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Thursday, December 29, 2005
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aack. it was a trap.i know i said, but.. realizing that whenever i try to get down, everything is just doom and despair. why. just feels.. bad. 10:53 pm Wednesday, December 28, 2005
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school's really starting, which is going to mean no more online stuff. ever. mostly. except maybe on weekends, if i can make it down to somewhere if i can finish my hw.but otherwise, this year i cease to exist.. ashamed, yes. i have to pull up my grade point average by what, 50% to get into the course i want in JC. cause i only realized at like, the end of this year that sec 3 grade is taken into 50% consideration for JC admission. and i'm not allowed to take O levels. i did 55% this year, need an average of 70% to get into the course i want. ho hum. i'm doomed. therefore, since i'm doomed anyway, might as well start thinking about appealing, and other measures, blahblah. yeesh, the media is really stressful, you know? dumb people from CHI going aorund saying, "oooh, i get loads of leadership opportunities and projects and chances to guide the student body and guide my student life" and crud like that. bullcrud. 450 people are led by an exclusive team of about 25 people for any one event, and there would be around 10 people who will always be present in this committee at any given event. my point is, yeesh, i'm so doomed, i'm going to try right for the top, because if i can't get in like that, i'm not getting in. heck, better to see it harsher than take it too lightly. i probably don't want to know if it really is easier than i think to get into JC and Uni and get into the course i want. this year's gonna have to be miserable.. so i'd better start conditioning myself for it.. past couple of days been going nuts doing nuthin, more or less. nothing usefu. you know, like the last few days of life. spent doing, nothing. anyway, gotta try to get into another mode. doesn't exist yet. better happen soon. haiz. i never really concentrated on studies, you know. i have no idea what i'm doing all up here. never wanted to be seen as any sort of brainiac at all. i only wish i had started doing what i really wanted to do later in life earlier. at least i'm trying to start now. i'm just sayin', if i had onyl started trying earlier and stuff, i would probably maybe perhaps have some sort of a start now, right? just maybe. i'm a pretty useless sort of guy. but at least i think a little. and do nothing about it. huhh. i don't know. it may seem that a lot of people i actually talk to and ask about, even in RI don't really have any plans for the future. no idea what they want to do, what uni course, not even what to do in JC. i try to tell myself, hey, nevermind, you worry about yourself, cause as it is, you're more doomed than them. if they wake up a coupla years later, they'd probably still be good, cause they're like, good at pretty much everything. and you're good at like, erm, pretty much nothing. yeah. what i'm trying to say it, you're witnessing the death of social me. hooah. for say, a year. more if this doesn't work out. suicide, yepp, my fate is sealed. let me just get into the act, beause really, if i don't try to act it, it just don't work out. haiz. what am i saying. i just need to get started. actually, i'm worrying so much about what others are planning, i haven't really planned much myself. i know hardly anything about courses in uni and future and stuff and ways i can get a job and get contacts and stuff to get a job and stuff. man, i just want to be able to get a living doing something that i love doing. why do people make that so difficult for kids these days? i'll be checking in on you guys online like, every single day. except maybe mondays and wednesdays, long days, probably gonna have to take the day off. and saturday morning, gotta get some extra work in there. yeah. whatever. wish me luck. i only hope i come out this alive and sane. and walking. and stuff. i'm ectomorphic as it is. no, gonna have to fit stuff to counter that into the schedule as well.. oh well. the name stuck, and there's nothing much else i can do about it, can i. fried out. 9:18 pm Monday, December 26, 2005
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as the year comes to an end, things start to get serious as i relize how dead i'm going to be in school next year. but even as i somehow manage to ignore those thoughts that are supposed to spell doom for my future, others occupy me.. i wonder. hm. have i gone insane.came back from japan, spent too much money buying stuff, missed the carolling =( bah. now i've got to wait till next year. great. why can't people go out and sing random songs at random places throughout the year. huhh. japan really is a great place, but sorta in a different way from singapore. of course there are some things in common, like a society that more or less mindlessly follows the every direction of the government, a beautiful country aesthetic-wise, and a colourful school culture, though no doubt in a different way from singapore's. i really haven't been there for very long, so i can't say too much, but at least i can say i've been there. yes, i know i'm a lucky bugger X] can't begin to count the number of places i've been since i was young. so kick me. but japan is special to me in a different way than singapore, and wernigerode, and monterey, CA. monterey is more really a novelty, to say the least, cause memories of the US, however many, aren't specifically of monterey only, and actually i only stayed there for about 3 years. the other times were mostly spent wandering the west coast.. wernigerode, it's also, but in a different way also.. it's like a sub-rural, peaceful small town in the middle of europe that never really has too much going on, just a few town events every year, and a bustling international city of many races and completely modern technology pretty near by. kind of like the peaceful kind of place that would be nice to retire to, if one could afford it. but if i do, you'd probably catch me running off to the city pretty often.. haha.. but look at me. thinking about these stuff already. singapore.. it's real home. almost everyone i actually know are here, for now.. i love the way how the air is clean, at least compared to other cities, and the people are pretty nice. i know that's putting it too simly, at least to me, because i could write a whole thesis on the mind of the Singaporean, but that would probably just be more generalization. but this is home, where i grew up, as far as i know now. that's why singapore will always be a very special place to me. something that no other can replace, no matter where i go and what i see. it's because of the people here. japan.. everyone is always saying how well-mannered the japanese are, but i think, that's only because it's their tradition, not so much because that's what they want to be. but some of the people, they're able to forget about that fact, or simply not know it yet, and go on happily. knowledge hurts a lot sometimes, i should know that if anything else. but what i'm saying is, it's more because they're very orderly. everything has a sequence, a pre-ordained way of doing it. maybe i'm going too far with the generalization already, but that's the kind of impression the place gives me. and i think it's a good culture, in a way. the orderly part, at least. maybe it's cause of this culture that everyone else feels that they're very polite. i'm just saying, but i think japan is just one more very misunderstood society, like america. it would be nice to live there, to know the people, but i don't think i could survive it for too long X] more visits, then. but all these complicated things aside.. i think i'm learning more about.. things going around and inside me. not biologically, pam. =/ i think i'll just let things run their course.. i think everything will be okae. haha. been thinking too much about those stuff. i think i can let it go now. thanks, jamie. 12:12 pm Thursday, December 08, 2005
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back to da siansian holidays again, after almost two weeks of almost everyday fun.. hurhur.. ended nicely yesterday nite too. hahh.so now it's sitting in front of da holiday hw and stoning, watching random clips by cool peeps like the whitest kids, and now tt evelyn's off to camp, actually doing something with the guitar. guitar hog. huhh. hahaha.. yea yea.. i hear ya. excuses excuses.. anyhow.. wondering if anyone's gonna tell me abt tmr..? lol.. going for practice for a while in da morn, then going to shoot some back at the old court at ring road.. haha.. brings back memories, tt place. we all went down to sentosa already, so this time it's just us who wanna play, i guess.. i can't really play volleyball. hahha. nevermind. off to battle ectomorph-itis and do my fingers off on tt bangy old thing. it's a good one though. made in spaain.. lolz.. anything.. 9:33 am Sunday, December 04, 2005
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i'm back. ahhah. st. johns was a beauty. whole thing was a beauty. everyone sparkled right off the top. boy, it was all too short.kae lah, most of them have been there a number of times, cause every year the camp is there.. cept last year, wasn't, can't remember why.. but as a noob, the place seriously rocks man. perfect island to get stranded on. wish i brought my cam, but sherman was mr. cameraman, so just waiting for the photos. maybe it was wrong, but maybe i spent too much time out there. but i just.. felt i needed to do it. think about some things that i just wanted to settle out there, and be done with it. i pray that's the last time i'll need to do this kind of stuff. it sucks so be alone, tho it's really good to talk to God in a little bit of His beauty. i cried that night. but it's over, and it was good. i think it's good that it's over. i hope i can do greater things now. every morning will soon turn into evening and springtime will soon turn into fall every memory must fade like a passing parade and youth become a time you just recall but the good times together seem so magical like music that lasts your whole life through when it's ended it never really dies away 'cos the music's always there with you every new day could be a time of harmony if people could only be in tune all the visions you could share, magic castles in the air seem to fade away and vanish all too soon But the magic you share when you make music Won't leave you when the time has come to part And it feels like you never have to say goodbye 'Cos the music's always there in your heart But the magic you share when you make music Won't leave you when the time has come to part And it feels like you never have to say goodbye 'Cos the music's always there 'Cos the music's always there The music's always there in your heart i'm unashamed, because too many people who have had this sung just for them, and only them, like we did for mrs. koh, really just break down and cry. because it's really so so true, and is just sucks, you want to just smash whatever's making it so. but knowing that you're always in our hearts, and our memories will always stay with you.. maybe that makes things a little easier. i really gotta stop thinking about other things. now i figures, the only thing that really needs thinking about is what God want me to do next. lol. math teacher isn't gonna be happy to hear that. i dunno why i'm such a different person with you guys. in class, i fly solo, but just because i don't like the way others do stuff. i just fell it's not right. but i'm fine there. i just fly solo, and i think they respect it. we hang times, and we got our own ways. is cool, and i'm relaxed. and other than that, i'm such a different person. lol.. split personality arh. lol.. dun think so right. nevermind.. i don't want to give up here. thought about it, but it sucked even to think about it. God's given me the blessing of this lot in life, and i'm not giving it up so easily. but boy hicky, celibacy is a wierd idealogy. the Bible doesn't mention it neither. so go jump off a cliff. =) i live yet. 7:39 am |