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danne |
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
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i just woke from the.. no. it's not the wierdest. not quite, i think. but the only things i remember.. two of the guys rehearsing for something.. both of them got the red rose from the teachers. but they weren't really rehearsing.. they were talking about some guy.. about an incident in the past. about a guy who knifed someone else in the school.i got the violet rose. all without stems, just the soft, fully bloomed radiant rose in our roughened hands, gentle petels at our mercy. but they were held like a trophy, a prize at the end of the day. i had finally received mine. a teacher i past on the way upstairs where the two guys were rehearsing said something to me about making a good effort or something like that.. later on. like there was going to be something happening later on. but the atmosphere seemed like the day was over, and people were ready to turn in after dinner. i asked him, could i make a phone call? he shook his head.. regretfully? made my way up the small curling wodden steps.. left him discussing something with another teacher about nuns.. (lol).. they say the people who seek meanings in dreams are foolish, but dreams are unusual anyway. unusual as in, not usual. parts of life. so i seek on. (July 27th update) i look back at this, and i recall so much more vividly than i can put into words.. i wish i could build it. the place. cause with the place as it is,the spirit of the people who were there remains.. the narrow upper room, almost-gnarled wooden benches cramped side by side to accomodate all the guys.. such a narrow building. i wonder why. narrow. cramped, but comfortably so. cosy, almost. it's the people, i guess. and just the atmosphere. but some things just can't be put into words, even music. perhaps it would be possible to draw it out, but i doubt it, to capture the spirit of it all. that's why i want to build. architecture. all the dreams of mine thrown into reality, the only things missing are the people and spirits. but the loneliness of the place will only bring melancholy and reminiscence. the loneliness of the place will help me remember and regret. that's enough. can i afford to ask for more? (9.38pm) dunno why i don't want to start a new entry for today.. haiz.. i guess it's cause i'm still thinking about tt thing. it's a continuation, really. so much crap happened today.. i really don't want to think about it. another day maybe.. tmr or something. not now. thinking.. what would the world be without girls. ignoring the procreation factor... =.=" seriously, that's the first thing some people will think about when i mention the thought, it's so silly.. is that the most important thing about them? in an all guys school.. it teaches stuff that being in a mixed school doesn't. i suppose one could learn other things frm being in a mixed school; there's always something you can learn from any new experience. but i've experienced it, and i will again, so im glad RI is all guys. shows you what guys are like when they aren't thinking about gals, lol. or at least not most of the time. the brotherhood feel is strong.. but what does that mean actually..? relationships are distant but not thin.. there are a few pairs or threes that are closer, and then there are social groups.. everyone is distant, somehow, i have no idea what i'm comparing the feeling to. what i'd imagine it to be if it weren't all guys? how reliable is that? but somehow when the need is there, everyone comes together. all it takes to convine everyone to do something is the sincere belief that something is right, and they will consider it seriously; we're not people with terrible moral standards, but there are always pranks and stuff, but somehow people are united in just the right things. not to say morally right, perhaps, at least not all the time, but things turn out all right in the end.. but then people aren't all follow the leader either. people stand up and out; the thing is that, these people are ignored. left out of everyone else. the people who have separate beliefs on what is right, what needs to be done.. they just do what they believe. everyone else will have respect for this man, whether they willingly or not; they cannot but help it, because everyone does. everyone has a reason for making choices, and reasons are respected, so long as they're not pure foolhardiness. trends are never started by an obvious group of people. someone, somewhere, does something cool; another guy notices, and does it, and his friends all do, and so it passes.. the initiative is hardly ever noticed. it's probably a good thing, because if he wanted to be noticed, he would make himself. so he doesn't. and so he isn't. pai kia.. can't be helped. but pai kia isn't a group of people, it's a syndrome. without girls, i think somehow we can get a little closer than if there were, so nobody really does stupid things all the time. when it happens, we let it happen for a while, then.. xiong di men, go and talk to him, restrain him.. groups? it happens.. but it never lasts. cause when you're amongst people who actually give a shit what happens to you later, you start to care about what you're doing. people notice that you keep going into detention for something, they talk to you, they just go, oi, dun be stupid lah, always wasting time in detention.. the meaning is there, it's put across in a way that is just.. different. male ego, you gals say? perhaps. but who cares? it's our way of communicating; we're comfortable. it's not wrong; is it? i don't see why it should be. why i'm suddenly talking about this? cause this feeling is precisely what i felt then. and it feels.. strangely comfortable. amongst brothers. there will be no longstanding conflict; because we all care for each other in a special way. because we all know what each other is really like, directly and indirectly, and together, we're a powerful force for good. making sure we stay good. the image is there, but the force for right is also. no matter how it may seem, amongst brothers, nobody can feel like one of those pai kia you see on the streets. and yet, even thought we know the so-called pai kia we know are just normal people, when we see another whom we don't know somewhere along the way, we just can't imagine that this guy from another brotherhood is really, just like us. cause we're all just people. and people who know each other have a way for caring. even in the wierdest ways. cause i felt that. and i felt at ease. it makes no sense, probably. but.. it's good. 9:19 pm |