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danne |
Saturday, July 29, 2006
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i'm done. chucked everything out of my room, wiped the whole place down with dettol and put everything back.. now it's a picture =] not the best i could do, but with what i have.. haha..going through everything for the millionth time to see what's worth keeping or not, this time i opened the boxes of stuff i always kept. i have this.. thing, of keeping certain things in this way.. i'd arrange them; messages from loved ones and distant acquaintances, treasures and mementos from journeys to faraway places with friends and (family). individually, they tell me stories, of the past i had, the friends out there, and how many more places in this world hold memories for me. all sorts of memories, good or bad, now that they're over, they give me this fuzzy feeling. neither good nor bad. so i take the things i love because of the memories they hold, and i hide them away. i arrange them into a picture, in a little frame that i hide under the bed, or in some inconspicuous place. i treasure them the most of my belongings, but i don't want to see them too often. familiarity breeds contempt, they say, and in this case i really am afraid that it may be true. that i may end up taking certain memories for granted, and lose them. these are times that i loved; i want to be able to call them up when i want to, even if it means i forget sometimes. the reason is.. i thrive on these things. i lose myself in days present.. too many thoughts, counterthoughts, arguments with oneself, within myself. it's a war i fight with myself; what i believe. these things.. they remind me of lessons i've learnt in times past, and i learn new lessons that i never could have. and sometimes i pick up things that i've missed, a little picture of my past teaches me that much. and its significance is because, it is mine. they are a part of me, that i try to become more aware of. a couple years back, i was younger and full of emotive writings, when even i myself wasn't sure what i meant. i chose to dwell on certain subjects, make myself moody over certain memories i wouldn't let go into the box. during that time, i'd already learnt bunches of stuff. i learnt that love cannot be confined, but i didn't really know what it meant. up till today, i'm still not entirely sure, but i feel when it means, somehow, when i go out into the world and see the people walking too and fro in the city, and the clouds going by above the trees by the highways. i was given the burden even earlier than that, of the thing that i must do. it was because of love, and i thought, could love be a burden because of this? now i think not; but there is nothing to blame it on. it's only mankind's fault; but there's no point discussing that, because i'm too weak and useless to do this thing. He told me that He's giving me the strength to do it, but i don't know how to do it right. i don't have the courage. i'm afraid that i'll get it wrong, that i'll lose the ones i love forever. forever is a scary concept, when it comings to losing and love. it's hard to believe, only four years ago, music came to me. now we're in love, and i'll never let it go. music has taken me everywhere, its taught me as many lessons as people could, and more. but it taught me because it was music. i never learnt from its mistakes, and it never taught unwittingly. it's a part of so many memories that i keep. quite simply put, i wouldn't be me today without it. she didn't even stop there. music brought me out, gave me this veil that was confidence, and showed me lives that were touched by her too. i had already met people touched by others like her.. by love, by nature, by passion. i learnt that as much as music could do for a person, there were places where she couldn't help, where we have to find our own way. but there is always someone else who can bring us along the way, and there's Someone who is there all the while. whilst i walked this earth, i never really got to know a lot of people insanely well; deeply and intricately. but lately a lesson tried to teach me; not to think too deeply, because our heart reads and doesn't tell. we just feel it, and we know. and we can trust our heart, because it has proven itself to us countless times. then the lesson went on to show me how my heart treated me.. and i feel like i betrayed her, despite the times we're had. because i never trusted her enough. even though i've learnt to somehow look into people's pasts, it really all depends on whether or not the person is willing to show it.. and sometimes, for all my ignorance, i just don't understand. for all my experiences, there are multitudes others that i haven't felt, and others i will never know. i thought and thought, and really, words just don't do it for me sometimes. in the past i could turn to other things.. but now there are so many commitments that i never chose. ahh. but even now, as i try not to judge, i see things behind faces and actions and words. as studies began to stress me, and other things adding to it all, i see things that make me irritated at how immature people can be, i get upset over how much people are trying but still can't see.. i see how people refuse to grow, and most recently i see how there are other people who feel and think and grow. it's.. heartening, something powerful. 7:21 pm |