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Wednesday, June 14, 2006
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choir camp ended ytd. the camp itself was pretty darn boring, but what the heck. meant to be a training camp.. i think we made some headway. looking back, at ourselves, i think it kind of reflects who we're trying to be. passive, unantangonistic. people are trying their best not to get anyone upset, and at the same time get the job done. personally.. i think we've done an ok job this year. but just like the camp, it has been pretty boring.
and then looking ahead.. it seems like there's just a bit more to go before the next checkpoint in life, but then again, gotta keep reminding oneself that it's not that easy.. challenges, special arrangements i have to pluck up the courage to try to make.. i've chosen a path, now the challenge is to walk it..
it's an easy way out, just continuing with how things are.. and i think i will, because i don't know how to change it, and i'm tired of trying. but, i've learnt that it's true that i don't exist. i live for the moment, how it is or how i want it to be, or based on how people are trying to make it, whether i concur or not, so many possibilities.
but sometimes i just do the wrong things at the wrong times. or just the wrong things. i can't help it. even now.. i think the bext i can do is to lock into a serious mode, at least before most. people i can trust.. few, but i need some escape. but then, they come and go.. as i've seen thus far. well, there is more that is yet to be seen..
there's a couple more good reasons for things to be this way. one.. is something you don't need to know. those who have to, already do. but the other that i've been avoiding less.. is all the politics of society. i can't stand it.. too many false fronts, hypocricies. for all i know i'm part of it. and i think i do, to some extent.. pah.. maybe i'm just imagining it, but then i'm not given a chance to find out, am i? i can put some faith in people to try to do right, but i've given up believing that people care about other people enough a good number of years back..
finally got john grisham's the broker.. half a year, lol. makes me think about how a person could live, if only they believed they could. i don't dare. at least i don't think i do, because there would be nobody to go with me. alone for a while is good, but not that long. start and stop is pointless.
term is starting, and i need to concentrate on math, i know. but i'm not going to. things will interrupt, or i'll give in to the urge to learn other things. why can't we educate ourselves..? then only those who wanted to learnt would learn, and there would be more balance. meh..
anyway, there'll be politics in the subject departments, their trial runs on their guinea pig students, screwing up our school years and grades and futures. yeah, thanks a lot. whats more, you had to sack the one teacher who understood and was dumb/considerate enough to stay. well, she's gone. bunches of people say yay, casue she was pretty helpless at teaching, but at that point of time, maybe teaching in that sense wasn't what we needed.
小时候 常常望着窗外的天空
幻想长大以后
能实现从前作过的美梦
长大后 发现世界真的不同
不知该要往哪走
还是停在原地一动也不动
dunno what to do, all i can do is keep running, falling forward, unable to stop. maybe you know the feeling. reflect on the things i could have done, if i weren't so dumb and scared. and the things i could try now, if i weren't so scared. the world is freaking me out. the only safe heavens are temporary, and hidden in ignorance. ignorance as in, to ignore.
some people like solos, some people like groups. but it's so hard to find a group.. because you don't find them. they come somehow.. or maybe everyone finds one another.
in the world we've made, people 'naturally' try to make things look right. say just the right thing, do the right thing, at the right moment. what's 'right'..? it all looks fake. i have to stop being that way.
i'm just glad i still realize.
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6:53 pm
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