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danne |
Sunday, May 07, 2006
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today was weird. firstly woke up duper late, then met xinyi in stealth mode in church.. lol.. stupids' brains are all in a twist.. it's like all those literature books where oscar wilde makes makes fun of society blah blah when he's a pretty screwy guy himself. oh well. when all fails, ignore..... i think i'm screwed bah. it's 7th may. i've got till 9th to finish thinkquest? 48 hours? better still, there's supposed to be choir tmr. until 6pm. wth. stupid crap. lousy timing lah.. and sing some stupid its a small world crap. haiz. whatever lah.. work at night? quiet difficult to time.. ahh. kuro help me lah. yinC friday night.. was good. haahh. i need to widen my vocabulary. but seriously. there's just this thing about avoidance.. since we don't feel anyone's actively challenging our faith, we just follow blindly. Dan Brown's appearance may be good, or it may be bad.. it's just based on how you see it. how you view the possibilities of how things can turn out. anyways.. it's helped me focus, that i'll say.. it' a long paper that i'm going to have to write. writing.. it's something to help me think. the process of putting all down into words on a screen or paper just facilitates the thought flow somehow. haahh. well. write to think.. that's why i write here nowadays, most of the time. and lately, and today.. made me think about lives. each person's life, flowing across the space of time. who can see what we see? who can understand what we are thinking? perfectly? maybe it's possible for such people to exist.. but not that i know of. this society.. it doesn't allow for transparency. it's a good thing, in some ways. people have a lot to hide.. but people also have things that aren't ready to be revealed. or that simply shouldn't be revealed, except to just the right person, or people.. but so often they don't come along. maybe we are those people. maybe we are the ones who should go and draw closer to those who we care about. caring about people. isn't that what is called love? why can't people love, then? don't we care about anyone, anymore? people judge unconsciously. it's just something that needs to happen. but what i'm thinking about is.. how we can't say what we're thinking about people. when i think of someone special, someone whom i'm not so close to, or anymore, i start thinking about the things that could happen if only we let it, or could. i start thinking about the other people whom i'm reminded of by this person, the similarities, and even more, the differences.. i don't wonder anymore what it would be like if they should meet, but i start wondering about why we can't be that way.. in harmony with our environment, with each other. it's because other things tie us, down, work, struggle for life, desire to learn. we all need personal time. but that shouldn't mean that we're strangers. and it would seem that we are. except, we're not. not exactly. you know me, and i know you. we just don't really know who each other is. and we aren't as one. to avoid going into a paper.. i have to change the subject. i'm disappointed. the chinese have forgotten their culture. they've smeared it, then tossed it aside. even mainland. no, especially mainland. the stories i hear from nationals coming to singapore, and the testimonies that others bear from china to here, i'm disappointed. the chinese.. we're become calculative, impeccably so. the drive for money.. it's driving the chinese mad. and money, of all things. sure, all is vainity, but why this. and so utterly, so completely. haiz.. the children shall adopt another culture. a true asian culture. not this. not if i can help it. ... i really should be doing thinkquest, but my mind is blank since i decided not to use what inspiration gave me. i don't know what to do. a little while more, and i can break down and just rot and die and not submit anything. i don't know what to do.. too many things. the end is supposed to be coming. i'm supposed to be able to do all those things after this. i had everything planned out, including how to finish this. but it's the second? third? fourth? fifth? time that plans abandan me absolutely. from Plan A to Z, to 1 to ∞, from α to Ω. i have to think of other things. why do i feel weird when i hear about other people? others in your life. unnatural is when there are none. but it's crap to my.. whatever's screwing with my insides. it's the ending now. i gotta work doubly hard. the better times are supposed to be coming after this, and then is when i'm supposed to work even harder. because i'll want to. the thing that one looks for in people.. how do you speak of them? i don't know how. vanity.. all is vanity. no, jeremiah's gone for good, but one starts to wonder why. is it, too, because of avoidance? how can my heart not pressurize me? 6:15 pm |