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danne |
Sunday, June 04, 2006
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i need to tell a story. it's related, in some sense, to what i tried to mention ytd.. and it's something i realized how to put into words today. so i'll try once more.expectations make a person behave in certain ways. but what happens when the expectations are so different in the different environments one person experiences at different times? being such a piliable guy in this sense only means that observations are made, and whichever part of the brain is in charge of these sort of things forces the body to behave in a vastly different manner from other situations. some call it split personality when it becomes extreme. this alone is connected to so many things.. months back, vexed over it, a friend i so seldom see tried to comfort me about it.. something about just being oneself. i forgot about it.. but really, who is one? if one is so easily manipulated by changing expectations, and roles to play in society.. how do others perceive me? in choir i'm one, in church i'm one, in classes i'm one, alone i'm one, amist strangers i'm one. in times of vagueness the mood plays a role even. ..anticipation is the knowledge that people will say, well, there's always a part of you that will stay the same, no matter what. your morals, your values, your beliefs, and the people whom you love. that's what makes you who you are. but these things.. despite the proverbs, somehow in society nowadays they don't really show through. everything is about guessing; who you think other people are. so many things people "know" about other people are based on guesses based on guesses. certain things, i can't explain, and though one may try to deny them, i can't change them. things like the way a person keeps changing like this, just based on the role that one feels would be the easiest to fill amongst a group of people, and at the same time tries to show, at the very least, a part of who you are. this may not always be true, but amidst overwhelming confidence, the effort to be the same sometimes.. just doesn't work. to take a silent role, simply because one , for some reason, doesn't know what to say at all when amongst these people. sometime, i must admit, in despiration i thought to myself, why the 'crime' of not having some vague blabbering to utter forth? and yet i know it's not what i mean, because these are the people i love. i've witnessed what kept me; the simple sincerity and beauty with which they sing for I Am. i can't help it. i'm overwhelmed. then in company of others, simplemindedness tempered with intellectual knowledge gifted of education, some confidence is inspired in one's own actions, despite the subconscious feeling that it is for the wrong reason.. respect for their personal areas of expertise, and yet feel confident about one's own areas of profession. thought through, it appears to be a vain sort of comfort, but realization showed me that it is more than this.. it's the comfort that one finds in people whom one is familiar with simply because of the sheer amount of time that we have spent together, and because of the obvious lack of a mask put on when we face one another each time we meet. we are simply who we are, and we don't try to be any more. we take comfort, because we may have company and not be judged. and that's why i fear the day i must leave these people.. other times are beyond expressing. sometimes amidst people who.. put up such a shallow front that we are simply all aloof in actual fact. that one might lower oneself to such a state shows only how much an interpersonal relationship is being avoided. so be it. i'll outdo all of you, without such a sacrifice. and then amidst those whom one chooses to be impersonal with for various reasons, they'll experience the mood swings and attitude. that's how it was before. hope i'm in a better mood by the next time we gather again. hypocritical, maybe, but i don't take insult well from people who are lousier, but think that they are better. june 22nd. if you would read this much, and can understand, i'm grateful, and truly. becasue.. i've lost faith in the human race. in so many things. and unlike others, nothing the world has shown me can turn it around, not charity, not rescue missions, not personal love for the stranger. i'm not even too such why. it's a wide guess, but it's probably because of the way the rest of the world is, when these people are these ways. the very method thorugh which i gained these knowledge is an example in itself. 8:27 pm |