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Monday, October 16, 2006
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will we act like complete strangers? it's too easy to. but aren't we now. if two people have never really spoken, never really met, never really done anything together, what other name can you give but, stranger. it's just that in the all guys environment in school, you don't have to think too much about other people's feelings, in the sense that there's a common understanding, or at least some preconceptions of others that give some measure of tolerance and acceptance. then outside, begin to think, what if this, what if that, what if they see it this way? or that? or the other? interpret the wrong way? what sort of message am i trying to put across anyway?
so nobody really does anything more than give a glance of recognition, or a nod or a 'hi', when you see someone you recognize, and you know they recognize you, but the relationship between two of you has never been anything more than that. what more if, the other party doesn't even seem to recognize you anymore.
it's like waking up after a reboot, a period of stasis. systems begin to run again, all the same applications reopen, with some new windows, and new files to settle. most will probably never be settled, till the end of time.. but maybe i'm having too idealistic an idea of eternity. struggling to think, maybe it's better to be alone, than to not and suffer despite. it would, in a sense, just make it a sort of cruel irony.. zz hello world. why are you this way and not another? another entirely? that's how fantasy came about, i'm guessing.
i once thought, why not just ask questions? things that you don't know and wish to know, ask and find out. but it's not that simple.. and it's not about logic. nonetheless, let me treat this as another experiment, if i dare to risk all these things i love. i own nothing, anyway. i've only been taught as much as Job, and in a less cruel way? or more? revelation with no respite, i'm in control of nothing, i AM nothing. i can contribute to nothing, everything just will be done. i couldn't help myself, and even after that i still can't really help anyone. everything i do is inconsequential. what is eternity? everpresence? what is eternity without being able to play some part in it?
ok. i'll bet this much, then, if only because i don't know what else to do. it's not that i can't stand passivity, watching and waiting, knowing there will be no outcome, just existence. what if i play it and lose it all? it's all in Your hands, Lord, and there's nothing i can do about it.
i just hope i'm right, and i don't hurt anyone.
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10:33 pm
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