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Thursday, May 10, 2007
never enough. •
in this world, sometimes it's just like we're expected to just get up and move on, after stuff, and somehow we do just that.. suppressing reaction to bad news, just phasing out things that didn't work out even after all those words and dreams and dreams and hopes. how do we do it.
and time that was spent in exuberant joy, reflective satisfaction and peace or silent ecstacy, or roaring fun seems so still and far away, so short and distant. just, insufficient. chaos, conflicting clouds, sharp jagged points, one big messy scrawl that refuses to yeild to even alexander's sword. all preoccupied, it's so easy to forget about treasuring now. but still, there is that something, whatever it may be, that leads one on to such thoughts, right..? they aren't always there.
it's just so stupid. so many stupid things that i just want to rant to someone, but nobody can react in just THAT way.. true and comforting. no matter what, now there's always some measure of awkwardness, some untouchable topic. tiny or bigger, or so immense it's hard even to enter your life and begin to understand, to be a part of worlds and make you a part of mine. it's like the flow of time, up and down, up and down like a bloody sine/cosine graph. how many times? the first never goes away.
as always, decisions to make.. and then, dilemmas. i'm really just scared, afraid of what i seem to know will be. it's like it's impossible to depart from this stupid scheme of trying and trying, and gaining a little, trying and trying, and "being parted broken hearted", repeat and randomize. dare i say people don't try hard enough? yes, and i don't either, cause i'm afraid of that too. no, because people do try. but i'm not enough..?
this is why men fear the future horribly, horribly, and yet speculate and are curious about it to no end.
people say a lot of things, and they think things, and somehow we've just got to find the balance, being true to what we know we feel, consciously believing either what we say or what we think.. but at the same time what we say to others can mean so much, so much.. how do i say it. i guess we all have to be careful with what we say. both ways.
disheartening..? i don't know. in the end, it's all wrong, saying this is wrong, thinking this is wrong, saying that it's wrong is wrong, and it goes on. you get the point, either way, in this situationi'm taking on a persona that you(and i, because you don't) don't like, i'm just not up to it in your eyes. and if i decide i want to be harsh just because i'm so upset about this whole deal, i can even make myself say, you're not either.
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11:08 pm
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