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Friday, July 20, 2007
when i am weak •
your song carries armsfrom what happened today, you can tell i'm losing it. right there in delusion, asking the questions that need to be asked anyway; what if. sometimes we ask too much, sometimes i just avoid. sometimes avoidance seems to be the right way, if you truly want to pursue what you want. too many troubles at once, was always the downfall of a man.. when there's nothing left to fall back on but the one, you have no idea how hard it is not to just say, falling(fall on). past, future, present. all about ideals and potential and dreams and goals and perhaps, overconfidence.. but will you blame a boy for chasing dreams alone? at the same time, it really is hard to be decent. i know that all the selfless-benefits-everyone-but-the-subject and walking-your-own-authentic-path philo, but i know something more important as well, so i try. and i fail not only a few times, i perceive.. but it's so hard. how do you say, we all need somebody, if only one person. and out of love, not duty. it just sickens me further, imagining that possibility that seems so.. possible? sigh. it's just that it's reached a state, after all the stuff crashing down on me and then people, how do i say.. letting me be? abandoning? that i've come to tell myself a new lie, as i do whenever i need to make myself act in ways untrue to a heart that whispers. it's a dual reality. my dream of the future holds, and i believe with all my heart that i will slave and be that person with the people who run alongside to their places; but at the same time i lie to myself when i'm utterly discouraged and alone that, hey, you know that it's not that path that matters but how you walk it - you can come up with a new ideal that is no less beautiful if all fails, because in the end you are the same person walking the path. and i come up with a few to convince myself. then i push it out of my mind so that i am able to work.. i hate you for taking it away, for spoiling it for me, for comforting me with your hand still on the hilt of the blade, and i hate myself for being so selfish and immoral at the same time. but i still do hate you. and at the same time i love you so much, for simply being, thanking God that your souls are, and will be, and i am so blessed with your presence, as simple as that. i can't for the life of my figure why i love people, it's stupid, maybe irrational and sometimes uncalled for, but.. every quirk and tilt, every whisper of breath and sparkle of light. perhaps it's the love of life. and i do love you. perhaps it's the duality that's tearing everything else apart. but most likely not. i honest to truth think that it's just that i perhaps just wasn't meant for this dream.. no, wait. i can't..think. there just isn't an answer.. i can think of a beautiful ideal to happen.. i would never have asked for it before, because i said, there's still much to do before that need happen. it can't turn around and become an additional problem, because that would mean it isn't the picture i'm seeing. but perhaps one does need it. 10:56 pm |