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danne |
Saturday, September 09, 2006
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for all the things i forgot, i hope. i'll work backwards, and hope i don't leave anything out.once upon a time(because stories that begin with that always have a good ending), a song began to play. it was the sort of song that everyone loved, played over and over and over. you would hear it in malls, at parties, in clubs, on everyone's playlist. it's the kind of song i don't want to play again so soon, for fear that it'll lose its uniqueness. in case i'll become unable to draw the message i do from it for hearing it too much. three days ago, i received a message. yesterday i understood what it meant. now i'm on space two; thinking about deciding how i'm going to prepare, because before i was just thinking about thinking how i'm gonna prepare. when you want to achieve something, you have to work on it; not just think about how much you want it, how much you'd be willing to throw into it, all the things you could do to prepare yourself for it. to do it. i must be pretty dumb, to realize all that only now. everytime i look at the world around me, i wonder how these people are looking at the world around them. everyday we see such pretty things; and really, we can only be thinking one of two things. one would be, oh, things just seem better for others, we're really all the same. the other would be, life is so unfair. it depends on how you look at it at that moment, doesn't it? and sometimes, i kick back at myself, when i think the former; i tell myself: ah, you see things then you go 酸葡萄. and when the latter comes to me, i go, no point blaming life, just take what you have and start making it better for goodness sake. do what's important to you. then, taking a step back, all the rebuttals could really go on and on. there's no point comparing; the same way there's no point reasoning with people who are unreasonable. it's just that, it never occured to us to stop comparing, just like how people just keep arguing, and arguing, and arguing, getting madder and madder at their adversaries, at other people, at the world, at themselves. certain things there's just no point trying to do anything about it. but which are these? might school be one of these? 5 years ago, PSLE was incredibly important, Os, As, university were so far away. 3 years ago, PSLE diminished to next to nothing, Os replaced with coursework that was supposed to relieve us of our stress; but did they?. As were still in the distant horizon; it was too early to worry about it, they told us. university was not visible. 1 year ago, PSLE was gone, coursework was killing us, there was so much more to worry about than As, university was on the brink of my mind, but how about others? today, i'm blank, when i shouldn't be; or i think i shouldn't be: that's what they're telling me. PSLE is gone, of course. but then i look back, and i think about how they kept telling me that those years were of no importance, there was nothing i could do to aid my future, other than just get good grades. and if i didn't there went my future. but now, i look back, and i wish i had done so many things, because yesterday i learnt that things that a few people around me were doing, though unconsciously, were the things i needed to do. and those were the times when it didn't matter that i didn't know how, because everyone was just beginning to learn. now it's too late; too late to learn new things already. it's only the last year of junior high, and it's already too late. too late to do all those things, which i may or may not have enjoyed, but would have done for the sake of working towards my goal. those things that i would have enjoyed, because they were part of working towards my goal. i'll stop there, because that's where i am now; in the middle of nowhere, halfway through, but knowing that i'll find out that the road's really much longer; it's something i'm making myself not think about now, subconsciously, because there are more important things that i should concentrate on now. but i'm not; i don't know why i can't make myself. ok. let me take a step back and think about what i'm trying to do now. so far.. the things i've worried about, that i'd wished i'd done earlier, were in fear that i wouldn't be able to study architecture in university; that i wouldn't be able to go and learn from people everywhere, because i believe that i need to learn from everywhere before i can become what i want to be. so right now it's all about getting into university, because i'm assuming that beyond that, there's nothing i can do about it now; besides, if there were, i'm too stressed up to think about it now. why am i? oh ya. school work. that's important too, right? coursework that goes into my permanant record, testimonials from teachers who don't know us at all, except what the universities want to know; how do we study, how do we cope. and they probably won't like they hear about me, because school is where i'm screwing up. i just can't do school; don't tell me that i have to, or that everyone else can manage, why can't you? i already know these things, and i've already told you, i don't know. so go ahead and say it's my own fault for not trying hard enough, because that may well be so, but i'm really confused right now; i've got too many things to consider, so many things to worry about, because i'm really aware of more things that a normal person is, and right now it isn't a good thing. it just makes me really confused. i don't even know what i want to do anymore; i don't even believe i'll be satisfied even if i had the assurance that everyone i loved would be with me in eternity anymore; because i should be able to do more. such are the talents that He has given me, and i fear i'm incompetant. i can't return the ten for the five; i'm not good enough. but then back to the issue. the other thing, besides coursework and certificates, would be ability, of course. can i do the things i want to, would i be able to learn? i have to start now, get the basics. it makes me wonder again why i want to badly to do something that i'm so apparently not suited for, so lousy at. i need to learn, i want to find teachers now, other people like me, who are already working towards this thing they want to acheive. maybe i could learn from them, maybe i could contribute back so i wouldn't feel guilty. my mind deviates from the task again, i have to force myself back. but i can't. there is more than this in life, things that i used to fear more, because i didn't know about these. but everything i do now is unsatisfactory; to myself, and most definitely to many others. they should be, anyway, and i, just don't know anymore. stop or continue, it isn't good enough. i will be nowhere, and that is only a bad thing because i could be exactly where i should be. i don't know how i know that, because everything points to me not being able, but i just know it. but i'm not progressing.. i'm digging obstacles in my path. i'm not doing things that i need to, the same way i hadn't done things that i needed to. the difference now is that i know what i need to do, and am unable. in the past, i didn't know, and so continued happily to suffer later. what will come next? will the road be closed completely? the more i write, the more frustrated i become, because i know for a fact that nobody can understand what i've written, because it is not something that can be understood. you have to be in the position. and i'm incapable of making people understand. my writing doesn't even give me that good feelign anymore. i'm fooling myself; i'm not doing it even though i'm supposed to be capable; everyone is telling me i'm capable, aren't i capable? if i'm capable, then it must be my own fault for it not happening. but why aren't i doing it..? why can't i do it? why does nothing come from anything? i can do nothing about it. i can do nothing. if i can't do anything, then why, i must be a nothing. 5:49 pm |