finding the strength

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.

Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot!

Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

interesting.
wait, these things all work by stereotyping, don't they?

then how come they always seem kinda accurate? sometimes? kinda?

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people.
You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together.
Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly.
People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

hope so. there are places and people who could use such a talent.

where is that place anywhere? heck, i wanna be there. land and water intertwined. calming or what. i bet it's a rocking place to just sit and look and think.

You Are Scary

Scary!

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How scary are you?

boo.

i have no idea why i wasted time doing so many dumb quizes, lol, and pushed my actualy post down. so kill me. just make sure you go down there and read it, okae??

0 comments
9:28 pm

•

i come to you with an open heart
expecting nothing more than just something
past the point of no return
no backward glances
past a thought of "if" or "when"
no overlooked chances

then nothing more
it all did end
before she said
before it began
you've taken my chance
oh most unjust
oh how then, must, this dream end?
fall to humanity
carried up to Him
my fate decided
decided

who am i to judge
your fears
how can i accept my own
my pain in place of yours
is it so?
fear not for life
then why i yours
for must we not all return to Him?
for must we not
all return to
Him

beyond the point of no return
that our passions may fuse and merge
dropped all defences
the final threshhold
beyond the point of no return
it all did end

so beyond the point of no return
my faith departed
beyond the point of no return
i was lifted up
alone.

quite nearly given up all hope. why should it go further? when nobody does bother?

but i'll refrain from breaking into verse again.. it's just that, typing like that, impromtu, it's like, singing without music. hAizz.. whatever.

tag-boards everywhere are good and dead. lagging up the loading of all the blogs. whatever lorh. everything is stagnant again. how come where i'm busy, so much else happens, and when i'm not, nothing seems to? or is it only, more? too much? until i am blinded?

by the way, yes, it is beyond the point of no return, some lines. just share the feeling, somehow.. thank you, Leroux Gaston. lol. there. i've acknowledged.

i havent the slishtest clue what's going on. only what's happening to me. and it's not pretty. complete and utter independence comes my way; to rejoice or to mourn what could have been, if i had perfect parents? hah. as if. but if only better.. what could not have been enough? the circumstances before me, and worse, that's what. anyway, i'm preparing myself to move out. i want to make the possibility there, so that in a twinkling, i could do it, once there is a place. i'm preparing everything.God's will be done, hAiz.. i dunno what to say. it's messing me up. but i know where i stand, and i stand justified by the Word, and as a bonus, my morals and logic.. it's enuff.

i get the feeling that not a lot of people will understand the later patr of the verse, after rereading. lol. yayy for complicated english. anyways, all my other subjects are so screwed, with the exception of chemistry and philosophy that i'll prbably have to major english or music or some pathetic thing like i dunno.. some crap. not accountancy. i'd rather live with just A level certs.

bah. i dunno what to do now. there's work, that i've been chansed for for a long time by my group members. i know it's wrong to involve them, but.. i just never felt like i was i part of the group. i was just thrown here after not being allowed to be with the people i loved by teachers. these are strangers, they have no life, no care for logic and reasoning, totally shallow. and they're MEP; how they do so well in music is beyond me. must be those, totally just doing for the sake of it kinda people. either that or hopeless pathetic manga-anime absorbed freaks. whatever makes you happy, you know?

i really should just shut up and go and do the da*n project reflections, but i have no idea what to write. one and a half pages. what would i say? they have let em do nothing, because i am not educated in music. but it is so much more a part of my life.. whatever. cease to judge.

is anyone there?

bah. whatever.

just wanna say, you know who you are. if you wake up tomorrow and i'm dead, or any other day, just wanna say.. you know who you are. i love you.

0 comments
8:39 pm

Saturday, July 30, 2005

•

I'm really sick and tired of all u ignorant fools who think choir is a slack and wimpy cca where u can just sit back, pretend to sing and let others do the job. oh u think, everyone can sing, look at me lalala i can sing fun singalong songs, there's no skill involved! Just open your mouth, let sound come out and tada u get a gold with honours. easy as pie. if u dun fucking know how much skill and practice has been put into achieving the standard of choral singing we get, dun bloody compare us to cheap karaoke/campfire/praiseandworship/singalong songs will u.

U think oh look all the choir does all day is sit in an aircon LT and sing sing sing. Hah how slacky is that. Ooh look at rugby it's so physically demanding they train all day and end up sweating tired and aching. those poor boys. how skillful they must be compared to slacker choir pple. Bloody hell just bcos choir isnt as physically intensive doesnt mean it isnt as demanding. if u think physical activity is the most accurate gauge of skill involved then u're sadly immature.

U have absolutely on idea how subtle, how incredibly hard, and how rewarding it is to achieve that special blend, that sparkle of sound in the air where everyone's tone comes together and produces the magic. U have no idea how much teamwork is involved in choir. it's not a case where a strong singer can cover up and compensate for a weak one. the choir is only as good as the weakest singer.

Just a few hertz off, mouth opened a little too big, too much sound spilling out, the wrong tone, placement, vowel, and reveberrating space at the back of your mouth, that's all it takes to utterly destroy the sound everyone is labouring to bring out. U have no idea how much focus and commitment we have to put in.

I dare say each one of us has worked just as hard, if not more, than all your 'manly' ccas, and our wonderful sectional leaders doubly so. i really respect them for that. so just bcos the results we
strive towards is not as tangible and not as obvious doesnt mean it isnt there. grow up will u! i'm not asking u to respect choir, i just wish u guys wun be so quick to condemn us. some sec 1s might join us with e attitude in mind that choir is slack, but their delusion certainly gets shattered pretty fast. A few black sheep shouldnt be used to represent the choir as a whole.

Y are stereotypes always so annoyingly twisted. Guys = sports? Guys who sing are gay and wimpy? What utter rubbish! Look at the sec 1s they scream and act gay and talk in funny high pitches and sing in even higher pitches. Puhleese, which other sec 1 doesnt do that. Just bcos slacker sec1s join choir, and the less soft-spoken ones dun dare to cos of ooh Stereotypess, so choir pple r wimps? U think a sportsman cant sing for nuts? Or choir pple cant excel in napfa? Y should u let circumstances define us. Come on la, u're smarter than that. Dun be so quick to jump to assumptions.

I'm really too sick to ramble on anymore. I dun intend to change anything, i know this measly post wun do nothing against irrational emotional conformity. I just need a place to vent. To those whom which this doesnt concern, i'm sorry. To those who think i should go die, go screw yourself. And to the rest, just take it with a pinch of salt ya. I'm not like insanely depressed or anything, u dun have to ask me about my post and pretend to act nice and comforting and everything for the sake of being wad a fren shld be ya. i'm alright, really. just need to unspoken rantings from my system =)

yess, koped frm earthworm's blog from gerard's blog. cheers to you, gerard. he's a damn nice, guy one, so this is really coming frm his heart, lol, can't imaginie this everyday from him =)

i guess in a way i'm better off, cause i've already taken so much of this shit from everyone, parents taking it like it's a utterly useless cca, oldier friends and batchmates(some of them, mind you, there are sane people on this earth, thank goodness) going, aiyah why to f*** u join choir, and younger budds frm church and primary sch and everywhere going, whaaa??? you're in choir? no way.. dun bluff, u in track or bball or what?

so i really dun give a shyt anymore, what you morons think. hi ho dingy. singing rawks mua world.
0 comments
9:15 am

•

before i always thought
what could i do for people
how could i help them become better
(if they wanted to)
then somehow, inexplicably
i did something.
and now things are different.

i want it back the way it was.
it's stuopid and childish, perhaps
but now i know
people have always been great
the way they were
because that was them
now it's just
a sad version of them

some people were meant to be mature
some people were just meant to
screw around and make trouble for the mature people.
i guess i have to accept that.
it works, anyway
this weird balancing system.
i just have to accept it.
0 comments
7:56 am

Friday, July 29, 2005

•

down to the desk
cover your head
everything's small
every noise an echo
nothing means anything
anything is everything
everything becomes what i can see
from
down at the desk
under my arms

today was.. ineventful. i'm pushing my luck, really. homework, projects, assignments, failing those tests all the time.. what's gonna happen in the end? whatever it is.. i'll accept it, becaus ei have to, and because i should.. but why do i have to make it this way? pure stupidity.. but why? then why again? then yet again?

handed in my proposal for the next year's choir ExCo.. it's a joke really. but i'm serious about it. lol. seriously joking, jokingly serious. when one sits down and thinks about it, it sudden;y appears that there are few ways out. here's a duty i must accept, i fear.. but i'll have to embrace, cause i'll force myself to. cause it's for the good of the choir. the people of the years past have given me something so valuable, and cherished.. i hope to give this on to the future people. whether or not i think they deserve it. because the truth is, i see so few who are worthy, and so many who are spoiling the creme de la crop. and then.. the others who just linger. diluting such a group of people who can be a potent force for brotherhood, and friendship, and love and music, in Singapore and around the region, at least, if not in the world. it's about longing and desire, passion and commitment, a goal and the common and sole purpose; to strive for it. but such magnificent, perfect conditions are impossible..

so i'll do what i can, if it goes as is best, as i try to make it. i'l try to make these people into the best they can be. because although Toh may say, we have great potential that is yet to be realized, i see it in a separate, yet not different light. these people can make good now; bring people together to share and make music. they just have to realize that they can. it's not quite so far away as realizing potential; we have the power to realize it now, just that these people.. they will not be motivated by music itself. i have not an inkling why. the thing is.. it lies right before us. all we have to do is grab it; the thing is, these people don't realize how close it all is, what we could have done in all the time we wasted. we just have to start doing it.

... ... anyway, i've submitted my resume, and my projected ExCo. it lies in the hands of God now. and more.. directly? the sec 4s. it'll turn out alright. because how well it turns out is all based on what we expect, and how we accept the outcome. i want it to be okae, and i expect it to be okae; if it's not okae enuff, i'll find a way, somehow, to make it okae. so it will be, okae.

* * *

after school, we were supposed to see Mrs Koh for some mysterious reason.. turns out we'll get compensated for the flight that was cancelled and cause us to take a bus, tripling the travelling time and causing us to be late and having to postpone several events. it was all handled well at that time, but i still that God that we will be compensated. five hundred dollars. Singapore Dollars, i expect. but anyhow.. it'll go to my savings fund for next year's trip =) such nice people.. so i realize, it's not always a bad thing to remember the bad things about others.. provided you do it with good intentions. mrs koh has always been keeping track a bit of me, haha.. cause i always mood swing in choir one.. v confusing to them, i expect, cause they probably see a lot more of me, emotionally, than anyone else.. somebody go and extra lorh, and mrs koh found out that there was some problem getting cash to go for this year's trip.. parents dowan to pay lorh.. so inde end i managed to say, this thing once in four years what(which it turns out that it wouldn't be), once in a lifetimechance mah(ditto, and i hope cont, in JC, lol..), lemme go lorh.. so they say can lorh, cept i take out 1K interest free loan, lol.. i pay back wif my saving lah. i can save one. everyday at sch can survive on water one, lol.. since primary sch i can waste water, even save da 2 dollars a day, lol.. so tt one was settled. anyways, mrs koh somehow found out, then asked me about it, ask take loan frmo who, paid back already or nt.. so inde end she suggested, i accented(tho i probably didn't have much choir, lol, mrs koh is very erm, determined, haha.. and that's usually a good thing.. =] ), and so the five hundred bucks in goodness knows what currency(if it's Euros i say yayy =P) goes to the fund to save for next year's trip, whoppee.

as she predicted, as soon as i came back and told my parents about the trip next year and the refunded cash, straightaway first things that came to their mind way, nopenopenope, not going to pay a cent for yet another stupid trip to go to some stupid competition where there's no prize money, nothing nothing nothing, no reason to go. so i says, fine whatever, i'll get the money somehow. i found an ad in the class ads two days ago about some singing assignment @ esplanade, lol, pretty long ago huh, for a class. ad. anyways, gonna try to convince geof to come along if anything comes of it, then i'll give a call and see what happens. otherwise.. the search is on. actually, it was on all the time, that esplanade thing was just a one time assignment, lol.. anyways, we'll see what happens.. two of us meeting on monday @ geof's place to settle the CD thing.. yea.

anyways, whilst writing the so-called projected ExCo plan, was thinking a lot about sec ones and twos.. haha.. i have this problem with remembering names, unless it's someone who actually becomes pretty darn noticable, lol.. anyways, i'm pretty much mix around with all the batches in choir at any point of time one, lol, since i came in at sec one, already kinda.. lol. yea, irritating to da upper sec, i guess.. maybe.. but anyways, since they became exco, started becoming more distant, i took a hint and screwed off. i guess they're really busy with admin and stuff, but so sad, i'll always miss those 6.30 am soccer sessions before choir prac on saturdays, lol.. maybe i'll get a chance to reinstate, but it'll never be the same without those guys. i have a thing with people older than me, huh.. lol.. maybe cause i can't stand immatureness..? but people say i'm kinda immature, but that's just a part of me, i guess. i hopp around a lot, so you see stuff. there are times to be serious, and times to just joke around and make people happy and relaxed when their all stressed up(like during mealtimes when we were overseas training like mad @ da hotel for the competition), and then there are times when certain serious matters, as they may appear, need to be taken more lightly, if even a bit. i guess it's a matter of opinion.

woww, this is turning out to be a long piece of.. thing. lol.. dotz. whatever..

anyways, i was just looking at the sec ones(figuratively -.-), then it's like, their all stoning around, or making a fool of themselves, tring to suck up to seniors for no good reason, or it's just something else, how on earth am i to know exactly, i'm not them. but kangjie seems to be the special one.. lol.. i wonder why he didn't go on the trip, of all sec ones.. i hope it's not because of financial problems. you just gotta have willpower for that kinda thing, and the confidence to stand up and asy, i'll find my way around it, no matter what you're gonna to to stop me, it really comes from just having good, true friends who you know you can depend on when the tide comes in. so i hope he's not having problems in that way.. cause he's really probably the only decent sec one, overall-wise, lol.. unusual. it'a probably a bad thing. shows that future generations are getting more.. screwed up. okae, so it is a bad thing. go figure. what can we do; we aren't the one rasing these generations of kids after us. our parents totally messed with us, cause they all generally got a bit of metal problem, transferring from the post-independance era to the modern. so we had to grow up to find our own ways to handle them, learn our moral values from somewhere other than home, and somehow not all become jerks and b****s. i think we did pretty okae.

from sec ones to little kids who have just entered primary school.. it shows, really. may eb i'm being harsh on them, their just kids, but i believe that as humans, we have been made to live up to whatever expectations that are made of us. we become only as good as we are expected to be; both by ourselves, and by others, cause in the end, what others expect of you will affect what you expect of you, somehow.. parents nowadays are going soft. i'm serious. their not close enuff with their kids.. so these softy kids who more or less got everything they want, or might want(cause these parents do go and buy all the "in" stuff for them, would you believe it. a primary one or two kid with this huge reebok bag i've been eying, and so many lugging billabong bags around and throwing them about. obviously have no idea what these names mean to earlier generations, lol.. i'm becoming a brand advert or something. shoo, shut up advert guy.). okae. that's a long bracket.

it reflects a sad story of the Singapore that will be after our few batches hand over the baton, throw in the towel and just give up, go home and retire.. lol... these kids just have incredibly thick skin in asking for things, and are completely shameless about behaving in public, lol.. but is it better than if they were all little muggers and quite kias, sitting quietly in the corner of the MRT? hmm.. howabout if they were all posing around all the time, lol, superficial wanna-be pai kia-s.. lol.. wld tt be worse? lol.. naahh.. haha.. cause we're a good mix. my batch.. i think my batch, plus minus one or two, we would be the remainder.. the stuff that's left after the really strong stuff has been taken away.. like the lower-fat milk at the bottom after the richer stuff, the cream layer has been removed from the settling fresh milk.. lol.. yea. weird symbology, but what the heck. but the main point is.. all this sucks.. but it could be worse.... couldn't it? >.<

just like that, the week flew by.. next monday is full day of, whopee.. seems the two full days off a year tradition won't be broken just because there's no more O level results to celebrate.. first the sports season, then the arts and academics season.. lol.. whatever lorh. the days off suit me just fine =)

so monday i'll be out frmo da morn.. busy doing stuff, hoho.. but i'll prob end up being back after i take lunch, so tally ho.. change up and head down to choir at church? hmm.. maybe i'll just go direct. aiyahh, just see where i end up in the end.. nowadays i don't get much random exploration fo Singapore time liaoz, lol, not hardly for a long while.. monday won't exactly be, cause there is stuff i have to do, lots of it, and i'll be lugging a lot of stuff around, especially if i'm going direct to choir.. lol... so see how lorh. impromptu a bit lah, heh heh.

tally ho, then. till next time.

(betcha thinking, next time beter not be so long ah, otherwise i'll just skip through instead of reading.. haha..)
0 comments
7:38 pm

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

•

i just woke from the.. no. it's not the wierdest. not quite, i think. but the only things i remember.. two of the guys rehearsing for something.. both of them got the red rose from the teachers. but they weren't really rehearsing.. they were talking about some guy.. about an incident in the past. about a guy who knifed someone else in the school.

i got the violet rose. all without stems, just the soft, fully bloomed radiant rose in our roughened hands, gentle petels at our mercy. but they were held like a trophy, a prize at the end of the day. i had finally received mine. a teacher i past on the way upstairs where the two guys were rehearsing said something to me about making a good effort or something like that.. later on. like there was going to be something happening later on. but the atmosphere seemed like the day was over, and people were ready to turn in after dinner.

i asked him, could i make a phone call? he shook his head.. regretfully? made my way up the small curling wodden steps.. left him discussing something with another teacher about nuns.. (lol)..

they say the people who seek meanings in dreams are foolish, but dreams are unusual anyway. unusual as in, not usual. parts of life.

so i seek on.

(July 27th update)
i look back at this, and i recall so much more vividly than i can put into words.. i wish i could build it. the place. cause with the place as it is,the spirit of the people who were there remains.. the narrow upper room, almost-gnarled wooden benches cramped side by side to accomodate all the guys.. such a narrow building. i wonder why. narrow. cramped, but comfortably so. cosy, almost. it's the people, i guess. and just the atmosphere.

but some things just can't be put into words, even music. perhaps it would be possible to draw it out, but i doubt it, to capture the spirit of it all. that's why i want to build. architecture. all the dreams of mine thrown into reality, the only things missing are the people and spirits.

but the loneliness of the place will only bring melancholy and reminiscence. the loneliness of the place will help me remember and regret. that's enough.

can i afford to ask for more?

(9.38pm)
dunno why i don't want to start a new entry for today.. haiz.. i guess it's cause i'm still thinking about tt thing. it's a continuation, really. so much crap happened today.. i really don't want to think about it. another day maybe.. tmr or something. not now.

thinking.. what would the world be without girls. ignoring the procreation factor... =.=" seriously, that's the first thing some people will think about when i mention the thought, it's so silly.. is that the most important thing about them?

in an all guys school.. it teaches stuff that being in a mixed school doesn't. i suppose one could learn other things frm being in a mixed school; there's always something you can learn from any new experience. but i've experienced it, and i will again, so im glad RI is all guys. shows you what guys are like when they aren't thinking about gals, lol. or at least not most of the time.

the brotherhood feel is strong.. but what does that mean actually..? relationships are distant but not thin.. there are a few pairs or threes that are closer, and then there are social groups.. everyone is distant, somehow, i have no idea what i'm comparing the feeling to. what i'd imagine it to be if it weren't all guys? how reliable is that? but somehow when the need is there, everyone comes together. all it takes to convine everyone to do something is the sincere belief that something is right, and they will consider it seriously; we're not people with terrible moral standards, but there are always pranks and stuff, but somehow people are united in just the right things. not to say morally right, perhaps, at least not all the time, but things turn out all right in the end..

but then people aren't all follow the leader either. people stand up and out; the thing is that, these people are ignored. left out of everyone else. the people who have separate beliefs on what is right, what needs to be done.. they just do what they believe. everyone else will have respect for this man, whether they willingly or not; they cannot but help it, because everyone does. everyone has a reason for making choices, and reasons are respected, so long as they're not pure foolhardiness.

trends are never started by an obvious group of people. someone, somewhere, does something cool; another guy notices, and does it, and his friends all do, and so it passes.. the initiative is hardly ever noticed. it's probably a good thing, because if he wanted to be noticed, he would make himself. so he doesn't. and so he isn't.

pai kia.. can't be helped. but pai kia isn't a group of people, it's a syndrome. without girls, i think somehow we can get a little closer than if there were, so nobody really does stupid things all the time. when it happens, we let it happen for a while, then.. xiong di men, go and talk to him, restrain him.. groups? it happens.. but it never lasts. cause when you're amongst people who actually give a shit what happens to you later, you start to care about what you're doing. people notice that you keep going into detention for something, they talk to you, they just go, oi, dun be stupid lah, always wasting time in detention.. the meaning is there, it's put across in a way that is just.. different. male ego, you gals say? perhaps. but who cares? it's our way of communicating; we're comfortable. it's not wrong; is it? i don't see why it should be.

why i'm suddenly talking about this?

cause this feeling is precisely what i felt then. and it feels.. strangely comfortable. amongst brothers. there will be no longstanding conflict; because we all care for each other in a special way. because we all know what each other is really like, directly and indirectly, and together, we're a powerful force for good. making sure we stay good. the image is there, but the force for right is also. no matter how it may seem, amongst brothers, nobody can feel like one of those pai kia you see on the streets. and yet, even thought we know the so-called pai kia we know are just normal people, when we see another whom we don't know somewhere along the way, we just can't imagine that this guy from another brotherhood is really, just like us.

cause we're all just people. and people who know each other have a way for caring. even in the wierdest ways.

cause i felt that. and i felt at ease.

it makes no sense, probably. but..

it's good.
0 comments
9:19 pm

•

hundred and tenth.

there's just something about today. something.. unusual. special.

just feel so... i dunno how to describe it. the hurt inside has come back for no reason at all. not at the heart, it's nowhere at all, just inside. suddenly, that pain that comes from.. what? i guess i'll have to experience it again to attiribute something as its cause, but.. today.. i dunno.

is it the weather?

crud. it bites.
0 comments
4:47 pm

•

I just showered earlier this morning, but now God cleanses my mind. The rain
comes down harder just outside the shelter of the trees, the entry into the grey
buildings that line the roads and fill my world. But what is refuge if it is not
wanted?

my hair is cut; short. The rain used to hit and run, past my
eyes, shaken off. Now it drives right in, i feel it on my skin. the emotions
remain Unwritten.

I feel naked, but all the while i've only been hiding
behind a fake barrier, a covering in my mind. When you live in the rain, expect
to get wet. Cars race past and kick up small scattered lakes amongst, within the
black of the road, unbrellas all around me divert the rain back and forth until
it all reaches me.

don't feel sorry for yourself, don't be proud because
you endure the rain alone. you chose to. Don't run for shelter halfway through,
don't shelter with a passer-by. remember that what you choose affects others;
choose to affect others in a way in line with your morals. Feel the rain on your
skin; don't just let it roll off.

I walk the streets alone, the ground
seems to be my interest, but I see everything. or i think i do. my friends of
the sky take shelter in the shadows of the trees that rain down upon me, and
strangers that i recognise and know walk past and aside me. I've read their
eyes; only one has ever read mine, but that doesn't matter, because there is no
one for it to matter to. Some walk beneath shelter, some choose the darkened
sky, willingly or otherwise. but i walk alone, with an umbrella in my bag, and a
jacket in my locker. Because there is no one with me to shelter. therefore i
walk in the rain.

wherewith i walk alone, in the rain.
rain in the morning, rain at night, rain at the airport before i board my flight.. been raining a lot lately, and today it rained the way i can appreciate it. rain coming before anyone can prepare for it; so everyone has to take it as it comes, in their stride. then you can see the true colors of all things; human and otherwise.

tomorrow is the.. eighth? RI lecture 2005, blah blah blah.. 1.5 hours of a guy from somewhere talking about something important to us, but at such a time and palce, and in such conditions that it is impossible for us to take interest. questions and thoughts cannot be put forth as they spring up, discussion cannot happen, you expect us to stay awake? so everyone will be up late tonight, gaming or out with friends, or doing late homework; we can just sleep sitting up tomorrow, hidden in the crowd of one thousand people. one and a half hours, on the wooden floor. in the cool of the rain, i hope. or cold. it'll work.

i don't feel funny anymore, don't feel like making anyone laugh. permanant masculine stupidity, to our race unkind, oh woe is me. choir is getting all to serious; it's not about passion and laughter and love and brotherhood anymore. not even partially. Toh sees the weakness in our batch; our divide. i fear he will seize the choir, and that will be the end of it; none of the following batches have the strenght of spirit or heart to regain what is ours. all i can do is to try to help each group reconcile, bond, and hope for the best. we must be one.

now nothing is happening. it's finished, and we have done it all well, in the eyes of God, i pray. but what happens now? nothing more? is then, all that happened, good? people that you love the most are the ones who have the power to hurt you the most.. what happens now? can i help things move? how Lord? i'm young, and new to this place. what can i do?

at first i thought, lo, behold! here is a way, after so much consideration. music can bond us. but then i see, how am i to, and how is another to. i cannot. for the stupidest reasons. give me courage, Lord.. i cannot see another way, yet i know there must be millions, through your guidiance.

the paper is before me. let me tear is and crush it; because it is finished.

it is finished.

is that how it will be?
0 comments
3:23 pm

Monday, July 25, 2005

•

blinkie*

hahahhahaa.. so cute. lol. so funny. yes, sorry danne, even funnier than you, and very much so. lol..

shall not put any name, for fear of the very person herself from becoming informed that i have witnessed what i have.

hahaaha.. kaekaekaekaeke.. forgive me, lol.. outburst..

so.. indescribable. none of the above words describe appropriately, really. i have no idea what made me use them. i wld delete them, but then i would have nothing to replace them, then i would end up deleting this whole thing, which would probably be a good thing but i don't want to do it. lol..

abosolutely.

in love all over again.

hurhur.

diaoz*
0 comments
9:17 pm

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haiz.. back late again. if 8pm is late. it's kinda middlish by standards, but who cares. nobody, lol. so nevermind.

interviews will begin.. next week? think so. choir.. haiz. dunno what to say. sec 3s are wierd.. and divided. haiz. how can anything happen liddis. divided we fallll......

so many things make no sense at all when it comes to human behavior lorh.. why should familiarity breed contempt?? haiz.. but it does, and i've experienced it.. all too painfully. so i'm kinda wary about getting to know people, i think.. casue, you know. but then again it's kinda hard t get to know people that well if i keep being the way i am, isn't it? takes so long for me to open up. haha.. well i'd like to say it depends on the people, which may be true, but i can't be sure. haiz. whatever.

maybe even travelling is a scam. it would just meant that i would know loads of people all over pretty well, but not neary well enuff. for anything. blehh.. crapshyt. what on earth is going on, the thoughts behind the thoughts that i'm aware of? the things that i think of unknowingly, the things that i decide to do without knowing what or why? how much don't i know, anyway??

haizz.. dunno what to do. people are giving me the fake laughter. online. meetings are weird. haiz.. to read minds. would be such a plague, i know, but just at certain points, to know about certain things that someone else is thinking about, then.. aiyahh.

but then why don't i just ask.

cause i can't..

whatever lah.. maybe it's all full of crap, maybe it isn't. everything is geting fuzzy, i don't know what people are thinking, and now i wonder what a lot of people are thinking. even more than i was used to. so i totally dunno what to do. i guess it'll just come, and i'll do something in the spur, then it'll be over, and i'll be like, that was it? then the results will come, and i'll be both regretful and at the same time, having to be acceptant, so as not to seem ungrateful.. cause i don't want to be.

whatever.. this is crap.

everything just gets wierder and wierder. bio J Lim is leaving sch for america on some weird teacher thingy programme, so goodness knows what happens to bio after that. spent much of the period discussing the difference bewteen excretion and defaecation, she did. said teaching was about acting.. what kind of crap it that. ughh. dumb JLim.

i don't want to live life like i'm in some sort of drama. things shouldn't happen because i'm acting.

i've thrown my mask away, some time ago. i will not put it on again.
0 comments
8:46 pm

Sunday, July 24, 2005

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i need a new work plan

working late nights.. i know it's not good for me, but it was always like, what the heck, everyone's doing this late. but somehow, i end up the last person online, and whatever stuff.

staying up late to finish work is getting boring anyway. i need a change.

doing it in the middle of the day.. hmm.. may nt work, cause will end up slacking around.. how about early in the morn? haha.. cool. but only during holidays then cann.. 0.o can't wake up at 3am and sleep at 8 during sch term can i. makes no sense. haha. hm. possible. wake up, breakfast, workout/stuff, then shower and work! hoho.

we'll see.

besides, i want to spend more evenings relaxing wif frens.

but somehow friends are always spending the evenings relaxing wif their family..
0 comments
11:33 pm

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A lot of random thots todae..

you know, when you just stand from a disatnce, and look at a big map of the world, then you see the places you've bee to: South Korea, san frans, aussie, nz, wernigerode, amsterdam.. it's just. woww. the world is a big place.

i think the skit today was cool, lol. everyone was pretty okae and relaxed lah, i think tt's important. if you have confidence, somehow you'll make it thorugh, you know?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of the world.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the potential that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

adapted from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, more well known to be a quote of coach carter.. yea.. in a way that's what i feel. the possibilities are endless; it's our fear that corners us. ladeeda.

it's nice to sit and listen to you singing, you know? just singing alone. or playing the guiter and singing, or the piano. haiz, so talented, you people. cannot tahan. all i can do is sing.

but it's cool to listen to you singing, taking breaths in between, and just singing. just singing.

everyone seems to have some image to hold onto. something they believe in, or appreciate, and they don't mind being characterised as. feel so.. OOC. but i have no character. what am i..? yang ming? so nt.. haha.. maybe it was funny at that time, but the joke wears old you know? i didn't even know the guy before last year, and poff.. i dunno what to think, how to say it so it doesn't insult people. ugh. maybe i'm thinking about that too much; not insulting people. making a good image for myself. that's why i don't say much, cause i'm afrad that i'll get carried away. which it's proven, i do. then i shut up, and get all moody and something cause of some little thing that happens. it's proven. in RV.

who am i.

dotz... inde end dotty wore black shirt then pasted white paper dots all over wif.. tape? lol.. so dotz.. haha.. funny. ahem. right.

after it all.. it just seems so natural. things only turn out to be fine if i end up having to be alone. alone. then everyone's happy, and everythig falls into place perfetly. even from my point of view. the perfect conclusion always seems to mean i'm alone. whyy? i don't want to be alone all the time. well, i'm not really, but..

ugh. squished nito a dimentional singularity. that's how it feels like sometimes. being so tiny, seemingly alone in the vast portals of space that whilst everything around me spinns and whirls and glows, i'm just squished there.

but i don't want to draw the light away from people as i draw closer to it.

blaahhhh. wt- am i talking about. whatever..

actually i put it up a while ago liaoz. More Than Words. another song from old school. dunno what i'm supposed to do now. i think i dropped japanese in ti's tracks for a while to try guitar again, and i actually got further than i did before. then everything starts to stagnate again. ugh.

singularity. singularity in everything.

suX0rz.
0 comments
4:02 pm

Saturday, July 23, 2005

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why do endings make so much difference...? haiz..

forget it first.. wells.. today choir for da first time, hoho.. haha.. erm, no comment? haha.. dunno lah. yea. church choir. hm. well. it has loads of potential, but you know what Toh says. the needs to actually be developed thing. lol yea XS so badd..

my hair is officially cut, and it kinda sucks. boo to short hair, now my head looks like it's topped with wild grass or something. this kinda hair is so totally for NSMen only.

haiz. dunno what to say. life is totally really stone now. yea, even more than before. homework is hardly moving along, tho math seems to be; i can understand a greater precentage of the stuff that Hippo says now. but otherwise, it's really pretty sad. oh well. to live in dreams. i guess it's better than not to live at all, and furthermore, there's the time when all dreams can come true to look forward to.

haizz. whatever lah. it's so wierd. no comment lah.. dunno what i shdl say. ugh. i mean, i say already ppl will say stuff, and shit. blehh..

Losing Is Not An Option. read it. frikkin good book. you know when they say, if i were born in another person'a body, this is how i wld probably have turned out to be like? yea. totally. i tell you, if i ever have a son.. hahahah.. well. whatever. just read it, heck. read it.

that kind of love.. the kind of love that devotes to one, then a few more, and for some odd reason, discourages everyone else. why embrace this kind of love? whyy??? haiz..

but that just makes no sense to my heart//..*
0 comments
7:16 pm

Friday, July 22, 2005

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i've forgotten about everything else lah. kaoz. there's truely promise in the Lord.

Dear God, bless this small bit of your kingdom on this earth here, till your greatest Kingdom come.. nothing more can i ask. only Your blessings. bless this kingdom.

toopid evelyn rushing me for the com, just after i got onto it for a while summore.. i went out the whole day lah, why couldn't she use it earlier? and as usual, mom and dad side her, regardless of all logic and reasoning.. haiz.. whatevers.

doody do.

bless this kingdom. doody do.

and if it is meant to be so, let me tell the people i meet in my travels that this people and place is, my hometown
0 comments
10:52 pm

Thursday, July 21, 2005

•

He goes from town to town, city to city, and heart to heart.. Every time
it's time to leave, he tells each one with heart: I wish i could stay here a
while longer, perhaps forever; but it's tiem to go, i know i'm needed somewhere
else, someone else somewhere else needs a bit of heart, and bit of soul and a
bit of true unconditional love too.

He'll look you in the eye and say, here's my number, and here's how to find
me online; here's the address of those closest to me, and here are the places i
return to sometimes. i'll always be available to you, somehow, somewhere, and if
you ever need me, call me quick, and i'll be there, for you however you want me,
online, by phone, or in person. Because i really care about everyone i really
know, everywhere i go.

And you'll want to believe him, but it'll be so hard, because he's close to
everyone, and loves everyone so much, that none can be loved any more than any
others. but you'll want to believe him, and then he'll turn to you again and fix
you with his eyes.

Do you want to come with me? it doesn't matter how long you want to or can,
or where i'm bound, or what i'm going to do, or how much money you have, or how
many possessions you are bringing; anytime you can return to whereever you came
from, and if you want to stay on with me, there will always be a way..

Then he'll have to leave you, and you'll see him look up above, and you'll
hear him say to Somebody: Thank you Lord, that you have empowered me to do what
you have empowered me to do.

my dream of being everywhere is real, and i want to make it come, if it is truely God's will.. He'll bring me there, if it is.. because i'm convicted that there are so many more people out there like the ones i already know. haizz.. i keep dreaming. and i'll continue dreaming.

just for laughs.. i'm reminded by geof's MSN nick about that time at RI open house, where Bob Koh came up to the RV booth and asked us about the competition trip.. he asked us; what did we remember most about our trip there in germany. so we were erm-ing and ahh-ing, then he was like, the food, or the culture or something? then i went and blurted out, ohh, scheißer!! the scheißer was really good. then he was like, ooh, what's scheißer? so i was like, erm ah, oh, it's a type of meatloaf. =)) dunno what's scheißer? go check up a german-english dictionary. so he happily went of thinking that scheißer is a german meatloaf, lol.. i know it's very bad lah, but at that point just dunno what else to say. anyways, it is funny =) like, imagine one day he goes to germany, and then he starts wandering around, then goes into a restaurant, then he asks the waiter, heyy waiter, can i try some scheißer? =D

and that's why geof's nick is now [[:: g3of ;;` meatloaves!]] =)
0 comments
9:32 pm

•

harlow.. back from sch unusually early today, haha.. slacking lah.. never go and find teachers to catch up on the stuff i missed when i was away. oh wells. try to mug myself.

tmr will be shuper busy ah, loads of things to settle before i can go off for the church anniversary preps.. haha.. hope i don't forget anything.. lol, i better just go and make a list, otherwise shurely miss something out.

blueberry morning is good. haha. but does it have trans fats when makeing the corm flakes? hmm..

going out to get my spare specs, haha.. be right back.

***

ah well, partially hydrogenated sunflower oil. to be expected.. haiz. it's corn flakes after all. lol. bio..

new specs are cool, i need a haircut. see if i can't get one before i go down for anniversary preps tmr.. but it'll be pretty mah fun lah. go bangkit road then all the way back down. haha. think i'll take 188 this time. rather than taking MRT..

August first gonna have a full day off.. monday worh, long day bob koh still give off. i think he's a nice guy lah, i guess, just ignorant about stuff. in a nt tt nice way. oh wells. nobody's perfect. judge nt..

so tt day gonna go out and screw around i guess.. everyone will be at school, what's there to do really. hit the gym earlier so that i got more time in da afternoon for work and stuff i guess.. anyone for fan4? lol.. i actually haven't even watched it yet. 1.60 promo over, how sad. whatever..

red and black are hot. turn it up and keep it there. nicee. haha. ditto with blue and black, only it's cooler. =))

nth interesting to say, everyone is so dead.. i'm dying to. is it the weather? hmm.. it's really muddy. i'd rather the place were flooded than mud everywhere. oh well.. it'll pass, eh? lol.. ho well this and oh well that..

baibai then.

0 comments
4:48 pm

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

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everything was moving along as best as it ever had
then now it seems that everything suddenly froze over
everything is still it their places
but nothing moves
gentle glow of humanity
why have your influences ceased?
everything in place
but suddenly halted
everything in place
but the heart is gone
0 comments
8:21 pm

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Raffles_Institution

chucking in all the news posts now, haha, at 1.30am.. shdl really be doing my hw, but what the heck.

well, from a current student's observation, trying to be absolutely
neutral, one has to admit that the current selection of prefects has come into
power, if we may say that, at least partly due to the election and nomination fo
students.. also they do undertake certain other important roles in the
administration fo the school, such as aiding in the organisation, or organizing
idependantly, certain events.. however, the general feeling is still, i must
say, that prefects are a separate breed from the comman student, if one may make
such a generalization.. the treatment is different; however some may feel that
that is justified, so that is most probably not a topic of discussion. however
there is a feel that the "prefect race" is one distinct, even to the extent to
be compared to the separation between GEP and the Special/Express course..
--> this is the opinion of a current non-prefect member of the enrolement of
the Raffles Institution. just to let you know, not GE either, haha fancy
language is.. sui generis? perhaps not.. but tt's not pertinant, it it?
=P

haha, you go to the discussion page for Raffles Institution article in wikipedia, and you see this humongous piece of crap typed in excessively cheem language evaluating the prefectorial board of RI.. done by yours truely =P haha, so that makes me the one who typed the most crap that is not considered spam or flaming on the discussion page of this article? hahaha...

fancy english is cool okae.

0 comments
1:29 am

•

interesting to note that toh ban sheng is recognised amongst nelson kwei, jennifer tham and others as the premier condutors of thhe new age musical scence in singapore.. there is consideralbe complaint of lack of acknowledgement towards the choral scence in singapore, in contrast to the drama scene, and i have to say i agreee. greatly.

nelson kwei was resident conductor of raffles voices before toh ban sheng came in and took over, for what erason i'm not too aware, because the very year that toh ban sheng took charge of the choir, i entered the school, and at the same time, the choir. it's also interesting to note that despite the complaints that nelson kwei is not given sufficient recognition for his contributions to the choral scene in singapore, he is very obviously the widest known choral conductor in singapore amongst the others recognised by the NUS, simply by checking up each conductor through a Google search.

next years it the choral olympics. wonder if we will be taking part, and somehow, tho i wld look forward to it if it wld happen, there's this foreboding also.. because it always so consistant, our acheivement of good results in overseas competitions; the choirs that dared to go for such international hallmarks only do so because of the extremely intense training and efforts put in by the members of the choir. Victoria Chorale aside, most other choirs that have acheived outstanding results in international competitions are school choirs, and this are not recognised at all. but even with independant choirs, such as the Victoria Chorale, recognition is denied by the Very sector of the government which take charge of such artistic affairs.

some details and links here.

in the end, all the hard work to ensure that our trip overseas to compete with other countries and choirs of such high standards is undermined by the very society that we strove so hard for, besides for the very beauty of the music itself. as a general rule, the arts are valued in schools even below the uniformed groups, not to mention the sports groups. it's very obvious even in the primary schools; upon discovering with certain shock that i was in a choir, a friend from church still in primary school exclaimed, why didn't you just join uniformed groups?

no amount of stressing, complains and discouragement of these artistes will cause us to gain recognition amonst our contrymen, even amonst the ones we love. at least for my case. questioning everywhere, why why did you join choir, waste ur talent, whydon't join basketball, why dont' join uniformed groups, why don't just join something else?

how about, because i love to sing?

is that so much more unworthy than sports and marching in rows?
0 comments
1:11 am

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

•

sorry, really distracted earlier.. lately. haiz, change is in the air, you know? wierd things that i don't understand, hardly, are going on. i just have to live with it and try to keep in the path God's allocated for me anyways lorh. haiz. just keep swimming =]

well.. great. i forgot what i was going to say again =.="" kaee.. herm. anyways.

The Wonders, That Thing You Do.. brings back memories of childhood, lol, like we're not still children. nope, by definition of society, we're not children anymore; we're youth. but what others think doesn't always matter, does it? anyways.. haha.. really brings back memories of primary sch, with those peeps.. always during concerts and stuff that happened, we wld always play/hear these certain same songs, popular at that time.. like Para Para, and some buterfly thingy song.. and stuff.. haha.. nostalgia..

well.. lately suddenly rainy again.. nt that kinda nice rain that it's like, raining moderately every single day, on and on.. rainy city life kinda feeling.. lol.. no, now suddenly it's pouring, then it's just drizzling a bit, then those clouds that give you the steady showers slowly start up again, then it shuffles.. lol.. haiz. mixed feelings. that's what this kind of weather gives me. and how i was feeling before it started up anyway, so i guess it's really perfect timing? haiz..

went Zzz earlier, around 8 i think.. woke up at ten, ate dinner and showered.. so think im ready to go now. loads of work to be done, just do it and get over with it.. that's the way.. haha...

philo class today.. haha.. it's pretty interesting actually.. not the things that happen, but the thoughts that are put forward, the things that i'm made to consider. perception, evidence, knowledge, belief, blah blah blah, complicated things.. everything really goes rounds in round in circles, one thing justtifies another, and the second justifies the third, and the third justifies the first, so in the end it's all unrealiable, and the only conclusion is that we can never really know anything for sure... pretty depressing huh..

shan hui asked me, just casually, why we believe in anything at all, since there's really no way to know anything.. and really, just thinking aloud, it had to be because if we have nothign that we can trust, have faith in, then there's really nothing to hold on to in this world.. life truely becomes meaningless then. that's why we have faith. because without faith there is nothing.

well.. things are really stirring up now. haah.. these few months and the next couple of years will be really, really busy.. loads of things happening. can forsee it already, lol.. just hope it all turns out alright, cause this will decide a lot of things.. like how i'm gonna get food and lodging, where i'm going to go from there.. lol.. loads of thoughts sorted out since i entered RI, but there's still a long way to go from here. everything has just started to get moving. now the real challenge begins.

God bless everyone down this path. =]]
0 comments
11:41 pm

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i just can't stand it lah. sorry lah, i really don't want to make you feel worse right now, but wtf, how can you say, who cares if you don't exist?? wt the hell.. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i want to go boom on you riight now.
0 comments
5:45 pm

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haiz, back frm sch shuper late again.. never gonna get to the bank before it closes like this.

kae.. update, yesterday Toh go and kick me to bass liaoz =(( aiyahh, he say no more power bass after sec 4s graduate, so ask me to go there.. haiz.. my range very wide one what.. doing perfectly fine in baritone, summore more fun, can do high notes sumtmies and even melody.. now go bass must keep belting out those shuper low notes, so sianz.. aiyahh, who ask this bunch of people nobody else got shuper low voice, then i can at least stay in baritone.. later i kena until talking voice oso shuper low then will be damn wierd.

some teachers ahh.. really irritating lorh.. i mean, i went overseas, i have excuse lorh.. for international competition, representing Singapore leh! wtf.. then insist on giving me zero for the assignments that are overdue liaoz that were given out when i was away.. tests at least still let me retake, budden if tests can why assignments cannot? haiz.. stupid thing with IP, every dang thing done throughout the year counts, you miss a day of school may also affect ur results, dun tok about nine days.

anyways, dunno hows lah.. nt tt my results very good in the first place oso. but des why now every little bit counts what.. lol.. ii'm nt like those mad guys in my class lorh, aiming for 4.0 or 3.8 GPA.. i just want to get 2.8 or if i can get 3.0 will be sho, sho shuper happy liaoz.. previous semester already 2.12. wt- lorh.

suddenly feel like doing hw, lol.. i mean properly, cause like, i haven't eraly sit down and do hw for.. how long? just a zuo wen here, an essay there, otherwise i never erally do, just do ing school after everyone handed in liaoz, then tell etacher i'll hand in before the day is up, in the end oso hand in the next morning only, haha.. bluff the teacher that i stayed back even later than them then handed in, lol.. anyways, gotta do sumthing lah. otherwise JC oso dunno how. go poly har. cause no O levels, if RJ dowan me, i go where leh? definitely dowan to retain lorh.. even if it means poly. haiz.. whatever..

-backout.

wtf.. i give a damn. plenty of people give a damn. don't make excuses for yourself to yourself. you know you shouldn't be doing that. but you have. so wtf, i say. wtf.

-backin.

haiz.. i dunno lah. suddenly think about sch, and education, and how i'm suposed to finish this what, six plus four plus 2 plus random, twelve plus plus year business properly, and well. i can't stand doing things lousily. can't stand it. rather not do it at all. that's why slacking around mah. ugh.. actually i can one.. but dunno why just don't do it. so stupid.

what the heck am i supposed to concentrate on? can't i just do a few things, if not one or two things only? blehh.. i can't do everything.. not to mention at once. if you like, i don't want to do everything. cause i can't do everything well.

cause there are other things.

cause of others.
0 comments
5:29 pm

Monday, July 18, 2005

•

ughhhhhhh... what to do.. so irritating, feel so stupid and useless.. what's the point of being there if in the end i can't even do anything, anything to ease the pain, you don't even know i'm here??? wtf... ughh.. feels so stupid and broken up when you just pop like that.. wish i cld just give a call to comfort, but what wld i say? "are you okae?"?? that's the stupidest thing ever to say.. i've heard it way to many times, i know. it's pretty obvious that you're nt okae, or u wldn't even be acting this way, i wldn't even be feeling this way.. etc etc blah blah blargh..

i can't believe i'd forgotten for so long.. well, the few weeeks seemed like a long time, and now that i realized and came back just in time, i still feel so helpless.. ughh..

it's just that kind of feeling that's like, you want to grab that person, and just hold and hug, just to make sure you don't do anything stupid, you know? cause anything can happen when we're feeling like that.. ughh..

then i remember the stupidest things that i've done, the stupidest, stupidest things that i've allowed other people to do to you, just standing by and doing nothing about it... it cld have hurt you, or it did, but i could have done something and i did nothing.

and now it's happening again, only now it is hurting you, and i don't know what i can do.. i can't say there's nothing i can do, because there simply has to be something.. ughh...

what on earth am i supposed to do??????

WHAT?
0 comments
8:23 pm

•

harlow, it's like four plus in the mornign now.. woke up shuper early, like 3.50.. no idea wat time i slept, but i think it was pretty early.. around nine i think.. lol.. david was watching some top ten deadliest sharks thing so i was down there next to the sofa then started dropping off.. then think abt allll the hw i haven't done. and is due tmr, not to mention the humongous pile that is alread overdue.. aaah what the heck. so i went to bed.\
and then i woke up at arnd 3.50 lorh. lol.

thinking and thinking..haha.. it's like, night is the time for thoughts, riight? for me anyways.. hm, but yesterday i dropped off early, so no idea where this came from. ranodm compilation, i guess, but it's as sincere as any.

been thinking. yesterday ruth's family transferred from shalom to sbbc. hohum. i was like, huuurr?? ruth's parents, even her younger sister i've seen before in shalom, budden nv seeen her there? hmmm.. my own fault bah, guess tt time was too self-absobed, internal conflict blah blah. yah, excuses excuses.. but really. yeesh.

dunno lah, may be my ego toking, but for sum reason tink tt you're here huh. or have been. i mean, internet is a mysterious place, you're a mysterious girl. seems plenty of people have been here and i never knew until they said or something, like pamela and kang etc =) but ho hum, you're.. esoteric? ahah.. from thesaurus, check it out yourself =P but even that? how shld i know? haiz.. i don't know what's going on in a lot of people's heads; the people's heads which i wonder about what's going on inside =X grammer, lol. but you're especially mysterious, eh? hmm.. thinking too much bah.

haha.. it's pitch black outside, maybe that's why i'm typing this sorta crap. oooh, the secretism of typing at night, or rather early morning. lol. as if it's any different from blogging at any other time of the day. oh wells.

hmm.. don't people wonder what other people think of them? i do.. but don't feel so easy about actually finding out, riight? haiz.. dunno lah. i tink i gotta shut up.

but haven't i just learnt that i have to just shut up and talk?

diaoz..

***

okae.. just looked around.. suddenly everyone's hurt, you know? in some wa or another.. everyone needs help. i'm starting to think that it's always so, cause we can always use a little help and a little love even if we think it's alright. but it's really my fault, huuh. haiz.. when troubles strike me, i almost forget all about friends and people around me.. housing isnt' an immediate problem, i guess, cause he's nt tt close to throwing me out yet i guess, and money well, i'll live. good thing i kept my own stash, lol, xi fang qian.. so i 'ave two hundred odd to live on. lol. it'll last me a while, i think. nt tt i can afford to buy much else, tho. until something works out.

okae, but there i am thinking about my own stuf again. haizz.. it's already when things start to look alright for me after all, then i look around and ses people who crave love and help, and i see the solutions to problems.. but why can't i do that to myself..? hyporacy..? ughh.. then i'll say, these people need to pick themselves up. doody doody do.

but that was before. i see how idiotic that was now. ughh.. so i guess that's why we need one another.. huhh? pang guan ze qing.. helping one another is the only way, cause we can't help ourselves; it wouldn't be called needing help if we could, would it now? haizz..

well, so much for wasting time on the computer, it's 4.45 liaoz, gonna go shower. i really hope that something will come of this.. haha.. i used to pride myself for being the on who stood by and saw everything that passed in the worlds i lived in.. but now it's different. is that even something to be proud of? don't think so.. standing by and doing nth? wt-...

and now i'm pretty sure i haven't seen close to half of everything at all. the craziest things that elude me. the things that i should have been paying the most attention to escape my sight. or is it that i flee these things in my mind, so i could not perceive them? haiz.

kae.. i'm going.. i wish i could go out and do stuff.. frmo my point of view, freedom from the education system is really much.. because earning a living can't be that hard, can it? it's all about what you expect, really.. i used to dream of higher things, and i still do.. but this is the world after all, and it won't last long at all. so it's fine. we're able bodied people, and have to thank God for that.. there are so many ways to pay for your meal and lodging, you know? i believe there are still people in this world who believe in the litereal expression of the sharing of souls.. the fellowship of hearts.. there has to be, i have seen the places in people amongst which such things would happen. if they can happen, why wouldn't they? because these are good things.. why shouldn't people desire them, and seening that it is within reach, grab them, with no fear of any backlash?

okae.. toking too much liaoz. i better go before it's too late.. buaiz..
0 comments
4:19 am

Sunday, July 17, 2005

•

back, rawr, haven't eaten lunch.. haha..

***
yes, another insert. this one after the one below..

i don't know howbi forgot, it was probalby a good thing. but now i remembered again, and i'm not sure anymore that remembering is a bad thing. i think i just want to get it off me, in case.. haiz..

i'm convinced now. i think. ugh.. stop playing with me like i'm some sort of toy. maybe it's my own fault lah, i thinking to much, but what the heck. fine. it's my fault.

but i owe you two, you'll get them. =) in jest, those given in a bad mood nt counted. yesyes, inbetween my trips here and there you will get them. haiz.. people are wierd. i'm wierd. i hope somethign works our anyway, but whatever really.. it's not for me to judge, and like i said, you will probably say it's my own fault, blah blah blah.. plenty of people always do.. but i just don't like the way you do that.

you know what i'm talking about. just you, and you only.
***

going out again to get some specs done, hurhur, my spare was like, crack~ good thing it was my spare, my current pair is still perfetly fine.. but with the rediculous things i do with my specs on, haha, better bao xian, sumore exams coming up..

it's really fun to be with the church peeps.. dunno lah.. mixed feelings, but what am i talking about. it's funn, maybe more so than choir, but i feel more relaxed with the guys in music =)

so props are done, i think.. more or less, still got devil's pitchfork and stuff, lol.. haiz i'm so useless, must leave earlier.. otherwise later takesan hour to get back by transferring bus and mrt everywhere.. lol.. budden li jie mei also taking bus horr.. sorry lah!

~~~

hmm.. almost forgot.. taking about friends.. it's like, it's nice to have loads of friends, but sometimes must have one or two or a few friends to just bother, riight? haha.. dunno lah.. sometimes just gotta have one, some people feel. maybe that's why God made such a thing as marriage, and the bonus is that it prevents the human race from becoming extinct! good plan, huh?

yea.. but.. hm. dunno how to say this. friends will always be there for you, when you every really need us, we're there for you, you know? maybe it's our fault sometimes, we just assume you don't need us that bad, you can handle it, besides we got stuff to do elsewhere.. but you could tell us? hmm.. but that's not always easy.. haiz.. it hardly ever easy. gotta admit it. budden, just say the word, really. otherwise i'll be kept guessing.. haha.. but speaking for myself, i'm always available, outside school hours, unless there's a competition. X( sorry, but teachers, even the really nice ones like Mrs. Koh want me to be totally focused in choir, nothing will persuade them to let me go except quiting choir, and i doubt they'll let me too, unless i go all mopy and start making the choir sing out of tune no purpose by singing really loud then slowly going out of tune on purpose =P that's the thing about being in bass, you get to control the whole choir's tuning.

yea.. so really. call me anytime, i love it when people call me. listening is what i do best, quoth some guy/gal, lol can't remember. too many? nah.. just bad memory.. =P

~~~

er, yea.. homework, still haven't done.. at all.. my chinese teacher was like, completely changed after i came back from overseas trip with the choir and we got gold, category winner summore.. then i went for the chinese week karaoke thing.. her attitude towards choir changed completely.. lol..last time she only know how to keep going on about sportsmen, then say wat, i nt sportsman, shld be working harder in chinese.. riight.. we practice as much as, if not more than those dmb guys kae.. how many hours a week that time? 25 plus minus i think.. then some weeks everyday-whole day during june hols sia..

haiz.. does the power of one's gaze and the strength of one's voice no longer matter? intimidation and defeat lies in the heart, and to control your opponent's heart and mind is to control him or her.. haha.. sounds evil, what control.. but really lah. strenght of the soul and spirit will last longer than whatever strength of the body you can build up, not that it's not impt. what u think i go gym for, i nt in sports cca(still pissed at bball coach guy 3 years back, lol..)

kae.. trip report.. lol.. well, let's see. the day i was flying off geof's parents' kindly gave me a lift to the airport, with him oso lah dur. lol, his little bro is very quiet, prob like what i am in church, seems quiet but just needs the right environment for him to let go. hmm.. yea, then got there, only a few people, and we wre like, only 10 min early. called arthur, meeting some friend for dinner, haha.. seems she just landed back into singapore only then he's flying off for 9 days.. aww.. lol.. anyways.. after a while he finally said goodbye to her =) and came over to terminal one, cause we were flying some old dutch airline, KLM. means dutch royale airlines in dutch or something. yea.

airport ah, after check in everyone's parent's and bros and sis(es?) all there sia.. haha.. jorel chan kwok yeong's mom and sis were there, haha.. v sweet family, lol.. his sis looks a little like meiyi, haha.. yea.. yala yala, jealous okae? bare with me.. yea, then four of us messed around lorh, they all want to go up to the place to see the aircraft upstairs, forgot what it's called. then take photo,i was like, =.="", take photo here for what?? save your memory space for over there lah! yea.. then after tt we went back down.. ahha.. geof jorel and me, quite a bunch, lol. sad arthur has left for perth liaoz, left yesterday morning.. =( couldn't send him off cause of stupid open house.. yea..

oh, and i found out jorel is actually the name of superman's father, supposedly? lol.. so superman's father was a small man, all the muscles donated to superman, lol..

yea, then boarded plane. tacky, but nice. haha. watched some dumb mr. bean stuff on the flight, lol. didn't really sleep much, i just can't sleep on planes much.

kae lah.. continue tmr. want to go out soon, just pasted 2 new posters in my room, hurhur.. graphical one, pun isn't pun-ny if you don't see the pic, so hurhur, someday when i'm bored i'll take photo and paste up here =) XP

buaiz......
0 comments
5:23 pm

Saturday, July 16, 2005

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oh.. about the trip i made.. to the Johannes-Brahms International Choralfest in Wernigerode, where we won Goldeness Diplome Lvl 3: G1 Special Gemischtstimmige Kinderchore Category Winner.. haha.. erm, yongfei says blog in bits lah, but now it's kinda late, still got work on cleaning up my room to do.. haha, see, it's really that messy.. haha.. or i work really slowly -.-" riight, i going now.. bbuaiz..
0 comments
10:28 pm

•

A man went to the barber to have his hair cut and his hair trimmed.As the
barber began to work, they have a good conversation.They talked about many
things and various subjects. When they eventually reached on the subject of GOD,
the barber said:" I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do u say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, if you go to the streets you can realize God doesn't exist. Tell
me if God exist, would there be so many sick people, if he exist, would there be
abandoned children? If God exist, would there be pain and suffering? Well, I
cannot imagine a loving God that allows these things to happen", said the
barber.

The customer thought for a moment, he didnt respond because he didn't
wanted to argue with the barber. The barber finished his job and the customer
left the shop. Just when he left the shop, he saw a man that is with long,
stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.He looks Dirty and unkepmt.

The customer turned around and told the barber:" You know what? Barbers
dont exists!"

"I am here, a barber. And i just worked for you!"

The customer exclaimed:"Barbers don't exist because if they did, there
will be no dirty, stringy, hairy people. Like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers do exist! the problem is that they just dont come to
me!" answered the barber

"EXACTLY!" Affirmed the customer. "Thats the point!"

God, too, does exist!

What happens is, people dont go to him and look for him.

That is why there is pain and suffering in the world!

hellow, just got back from dinner and preps for church anniversary performance thingy.. again.. haha.. but it's fun. but one thing i learnt next time better bring some homework to do.. kaoz, so much hw, tmr must still stay back after church? haiz.. dunno how to finish everything.

haiz.. i will never learn, you know? i'll know i'm doing something stupid, probably, but i'll do it anyways, cause there's the small chance that it'll work out, somehow, ya know? ughhh.. so stupid, i am. but it never works out. i'm going to end up a sad, lonely, looney old man who lives in the wilderness. lol..

yea well, open house was crap.. they totaly did nothing at all, just screwed around on the tablet PC ms. chiang lent us for the open house booth.. then i came and rescused everyone with the cd player, except nobdy had the latest CD of our songs.. i only brought the one from two years ago that totally sounds like crap, now after 3 years of training voice and ears.. canot tahan our singing from two years ago.. yee.. at least the sops sounded better then than they do now, lol, cause then gengrui and me still there, and zhao feng and jing zhong voices were better.. now more time, more hormones, so their voices nt tt good for soprano liaoz.. haha.. gengrui and me duneed to say, we dropped liaoz.. those two still up there..

yea.. so they player that thing lorh.. then i one o clock zhao to go sbbc.. haha.. got there 1.45, then like, everywhere closed and locked, so i stone on the steps there with me shuffle and dunno msg danne how many times, she nv reply.. wt lorh.. so sianz.. then later i go down again then sis. alice open da doorr.. haha.. dunno what's happening lah. then later around 2.30 amanda came lorh, then blah blah blah, yeps, everyone came, test run, no props yet. doody do.

liuz, my hair cut liaoz wenhao and prefects still say it's still to long.. kaoz bei, must waste another ten bucks cutting?? no thx.. go detention better, at least can do homework there..

haiz, i come back from overseas, everything that i left behind lan diao, and everything i bring there also almost lan diao.. then no cash liaoz.. needs to buy some stuffz.. haha.. see how.. still jobless, doody do. haiz, i'm too lazy to keep checking classified ads every day, all the ads always for post-o level peoples..

parents are getting indescribable... cannot tahan.. tonite dad suggest i move out, so whoopie do, i am allowed to advert. who got place to lend me crash until i finds a jobs, then cans pays you whatever i get.. haha.. jsut needs sleeping place and place to dumb bag sometimes, cause don't want to carry stuff everywhere all the time.. i don't have a lot of stuff, he claims everything i have belongs to him.. lol.. "all your base is belonging to us".. yea.. but i have plenty of stuff which's origin has nothing to do with these two horrid people who bore me into this world and brought me up so as to torture me mentally and emotionally.. and occasionally physically.. okae lah, just some stuff lah, nt plenty, lol, dowan to scare you all. just a bit lah. lol, getting smaller and smaller. whatever.. the biggest thing would probably be my box of choral scores.. just small A4 box..

okae, why m i toking so much ccrap.. just, if it's not too hard, yea thx.. lol.. think abt it, probably won't find a place easy, cause dowan to bother choir buddie's parents.. don't really know any of their parents much..

yepps.. still praying.. i'm still alive, there's stuff to be done, so i don't plan on dying too soon, it's true, but still.. it's all in God's hands, so it can't go wrong.

ohh, leaving on a jet plane, Chantal Kreviazuk. heard you gals doing it, no idea why, but i used to love this song, cause it's what i'll be singing in my heart so often, once i'm free of school and got income..

0 comments
9:44 pm

Friday, July 15, 2005

•

someone else has discovered the meaning of the Revelations to us, the people of this time...

i pray all of us realize whatever must needs be realized, before it's too late..
0 comments
11:03 pm

•

just came back home, everyone's out to fetch evelyn back from some concert thing..
seriously, i can't help but still get pissed off. like, wt-. you've changed completely. on purpose, no doubt. how long have i been away, eight days? nine? for what reason? ugh.. and so this had to happen. screw usself up just to piss me off.

look at me.. peace man become pissedman.

nevermind.. like i said. dooty is dooty. over, pInG~! no more. gone, poFf. yepps. anyways, after sch went to take some bio practical and theory tests that i missed, still have to take some math and english and literature ones, goodness knows when i'll get to take them.. ugh.. how to get into RJ liddat.. scully later last minute ask me to take O levels, then hoho, how fun. whatever..

prep for tml's open house.. didn't realize it wld be so boring.. basically we slack around, don't even get to sing.. so sad.. fine lorh, i won't bring any scores, we'll just sing spastic stuff that we learnt from wernigerode, haha, like the punani chant and the scheißer song, in honor of the scheißer lunch house =)) oh, and i got a copy of psudo yoik already, haha. so fun, that rediculous song.. "lively, almost maddeningly insane" such a crazy scorewriter =P but we'll try to adjust it, or at least i will, and drag geoffrey to help me. then we can do it in a small group, lol..

then went down to sbbc, lol, always so wierd getting there, every time i go i take a different way, so i'm like, familiar with none of the ways there, so it's like, wierd.. hahaha... gotta get used to one way, then won't have to keep peering out the window all the time seeing if it's the right place liaoz.. lol..

wells, script done, and stuff.. haha.. aherm.. yea, inde end didn't finish it yesterday nite >.< ahs wells.. herms what cans i says.

ohs nos, it's breaking out agains. at least i infected all the choir members, mores or lesses.. includings secs fours..

digressings digressings!

ahhs.. i like these people. hahas. i really do. it's one thing to love people for who they are, and it's another thing to like them because they are what they are. apply both here =) this'll make me keep my home base Singapore, whereever i roam.. cause of the people =) i hopes friends will come with me sometimes, tho.. cause tho travelling, meet friends everywhere in the world, the process itself gets really lonely..

haa.. awkward on my blog. ho hum. interestingly.. awkward. ahhs whatevers... =) just glad that i know the people i do, and wanna know everyone even better.. haha.. okae. interpret it how you like, i don't think you can go too far from what i'm feeling =))

smokey hair from eating at 24hr cheese prata, haha.. so fun.. i know a lot of people who are "fun to be with", by standard of people who won't associate themselves with these people for some illogical reason, lol.. whatevers.. gonna go shower, then gotta clean up my room. one big mess. yesyes, must fix it all up orderly-like tonite, my nice neat organised mess. ohh.. still havent' washed the bean bag, haha. gonna have to do it soon, it's so troublesome, gotta take out the stuffing/filling/whatever-you-call-it and then later put it back in.. is there even a zipper on that thing? lol.. gonna shower first then see anyways, so chow.. buaiz..

Everyone within sight has gotten off the train.. some have my
blessings, some i barely know. some of these i had never seen before, some of
these i love anyway. Where have they gone; perhaps more importantly, whree am i
going? I guess, only time will tell...

0 comments
10:13 pm

Thursday, July 14, 2005

•

bleesh. what is it with girls. they say once bitten, twice shy, i'm like, once bitten, once stupid, then second time bitten. no more.. nopes nopes nopes. yeesh.. just friends, okae? blargh.. dunno what to say. just friends is the best, still. RV has proven that, i guess.. and many random other people =)) so okae, i'm fine. whateverys.

seriously, is it that fun to do stupid things to guys like that? such erm, serious stupid things?! it's serious okae.. whatever people nowadays might think. well, to me at least. maybe i'm just wierd, but hey, i'm me. but well.. if it's anywhere as fun as the littke things we do to girls, lol, i guess, but it's still nt riight.. blehhs. whatevers. anyways it's overs, there wills be no moresss..

anyways, whoopee doos, these few days really buzy to take my mind off it. yeesh, what a jynx. after coming back from beautiful wernigerode.. then all sorts of crap. well okae, this one piece of scheißer. yay for german insults. anyways..

tomorrow got RCS, which i will probably pon.. lol.. cause i have to get the math homework done, really.. i'm failing stuff all over, math being the worst.. ugh.. at least the sciences are getting better, hoho, for the record, for the first time since secondary school a teacher stayed back after the period to discuss something scientific with me. well okae, so it was some physics theory confusion the bio teacher had, but nonetheless.. =D

then after that, going to SBBC to discuss the church anniversary youth performance thingy.. hoho.. hope it doesn't end too tacky.. buts it's interesting idea they have made.. hurhur.. nt in a position to cirticize, cause i didn't do anything yet >.<" but anyways, gonna try to do the script out tonite. no, i gotta.. otherwise drag again, then blahh... then i'll screw up. i always do in front of new people. lol. well, people that i'm nt tt familiar with anyways.

anyways, good thing my chinese teacher gave me extention till next monday for the whole lot of chinese homework i missed, but there's still a math test, an english and a literature pop quiz, and a math assignment, and a whole bunch of science theorisms that i totally missed out and don't understand now.. but chemistry is still way slow tho. lol. i even understand more than some of the people who didn't miss the classes. oh wells, too bads i'm nt interested in chem really.. >.< why is it always, the things i'm good at, i don't appreciate? ughh.. but it's really quite dull, mix this mix that, poff, this thing come out, mix mix mixes..

er, where was i.. riight.. then saturday there's RI open house, going down to help out at the cyberstudios side to show of my web scripting to potential sec ones, hoho, then go choir and sing, so fun =) plus i get to warm up my voice just in time for church choir practice at 4.30. missed the previous time, won't again! haha..but i have to learn to get up earlier on sundays to warm up voice, otherwise oso canot sing in performance.. >.< haiz, every day of the week cannot sleep in..

have i mentioned how irritating it is when people so, aiyahh, RI mah, then something something something.. pls lah, Ri is just another dumb school in the singapore education system.. which is probably a pretty darn good system compared to others, but it's pretty far frmo perfect, lol.. what isn't, in this world. okae, but that's not the point. just dun lyke it when people say, "orh, RI mah, smart lorh" or "aiyahh, RI guys all damn stuck up, don't expect these to be any different" etc etc crap stuff.. whatevers. it's just our school, for blanks sake. you don't see us going around saying, "aiyahh, chinese high mah, fasion sense totally inexistant one those guys" or "aiyahh, RGS mahs, mankillers one those gals" or other random stuff, even about regular schools.. i don't have to give further examples, yes?

haha.. actually had a bunch of stuff to post about each and every day of the trip, wernigerode totally mesmerised me, lol.. budden riight, if i go and post it here, then nobody will come here liaoz.. ="( you people will say, "wah, fried suddenly toking so much crap about every minute detail of what happened, sooo boring.." then never come liaoz.. lolz.. vainity of vainities, but i likes it to haves a few people here.. =) is that so wrong? diaoz....

so dunno how lorh. see how lah.

doodlebum.. feel wierdly detatched. ahs whatevers. maybe i'm in self denial, eh? then the literature class will write something about me, then the philosophy class will write something about human emotions, then Toh Ban Sheng will maime my character on the basis that he feels that i'm too emotional, blah blah blah.. weedledinglekongggg~*

kae. i'm done. shutting up now.

gonna try to put some music here, feels very quiet after coming back here form danne's blog.. haha.. yepps, so goodnitez eberyoneesss..
0 comments
9:07 pm

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

•

hello.. back from school, lol, so sad, just landed back in singapore today and then must go to school.. haha.. actually not must lah, go for some chinese karaoke competition thingy. just so i don't have to take chinese oral today, and i'll be garenteed a pass. so i did it, lugged my luggage from airport to school, thanks for the lift louis, and i've did it, lol. yay for that. no more oral, no more failing. riights.

wells.. before i launch into random thoughts, lemme say again. Wernigerode rawks. no small w there. that's the place peeps, i retire there. if the world lasts that long. and if i don't decide to just settle down there sometime. etc etc etc.

excuse me, but along with my speach, i've started to put and s behind all or most of my words.. blehh.. riights. instinctively. cause we had this joke on the last few days of the trip, about andrew lim and the way he talks. it rawks. hahas. i means, he's ours years heads, wes musts giveses hims thes honors riights?

yea, so all the above sentences and words without an s where there shouldn't be an s, quite a few of them are backspaces. repeatedly. thanks yous.

wells.. i means, aways for so longs, loads of blogs reading to catches up on.. haha.. rights. so there was this somewhere, nots quite sures where

..."i would rather hurt myself than to make you cry."

yes, very good english also. anyways, so it's like, well, if you care about someone that much to worrie about doing something to make that person cry, that person would probably share the feeling, cept on you, duh. so how would hurting yourself solve the problem, it'll still make that person sad, wouldn't it? and if it that person is indifferent to your suffering, i think it's quite possible that you're showering the wrong person with your affection. but that's just a generalization, i'm sure there are many occasions when your suffering or the other person's crying would be justified despite everything.

okae, that sounded wrong.

aiyahs, somes peoples are just so bogged down after staying in one place.. like the crystal merchant in the book i told you guys about, if you remember.. i wish i had the freedom to get up and drag them away for the boring like they think they think that they are stuck in.. haha..

but then again, it may just be foolish childishness on thinking that that is possible on my part.. just like you may think that someone else is shallow, and i know her or him better, and i know that's not true.. and then vice versa, i may think blah blah blah. riights.

ohs wells, goings to sleeps. jets lags. sorries i talks so tireds on msns. goots nights.

ohs, and friedemann really means peace man. wadyaknow, they weren't toking crap to me.
0 comments
10:28 pm

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

•

ah well, before i go out for lunch then my chem test and shopping for drugs (wahaha), here's rant from woonie's blog.. from.. somewhere else. yea.

oh, and you can check out The Dating Delima through that link too, it's an interesting insight on this issue of what is the best way to behave.. haha.. but i think it's different frmo the Prisoner's Delima in a significant way, cause in this situation, we have to consider ethics..

Ode to the Nice Guys

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured
her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that
time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone:"oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he’s too nice to date" or “he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

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11:32 am