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danne |
Saturday, July 14, 2007
the subject doesn't matter. •
it's one thing to say, try not to think about it. but when it's thrown before you, there's no restraining resent, and when there are distractions i can be happy. so, does it mean that there's no point in trying to do anything at all? at least within.i'm kind of tired of doing things like this, having to bear with things that aren't good enough, not being able to do anything about it. don't take it literally; what i mean is that there are certain ways i wish for things to be, and they aren't. just want to live a picturesque life, right down to every moment, but obviously that's impossible.. because we see things in a certain light that demands stability, results. but perhaps you know what i mean anyway. the rare moments when you play just the person you want to play, in a scene that is just right. not very coherent, i suppose, but you either see it or you don't. perhaps it's naive, but to see yourself playing a certain role, with everything just right, and so moving towards playing that role, in just the scene, for a long term, is a motivator for so much. there are so many troubles, and sometimes it seems that you won't get there the way you expect, or things at the present are just so painful, but there's still some hope that there's a way you'll get to play that part, be that person that you want to be, and somehow you keep moving, and you think you still could do something in this world. at the present it's a multitude of things weighing down, and there's no energy to be anyone. fret over a million things and nothing gets done, and then when the spark catches, full speed just isn't fast enough. you know there are too many assumptions, but you're having trouble handling the things that you know aren't going to work as it is. sometimes you begin to imagine that there's an easier way; but of course you don't dare to try it. over time, it's tiring even to meet new people. tired of rigidity, but nobody's gonna improvise along with you, and we live in a society where results are all that matter. there's no point shifting away from exam-oriented learning; you'll just fail in a world where they just want the paper. tired of people who are just certain ways, hiding behind a shield, then poking fun at the other. so who's the recluse? tired of having an open mind, and then people shoving stuff into it(quote and unquote), taking advantage of forbearance, disconsidering feelings. i know it's called longsuffering, but.. tired of searching. bring us together now, please.. it's not all i ask, but it's what i dare to ask now. tired of being self-contradictory. individually they all make sense to me. too tired to reason it out. these two years will pass horribly fast, and perhaps we'll get taken away from one another. who am i kidding; of course we will. we don't treasure one another enough. who's suppose to be proactive? who's going to, perhaps, come, if people do. can i go on an adventure in search of people who would? who believe in making the picture of their lives come true now. no i can't. many things aren't laid out even in that picture, because they've already been broken, so there's nothing to do but to wing it. things that are already underway give more and more pain, perhaps regret when you decide it's worth it. but what's to be done..? tired's a horribly misfit word for this. but what the heck; too tired to think, tired of being tired. meh. 10:32 pm |