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Friday, August 12, 2005
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chinese o level results back huh.. haiz, dunno lah. i get to take an extra year of chinese into J1, and still duneed to take O level chinese.. i guess really lucky lah. dunno. it seems so far away, but then.. i know it's not. hah. really stupid, isn't it.
dunno exactly how people are feeling.. but i think i could hazard a guess. it's always that sort of feeling when you get results for something which you've put so much effort into, and the reward isn't explicit, it's not the kind of satisfaction a guy could hope to, and usually get from doing other stuff.. like learning.. stuff. just because we're learning it. like windsurfing. like random akido and judo moves. like singing. the reawrd just isn't explicit, isn't gained just by doing it. who ever rejoiced when teachers announced tests or pop quizes.
then when it comes, it's just this wierded out kinda feeling, you know? just like.. okae. now what. inside, we're asking, okae, how should i be feeling now, all the while knowing that we should be content with what we have, knowing how certain others did in comparison, but that just doesn't make sense to some part of you. part of me.
today got back chinese CCT, just one day after it was done, and everyone was going, kao, lao shi, why u mark so fast? in the end all the people who make so much noise are the ones who did really well, for some reason.. totally against the theory of the emptiest vessels make the least noise. i guess it's just that these RI guys are just full fo crap lah, no theories will work with them. nothing will make sense to anyone else. whatever lorh,
then teacher was like, wah, zhuang kai, u passed, so happy so happy. then i'm like, okae, that sounds good, maybe i did better this time. it did seem a lot easier. then get it back, it's like, wtf, 27/50. waah. i passed. yippe yai yo. so kao bei lorh.
then i'm forced to ask myself again.. why the heck am i so interested in learning languages of the region when i can't even make myself even moderately proficient with my own mother tongue. the tongues of my people. dialects and stuff inc. it's like, wtf all over again. and then i'm like blehhhhhhh...
i dunno how lah. it's this kinda thinking that motivates me to do stuff; the thrill of learning stuff cause it'll bring me places, cause i wanna go those places. cause i wanna learn it. cause i wanna do it. but then it slips away, it's too easy to take for granted. so it's wtf all over again.
dunno how lah. theres a lot of stuff i wanna do, but then there are so many limitations that i can't control, then there are limitations within myself, things that.. for no good reason, i can't bring myself to do. or i just can't name a good reason to myself or some crap. some crap.
i will do it. yea man. just wait.
wait ah.
yea. wait.
you wait here ah, i go and do.
i go already ah, you dun go away.. kae?
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9:33 pm
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