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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
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i may forget stuff for my exams, but i notice the storm clouds forming and know where the raindrops fall.i may not sing what you want to hear, but i know i sing well. and i do. cause who are you to say what is right and what is wrong? who am i to do these in place of what i am supposed to? because to you, "supposed" is dictated by you, "education" is what you think you are tyring to give me, and "respect" is something you try to teach. all these because you don't realize that right and wrong was already decided by someone higher than us, that learning takes place when we choose to learn, and we learn what we want to. because you can't see that repect is something that is earned, with intention or without, the same way love is supposed to flow, not be felt. those people.. like you. you walk around, you say, "i am happy. i feel loved. in fact, i feel more and more loved". you can't see that love is something that must and does flow freely, it's something that is everywhere. there's no such thing as more or less. it's just love. you are repected because you are respected. i love you because i love you. there is no need for reason or explaination. 8:20 pm Monday, September 26, 2005
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i feel wierd. so many thoughts.. so many implications. i don't know what's happening. i thought it was bad before.. thot i was holding it. huhh. it's just too many things at once, and i don't even know what i want to do to myself now.why won't you look me in the eye? i know i'll regret saying that, but still.. i mean. i don't know what it means to me. i can't write it out. there are to manys things, back and forth, and urgh. i can't do anything now. i think it's because i see all the implications, for and against, eveyrthing and it all says NO. YOU CAN'T DO THIS. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING. YOU CAN'T NO NOTHING, EITHER. i really feel torn up. why do you act? i love you the way you are. doesn't matter how it is. however 'you are' is. why do i think you act? why are things this way? why has it been stuck so, for so long? why do i feel so? totally can't do anything properly. i don't even want to think about the Zahir and it's implications now. i would just explode. now i just wish there was a way i could just, not think about anything, and just get away from all this. if there's one thing i could absorb of the zahir right now, it's that i don't really want to be independant. i want to be dependant on the ones i love, and i want them to be dependant on me as well. independancy.. it really just means that you're alone. doesn't it. 9:22 pm Tuesday, September 20, 2005
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i'm sorry, you know? cause everything was just starting to get really fun and engaging, then everything falls away. i know i'm repeating myself. i do.stuff tries to come back. there was the play. there is the play. the musical, "Children's letters to God". They're looking for actors. who can sing. i was tempted to go; or that's how it seems now.. it seemed like an unignorable opportunity for fun, exerience and to get to know more people.. but now it's like.. something that i would never have been able to do anyway. the deadline for the audition application is tomorrow. i don't think i'll be sending in mine.. for no good reason, i just let things affect me, you know.. found out the title, i thought about The Prayer, at AGM, and then i thought about pamela, and then i thought a lot of things. dreaming always hurts in the end. but now i doubt i'll be sending in my resume.. nobody would want a guy like me in a commercial musical. it may be the description of the character i wld audition for, but somehow it's just wrong.. withdrawn, quiet, just basically unknown and seemingly unknowable. besides, i asked a bunch of other people who i knew who fitted into the age group wanted(15-18) whether they wanted to go for the audition, and they just laughed it off. who am i. huhh. directly contraditing myself in what is your deepest fear, aren't i. bah. the thing is, everything sucks now. more or less. i bought The Zahir by paulo. it seeemd like a biography at first, but he's really just using a portion of his life to pass on certain thoughts. i understand how his mind works now, to some extent, if what eh writes is true, and there are things i can connect with, those i can't. which is more or less like saying nothing. hm. but after reading this kinda stuff, pretty heavy even for me, it's like..i don't want to think about it. i would never have had to think about it, to be so frustrated with infinite thoughts leading my mind off into twice as many directions, to think: everything i have is superficial. but everything that i should desire is utterly impossible to achieve. i never wanted to think about these things. i just did. i just wanted to have fun, be happy by having my loved ones happy and being with them, and obeying my Lord until i am called and go to Him forever and get to be happy with those i care about for eternity. that's how selfish i am. why should i think so deeply about all these things? but i do. and they are true, and i cannot ignore them for long. haizz.. enuff about these depressing stuff. just thinking about how complicated yet pressing these matters are is enuff to jut make me go mad. i can't even try to consider these things properly without eventually just blowing up with frustration at my incapability to do. okae. so now, for all that i've done, i'm nothing but a sectional leader. a lousy one. it's not my calling: i'm not good at teaching people such stuff, as i'm expected to. i can never tell people what to do. in groups, organizing events, doing projects, all i can do is say, okae, here we are, together, with these materials and such capabilities. let's put our minds together and contribute as much as can to the ideal we work towards, and attain such as our dreams demand. i can help bring people together to start doing stuff properly, instead of standing around bickering as these people are inclined to. but it's pointless now, because i'm not supposed to. how is it that people can say, it's not that you're not important that you didn't get into the committe, it's not that your contributions weren't important or weren't appreciated. that makes no sense at all. isn't it because we are believed to be able to perform, to deliver, to help, to acheive, that we are made to lead? to be made to help otehrs lead themselves, such that we no longer lead, but the whole group moves together with such cohesion? how then, say you, that my contributions were great, my aid greatly appreciated, and yet i am no longer allowed to bestow my talents upon you, to use them for these people. i am rejected, thrown forth. i was something, but now am left to become nothing, because i was not one of the chosen ones of the ones who were before we are. and yet i do not know how is it that i have fallen out with them. it was just when they recieved their duties when they tossed me aside, like a companion for a game that, one the game is over, is utterly useless. when practical use is departed, so must i. i don't understand it. i'm probably uttering nonsense, but the fact is simply that, i can't understand it. not at all. this truely must be a case of king lear. everything else is similiar but one, which is not apparent, so i must assume: i have done something wrong? i have bestowed power upon the wrong persons, given my blessings to the wrong parties? it might well be so, but i love these people for who they are; therefore if i see what they do as right, my blessing is with them. yet what i dreamed for is denied. therefore i cannot believe in the Favour Bank. should such an institution exist.. these people would not use me so. this talk must be enough to drive paulo himself away. fine. i need another bag then. take this piece of petty, probably none less selfish news from my life, and depart. i seek a new sling bag for school. and yet this is completely irrelevant to you: why do people seek such news? why do people write it? 5:55 pm Saturday, September 17, 2005
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send the rains before me before than eye can see keep not these drops jus behind me lest i think they follow me for every drop that falls let me know of each soul out there for every leaf that breaks their fall a song, sung with care send the rains before me ending just where the eye can see i stand, storm about me with cause so, pity not me 10:52 pm Wednesday, September 14, 2005
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everything is just coming down, one after another. everything really sucks now. but i'm stuck here until i finish my education, realistically. i could just jump off this stupid RP train, and go and do it my way, but what the heck. i'm just being hum ji. bloody addictino to predictability.ugh. just want to run away. like walla. but i will. that's the difference. 11:52 pm •
don't know what i feel. nothing. that's what i'm likened to.how should i feel? the people i cared about have gotten stuff beyond what they have dreamt of achieving. without having to work for it. it's supposed to be a good thing. but.. i dunno. self-centeredly, i just sucks that, these people got what i wanted, dreamed for, thought i deserved for so long. and most of all, they don't give a shit. not a bloody shit. who cares what he wanted. i got it. hur hur. just want to run away. i thought i was free. freedom.. it's what gives you the ability to make choices that directly affect what you get in the end. but no. i'm starting to think, guys really aren't built to cry. wanted to, but somehow.. just couldn't. but then now i can. *** you don't really konw what it feels like, do you? when nobody really gives a shit, and when they do, for all the wrong reasons. now i've been likened to a fucking useless loser. that's what you have done. like arrun, like tim wee, like arthur. not to say they are; their definitely not. but some are. but they've basically slacked out choir, done nothing. before, and after. before, you know what i've done. no use talking any shit. you'll just accusing me of things again. i say f. after. hahh. we'll see. taking things for granted is just something that we all do. it's just when and where you happen to do it, when and where you don't bother to try to care. there are consequences to everything. don't get me wrong. i'm not going to sabotage the choir or anything. i'm pissed bad, but i'm not a fucker that way. besides, i couldn't care less anymore. before i thought i only cared about the music; now i only care about the music. my music. the music i make. cause i can't control the music made by the choir. i'm not allowed to. can't control the choir's potential and develop it, can't lead the choir to places dreamt of. can't do f. so i'm just going to make it good for me. because nobody else is or will, and because nobody cares whether or not i do anything for this damn choir or not, after everything. no matter what i do, i know there are some people who would rather i just shutup and do nothing. now they're in power. nothing wrong wif the former. and the implications of the latter is that now i just won't go and piss them off. i'm taking my own road now. you thought i was aloof before. then i got in real good. and some of you wished i wld just shut up again. wish granted. goodbye and screw off. 8:21 pm Tuesday, September 13, 2005
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tomorrow is the day of truth. hurhur. AGM '05.let's see what happens. when it's over.. i can probably come back and dao cliff and co. for saying i'll be chair. haha. time will tell; this, if nothing more. 9:14 pm Monday, September 12, 2005
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昨天没回家。typing chinese is slow if ya gonna do it properly, kinda.. hurhur.. cause i really don't do proper spell checks. but u understand, yes? ah. but i try. easy on the wrong chinese words, i know i know, just try to think pinyin, haha.. yea, back from camping in classroom for no good reason, tired ah. loads of school crap, but i dun want tok abt it.. okae? anyhow, it was okae lah. fear factor dinner, fried cucumbers . . . not funny. den 3am get up, warm up, off back to kranji. seriously lorh.. kranji is like.. two MRT stops away from my place. den ask me to go all the way to Bishan, camp over then next morning get up shuper early to go all the way back to kranji. right. inde end it was okae lah, i think.. my hearing not as tuned as sum other guys, but to me already already not really too near perfect or ideal, hurhur.. so.. dowan to ask others lah. anyways, all the organisers were all like, good job guyssss.. all the high comissioners and etc etc were commenting on your performance, very good blah blah. ah fine. u liked it. good enuff. lol. sum fellers come and interview us, for sum can't-remember-the-name thing.. supposed to be some documentary for teachers to watch. aww. so we won't be on TV. lol. like anyone was going to watch live broadcast at 6 in the morning. but papers maybe, so hurhur, watch out, maybe i get a second show in the papers in this life, lol.. one thing gotta say is, good thing didn't rain this morning, haha... it did yesterday evening though, when we were there doing soundcheck. yea. it smelled really good. the air was really fresh after the rain. people really just forget that that's a war cemetary, not just a memorial structure sometimes.. hurhur.. right now basically it's school that's making me want to jump off a cliff lah. seems every time there's something wrong somewhere in life huhh. if i just got rid of one thing then shld be able to kope huh. riight. i'm tring to add stuff, not remove. aiyahh.. dunno what to say, to do lah.. but sch i cld never deal with. it was just along the way. now ppl can understand nothing in class but top the class from copying some 18-year-old's papers. well, lol, if a whole bunch of people gettnig the same mark is still considered topping. wahwah, tabletop mountain sia. 在这中处境中，真的不知该集中在哪一个地方。then again, 一大半我真的想去做，去学习的地方，目前的情况不准许我去干... haizz, 相信这些都讲过，被你们听过太多次了吧... 真的想谢你们.. 知道这中地方.. 其实不是什么重要的地方.. 可是.. 这是自己发泄烦恼，发表感情，basically 说很多废话的地方吧... just feel that, 有时候，在这中地方，如果太自觉，在您自己小小的地方写下一点一点什么的，就是去意思了.. 因为.. 自己是认为, 这中地方, 可是得到对对方最起码一点点的认识.. 或许实在是太过 pathetic 了吧.. 可是在一些情况下, 在我目前的心态上.. 是点难开口.. 真的是 quite stupid 啦，可是.. 目前.. 真的是太多东西不合理.. 真的是无发真正领会到的啦... haiyah, i'm talking crap lah. people are just busy. like i'm supposed to be. which i am. with the wrong things, as many would say, and they're making me feel that way, by force.. dunno lah. it's just blink. what can i do. none of you people who keep talking so much crap to me will ever understand, becasue you don't want to understand for the right reasons. as an end, and not a means to an end, and all that crap. would that we cuold all be together always.. but it would probably get tacky. getting too close with each other.. it's taken too casually. if i ever have a real family.. must never let such a crap happen. what's your excuse for treating people who u're supposed to care about the most so much worse than others who you seldom see. it's like what ya'll were talking about.. putting up a good front in front of people. just can't stand that kinda people. like my parents. cn't tahan it. stuupid fake pretending to be nice. really. all with ulterior motives. when we say ulteriot motives.. refer to a bad or really direct one, usually..but in the end.. it's really for ourselves, if you want to see it so pessimistically. yes, i want you to be happy, because i want to be happy, and when you're happy, i'm happy. it's an ulterior motive, in some sense.. but.. it's really a subconcious sort of thing. cause in the end, everything we're doing is to try to make things better. and when are things "better" ? when we're happy.. content. huhh. which really just leads onto to another crappy thing. why is everything just wrong? it's really useless saying anything, cause regardless of what i do, or what i say, or don't do, not say, it's all up to you to look for something that i'm doing wrong. you'll surely find it. i can't do anything about that. it's just that.. if you look, you'll find it. every time teachers will ask you, what's your excuse. the onyl answer i'll ever give any of them is, no excuse. because really, i'm tired of giving good valid reasons for my actions, but because they don't understand the whole thing about it, couldn't care less, it's just a stupid excuse to them. to them, you have one motive: to break the rules and get away with it. like i don't have better things to be striving for. one thing just leads to another.. one thing piles up on another. then it's upt o the last event, the final back breaking straw, to use that much-hated-by-now idiom. no prize for guessing why. just hear it too often. these stupid people just.. exaggerate everything. hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. blam. something bad happens. then it's back to square zero. zero. zero. zero. i hope it'll all be alright in the end. like i was telling jorel. "everything's black and white.." "yea.. huhh. i guess. but at least the sky's purple." it's what you try to see.. that's what you'll see. really. 7:43 pm Friday, September 09, 2005
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don't know what to do now.. can i just.. do something stupid? ugh.传说中，兄弟到处都是仇敌可更多 但只要一起面对 每一个人的问提会 消失 消失 传说中，我们总在一起的 一直到最候 但是 重会有但是 姐妹一个一个消失 兄弟一个一个陷落敌手 战场上 似乎只剩下我一个 单独地 我能做什么 无伴侣地 单飞着 我只能看到我的是败 我知道 在传说中 最后我们还是会在天堂结合的 见到祖的脸 我应该忘记前世的一切 可是恐怕到最后 这生命是无意的 这灵魂是寂寞的 该死的！ 这么让他们，她们 不在我身旁 后悔到永远也无用 只在传说中 sorry everyone. nobody shdl have to see me now i know it's foolish to seek a sign but i'm but a fool regardless everything goes on eternity starts now. 但是.. 其实我的堕落 根本不是那个因素... ... 9:26 pm Thursday, September 08, 2005
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uggghh.. apple's released the ipod nano... i want to kill myself. sure, it's twice the weight of da shuffle, but it's got a dang screen, so it can actualyl be used to the full capacity for songs. one gig of space with no screen.. like, fifty percent of that goes to files, cause i can't really do 1 gig of songs without being able to choose and categorize..blargh. should have waited. but then i had waited for the shuffle to come out already.. oh well.. i guess just goes to show that there are loads of intermediates when people are tyring to come up with better stuff. maybe there'll be something after the nano, eh? 12:49 pm Wednesday, September 07, 2005
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blogsurfing when i shld be studying.. really. too much? hmm. many wld think so, and take action. hahh.yingyi gotta lotta interesting links, hhaha... hm. it's pretty stupid. i'm pretty stupid. people around the world(note reference to me) go around and go, oh woe is me, but then there are two things; for one, there are so many others who think the same, feel the same, maybe hurt the same, the reasons: who will know? and for another, we actually like it, or at least, don't mind it. really. when i stop to brood by the roadside on a morning walkajog, when i fly with the birds to school on mornings with the sun peeking behind the clouds, it's really a feeling of.. embracing something. it feels like sadness, but it's.. not. you can't really embrace sadness, huhh, unless you're talking about, ohh i'm really sad, but nevermind.. i'll just go on being sad for eva and eva, oh oh. i think that's just kinda stupid. that is, if you actually manage to do that. me, can't do it. i've just got this short term memory loss thing. i mean, okae. i can remember it. i messed it up big time, or u pushed me into deep shit so that you could get away sparkling kleeen. big whoop. i'm pissed off. if i don't take action there and then when you-slash-i did it, i probably won't have the... emotional capacity? to do anything about it in the, near future. stuff just.. loses it's impact. i mean, it depends, really. loads of things.. are different. but that's another thing altogether. you can't compare it with that. what i'm saying is, i did somethign stupid and got u pissed at me, vice vera, blah blah blah, i can't remember it, now it doesn't seem like such a big deal. and real soon. so ppl get like, uuuuugh. dowan to talk to you. and i'm, why are u so xiao qi, still bothered by that little thing. i've forgotten it. okae, i think i'm repeating myself. what i was saying right at the beginning was, this attitude, it's really just, not sadness, hahh. maybe we pretend it wld be, to ourselves. but i think maybe it's not. ohho, now i'm going all maybe again, says you. well, i don't know. i don't know a lot of things. i don't know why i think about such things. girls are going, bahh guys are so insensitive, so jerk-y(get that a lot frm ppl why hear tt ur from RI then get as far away in their crowd of CHI or ACSI peeps as possible). then the next moment, when u go quiet, they're all, whatcha thinking about, why so quiet, why do u think about such things, blah blah blah. well, okae. i'm stereotyping. ARGh. *Kicks self*. no really. that was stupid. butbutbutbut.. i dunno. it's just something about us. now i'm starting to think, maybe okae, it's us. slapslap, wake up, nt maybe liaoz, is is is. kae. it's just that, suddenly, at certain situations, we'll see different things. things that maybe another guy in a similiar mental-slash-emotional state wldn't notice. maybe it hits older guys. maybe i'm premature or something. big whoop. aaah. wash face. okae. another things i notice is.. i'm really kinda immature. kinda. really. huhh. dunno how to further comment on that. i'll just make myself seem more immature. to myself! hahahah. oopshyt. hoohahh. think.. maybe i got to sober down. this isn't me. is it? i don't know. i don't have a real voice. don't know what i'm really like. don't know anything. make stoopid sounds, even when blogging. hm. wait. wasn't it sober up? ughh.. dunno what to think. there's what i want myself to be like, then there's what i.. am like. because of situation. then situation changes. sumtimes it's just me, sometimes it isn't. ... ... maybe shld just change topic. on one hand, there are people who are even more confused and worse off than me. which is relevent to the first thing i realizzzzzed tonite. yayy. (lesson time. but not school homework, nt graded, huhh.) but then.. why shdl tt matter? what other people are like? shld set my own standards.. but at the same time.. there is the desire to help others. when u-slash-i sit down to think about it. but then.. most of the time i'm kinda.. blinded. by perpectual realization of my own weaknesses. of my own desires.(weaknesses and desires not to be linked!!!!!!! maybe some are related, but not all, so there. end comment.) okae.. i really don't know what to think already. tooo messy. getting mussed up in the head. okae.. other things. after going through the entire collection of CDs(numberous times! hoho.. but mostly a few that i liked. a few being.. anywhere between 2 and 12.), burnt and bought after bring over from the old house, i'm back onto radio stations, nicce old 93.3 and newer Lush 99.5! yeaahh.. radio is good. hahah. yep yep yep. is good. yingyi, tune in to singapore radio online if ya feeling homesick, hurhurhur!~ just a while ago, DJ was saying, this time of the year, everyone is really busy.. esp. students bahh.. pamela, ruth, amanda, da 6L'03 guys who i knew a bit, kinda, haha.. and johnny, who's taking O levels oso.. all shuper busy.. yea.. then of course us other "normal" students, supposed to be mugging like mad for end-of-year papers also lahh.. i say supposed, because i'm not.. ugh.. just feel so.. unable to do. again. because i look at all the homework, then i look at the revision worksheets, then i look at books, then i thinks. "homework must hand in.. top priority. budden i see see see, all that i know how to do completely do already!! if i do halfway a few of these.. then oso useless. cannot hand in half done. cannot cannot cannot!! thenn.. never finish homework.. where got xin to go and revise.." even worse, the math revision papers ahh.. scary. dunno how to do almost all. math double weightage. when i go back to sch supposed to show head of math all the revision papers i did, including Thousand Year Series sia.. haben started doing! now is.. wednesday, tomorrow got remedial, friday got choir, saturday is church ditto(kae lah dis one oso not the whole day), sunday... stayign overnight in school, because on monday morning, 5.30 the choir is going to Kranji War Memorial to sing for the memorial.. first time the annual service for World War Two is being held in an Asian country, or so i lhear.. so is quite a big deal. also, is high security, must show IC, or EZlink card for lower sec peeps then can enter, cause got impt. people from everywhere there.. huhh.. the IC number had to register a coupla weeks ago, only like 20+ 30 ppl can get in for choir, so all the ji pro guys then get in, hurhurhur.. then cause some on sunday afternoon cannot make it, so also some other peeps come in lah.. lower secs.. most of them ahh.. nothing to say. better not say, just get more irritated. whatever lah.. exposure lorh. maybe they'll change. yea.. so basically i'm gonna get killed by him(HOD math), cause i got sent to him by my math teacher, who oso dunno how to teach properly(not i sayone hor!! other ppl taught by him, inc. my class ppl complain.. but dunno why sch admin never hear.. or did they?) ... now i say ah, then touch wood ah.. later kena sent to deputy headmaster by him, then the question will be, do you still want to stay in RI? then i really dunno how to answer already.. a lot of things i really must have u explain properly then i can understand mah... private schooling? too expensive lah, go and die. then this kinda of stupid system that has taught me nothing ever the past three years, what other secondary school will want to accept me? go anywhere else will oso kena shunned by students cause "tt guy kena transferred here from RI".. so i'm rejected by all parties, shunned by all sides. ask me do what. i oso dunno. everytime 快快乐乐过日子, in the end get through.. is it becasue last minute cheong is most effective? is it because, actually last time my standard of relax is actually not that relax compared to other people already? maybe.. but right now, maybe my standard increase liaoz.. until i kena, and academic failing.. another thing is.. when young ah, really cannot appreciate thing that are given freely.. hahahah.. i'm talking about days of my youth, and i'm fifteen. just goes to show what society is turning into. maybe it looks different to everyone. looks like a monster to me. okae, i was saying.. when i was young, the one thing given freely was.. piano lessons. hahh, it was practivally forced, to put it not-very-nicely. until one point.. i just find that i couldn't do it. i couldn't stand the repeated failure that i had to face before i could achieve success. huhh. i think i finally put it into words. i cannot tahan failure. nt afraid.. at least i dun think so. i just cannot tahan. hate it. rather don't go for it. huhh. that's why i'm screwing up now. is this a psycological illness? either way, it's a mental problem. that bad kind. here i am talking about what i idiot i am, and what am i doing to change it. ughh.. but how to change??? i know it's bad, and people just assume that i should know how to change it, and should just go and change it. it's like when planning an event, then someone makes a totally stuuuuupid suggestion. u say dun do that lah, then the guy/gal gets pissed off, and goes, FINE. U THINK OF A BETTER IDEA LORH. then i dunno then he/she will say, NO BETTER IDEA THEN SHUT UP!!1oneone. it's just this wrong idealogy that since you know something is bad, you know how to fix it. it's totally not true. i can't stand it that people assume that. that's one of the main things that i find myself getting really, really boiled up about, when i try to talk logic with people(讲道理!). i gotta write that down, and tell my rising anger to shut up the next time. but will it work? okae.. once again, i have rattled on and on until i dunno how i got here. anyway, what i wanted to say was, the DJ was talking about a good way to reduce stress is to plan what u wanna do after the examinations. which is what i have always been doing. the only problem is, now, most people would say that i'm not stressed enough!! but i'm really totally stressed. that's why i just.. uuuuuuuuugh. dowan to think about it. and somehow i can don't think about it. totally. but people just don't like that, and keep reminding me. so i really can't keep it up. so what the heck. then, to connect it with what i was saying about youth just now.. hahaha... say everything then connect. what, connect four ah. ahemm. okae. what i was saying about youth just now. youth then, got piano. UGH. BLOODY WOMAN JUST STARTED YELLING> DON"T MIND THIS BIT!!!!!!!!!!!11ONEONEONE. youth got piano. then dropped it. then now.. really with hadn't. listen to people like geof, pamela, peeps playing piano, it's like.. i shld be able to do that, i want to be able to do that, why can't i do that??? it's just so beautiful, i was such an idiot for giving it up. then there are other things, other things that i want to do now. okae, some of them i wanted to do since long ago, but my parents didn't let me do. i dowan to say anything about those. u know how i feel about them(UNNECCESSARY RESTRICTIONS!!!! LISTEN TO COACH CARTER!!!!! FEAR OF SUCCESS!!) . ahem. then there are other things that i recently got interest in. like music mixing. like real pop vocals. like piano, guitar, drumming(this is one of the above yelling shout shout scream tear hair lock myself in my room things), like wushu, like street acrobatics, like japanese(another), korean language(is there another name? koreanese? stupid me.). like real computer graphic design. i know i can do it if i try. but the thing that is killing me is, why didn't i do learn it earlier, from young?? why can't i learn it now? blaaaargh. dunno what to do.. now i got nothing that i want to do that i can do. it's just so stupid. these parent-type creatures, they have a list of thing they want you to accomplish. but once you also want to accompish it, they strike it off their list of things they want you to accomplish, and want you to do other things. bloody stupid, if you ask me. there's nothing i want to do that i'm allowed to do now.. cepting... pumping myself to death, then i sleep.. time to knock it down. 10:43 pm Tuesday, September 06, 2005
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it's past midnite, once again illegally online, hurhur.. found the old keyboard tucked away in the storeroom, so tt woman can kop the main one as much as i care.. so long as she doesn't figure i got this one.. =)now suddenly it's like, missing ppl. hurhur. talk about random. people i never really talked with a whole bunch even.. maybe now they're away. overseas. maybe they'll be back soon, or maybe the last time i saw them was.. so long ago, i can't even remember the date. but it's just like.. i dunno. shld have treasured them whilst they were near. but it's really quite pointless in saying so.. cause in the end, there are so many ppl near me now, and what am i doing? dreaming of those gone far away... ooh. since we're into randomnessness, i've got this wicked craving for churros. i love churros. hurhur. but you can never find a stand selling em in Singapore. so much for being a food haven. or maybe it's just me. huhh. okae. slept since 8 till around 10.30, then played solitaire till around a while ago. solitaire is just.. the stupidest game to get addicted to, i tell you. but i think it's wearing off. i've only played close to two hundred games in the past fortnight. at least it's better than a pacman addiction, ahem ahem. okae.. i think i'll leave now. this keyboard isn't the best for typing, too noisy. but just fine for typing in random bits of stuff here and there, so off i go to float around the net awhile. chow =) 12:19 am Sunday, September 04, 2005
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 today everyone seemed pretty happy, which is good. the reason why i noticed it(it's not always like this!) isn't. but then again maybe it's just my psychotic brain working up. hurhur, actually managed to forget to bring hp and wallet today, cld just slap myself. ah. generally everything was.. not normal. but i can't think of a way to describe it. so nothing, =) haha.. seriously. am i tt funny. seriously. lol. sch is getting buggy. yesyes, why am i talking about sch during hols! everyone is going like, yay hols, all i can say is bleah. every dya except thursday, and now thanks to bennett maybe including thursday, i'll be going back to sch early in da morn sia.. monday got bio prac and test, tues and wed math remedial, which i nead dearly, getitng twenty percent for math. math ah... want to die already lah. dunno lah. just try to pia all the formula during this holidays. it's just tt i dunno where to use what formula, so randomly use, then all wrong! yayy. haiyah. nevermind lah. tok so much oso useless. everyone can only tell me, da only way is practice. which i intend to do, but... hahaha.. better not but anything. otherwise i kena retained in sec 3 or something. dun think bob will even let me do tt, having someone retain will make RI's reputation go down the drain, so he'll probably rather kick me out. then whee dunno go where liaoz. nvmind.. lessons are as usual, still use stoney, except maybe wallabados lessons' where also as usual, all hell breaks lose. then she will start shouting nicely, at nobody in particular, why we are so bad to her, etc etc.. nobody can answer her lah, and i told her why.. "This Raffles Programme thing is making everyone go mad already.. madder than this King Lear that we are studying.. even our counterparts in RGS oso want to feng diao already.. so dunneed to ask these people why.. they aren't sane enuff to answer." then she started shouting nicely, not in that i'm getting pissed off and going to blow my top voice, but just loud voice, to nobody in particular, that she understands tt it's very stressful and all that crap, but pls calm down and keep quiet blah blah so tt she can continure lessons. the interesting thing is, she never asked me since everyone is insane already why i'm not. the boring thing is in the end, after a which she just gives up and starts teaching nobody in particular, whilst people play table tennis on three tables lined up at the back of the classroom, or mess with a soccer ball. at which point i would either go to sleep, join in the others, do other homework that is horrendously overdue or listen to her. the last, very seldom, because she's often over twenty pages behind where i am, and i figure the notes she gave us cover everything, if not more than she teaches. so, lol. on a separate note, if u think we're v bad for playing soccer in class, i'm toking about just juggling the ball lah. always trying to do stupid tricks with the ball, we all. well, it's still better than 3E right.. they basically take a ball, and take turns ramming it as hard at they can in any direction whilst everyone who is waiting their turn ducks and covers. the failse celing there is covered with cracks. so, dotz. haha. walabados should be thankful she doesn't teach that class. another period that occasionally manages to be interesting is chem.. do loads of practicals, and every single time she will threaten the class with not ever being allowed ot do practical again. i go to 3G for chem, cause taking normal, not advanced chem(not pro enuff mah).. and this class is like, the star of the whole batch. not in a good starry sense. in a ebil supernova exploding mass destruction sense. the entire staff lives either in hate or fear of them. i either dispise or admire those who have the courage to hate, because they either don't know anything about what these guys are really like(the former, cause some can be really nice guys if they are in the mood, and others actually muggers, lol) or they are just pissed off cause these guys cld be so much better. in their opinion. i say: they're expressing themselves. it doesn't seem particularly bad. they aren't going around cuffing teachers on the back of their heads, or vandalising anything too badly, apart from the door that was previously almost ripped down then replaced before it happened, following a visit by the dicipline master. My theory is they fear a tonguewhipping followed by a sitting on by him. mostly the latter. it's a pretty obvious fact that he wears custom made. you really don't want to make him get physical with you. let's just say, you'll be seriously, seriously mismatched. size-wise. and otherwise. i really don't want to find out. =) ahh.. but i disgress. chem lessons, it's just fun to mess around with chemicals. =) it's my thing, you could say, if math isn't. i'm just okae at it. no way i'd get into chemical business. tooo boring. real life applications for chemistry are prob just the most boring of the three sciences, physics being the best. dat's why i wish i could rock at physics instead of chem.. but it's just not meant to be. one second, i go and search for last year's yearbook, hehheh. =) for, ahem, somebody ah. yea. * * * searching for people... it's not easy bah. help each other out now.. i hope in the future, other people elsewhere will oso help me find those whom i seek.. somehow.. maybe it woul dbe looking for a grain of sand in a swimming pool of salt, but i gotta do it somehow.. aiyah, now gotta rush off again. nevermind.. what i was giong to say.. haha.. chem class is pleasently slack. and somehow wierdly provoking. i suck at drawing stuff. why the heck did i draw that thing in my notebook? who knows. lol, catching wen hao disease, must end blog entry on a single word or phrase. not any more. darn. 5:02 pm |