not visible. 1 year ago, PSLE was gone, coursework was killing us, there was so much more to worry about than As, university was on the brink of my mind, but how about others? today, i'm blank, when i shouldn't be; or i think i shouldn't be: that's what they're telling me. PSLE is gone, of course. but then i look back, and i think about how they kept telling me that those years were of no importance, there was nothing i could do to aid my future, other than just get good grades. and if i didn't there went my future. but now, i look back, and i wish i had done so many things, because yesterday i learnt that things that a few people around me were doing, though unconsciously, were the things i needed to do. and those were the times when it didn't matter that i didn't know how, because everyone was just beginning to learn. now it's too late; too late to learn new things already. it's only the last year of junior high, and it's already too late. too late to do all those things, which i may or may not have enjoyed, but would have done for the sake of working towards my goal. those things that i would have enjoyed, because they were part of working towards my goal. i'll stop there, because that's where i am now; in the middle of nowhere, halfway through, but knowing that i'll find out that the road's really much longer; it's something i'm making myself not think about now, subconsciously, because there are more important things that i should concentrate on now. but i'm not; i don't know why i can't make myself. ok. let me take a step back and think about what i'm trying to do now. so far.. the things i've worried about, that i'd wished i'd done earlier, were in fear that i wouldn't be able to study architecture in university; that i wouldn't be able to go and learn from people everywhere, because i believe that i need to learn from everywhere before i can become what i want to be. so right now it's all about getting into university, because i'm assuming that beyond that, there's nothing i can do about it now; besides, if there were, i'm too stressed up to think about it now. why am i? oh ya. school work. that's important too, right? coursework that goes into my permanant record, testimonials from teachers who don't know us at all, except what the universities want to know; how do we study, how do we cope. and they probably won't like they hear about me, because school is where i'm screwing up. i just can't do school; don't tell me that i have to, or that everyone else can manage, why can't you? i already know these things, and i've already told you, i don't know. so go ahead and say it's my own fault for not trying hard enough, because that may well be so, but i'm really confused right now; i've got too many things to consider, so many things to worry about, because i'm really aware of more things that a normal person is, and right now it isn't a good thing. it just makes me really confused. i don't even know what i want to do anymore; i don't even believe i'll be satisfied even if i had the assurance that everyone i loved would be with me in eternity anymore; because i should be able to do more. such are the talents that He has given me, and i fear i'm incompetant. i can't return the ten for the five; i'm not good enough. but then back to the issue. the other thing, besides coursework and certificates, would be ability, of course. can i do the things i want to, would i be able to learn? i have to start now, get the basics. it makes me wonder again why i want to badly to do something that i'm so apparently not suited for, so lousy at. i need to learn, i want to find teachers now, other people like me, who are already working towards this thing they want to acheive. maybe i could learn from them, maybe i could contribute back so i wouldn't feel guilty. my mind deviates from the task again, i have to force myself back. but i can't. there is more than this in life, things that i used to fear more, because i didn't know about these. but everything i do now is unsatisfactory; to myself, and most definitely to many others. they should be, anyway, and i, just don't know anymore. stop or continue, it isn't good enough. i will be nowhere, and that is only a bad thing because i could be exactly where i should be. i don't know how i know that, because everything points to me not being able, but i just know it. but i'm not progressing.. i'm digging obstacles in my path. i'm not doing things that i need to, the same way i hadn't done things that i needed to. the difference now is that i know what i need to do, and am unable. in the past, i didn't know, and so continued happily to suffer later. what will come next? will the road be closed completely? the more i write, the more frustrated i become, because i know for a fact that nobody can understand what i've written, because it is not something that can be understood. you have to be in the position. and i'm incapable of making people understand. my writing doesn't even give me that good feelign anymore. i'm fooling myself; i'm not doing it even though i'm supposed to be capable; everyone is telling me i'm capable, aren't i capable? if i'm capable, then it must be my own fault for it not happening. but why aren't i doing it..? why can't i do it? why does nothing come from anything? i can do nothing about it. i can do nothing. if i can't do anything, then why, i must be a nothing. 5:49 pm Monday, September 04, 2006
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from whao.. You scored as Passion. You are very passionate whether that passion is good or evil has yet to be determined. You have great power over others and they seem to flock to your service. You are very competitive almost to a fault. Perhaps you should let someone else win for a change?
What do your eyes reveal about you? |
8:54 pm