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Monday, November 28, 2005
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i don't know what you're thinking, and so i don't know what to think.people are such confusing people. how am i supposed to feel? who do you think i am? how do you think i do? nobody knows anything. anything. and yet we can make such confident decisions on what to do. or maybe it's because we have to do something. i don't know. what i know is that it's all really confusing. am i supposed to be happy? or.. something else? top it off, now i've got to teach; have i mentioned how i can't teach. i can't teach anyone anything. just can't get through to people in that way. no teaching, nope, may be good at it, but can't get anything across, nope. no teaching. can't teach. but i gotta in a couple days. there was this poem about masks. and people. and having to take them off. can't quite remember it. 7:56 pm Thursday, November 24, 2005
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down in jamaica i dunno about all of you, but.. i think, somehow.. i attach memories to place, to things, because.. because people won't always be here, with us.. and sometimes, when i just don't understand what someone is thinking, or when i'm just feeling so helpless and hopeless, when i can't help someone in need, it's.. in a way, a sort of escape.. a sort of alternative. to be there, just.. musing? and living out our memories again.. living out the times when we were together and nothing else mattered. people really do come and go, and more than physically.. at times we think we know a person.. but somewhere along the road, something weird might happen.. and then.. well. i just don't know what to think. so maybe it really is just a convinient escape. but it is an escape. there aren't too many others. why not take them all. 10:47 pm Wednesday, November 23, 2005
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< some sentences deleted before returned >< some words cried before spoken > < some stories dreamt and lived before written > < some things never e'n to be thought } 8:10 pm Monday, November 21, 2005
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ugh. gotta shake it.okae. while back.. was thinking about it. but then i forgot. but now someone's reminded me. hmm. it's a good thing. it's the whole singaporean racist thing. okae, the deal is, a couple comy fellers publish a bunch of racist stuff. everyone gets worked up. Gov gets it's back tickled, tells everyone to shut up, don't be racist, don't even think about it or we'll fine you so bad your great grandson will be left payin' yer debts. kae, not really, but generally =/ anyway, the point is, all this hoohah about not being racist, it's getting everyone worked up about racism. now before we publish a post on our blogs, we gotta think, is that racist? oh shit, maybe someone will think that's racist then i'll get into trouble. people can't even talk anymore. say something, then like, wooopshyt, then we look at the feller of the race that we thot we might have offended and change to subject. and also because of this crap, everyone's on the lookout for it. we see something, ahhahh! racist guy! i'll report you and send you off to jail! you'll pay a shuper fine you'll be left.. short of a few thousand bucks! yeah! and crap like that. and people themselves look out for stuff, and then they go, oh no.. my friend said something that's supposed to offend me. do i feel offended? then he/she looks around at the other fellers of the same race and wonder how they feel and if he/she should do something, react. that's the crap that's happening. because you're so concerned about punishing racists, people have become oversensitive, both when doing stuff and when judging stuff. i mean, before, we usually don't speak chinese when there's some who only understand tamil or malay around. it was like, just courtesy. but when we did, like, nobody really cared. neither party. but now it's different. can't stand this crap. it's mainly cause the media and the government are blowing it up so big, then the public just takes the bait to screw up the community, you know? what i say is, shut up. go back to the way things were. you grown-ups always say that we kids of the new generation don't treasure our peace among different religions and races enough. but the fact is, we do. too much. that we don't want to touch it, don't want to think about it. and it was a good thing too, cause that way, nobody was so tense over religion and race. now like this, we can't even discuss religion or race without feeling uneasy. singapore's got more chinese than malays, and more malays than indians. in different places, people will mix in different percentages. but that's singapore. we're just together, like we were always supposed to be. like it's normal. we're one, no crud. so what's with all this crap? these stuff will come in, and i'm not trying to say that we avoid the topic, or something. or not get offended, because you can't just tell people to not get offended if you go and do something majorly dumb. what i'm trying to say is, you just have to be able to accept the fact that, in this little red dot here, there are more chinese than malays, more malays than indians, more indians than eurasians, etc etc, but it doesn't matter. mandarin will be heard more often, people have different religions. this is a democracy; we're allowed to do whatever we like, so long it doesn't affect others or the society in a bad way. that's basically what everyone wants, so it's probably a good thing we have this much. but we have to forget about these differences. gotta be able to discuss these things freely, be open to consider other people's ideals, and be open to receive them if they are right, and most of all, to be able to defend the things that we believe in. because if what you believed was false, wouldn't you be glad now that someone who knew the truth has told you about it? but there are always stuff that, nobody can tell you "it's wrong", or vice versa. judge yourself, what's best to be done, based on other things that you know. that's common sense, i think. not too sure anymore, it's not as common as it once was. we're a small people, so heck, we're gonna have to stick if we're gonna live. it's been said too many times, so it really doesn't have that much impact on the people anymore. and that sucks. but people have to get to know that somehow. so convince them. defend what you know, and tell others in case they believe something false. that's about it. we gotta fix this crud that we're in, because even though this racist blogger deal is pretty old news, the feeling is still there; that tension. all the media coverage, all the "discussions" in forums have solved the problem. so we can't just let it be. do you think it'll go away in time? maybe, seriously. now that i think of it. but some will remember, and then sometime, someone will bring it up again. so you just gotta stop it now. that's what i think. huhh. yea. i'm sorry, it's just that i've been thinking about a lot of stuff. some time ago, about this problem. then about religion, which is another thing. then about friendship. then about the rest of the world. america's a pretty big place. there must be a lot of people there. huhh. you live somewhere, but you never really know it. that's what i think. because a place is about people, and about memories of people who were there. everything is about people, because we've got souls. we'll live forever; people were made for immortality. that's why we desire it so much. the only question is, where will it be? because we know that this body doesn't last.. where and how? i believe.. you can actually decide on this. that's what i believe. anyhow. stay tuned, next time, about another of those random wacky things that i've been thinking of that'll leave you thinking both, why the hec does he think about these stuff? and maybe, that it's really pretty meaningful. i'm always thinking of all of you. stay well, with love. kai. 8:35 pm Saturday, November 19, 2005
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what happens when you fall in love, then you discover it was all an act?can you give thanks that love is everywhere for you, if it even is? uuugh. to crumple up into a little paper ball for a while, until i'm ready to just forget, just let go. why? why couldn't those dreams be true? why couldn't that really have been you? but no, you tell me it was all an act, you're really nothing like that, what made me think so? i would have made promises to myself. but i had to find out. and now i wish i hadn't. maybe you would have changed anyway. but i know it's not true. nobody changes for nothing. it's frustration. that's all. that beyond measure or expression. just.. sense. and such is its intensity.. why? why not someone else? why you? why who i believed you would be? bhlam. magical whiplash. sing buffalo dreams. 10:21 pm Wednesday, November 16, 2005
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heck.i want to see you again it's been so long. seriously. i don't know how i forgot all about it. was it when you went away? when i grew up? somehow.. somewhere, you just left my life. but it can't be, because you were my first, whether we knew it or not. things go slow, then so quickly, then slow again. i want to see you, but.. when i imagine it, it would be so awkward.. i'm yet a child. how can i face you? but i don't want to wait. i want to be able to just call you with this number you left, meet you in some obscure cafe down by the river, and just talk about times past, times since then, and our futures.. but i just know i don't dare. when i prepare myself in my mind, it always might work out, but when the time comes, my mouth is shut, my mind is blank. why? i try to tell myself, give it some time, when you're older, gained more experience, you'll have more confidence in yourself. don't feel like a little boy then. but i fear.. when that time comes, it'll still be as it is now. because time passes for everyone. you're a little older now, and we'll both be in time. but what can i do.. i can't say, because i don't know. these days seem so alone. maybe it's cause i haven't made enough provenance for these times? it must be so.. i want to do something else. like the arrow drawn back, shot over the yonder. where will it fly? whence will it land? all is uncertain, but some things we'll know; it'll brnig to some, word of fear, of death, and to others, hope, security and rescue. some might learn or it's strength, it's direction, it's forsight, some may see just an arrow. but one thing is for certain. i released that arrow, not with any machinery or whatnot, just a longbow and unbarbed arrow. i know that i send it, and it is proof that i sent it. so may it be whereever i go. hopefully not alone, but if it must be.. let this cup pass from me. 8:22 pm Friday, November 11, 2005
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hullo.past coupla weeks have been pretty.. interesting. as in, it's been da hols, and there's been loads of stuff going on, but not until every night i'm dead beat and can't lift a finger to a keyboard or something. not like i had nth to write either. but dunno why just didn't post some nonsense. haha. wtv.. shall blah again tmr, what i reeeeally wanted to talk about tonite seems a bit.. heavy for a first post after so long. huhh. but anyway, besides that, i dunno what's going to happen on the last day of junior's camp.. i'm supposed to go for an acapella camp buy a bunch of really famous dudes(for which i actually haven't paid up yet, hurhur).. budden it starts at 8.30 in da morn.. and we're due back at 11+.. so i really dunno how. actually i signed up for this quite some time ago, but then like.. forgot abt it. haah. sorry lah. short term memory loss means i forget stuff very quickly. doesn't mean that i remember them again once the period of time becomes "long". aiyahh. dun care. wanna spend sum quality time wif mah foreva family, but then i oso want to develop my voice.. and the stuff they're covering is really sum stuff tt i've been interested in learning.. hmmm.. haiz. see how lah. but right now just seems tt it's God's will that i go for juniors camp, so off i go! =) haha.. just means i'm escaping making a decision.. yeah yeah.. i know making no decision is also making a decision, and all that blah. had enuff of those spastic quote from my own batchmates already. yeesh. who would believe it. but dun care lah. kah lah. dis is getting quite what also. anyways.. on da last nite of da camp, geof and me had some sec ones and twos together around us having dinner after the nitewalk(where we made up ghost stories about the school on the spot, plus gave them some classics. they ate it all up, lol..), so we were basically all chatting and stuff lah.. den ryan(was it ryan?) suddenly asked me if i was a christian. den i was like, yeah, i am. den everyone started talking about religion. so i was like, okae, that was random. and they continued. den sumone else asked geof, and he said he was christian too. but he didn't like to go to church, just read bible at home. so i was like, riiight.. but of course never say out lah. dun be so bad to buddy.. hurhur.. budden some of them had tt kind of response anyway. but in de end just moved on lah. and so because of tt they were like saying, what makes u a christian and stuff. so i was like, thinking, huhh, got some christians here huhh. like, more than i knew. so anyway, dey started talking about catholics and stuff, den i dowan to keep quite already lah. i dunno why i said what i did.. but i just did. and even now i don't know whether what i did was right or wrong. huhh. i was like, suddenly said, dun talk about catholics and all this kiinda things liaoz lah, dey want to call themselves catholics what can you say?(cause a few of them kept saying tt catholics are actually not christians. like, okae lah, u know, i know, good lorh.) and it's like, when i tok, dey all will keep quiet a bit one lah. so it's like. okae. diaoz. now quiet. i dunno lah, cause it's like, whenever talk about these kinda stuff amonst friends, it always brings up a bad atmosphere. there's just this tension regarding religion, and yes, i do think that it's caused by all these racist etc stuff t has happened recently. just not the way you would supposed, and how the PAP and the press think it's causing it. that's what i wanted to talk about, but.. tomorrow. yepyepyep. before choir. so i was just like, dun talk abt this liaoz lah. den quiet. den wen jun started dancing around and talking about stuff and giving out random wierd food items, so we just like, anything lorh, continue eating, talking random stuff. huhh. maybe that's one good thing bah. when you can be know as both a joker and sumone who knows how to have fun, and also as a serious thoughtful guy, people will actually listen to you, plus most of da people will be willing to listen to you. so ho hum. okae. anyways. sleep liaoz. tmr wake up and run finish must start doing math+physics+chemistry revision i think.. never touch dis hols. lol, hardly ever touch any end-of-year hols, but i think this year must lah.. cause this year's grade will pull me down a lot. got GPA 2.31, which is like, suck. ugh. how to get average 2.8 for sec 3 and sec 4. must get ah.. den can take KI. must.. take.. KI.. yawnz.. today never run liaoz.. after war games yesterday back aching dis morn liaoz.. lol.. where got war games must carry stuff and run around one? kaoz.. at least i still managed to survive the whole game, plus frag loads.. hurhur.. kae lah. nitey.. sleep tite. prayin for u. hui qi. 10:44 pm |