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Monday, August 29, 2005
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getting back all the results, never felt so helpless before. i mean, i've screwed up big time before, but now it looks like it's here to stay.really cannot tahan, everyone i know is so pro without having to do much or anything at all. blaah. what just pisses me off is the situation now. it's threatening everything i ever planned seriously to acheive. that's never happened before.. somehow it all pulls through. because i keep going. maybe somehow it's not all over yet, but.. it realyl doesn't look good. people are just talking against me, and flying solo, and not by choice, like jun yang.. ugh. cannot stand him. everywhere he goes he just takes over. one of those obsessive solo leaders. if Singapore were to change to become a dictatorship by vote, that feller will just go and become sultan of Singapore, i tell u.. cannot tahan. pro at everything. it's really quite pointless for me to say anything. i should know that by now. people will only tell me; it's your own fault, this is your own doing, who ask you slack, who ask you go and do useless things all the time.. who ask u dream. i'm sorry lorh.. dreaming had brought me this far. i thought i was good. i guess it was all for nothing. what i told the section during CCA day is coming back and working on me. the higher you climb, the further you fall when you do. that's what's happening, everywhere in my life. and i really don't know what to do anymore. should i keep going for my goals? or should i just give up and become a chao mugger.. doi even have the ability to do that now, to turn back. or is it like this dastardly Raffles Programme that turned my education and life thus far into a nightmare. so sorry lorh. dreaming.. going for goals everyone can only say are too lofty to acheive, wanting to go the route less taken, path less trod.. all it's done for me is to tear everything up. why should i continue. why should i not refrain from expressing how i feel. when people say that it's a cruel world out there, it's really just because of their own perception; they perceive it to be, so it is to them. but why do they perceive the world that way? why do i? uggh. if i ever wanted to suicide, it was for such completely incompetent reasons compared to this that offers itself to me before. hahh, but i'm not that dumb, i think. ................. never mind. here's the tale.. but now i just don't feel it the way i did before. i really should, and i'm still trying to change. it's just that.. circumstances make me act certain ways. because i'm used to reacting that way, because that was how i reacted in the past when i didn't know how to react, and it became a very bad habbit. it's bullcrap to lots of people, but never mind.. like i said. it's pointless talking about these stuff, because some people just don't understand, don't want to understand. hardened your heart, have you. well, no longer have you the choice whether or not to. henceforth, your heart is hardened not by yourself. ugh. stop. here it is.. "A certain shopkeeper send his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for forty days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived. " Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, prople were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man's attention. "The wise man listened attentively to the boy's explaination of why he had come, but then told him that he didn't have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours. " 'Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something,' said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. 'As you wander around, carry this spool with you without allowing the oil to spill.' "The boy began climbing stairs and decending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was. " 'Well,' asked the wise man, 'did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see that garden that took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?' The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him. " 'Then go back and observe the marvels of my world,' said the wise man. 'You cannot trust a man if you don't know his house.' "Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all the works of art on the celings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything ahd been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen. " 'But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?' asked the wise man. "Looking down at teh spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone. "Well, there is only one piece of advise i can give you,' said the wise man. 'The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon.' " 9:11 pm Sunday, August 28, 2005
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there's a story i want to share, but it's seriously long, so i'll have to type it in abother time.. parents are, as usual always getting on my case about doing anything except mugging and doing homework.. and i've this sorta-fever, 37.7, heh. i'll live tho, so what the h3ck. maybe i'll pon ten choir tmr, =D haha.. see how lah.there's a lot of talk about going out now, and i'm considering it more seriously. time flies by so fast, this year is gone even faster than all the years before, probably with the exception of P6. maybe around the same. but i think sec4 will pass even faster.. is it because there are more things to do? because we're more occupised with things, we don't take notices; or is it because we're having fun doing what we do? i dunno.. but things are getting out of hand, in my case at least.. haiz.. dun feel like complaining anymore, because it just gets me more pissed off.. which is a good thing. tells me to shut up. there's so much to talk about. huhh. i could be here typing till two in the morning. but i really don't have that kind of time. hmm. well.. about the story that i wanted to type in then. today there was talk, can't remember whether it was in sunday school or service, about all these people who were always trying to find the way to happiness.. i guess there's really no answer to that delima, because this world is really just an imperfect place.. it's not my home, our home. just passing thorugh, the ups and downs of life are what make me as happy as i can be here. it is possible to rejoice in times of trial or sorrow, if only we know why we're going through what we are. that's what i believe. so the story is really just another of those "secret to happiness" things. but it's one of those which i think has a certain little meaning, so i think it really might be part of the way. haha.. how to say it without spoiling the story. well.. i guess, my interpretation is; throughout our existence, wonder at all the glorious things that God has done and created, but at the same time, never forget the little jobs that are given to us to accomplish now.. that's what i wish i could do, for real. not having a permanant job purposely.. it's interpreted by psycologists to be some sort of mental instability, but.. i dunno. it's just a means for me to accomplish this end. but then, it's really not an end, because it'll go on, until His kingdom come, or until i'm called home, huhh. to marvel at the things He has created, and the people and communities which are becasue of Him, and experiencing it with people whom i love; and at the same time, never to forget the little mission that is entrusted unto me; to do as much as i can to bring all these people, whom i love, to Him. the reason is simple; because i love them. the Bible doesn't say much about what happens after heaven, but that after a thousand years, they will be released from hell, or something towards that meaning.. along with the devil. all that it says after that, as far as i can interpret, is that the devil will once again be thrown into the firey lake, this time for all eternity. which is a good thing. but what of the people whom i fail to bring to Him.. i don't know, and i really don't want to think about it now, becasue all i can tell is; there is no answer known to man. and that's not a pleasant thought. it has to be tackled, and one day i will sit down with close friends to discuss it, but.. until then, may i never have to worry about loved ones going.. there. but i do. haiz.. talk is cheap, and i feel that i'm cheapening myself. but i'm stuck here, and that's that. beyond that, i'm making it more difficult for me to go where i am headed; or that's how it seems. technical education matters, the impracticalities of certficates and examinations where everyone is cheating but i cannot, and all this crap. they never seems such a big trouble before. huhh. impossibilities will finally get me. i would finish off the last thing i had to say, but.. that woman is ready to kill once again. i need to find another way to express how she is about to take my life. let's just say.. i've forgotten. great. i hate this woman. and that man. they spoil everything. such is the hole in my testimony. 10:38 pm Saturday, August 27, 2005
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that day was really wierd. thursday. step out the door, something funny's going on. people were alerady up over the place even tho i had gotten up earlier than normal. walk towards the train station, lightning flashed behind the clouds and highlighted the edges. it never rained until the next afternoon.that one.. that person. hahh. there are so many, but what t3h heck. i'm so glad it's back to normal for you. it got so screwed up that i gave up, i'm sorry. but there really wasn't anything more i could do for you. but now, it's okae, somehow, i think. so i'm glad. nee ann poly was cool. was telling pathy and si en, from primary sch to RI, it's like, woww, big place, possible to get lost during the first couple of months. then go nee ann, it's like, hahha, all over again. really big. when they start numbering their canteens, you know it's a big place. it's related. somehow when i go places, i know people. i don't know how i know them, but somehow i just feel that i do. of course they don't recognize me, but then if they did i wouldn't be here thinking. i haven't been to exactly a lot of places, but.. it's just funny. as in, wierd. i wish i could just talk to them, but.. 害羞. huhh. ... ... it's like bro edmund said. saying goodbye.. imagine it's the last time. he talks about death, that when that person comes back, it'll be for your funeral, and stuff like that, but actually, isn't it true that when we meet people everywhere, and get to know them even in the slightest, it's really like, we'll never see them again?? watch chinese wu xia xiao shuo,that's how it is when friends meet again; it's such a rare thing, they really spend loads of time together. then when it's time to part ways, it's really in the knowledge that we'll enver meet again, because China is such a dang big place. that's how i feel it; every time. mostly which those people i've met and known, but of course with those i've gotten to know. well, i'm human. i'm afraid to get to know. in the same way, it's because of this that i'm saying, never mind i'll find these people again. i remember them; i remember some small details. if i have to search the world and befriend all the miltary and police around the world to help me find them, i will somehow. i've got to. because i've got unfinished business with you. so many people that i've met in so many different circumstances. but why didn't i just do it then, or now? why wait? ... i lack the courage. and there's another thing about saying goodbye so often. it's so convinient, to say something then leave before the other party can reply, can have time to think about what to say. not that it's right, but.. in the same way, always going around, that's how it becomes sometimes. i hope it never becomes like that for me, because i never want to be forced to leave a place or someone because i've got a schedule, because i'm in a hurry somewhere else. i want to be whereever i want to be, or with whoever wants me for as long as neccessary, or even possibe. ... haiz, thinking about it, it seems so impossible, but i know i'll do it. it seems the word is about that i'm a guy for impossibilities. somehow, i can convince teachers otherwise about things, make them think; somehow, i'm slacking, but then i'm not; then i am again, and somehow i survive the year, i get promoted to the next level. it doesn' t sound good; it makes me sound.. insecure? hahaha... yea, but insecure in this case, not in the emotional sense. but doesn't this just lead to the latter? and if this isn't the truth, didn't i get into RI this? and do i regret it? i don't know. but that's how it is now. going everywhere and meeting everyone, and talking to everyone, having a portion of time when souls can contact, i believe it'll give me something. it'll help me understand people better; as a whole, and individually. and somehow, i have this unconcious conviction that this will give me further courage to do things that i've enver before been thick-skinned, or daring, or just man enough to do. with people. for people. to people. for me. ... maybe i'm thinking too much. the situation now is, i'm not allowed to take O levels as a private candidate. that's what i've heard; i want to confirm it before i believe it. but then again, i've got no reason to disbelieve Si En.. whatever. i'll check it out. because that would just worsen matters for me, not being able to take O levels. i'm soo deep into this damn RP thing that i can't back out now. they've been teachign O levels syllabals, yes, but ever so extremely slowly, such that we really can't do O levels now. it's too late to turn back. instead, we're stuck with a bunch of other knowledge that we will only need to attain certificates much later in life. will we even remember it all after NS? all this, it sounds very superficial, all about getting those stupid papers on which my employement counts. but i can't help it; that's how we've made our world, and i will ned some small measure of savings to carry me around in case of emergency, and such a wide range of skills that will make it easy for me to find a job anywhere in this world to keep me alive physically until my mission on this world is complete, until my race has ended. i just pray that once again, against all odds, as they say it, there is a way somehow. i pray God's blessings in this sense will stay with me, because i'm convicted that this is what i should do with this life He has given to me once again. and i pray that the blessings of everyone i know are with me also. because it does matter, knowing that people are praying for you, are concerned about you. people in far away lands.. it seems so fake to us, but onyl because we never really knew these people properly, because they are always so far away. so i promise that i will never stay far away. i will always be there for everyone; but i doubt. doubt that people will want me. let me know, please, because when you are not desired anywhere, but only not minded.. that is such a great pain. as it is now. so i pray that i can, will be wanted. and i will be able to be there. let me, as the Book prophesied, run to and fro on the face of this earth. all this awaits me. Lord, help me walk towards this, with you by my side. give me strength to prepare myself for what will come, and keep me on the path. all this awaits me. in the near future. 明天. 11:51 am Tuesday, August 23, 2005
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blehh. everything is sounding really negative now, isn't it?i came up here because i wanted to change that feeling. but it's just so. it's freakin irritating, but.. i gotta break free of this man. everything is getting me down and making me pissed off with people now. stupid school. i need more stuff outside of school to make me forget about school. more or less completely; complete enough for me to be doing okae in subjects, but also.. blah. whatever. i can only delay this now. just a while more.. down, rising mind, down, sweet heavens. i will not be mad. let me finish these tasks. then something substantial will, must be done. 10:02 pm •
wah liu, it's like, co-ordinated PMS or sumthing, ppl. or is it supposed to be at the same time one. bue ta han.CCTs finishing liaoz, left chemistry on thurday and E.lit on tuesday next week.. and it seems that nowadays toh only comes on wednesdays from. whatever the reason, it's just a little change to this seriously monotonous school timetable. year is ending, and everyone's behind time, it seems.. just me especially. but then maybe everyone thinks that way. AGM is pushed back, so the sec fours remain in power some more.. hurhur.. the only bad thing is that the new exco will have less time to discuss with toh the things to happen next year, and a year-of-end camp becomes a decreasing probability. hearsay the current exco was ordered by toh to make a camp at the end of last year, but then he implemented one third of the entire camp to be choir training. the other two thirds were sleeping, and activities etc. not very funny, so i won't say lol. whatever. things gonne have to change around here. if i can't help do it when i'm sec four i can't help ever. this period is gonna be really packed man. let's see. to condense everything, there's schoolwork. which is really only half a million diffferent assignments of sorts. then there's the AGM, registration to be a PSL next year, planning to be done for the new sec ones' entry next year, and catch-up mugging to be done. lol. i think i'm the only one who does that sort of thing at the end of year for a good reason. because all the classes, all the stuff.. loads of it er, haha,didn't get it for some reason, eh? hahaha... so kachaio teachers and add to their stress at the end of the year by asking for tution here and there, hurhurhur.. but maybe this year oso no time, hahh. whatever. whatever subjects most cham then do. okae, i digress. on top of all that school crap, there's gonna be Christmas cantata by 'the other choir' to be done, shall refrain from comment on that. then gonna see if i can't get myself signed up for some proper night classes for jap. yea man. question is, where's the money gonan coem from? hurhurhur... then i gotta get 6K together again, or at least the guysgals, u know. kao, someone's gotta, can't let everything go pop. maybe Ms. Tan will be back for Christmas, we can pull something fun off. last few times basically when we got together there was really no plan so we walk around stoning and the girls end up going off and walking around themselves, then ying hao qing shen they all will zhao somewhere else, then a bunch of us will be there, thinking what the heck. it's not a very fun thing.. dunno what's happened since the old days. time? yea... but.. wth. aah. that's another reason why i hate money. u need money to loads of stuff together man. haiz. whatever. that's not true, and i know it, but.. somehow. whatever. i'll get something to work out. it always does when it has to. if it doesn't, i guess it's just saying, too late, go away loser, cause i'm pretty darn sure something has to happen soon or we'll just all break. like we haven't already. now suddenly there's a lot of discussion about racism and schools and stuff. huhh. wonder why. LHL's first national day rally? perhaps. but there are things to think about that should have been long ago, and now they are, so it's just as well. blah. then there's that damn woman at home. 6:09 pm Monday, August 22, 2005
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things are pretty screwed now, past controlling.. they can suddenly declare a major test the end of the week that takes up dunno how much percent.. then teacher gives me zero for the entire term because of work that i never recieved.. can i be blamed if i never knew there was such a test, such an assignment, and yo never told me despite my asking you? after i came back frmo international competition with a gold, all that happens is catching up with homework. fine. i asked everyone what homework i missed. by everyone i mean the teachers. then wala come and tell me, orh, all the assignments that u handed in, none of them i'm counting for CA; all those tt u didn't i'm counting, so u get zero. of course i get bloody pissed off, and since the whole class is bloody noisy, as usual during her lessons, cause she's a lawyer not a teacher, can't control class at all, start yelling and discover that i enver recieved all those assignments. and largely is because of i overseas. then i asked you u never give me??? wtf?? so tmr gonna find her and shuan zhang. english is my bloody best sujbect. u oso know how to say of all the people who sleep i doing the best by far.another thing is this bloody dumb policy of passing out worksheets. if someone busy doing work, never heard, or the place is too damn noisy and can't hear a thing, then u pass the worksheets and never reaches some students, who is the one to blame? why don't u just bloody give out all the work only at the end of the lesson, so before going for the next lesson all the students will go to the teacher's table and collect the assignments??? isn't that the bloody best way, that has been going on for like, forever in the US?? wtf?? gonna get to the Director of academic studies ont hat. stupid woman, she's one of those who created this whole RP shytload. blah whatever. no use complaining here. go complain to someone so it matter, and meanwhile do what i can lah. out. 9:02 pm Friday, August 19, 2005
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soo bludy tired.. dunno why. hahh. poo.bball wif arnold and geof, lol, so i can't take them two on one. whatever. at least 5-10, right? not bad liaoz, summore got nobody to feed me the ball lah, tt's what's important. den go geof's palce do photos thing, finaly solved to transitions problem, now can just throw it to someone to do the menial task of putting in the 500 photos one by one, muahahah... oh yea, then RCS AGM, geof is secretary, wah wah. lol, expected he get some post lah, he's been doing everything, then GEPpers dun no do what, den get all the main posts. whatever lah. me, i join in sec one but never go, then this year then started going, lol, dunneed to expect anything. haiz, today wala come back to class and tok kok again, all sorts of excuses lah.. actually, almost everyone is a nice person when they're sane.. with the exception of those few lah.. those ppl, i really wu hua ke shuo. wala is quite sad, so i'm glad i thought about it and realized earlier.. she said that the reason she quit practicing law even tho she was put through law sch was cause she had to do some "unethical stuff".. dunno what lah, oso duneed to know, cause ethics is an individual opinion.. you can't manipulate and judge other's morals, cause morals and based on beliefs.. you can pursuade, you can make it seem that it's otehrwise because it is, but otherwise, you can't do anything, and you shouldn't. morals.. there are many, but then there are the right and wrong, then there are those that are really up to you to decide. so, whatever. got back assignment 9, it's like, whoopee, 92 percent, lol.. all other math assignments got 50 percent and below except for assignment one at de beginning of the year, lol.. so this piece is going into the stupid math portfolio for sure, hur hur.. now all i ened is one test and one performance task with good results.. not much time left to do ah, gotta hand in portfolio soon.. Raffles Programme is total shyt lah.. today it's really confirmed liaoz, everything that we suspected.. cause a teacher told us, hurhur, wun say who, skully tt person kena frmo board of governers or something. RP is really totaly SHYT, cause nothing was planned. they just said, okae, lets change the teaching system then let the students go into RJC without taking O Levels!!!!! those Assholes. no teaching system was formulated, no regulations, nothing. everything was left up to the teachers teaching now, and then they said that these teachers, as the poineers, wld decide what the RP wld be like, how they teach if good, then will be copied by future teachers. uuuuugh. frik it. seriously cannot tahan these assholes. now i try to do O level past year papers, can't do a shyt, then alter go A levels u ask me to catch up on everything????? friks dous. you bastards who didn't give a shyt whether or not we get on as well as other students who are taking o levels are going to ruin our lives or some shyt. you can go, oooh, it's nt our fault, u all can go and study all the normal O level curriculem urselfs. then WTF, why the hell am i paying two hundred bloody dollars to come and be told to go and study myself?? wtf. 200 bucks a month. u think i'm frikkin full of money? i have to borrow money to go on a frikken competition to REPRESENT THE BLOODY SCH. one good thousand, now i've sumhow paid back using savings. gd thing my parents at least help me paid 1000(i won't say how every single other person in the choir was fully paid by parents), but next year there's to be another competition overseas, and how the shyt am i to come up with the cash? thank goodness a flight was cancelled on this trip, and they decided t compensate us with 503 Singapore dollars. that'll go to sending me overseas next year for the competition, then there's new year cahs, say a hundred. i'd be dancing if there was even 150, hahahahah.. but what the hell, nobody owes me that money. i shldn't really even be expecting it. frikken knows why i am. bloody money. if only there was never a need for it. blargh.. sometimes it really like, suddenly i stop and ask myself, why the heck am i doing what i'm doing? why do i laugh, why do i cry, why do i blow up, why do i even think why? why do i dream of things when i'll probably never be able to acheive them, for aren't so many people against me, and ever so many more who don't give half a crap? uuuugh.. just blardy tired. maybe i'm just realizing the full entity of this tiredness now cause i'm really, really physically tired now for sum unknown stupid reason.. i wake up feeling tired, on MRT standing for da 1/2 hr trip feeling tired, flag raising feelinging tired, classes, duneed to say, i even sleep in some, hahh.. if i really totally can't understand at all what the teacher is saying, tt is.. or if it seems that tchr is repeating everything over, and very slowly.. haiz, got things to ask, can ask after lessons riight? ahhahaha.. like me, then kau hlep me and annan two ppl only, then two of us actualy dunno how to do one, then do until 90 plus percent.. of course all those other idiots got 90 sumthing percent, but this doesn't come to me every day, it's like a 200% improvement from the average score last semester, i got 30% lorh.. den summore i never copy. sumtimes i really wonder why i do things lorh. like, wtf, just copy the damn thing and hand it in, and get t3h marks??! dats's what everyone else is doing, and that's how they're all "doing so well in class"... and the most rediculous things about it is, they still can do well in tests. normal tests they just copy again, but then semester tests, i haven't a clue how they do it. quite difficult to copy, no? just a recent test, feng shuo just put da note on his left and test on his write and just refer and answer everything. if he dun get blardy high for his bio test, i tok diao. but nooo, u gotta act wei da liek a idi0t and just dun hand in, get get Gero for everything. bardy stupid faggot, think ur so big deal, wah wah i never copy. friks lah. and den, another thing is, why u ppl are so sure u know stuff? how do u know why people are behaving in certain ways?? are u sum sort of blardy psychologist? even if u are hor, what makes u so shure anyway? just cause everyone else who acted liddat had tt problem because of blah blah blah?? GENERALIZATION. frikken. it may solve a lot of problems, but then it also causes a lot more. like bias and racisim and all the other -ism-s. frikken. people are good at acting okae. and there are reasons. and there's no reason why u shld think tt the person doesn't know why he or she is doing what he/she is unless tt person says so. so frikken zi. acting.. putting up a front. ugh. u just have to know there are reasons, okae? sumtimes it can be fixed by u doing sumthing on ur part, like clarifying sumthing, or just plain taking care of urself, understanding why we aren't doing sumthing. a lot of times it's cause what u want us to do wld hurt u. frikken, u might think who cares, i don't mind, i blardy asked u to do it. but wtf, dun want u to get hurt, i caint do it maan. and dun think i'ma gonna sit a around-a and let u hurt urself neither. then there are other times, ever ever ever so seldom, when u shld really just screw off. but really, if tt's the case the person wld just tell u, if he had half a brain. but then again maybe dun really want u to go away, but there's just problems. it's a complicated crapload, okae??? asjkdnoasnkdoansdopfnapwerogtnaopweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruweruiv buhasdnkgwwjo[aweripghiprgjQ{ Q{ Q{ Q{ Q{ Q{ 90j wioejuo vt89wrhieruthuirgpsuo[ okae. whatever. ugh. just dun always assume u know, tt uralways right, that things are how they seem. i'm not talking about perception only either, i'm talking about how u feel that it is, or hypothesize or any other cheemo words u can think up. whatever. memories ruch back to disppear again whatever.. everything just goes on and ignores me, but why shouldn't it? why should anyone care? choir prac tmr, gonna for pool on sunday, etc etc etc. everything echos way too loud. my ears hurt. and i'm beginning to doubt the birds. what's happening? 8:12 pm Thursday, August 18, 2005
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... things are going wierdly now, wierdly normal. and monotonous. been a while.. but i guess things will become like that after a while. haiz. i dunno what to think. just.. wanna say, wt-, who cares, sometimes.is that what happens, then? when.. what. fine. nothing happens when nothing happens. so it's my fault, whatever. uugh. nevermind. ignore. they were talking about going for some holiday, when i have to pay for my own competition trip overseas. when i got soemthing to achieve over there, they're sitting around wondering, where sould we go? for how long? blehh. whatever. anyway, they were talking about going with some other people.. like sandy & co. hah. just funny. cause we go quite far back, since California. but whatever. just interesting, but not too.. unexpected? no, it is, but then the reason for it not to be is the very same. we went down south a few years back. but then it's not like we really kept in touch. so.. whatever. suddenly doing loads of hw again, huhh. it's real stupid, but i guess it's time to pick it all up again. everything just has to fall apart to really start to treasure the things that seem so.. troublesome usually, huh? u know i've always been thinking about it. but now it's, haha. why not. it's a topic in sunday sch right now, and i've been kinda thinking more about it again. it's heaven; it can't be that bad, right? it's something to think about. and write about, very possibly. writing really helps me think, anyway. so yea. it's just this funny thing about thoughts, and memories.. suddenly it's like they're right here, and we're right there. then suddenly, it all vaporizes, and everything is fuzzy when you try to relive them again, purposefully, to recall. haiz. bear with me, you know. just a load of random thoughts, and a stupid girl sitting next to me yelling because she decided that she didn't want to use the com to chat all day, and only after i came back from sch. had to see DPD recently, hahh. these high-ranking staff really have no life, and understand nothing about what's going on. basically went blah blah, teachers are all saying that you aren't handing in any homework, not paying attention in class, blah blah blah, and made it all seem like i'm the absolute scum of the world. then in the end to make it seem like she's not too harsh, for some reason, dunno what, she gave me the soo much potential but not putting it to good use routine. whatever. what, can i get her sacked by writing to the board of governers for telling me off for screwing up my worK? i knew that myself long time ago, d'oh, and if i didn't, what makes you think that you telling me will make me realize? if it get better, it's ebcause i have to will to, and becuase people around me are willing to help. plain talking will get nowhere, especially when ti's not talk to inspire. if a short talk like that will change me, the world will become full of angel-like beings once i tell them to quit being f***ers. ahah.. just thinking about it, really. DPD. dead piro day, director of pupil development.. singapore really has a thing for acronyms. hahh. okae. random. 8:26 pm Sunday, August 14, 2005
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... Paulo Coelho, gotta be the best author ever born of man. The Alchemist. hearts.. i wonder. 11:09 pm Friday, August 12, 2005
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chinese o level results back huh.. haiz, dunno lah. i get to take an extra year of chinese into J1, and still duneed to take O level chinese.. i guess really lucky lah. dunno. it seems so far away, but then.. i know it's not. hah. really stupid, isn't it.dunno exactly how people are feeling.. but i think i could hazard a guess. it's always that sort of feeling when you get results for something which you've put so much effort into, and the reward isn't explicit, it's not the kind of satisfaction a guy could hope to, and usually get from doing other stuff.. like learning.. stuff. just because we're learning it. like windsurfing. like random akido and judo moves. like singing. the reawrd just isn't explicit, isn't gained just by doing it. who ever rejoiced when teachers announced tests or pop quizes. then when it comes, it's just this wierded out kinda feeling, you know? just like.. okae. now what. inside, we're asking, okae, how should i be feeling now, all the while knowing that we should be content with what we have, knowing how certain others did in comparison, but that just doesn't make sense to some part of you. part of me. today got back chinese CCT, just one day after it was done, and everyone was going, kao, lao shi, why u mark so fast? in the end all the people who make so much noise are the ones who did really well, for some reason.. totally against the theory of the emptiest vessels make the least noise. i guess it's just that these RI guys are just full fo crap lah, no theories will work with them. nothing will make sense to anyone else. whatever lorh, then teacher was like, wah, zhuang kai, u passed, so happy so happy. then i'm like, okae, that sounds good, maybe i did better this time. it did seem a lot easier. then get it back, it's like, wtf, 27/50. waah. i passed. yippe yai yo. so kao bei lorh. then i'm forced to ask myself again.. why the heck am i so interested in learning languages of the region when i can't even make myself even moderately proficient with my own mother tongue. the tongues of my people. dialects and stuff inc. it's like, wtf all over again. and then i'm like blehhhhhhh... i dunno how lah. it's this kinda thinking that motivates me to do stuff; the thrill of learning stuff cause it'll bring me places, cause i wanna go those places. cause i wanna learn it. cause i wanna do it. but then it slips away, it's too easy to take for granted. so it's wtf all over again. dunno how lah. theres a lot of stuff i wanna do, but then there are so many limitations that i can't control, then there are limitations within myself, things that.. for no good reason, i can't bring myself to do. or i just can't name a good reason to myself or some crap. some crap. i will do it. yea man. just wait. wait ah. yea. wait. you wait here ah, i go and do. i go already ah, you dun go away.. kae? 9:33 pm •
feelings ji bored, in sch.. RCS just finished, stoning in com lab, geoffrey doing the Research Congress poster down here, hurhur.. sian diao so decided to use that stuupid website tt Yippe gave us during philo lesson to search up everyones names, hoho.FRIEDEMANN Gender: Masculine Usage: German Pronounced: FREE-da-men Means "man of peace" from the Germanic elements frid "peace" and man "man". like i didn't already know that.. haha.. but then again it's unusual names that make peopel go and find out what they mean, riight? GEOFFREY Gender: Masculine Usage: English Pronounced: JEF-ree From an Old French form of a Germanic name. The second element is Germanic frid "peace", but the first element may be either gawia "territory", walah "stranger", gisil "hostage" or god "god" (see Godfrey). It is possible that two or more names merged into a single form. lol, then when he found out, he was like going, hah, i ownz u, i god of peace, u man of peace. =.=" diaoz. ARNOLD Gender: Masculine Usage: English, German Pronounced: AHR-nold From a Germanic name meaning "eagle power", derived from arn "eagle" combined with wald "power". PAMELA Gender: Feminine Usage: English Pronounced: PAM-e-la The name was invented in the 16th century by the poet Sir Philip Sidney for use in his poem 'Arcadia'. He possibly intended it to mean "all sweetness" from Greek παν (pan) "all" and μελι (meli) "honey". RUTH Gender: Feminine Usage: English, German, Scandinavian, Biblical Pronounced: ROOTH From a Hebrew name which was derived from the Hebrew word re'uth meaning "friend". This is the name of the central character in the Book of Ruth in the Old Testament. She was a Moabite woman who was the ancestor of King David. haha.. i always thought the name ruth had something to do with ruthless.. ruthless is.. ruth, less..right? so ruth is.. un-ruthless. or something. hah. then if you check a dictionary ruth means sorrow. ho hum. DANAË Gender: Feminine Usage: Greek Mythology Other Scripts: Δαναη (Greek) From Δαναοι (Danaoi), a word used by Homer to designate the Greeks. In Greek myth Danaë was a princess of Argos and the mother of Perseus by Zeus, who came to her in the form of a shower of gold. lol, loads of names cannot be found lah.. esp. chinese names, duh lorh.. but those names, da meaning is easily fuond out, cause it's literal.. haha.. just check zi dian.. lol.. whateverz. go home. 4:04 pm Wednesday, August 10, 2005
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wtf. ... ... why can't anyone understand. nothing gets me more upset than when despite everything i do, nobody understands, and just keeps talking. and just keeps talking about their perception, and their interpretations, and their hypothesis. why doesn't anyone want to try to understand? i want to to try to understand. but why can't anyone let me understand them? why can't anyone understand me? aren't all these people i know or not, love or hate, aren't they all made in the image of God? aren't i made in the image of God? why can't we understand each other? why do people just stick to their thinkings? who is really open-minded? **** all that damn lessons in school, social studies and all that crap. why can't you just speak simple logic? why isn't there anyone? it's not that i haven't tried to look. i've tried. i've tried a bit. i've been afraid to ask many of the people who i know, so many.. the people who think they knew me, a bit. and they probably do. a bit. but what is a bit to eternity? why have i been willing to try to talk to the people who gave birth to me, who delivered me into this world physically after God had formed me? despite the so many times they have only torn me up and thrown me down, discouraged me every step of the way, in every endevour i tried to take? why have i been willing to try to open up to these two people, to try to open them up to me, despite all the heartache they give me, despite all their self-pride, belief that they know everything and are the ultimate authority, despite everything that they profess, despite calling themselves Christians? despite professing to believe the same things that i do? can there really be anger because of love? doesn't the Bible say that there isn't? doesn't it? is it because i've been living physicaly with them? because i feel indebted to them for all the things they felt that they have been forced to provide me with? because i am commanded by Law uncorruptable to respect them? what kind of stupid reasons are those? why couldn't i have just tried to open up to others more? why couldn't i have just .. why didn't i just fall that time? why won't anyone try to answer me? why won't anyone let me answer them? why won't anyone be there? why haven't i got someone? 10:05 pm Tuesday, August 09, 2005
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... ... ... ... ... ... impurities just gotta be there with no salt, there's no sea foam ... but then why don't bubbles pop in the rain how does the kite fly in the tempest darkened sky why do people learn to forget why do some of them heed my call and others ignore when you stay in a place, people start making expectations of you. and when you don't meet up to these expectations, people get angry. or they just ignore you. who will say which is better or worse? but that is why i want to go. when you don't beong anywhere, maybe people will welcome you everywhere when you aren't anywhere, maybe people won't get angry when you are everywhere, maybe everyone will remember you, and take notice and take naught for granted. maybe if i never existed here there wouldn't be any sorrow because of me there wouldn't be any sorrow for me but there wouldn't be anything for me or from me neither.. who will say which is better or worse? still heed my call, ravens of that land friend 2:03 pm Sunday, August 07, 2005
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blargh. feeling so hopeless. what can i do? a group is only as good as the worst member, esp. in such a case.. music tainted by so much.. dunnowhatsits. incapable.yongfei gave me this IQ test, hurhur.. bet i'll do v badly lah. kaoz bei one. blah. this sux, you know. but what the heck. who cares. livee onnn~ ever tried going to google and language tools and selected Bork, bork, bork! please do. meet the Swedish Chef. 8:37 am Thursday, August 04, 2005
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YOU ARE AN Anglo-Chinese School (Independent) BOY! You are a sweet-natured person, though constantly seeking attention and affirmation from your peers. You are not very hard working... Which Singapore School are YOU FROM? brought to you by Quizilla lol, jokes.. this proves that the quiz is screwed.. anime image here People view you as a Loner Artist. Loner Aritist are exactly as their title says, loners and artist. Now you are not alone by choice but many people find you odd. This only bothers you when you're in a public place like a dance club or a crowded lunchroom so you tend to steer clear of those places. You might have a friend or two but they're either Loner Artists like you or Truly Dark. Fear not! So many artists are not appreciated in their own times! What Do People Truly See You As? (lots of outcomes and stunning pictures) brought to you by Quizilla stupid kok thong. You need understanding. In your life there has been many people that could never seem too comprehend your personality. Now you have either become an out-cast because of their narrow minds or you have adjusted yourself to them, and never letting them see who you are deep inside. You now think that no one will ever understand you and you hate that fact. Though you are scared of what the effects might be if you would decide to let someone in so you keep a safe distance that you both curse and bless. What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics] brought to you by Quizilla You have a twisted soul. You change your directions and mind easily. Your beauty is you over powering feature. But many enemies are surprised by your beauty and your great power to control wind Gem Stone: Amethist, Eye Color:Grey Blue,Hair Color:Grey that goes to your shoulder Blades Quote:And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear You shout and no one seems to hear. And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. What Is Your True Hidden Power? brought to you by Quizilla wow. woww. that was lame. but kinda okae semi-fun way to waste time. and now i'm all tired 5:11 pm •
feeling sooo tired these few days.. everyday i could just come home and sleep the whole time until like midnite, pacify my stomach then sleep till morn.. hahah.. but that's hypothetical. just feeling so dead tired all the time.. ughhh...listening to all those really melancholy pieces.. they come in all sorts, hahha.. hm, don't think they're all minor or something, but heck, i hardly know nuts about keys and stuff, and besides i don't really care too much, and wouldn't, if i wasn't trying to arrange some peices for some real street singing once the new exco takes over.. so yea. what the heck. purple robe, 明天, 删除, bunches of stuff, haha.. dunno. is there a pschological condition where people actually enjoy this kinda feeling? cause that'd be pretty creepy, and i'd probably have it, lol.. it's probably just called sadism.. aaah. tirednessness. i can't remember anything to talk about. just sleeep.. 3:56 pm Tuesday, August 02, 2005
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O nata lux de lumine, Jesu redemptor saeculi, Dignare clemens three years, poff, gone in a twinkling.. but good memories, eh? and more to look forward to.. the end of the years draws near, and this will be the time of calling and standing up to accept responsibility and the dependence of many people unto onself of many people in the school.. hoho.. yet within such a short time. and there are two major exams!! in what, eight weeks?! the CCTs, then common test two. like, what the crap. hur. as a side note, woww today's weather was freaky. it was like, pretty darn sunny, and we were like, playing handball.. then like, we stopped, then it like, suddenly went all dark and poured like crap.. like.. cool. huh. interviews next monday.. hur hur.. i only have to wait half an hour after sch ends for interview, just enuff to go get lunch frm J8 or something.. hurhur.. most prob just eat @ sch tho.. geof doing this wednesday, he has to wait till like, five thirty.. wasting two hours @ sch, dotz.. but maybe we just get together and do the corny captions for the slideshow.. haha.. haiz. everything is getting really draggy. my parents are getting more and more.. indescribable. makes me want to just go blamm, and cease to exist, but then do qi gong, hur hur, then i go and do hw like mad to get rid of the righteous fury. riiight... that's why i still have a huge pile of overdue hw.. hahaha.. blah. i have other things that i gotta do. like overdue hw. which i always say that i'm going off to do, but i hardly ever. always stuck doing some other crap. like blogging like this. i wanna do O Nata Lux again. i want these stuupid people to just slap themselves and be more natural on stage. i wanna ibook so nobody stop me from typing random crap alllll nite. yea. get well soon danne. 11:31 pm Monday, August 01, 2005
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full day off. whoopee do. everything i planned to do today, down the drain. blardy.early in the morn.. crap lah, i can't believe people actually wait outside the bank for it to open. wt-. guess i'll wait a week or so more. heh heh.. someone is really bored in sch eh? msging around.. lol... ... haiya. i'm wasting my life here on the com. have been since lunch. i gotta get outta here... 3:29 pm |