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danne |
Saturday, June 03, 2006
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doing math halfway.. ugh. have i mentioned i don't like math? it's not that hard. it doesn't like me either so we usually just try to stay out of each others way.. but sometimes there's just no choice.. hahAha.. but right now, not even the almighty yahoo answers can help me, because i don't even understand the answer that is given? dohh.. and thus, tadaah, here i am. blogging.on a separate note, i seem to have a spasmic blogging habit.. looking at the [Edit Posts] page, it's always in bunches.. hmm.. maybe one day i'll graduate to even less seldom. for now, i think i'm content with being childish despite myself and coming for a rant about random nothingness up here whenever i feel like it.. and so, on a similiar note, BAH they never did upload the latest avatar episode on youtube. was supposed to be out ytd, albeit early in the morning. okae, so that was early in the morning today, our time. the guy who usually does it is frolicking about the states of the US, visiting relatives all over the continent, the lucky bugger. what a way to spend time.. going here and there with no deadlines, yet being able to come back to the real world any time. mehh. yesterday was spent happily at julian's place, lol.. was fun in an odd way. at least we got some stuff done, but after lunch everyone went to his bedroom and flopped onto the beds and the floor, followed by an appropriate comment about taking such human reactions to mealtimes into consideration when planning the schedule for this months' vocal training camp.. hAha.. then out came the cards and we played until everyone had to leave. around 3.30. and then we left. yupp. with the holidays, somehow the mind becomes more relaxed .. stopped waking without an alarm since yesterday, lol.. in fact, must have shut it off in my sleep, cause when i woke up, there it was in my hand. when i had put it on the table across the room to prevent this kind of stuff from happenning.. hmm.. where can i put it next? but what i was really referring to was.. it's easier to leave certain thoughts behind. time passes faster.. surprisingly. i don't know how to put it.. there are a lot of things i want to think about and talk about.. but now all i can do is dream about impossibilities. looking around, i don't know what to think.. too many things. ughh.. i think it's all hitting me in the head now, for leaving it alone so long. i don't even know what i want to say here.. let me choose one, and try to ignore the rest, for now.. it's really all connected, in such a big web, but.. one things is about expectations. you know that people always live by expectations. their expectations of themselves, and the expectations of others. usually, the latter plays a very major role.. which is something lamented by.. a bunch of people. several. haha.. you'll have to forgive me for writing this stuff out.. but it.. it's just a way for me to think.. i keep telling myself, one day, youre going to have to write it all out. all those plans, all those dreams. then you're going to pass it everywhere. fix it up, get people to blam it. but i never get started.. because different things come to me at different times.. certain things are just suddenly clear at certain moments, and the rest is a blur. i don't know if anyone can understand what i'm trying to say.. the world is just so.. shallow, it would seem. it's just, criticisms. aah. off topic. well, naturally, from the time we come into the world, for most of us the first expectations we start to try to live up to would be our parents, or whoever took care of us. of course there's the genetic inclination part, but i don't like science so i won't mention it here.. it's too complicated a deal, even for me to dig even partially. anyway.. just to give an example, maybe your parents exepected you to start reading at 7, so they would read to you from young and stuff, then come some point of time they would stop being nice about it and start blamming you about not being able to read by yourself. then you would be able to tell, okae, that's the age you're expected to be able to read by. the point is, some people expect less, and some people expect more from the individual. maybe some people expect a kid to be able to grab a book from the library and sit down and read by five or six, and maybe some others wouldn't expect it till 8. but people always try to live up to expectations, and with the arrival of personal awareness, their own expectations of themselves. that's how people develop, gain habits, and why they behave in certain ways. i could go on and on about so many things about the negative expectations of different groups of people on the society, and those of the society on certain different groups. but it would all be opinion, because what i believe in in pretty extreme. a system that can no longer be re-implemented.. but the point is, these expectations played and still play a substantial role in determining who we are today. it's like, the better grades you're expected to get, the harder you're likely to try for those grades, of if you're already got them, the less you would try to improve further.. since we know that, why can't we make ourselves better? ... i know i'm being vague about this, but it's because people will always come up with the "you're not so hot yourself" blam.. and frankly, it's a pretty dumb blam. i mean, it doesn't take someone with better grades than you to know where you stand amongst the entire level. a guy who's below you can still look at your grade point, and see that, despite his being suckier than you, you're only one position about him in terms of suckiness. so it really doesn't make any sense.. but in the same way, it doesn't make any sense that, despite my knowledge of this, i still don't want people to come at me with that blam. haiz. i'm tired. if you really wanted to know, what restarted all this thought about expectations was a very blase and shallow observation. i'm just a tired, tired guy. a human. one afternoon not so many days back, at some mrt station i saw a girl maybe a year or two younger than me, wearing a long skirt. and looking good. that's not something you see every day, i thought. then i went home and fell asleep.. certain things, i'm tired of explaining. not literally, but it's just, i feel that morally, people should know these things themselves. by having to explain.. it just gives me a negative feeling. a bad feeling, deep inside, that would probably be classified as a synonym of foreboding, but not exactly. * * * somehow, tired just doesn't seem accurate, exactly, but it's the closest. it's not physical, not mental, just some sore ache inside, somewhere.. because of things i can't fully explain.. but noone will listen anyway. and even more achingly, none whom i've met who were willing understand.. so i wait. i pray for a little hope, a hope that there would be someone, a someone before that Someone who knows this feeling inside me even better than i do.. i don't know how my heart classifies it, but somehow, there are the shallow, then there are the shallow who try. how it knows, i cannot tell.. but then most whom i love, i believe, they are trying.. because they are not of this world. those who are.. they pain my heart only more, because my trying is not good enough, and they are the evidence, and i will weep someday for it. 7:47 pm |