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Friday, May 25, 2007
holiday homework. •
holiday homework: imagine now, me, reading this to you.for a last day of school, it's evoked a unique color. once in a while, in a gentle way instead of the usual harsh that just, doesn't sink in, she'll tell me how everything that happens, the ways that things are, are sometimes just so because of what we believe can be.. who we believe we are. we're nothing more than who we can convince ourselves we are, and occasionally we subconsciously behave like we're more than we usually are. there are, of course, those to whom this just comes naturally, whatever the reason.. but for the mere mortals, sometimes it just comes down to, things are already rolling in this direction, and to change things, to create a shift, is just so hard.. because of the way we're accustomed to, and the things expected by people around us.. people may say, take it slowly, but really that just makes it harder to make sure we're going somewhere; people may say, have a change in environment for a bit, or don't worry about expectations.. but really, part of us already believes that this is the way things are, and part of us knows that we can't forget about what people would think. anyway, one would venture to say, people don't change that way anyway. "a dramatic shift".. never really happens. there must just be so much behind it, and then you'll see all the tiny things that played a part in contributing to the change in beliefs, the change in values. always, there are some values that will never change, some beliefs that will stand firm.. so we never lose who we were before; the only question remaining is, who are we going to become. because that concerns our future, and man is forever intrigued with the unknown, be it in fear, in anticipation or in contemplation. today i think i can find closure, as much as i believe is possible, anyway, for one thing.. all things take time. whatever it is i'm feeling, i can wait and see. that i might miss the opportunity doesn't seem to ever had been the problem, somehow.. not in this serial. perhaps i was just afraid because of the past; perhaps i was just trying to change too hard. or perhaps i haven't changed at all, and this is nothing more than where i was going since that fateful day. whatever philosophers debate or agree on, i'm given to, and do ensure that the world is nothing more than what i am willing to perceive; though my heart tries to tell me things that i'm sometimes not willing to listen to, somehow it still does go into this stubborn head, and i act, or learn.. perhaps i've been taking things for granted, or pushing too hard.. insensitive, or too - but it remains that certain feelings flow through my veins so often, and it's all that i can do to keep a straight face, and in doing so, so often if forget to seek that solace, and to tell those whom i love.. because i worry about so many things. but haah, that reprieve can never be taken away from me, right..? if what i believe is true, then i have the time to do the things i must; if i am but partially right, then i am wrong, and then what can i do.. which is why i just need to know that you are safe, for as long that matters. which is so long, so long, believe me.. worlds may turn or falter, but that is one thing that i need to know. perhaps i'd really forgotten what mattered the most. but it's also true that i'd given up on certain things.. sometimes it just gets painful, and in running away and trying to find another, sometimes one just forgets to keep looking. and that some things will always follow, because two souls have touched one another.. no matter how things go on into the future, the fact of the moment remains.. it's something one is powerless to do, yet just, must.. haha, in this situation somehow my mind just wanders back to that one thing. perhaps i'm not such a fool after all. but still, to think is one and to do is another. yet.. in this predicament, what can i do? ok ok, away from that, nobody's really interested, haha.. it's something that has to be done, by Him, not me, and i'll just have to keep walking on to whatever it is that i'm supposed to do.. i just hope that i'll be given the strength to do what i must, whilst i'm powerless to do what i so need to.. but then if i believe right, i worry too much. these things are taken care off.. faith. today's been an interesting day. because it fits, almost, into one of those countless images of types of days, the shades and the tones. a busy day from the start, tinge of loneliness in exhaustion, tumbling on into work, a reminder and a taste of the past and the future in closeness that remains, the distance of people close by.. some productivity, some avoidance.. steeling for what must come so soon, while trying to continue in the time that's left in delusion, however that works out.. carrying on, learning from the elder, hahAhha.. feeling, so small, what connects us all in what they call the global organism. at the end of the short story for the hour, the whole thing is a big picture of low chroma shades of very few similar hues, and accents of just the right colors, never dissonant. that's the picture of the day. it's been some time since i've typed like this.. haha. interesting. but from now on, there will be a split. when the soul need split into heart and mind, there will have to be two sides of the same story.. but only if there is the time. 9:04 pm |